Diary of a Wimpy Vampire (20 page)

It was good to do some proper romantic vampire stuff, but I think I’ll bring a crossword next time.

F
RIDAY
3
RD
J
UNE

12
PM

I can’t begin to express the heartache I feel upon being separated from my true love. This is probably how Sebastian of Lyons felt when his lover was imprisoned in the Bastille for twenty years. Except he didn’t have the option to send texts like I do.

1
AM

I went out for a walk in the graveyard again tonight to take my mind off my heartache, and guess who I saw there?

It was only Dad, lurking behind one of the graves!

Resisting the urge to let him know I’d caught him red-handed, I kept a good distance back and observed him. I couldn’t believe that he’d denied responsibility for the attacks on the local townspeople, and yet here he was hanging around the graveyard at midnight waiting for the next victim to snack on. How dare he put my happiness at risk for the sake of his own greed?

In the far distance I could see a woman enter the graveyard alone. Spotting his chance, Dad swooped. I tried to run after him and let him know he was caught, but I was unable to match his vampire speed, and could only watch from a distance as he sated his foul appetite on the innocent.

Eventually, I caught up with him and was just about to take him to task when I realized that the woman he was attacking wasn’t a passing human at all, but Mum! And the worst thing is that they were kissing! It was so disgusting.

Looking very sheepish and embarrassed, they explained to me that it was the anniversary of the time they first met, and they were celebrating by recreating it.

I told them that I didn’t want to know anything about their sordid activities, but they should at least tell me if they’re going out at night, as my sister has been left at home on her own thanks to their irresponsible behaviour. What if a burglar came in?

To be fair, the burglar would be in more danger than my sister, but I was enjoying the moral high ground too much to concern myself with such minor points.

S
ATURDAY
4
TH
J
UNE

I have written a poem to help me cope while Chloe is in Wolverhampton. I considered sending it to her, but I’m worried she might find it
too
graphic. Plus, it’s slightly too long to fit on a text. When the time comes for my work to be published, Chloe cannot be shielded from the intensity of my feelings, but until then I’ll keep them secret.

I WAIT IN ETERNAL PAIN

With your neck so long and blood so sweet

  Life without you is incomplete

    How I long to stick my fangs in your vein

      Instead I wait in eternal pain.

S
UNDAY
5
TH
J
UNE

Chloe’s dad will be driving her back from Wolverhampton now. I hope he’s a safer driver than my dad, and that my love isn’t stolen away from me by a fatal crash, dooming me to eternal grief. That would be just typical.

In just a few hours’ time, we shall be reunited. Come swiftly, precious hour!

M
ONDAY
6
TH
J
UNE

I went back to school today, and was reunited with my true love. I told her that the last four days had been the longest of my life, although from the sound of it, they would have felt even longer if I’d gone to Wolverhampton.

Wayne is going out with Sally Mulligan now. I think he’s only doing it to get revenge on Chloe and me because he kept snogging her at the bus stop after school and looking over at us. Neither of us particularly cared. We are in a proper, adult relationship now, and have no need to concern ourselves with the trivial lives of our immature classmates.

Plus, I know I’m a better snogger than him because Chloe said so.

T
UESDAY
7
TH
J
UNE

Today was so sunny that Chloe let me give her a hug. Because I’m cold, Chloe is usually reluctant to hug me unless she’s wearing a jumper. But today she said she found my temperature soothing.

I’d better enjoy it while I can, because she’s not going to want my freezing body anywhere near her when winter comes around again.

W
EDNESDAY
8
TH
J
UNE

A weird thing happened at lunchtime today. Chloe was looking at me in the library when a dreamy and distant look came into her eyes. I asked her if she was alright, but she just kept staring at me with strange contentment.

After a couple of minutes I alerted the librarian, who took Chloe to the school nurse. She needed to lie down, but was soon feeling fine again. The nurse interrogated her for a further twenty minutes about whether she’d taken any alcohol or drugs, and then she let her go. She was right as rain again in time for Business Studies.

When I walked Chloe home later, she still seemed fine. I asked her about her experience at lunchtime, and she said that the room went swirly, she could hear a distant piano and smell rose petals, and she felt very safe and relaxed. The more I think about it, the more Chloe seems to have been showing the effects of vampire hypnosis.

But I don’t have the vampire power of mesmerism, so I’ve no idea how that could have happened. How strange.

T
HURSDAY
9
TH
J
UNE

We sneaked into the Music room at lunchtime so I could show Chloe my piano skills. I started with simple pieces like ‘Chopsticks’ and ‘The Camptown Races’, so she would be more impressed by what followed, then launched into Beethoven’s ‘Moonlight Sonata’. Chloe was overjoyed at my skills, but I didn’t want to look directly at her in case I mesmerized her again and the nurse became convinced she was a drug addict.

I broke off and explained to Chloe that during eight and a half decades with no sleep, you get a lot of time to hone your skills. She asked what else I’d developed a talent for, but the only things I could think of were Connect Four and Tetris, so I turned back to the piano and continued playing.

F
RIDAY
10
TH
J
UNE

Craig played an explicit rap song on his phone in Maths today. The rapper was being rude about a rival, and everyone was really impressed with all the swearing, but I didn’t think it was a big deal.

It’s nothing new, anyway. Dad told me that a vampire called Ludovico of Sienna once published an epic poem about how a love rival was ignorant, loathsome and tedious. He was found dead with a wooden stake through his heart two weeks later in what was thought to be a ride-by staking.

Mum and Dad are down in London again from tomorrow, so I’m going to invite Chloe round and play the piano for her. I might even light one of Mum’s ancient candelabras and put on one of Dad’s capes. I used to think all that stuff was really corny, but the more I vamp it up, the more Chloe seems to fancy me, so I’m happy to go along with it all now.

I don’t mind playing up to stereotypes if it gets me some action!

S
ATURDAY
11
TH
J
UNE

Chloe came round at six this evening, and said that she’d promised her parents she’d be back before nine. That didn’t give me much time to establish the melodramatic mood and swoop in for a snog.

I had a quick check to make sure nobody was walking past, and then opened the door to show her my suit and cape. She stifled a laugh when she saw me but I could tell she thought it was really sexy.

I have to say, I don’t quite understand why capes were so popular with vampires. I think it had something to do with shielding your skin from the sun, but I found it highly impractical. It kept swishing out behind me and knocking things off tables. Running around a candle-strewn castle with one of these things on sounds like a blatant fire hazard to me.

When Chloe was inside I sat at the piano and launched into Chopin’s ‘Funeral March’ (no vampire cliche is too cheesy when seduction is on the cards).

Then I sat next to her and was just about to roll out some line about how I’ve searched through the endless fog of time for her when my annoying sister walked in and asked us what we were doing.

I told her that we were having a private conversation, but she failed to take the hint and plonked herself down on an armchair. Chloe politely chatted to her while I threw in a series of unsubtle suggestions about how she probably had something to get on with, all of which went right over her dense little head.

In the end I walked Chloe home, and got just one quick snog, which isn’t much when you consider all the effort I put in.

S
UNDAY
12
TH
J
UNE

Chloe has gone to church this morning, and there was no question of me tagging along. All those crucifixes would give me a splitting headache, and the rest of the day would be a write-off.

So now I’ve been on the PlayStation for seven hours straight. Craig once told me that computer games aren’t as exciting once you get a girlfriend. I didn’t believe him, but now I think it might actually be true.

Perhaps I’m becoming mature.

M
ONDAY
13
TH
J
UNE

Chloe has several nicknames for me now because that’s what happens in serious relationships. She calls me ‘Fangy’, ‘Mr Freeze’ and ‘Nige of the Living Dead’. I thought these lacked gravitas, so I’ve suggested that she call me ‘Nightwalker’ instead. So far my suggestion has not been taken on board.

I had to see the careers advisor today. Over the years I’ve developed a strategy of pretending I want to work in a sector that I know they’ve got a leaflet on like healthcare or retail, so I can make the meeting as short as possible. Unfortunately this particular careers advisor insisted on grilling me about my interests. I played along, even though it doesn’t matter what I want to do in the future, because I’ll be a school pupil until society breaks down so much that schools no longer exist.