He fixed his clothes while I slumped to the floor in a ball.
“I had to teach you a lesson.”
I heard him say as he zipped up his pants. I was too gone to say anything back.
“Next time, don’t say no to me. I don’t like that shit.”
Then I heard my office door open and close with a slam. I just laid there in a ball. It was at least an hour before I moved again. I could still feel his fingers around my neck.
Loving someone and wanting to be committed to them are two different things. You could love someone deeply yet remain unattached.
I had no problem with loving a man. The issues arose when I was committed to them. It would work for months and with one guy it even worked for a year but eventually, I get that itch. Then another man comes along and gives me an offer that I can’t refuse.
Before I know it I am in his bed and my relationship is down the drain.
I knew that I loved David and he loved me. That should have been enough to fuel a successful relationship between us. It would if we were both normal people.
I didn’t consider myself normal. I wasn’t raised normally and I didn’t want normal things.
I needed someone as fucked up as I was to deal with me.
I could never be involved in a successful relationship. There was no way that I could be faithful to him. He deserved someone that could give him the love he needed and be loyal.
Yet he was determined to have me and I was determined not to break his heart. He meant more to me than just sex or just some fling.
The last thing I wanted to do was lose his friendship. Yet it seems that he isn’t giving me much choice…
I awoke to a knock on my front door. I ignored it hoping that whoever that was would just go away. Moments when I get to rest are important to me and this was my day off. I really needed to sleep.
Unfortunately, the person on the other side of my front door didn’t seem to care about my beauty rest. The knocking continued with fervor and I could not ignore it any longer. I finally crawled out of bed and in the process I tripped over some clothes on the floor landing flat on my face.
“Fuck!” I exclaimed trying to pick myself up.
I limped to the door and looked out the peephole. To my surprise I saw David standing there with arms full of grocery bags. That explains the police like beating on my door. I don’t think the man knew his own strength sometimes.
I threw opened the door and he greeted me with a smile.
“Good morning babe,” he exclaimed and pushed past me into my condo.
He looked good in jeans and a jersey. His jersey I bet. His blue eyes were sparkling and he looked to be in a really good mood. That didn’t match my early morning crankiness.
I closed the door and leaned against it folding my arms across my chest.
“What’s going on? Why are you here so early?”
He never looked back at me. He just continued to head toward the kitchen.
“My, somebody is grumpy in the morning.”
He carried the bags to the counter and plopped them down. He looked up at me and smiled.
“If you must know,” he began taking items out of bags.
“I decided to do something nice for you and make you breakfast.”
As amazing as breakfast sounded, especially breakfast that I didn’t have to make for myself, I was starting to feel my unusual anxiety. I get that feeling when people do nice things for me. It makes me feel like I am going to owe them a favor or something in the future.
I don’t always feel that I deserve the kindness from strangers or even those that claim to be my friends. My untrusting nature makes me paranoid of the thoughtful gestures of others.
I didn’t say anything however. I just sat on the stool, leaning my elbows on the counter and watched him.
David was a better cook than I was and I tended to eat out whenever I could. Of course, I was too broke to do that very often so in those instances I stocked up on TV dinners.
David loved to cook and here he was in my kitchen scrambling me eggs and frying up bacon. He even made me pancakes from scratch.
Before long we were sitting at my breakfast counter eating our breakfast and drinking coffee. There was silence while we ate and then eventually I couldn’t take it anymore.
“Shouldn’t you be somewhere practicing or something?” I asked stuffing a fork full of eggs into my mouth.
He smiled and held up one finger while he finished chewing his food. Then he answered me.
“No babe, we’re on a bye.”
I raised one eyebrow and stared at him with a quizzical look on my face.
“You say that as if I know what that means.”
That made him laugh. I like it when he laughed. It was so refreshing and carefree.
I smiled.
“It means we don’t play this coming Sunday. We get a week off.”
“Oh,” I said laughing.
He continued to eat and stare at me.
“So what are you going to do with your week off?” I asked not realizing that I would regret that question.
He put down his fork and wiped his mouth with a napkin.
“Well, I was hoping I would get to spend some quality time with you. What do you want to do?”
I looked at him dazed He wanted to spend quality time with me? All of a sudden I began to feel claustrophobic. I was speechless.
He could tell that he caught me off guard because he reached out and began to gently rub my knee.
“I’m always busy and I never get to enjoy myself. So coach told us to take this week and do something that will get us relaxed. We have a big game coming up next week and we are going to have to focus and practice hard.”
He looked into my eyes.
“Nothing makes me happier and more relaxed than spending time with you.”
He went back to eating and I just stared at him. I took a sip of my coffee and tried hard to think of something to say to this. I wanted him here with me so I didn’t want to hurt his feelings with my words.
I would love to spend some quality time with him. I loved being around him, but I felt like he would take that to mean I wanted what he wanted. Not to say that someday I wouldn’t want that.
I heaved a sigh and stared at him.
“I’m not so sure that would be a good idea.”
He was in the middle of shoveling food into his mouth. He stopped and put his fork down.
He turned and looked at me folding his arms across his chest. His demeanor changed and he wasn’t as peppy anymore.
“Why not?” he asked staring me down.
I could tell he was ready for a fight and it was way too early for me. The last thing I wanted to do was fight with David. That doesn’t make me feel good at all.
“Because I don’t want anything more than what we have and spending all this time with you may make you think that. I don’t want to lead you on or something.”
He didn’t look happy with my statement.
“What do we have Hannah?”
I didn’t think that I had to spell it out but I guess I was wrong.
“We have a friendship and sexual relationship. I just want to make sure you understand it can’t go further than that.”
He ran his fingers through his hair. He always does that when he is frustrated.
“So you’re telling me that you don’t want anything else? That it’s just sex?”
He asked those questions as if he didn’t believe me. He made it seem like it was a surprise. I have been pretty forward with what I wanted. I thought from the beginning I made myself clear.
“Yes and no,” I answered. “I’m not looking for anything else, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. You mean a lot to me David.”
He stood and started emptying plates and cleaning up the mess he made in the kitchen. I just sat there and watched him. After a few minutes I could not take the silence anymore.
“David, I’m not cut out to be in a relationship. I wouldn’t be good for any man.”
He stopped what he was doing and turned to me.
“You can’t be serious.”
“I am very serious.”
He continued to wash dishes. From the sink, he threw comments at me.
“I can’t believe you are serious. You are really selling yourself short if you are.”
I shook my head at him. I understood why he felt that way. Yet, I would just end up hurting him.
“You’re wrong,” I said.
With a flash he had me by the arms with his face only inches from mine. His voice was calm but fueled with such heat and fire it made my heart pound.
“I am not wrong.”
He saw the frightened look on my face and he backed off and took a seat. He ran his fingers through his hair and took a deep breath.
“Hannah, you mean so much to me and I hate to hear you say things like that.”
I sighed.
“David I understand why you feel the way you feel but if you knew…,” I stopped myself.
I just felt like I was repeating myself over and over again.
He squinted at me.
“If I knew what? Tell me baby.”
I shook my head.
“It’s nothing David. I just want you to take my word for it. I am not girlfriend or wife material. I can’t be that for you.”
He shook his head.
“That makes me sad to hear. I know you better than you think I know you,” he responded.
“I know you can be pessimistic and brooding sometimes. I know you hate being around lots of people. I know your favorite dish is tacos. I know you love it when it rains. I know you are most comfortable sitting around the house snuggled in your pajamas.”
He reached his hand out to me and I took it. He pulled me out of my seat and guided me over to sit on his lap. When I was seated he pulled me close and wrapped his arms around me.
“I know deep inside, you want what I want.”
There was some truth to his statement. There were plenty of nights I wished I was different, that I was a better person. I wanted to be perfect like him and Stacey and have a family like they had, but the more I wished for all those things the more it was apparent that I would never have them.
That kind of life was reserved for people like them that were raised by parents like theirs. I never really felt like I belonged here with them. I was just counting the days until it fell apart. I know that it has been ten years but I still felt like it was a matter of time.
“David, sometimes it doesn’t matter what I want. You don’t always get what you want.”
He kissed me on my shoulder blade.
“Hannah it makes me sad to see you so unhappy with life and with yourself. I want to meet the Hannah that’s inside before all the worldly ugliness affected you.”
I folded my arms across my chest.
“That person never existed David.”
He squeezed me tighter with his face pressed against my back.
“I don’t believe that. I know she existed at some point and I want her.”
Listening to him talk only made me more depressed. I wish that person had existed. I wanted my life to be different but I knew that if I was to survive I had to leave in reality. I wasn’t meant to be happy.
“David, not every person was meant to be happy. Some of us were just meant to survive. I’m surviving and in a way, that makes me sort of happy. Maybe more content than happy.”
“I don’t believe that Hannah. Everyone is meant to have some form of happiness in their life. What is the point of living if you are just ‘surviving’? You don’t think you deserve happiness and so you do things to make yourself unhappy.”
“So you’re saying I make myself unhappy? I choose to be unhappy?”
“Yes, babe.”
I climbed off his lap and stood.
“Why would you say that?”
His comment made me angry for some reason.
He stood as well, towering over me. I had to look up into his eyes.
“For starters,” he began. “You tell yourself you’re not girlfriend material and that gives you an excuse to push good men away. Then you spend all your time sleeping around with men that don’t want anything from you other than sex and to treat you badly. Then you claim that all men are bad. You’re doing it to yourself.”