Dining With The Doctor: The Unauthorized Whovian Cookbook (3 page)

Luckily for us, it’s pretty easy to make your own miniature (fart free) alien out of a pear. In fact, it’s so easy I hesitate to call this a recipe. I’m not sure how else to label a set of foods with specific preparation instructions, though, so humor me.

This recipe turns into a quick easy, edible table decoration that should be instantly recognizable to anyone who enjoys the Eccleston years.

Pick out six particularly potbellied pears with long, strong stems. Grab one of your larger seed-in grapes (they're about twice the size of seedless ones) and push it onto the stalk to represent the alien's improbably tiny head. It’s looking like a Slitheen already!

Now use your fingernail (or a small paring knife if you’re feeling extra precise) to dig out some eye holes then fill them up with some small, dark blueberries. I found the frozen ones work best. You can really shove them into the grape without worrying about the frozen berries losing shape. Interestingly, my frozen berries are also about half the size of fresh blueberries, which makes them surprisingly useful for adding eyes to food. Fair warning: I tried just drawing eyes and a mouth on using icing. It just slid right off the grape's smooth skin.

Make arms by peeling your cucumber skin into long, wide strips then draping them from the shoulders of your pear down around the bottom of the belly. Get out a paring knife and trim the cucumber strips into oversized green arms. If you’re feeling extra precise, carve one end into big, clawed hands.

I held my arms in place with toothpicks. To hide the toothpicks, snip off the exposed part then use the tine of a fork to push the wood into the flesh of the cucumber. Make sure to warn your guests before they bite in.

These are a nice, cheap, relatively easy recipe. Once you get the hang of it, you can whip up some Slitheens surprisingly fast. When pears are in season, they’re an instantly recognizable dish nearly guaranteed to make your fellow Whovians giggle.

Banana Dalek (S1, E6 - Dalek)

Nutella
banana
Pocky Sticks
mini marshmallows
cotton swabs
cinnamon candy
rock candy
I love everything about this recipe. First, if you’ve never tried bananas dipped straight in Nutella, I apologize for the five pounds you’re about to gain. Second, our friends the Daleks are back! Since The Doctor says you should always bring a banana to a party, this recipe is a great way to celebrate the return of everyone’s favorite somewhat modernized upended trash cans on wheels.

Find the straightest, firmest yellow bananas. These are usually the extra large, long ones. The good thing about going big is you can usually get two Daleks out of every banana.

You’re going to need a steady hand and some self control.. It is way too easy to make a Dalek, eat a banana dipped in Nutella, make another Dalek, then prepare to exterminate the deliciousness of one more Nutella dipped banana before it attacks the human race

Before the sugar shakes set in, cut your first banana in half. If it’s super curvy, go ahead and carve the top into a more Dalek shaped head. I used the tines of an extra wide fork to cut three horizontal lines into the head. With a steady hand, cut some equally shallow vertical lines down the length of the Dalek’s body.

If you’re a little quivery from eating half the pot of Nutella you might need some help for the detail work. I use a cotton swab dipped in Nutella to make a line of characteristic dots down the body of my Daleks. Somehow, mine always end up a little sloppy. I like to blame the sugar. If you want a neater look, you can substitute mini chocolate chips pushed into the banana. If you do that, I advise filling the vertical skirt lines with Nutella. It both enhances the look and gives you an excuse to use more Nutella. Trust me. Where Nutella is concerned, any excuse is a good one.

You have a few options for finishing it off. I like to make the plunger arm out of a Pocky stick and the eggbeater arm out of either a coffee stirrer or a cotton swab.

If you're a dedicated Whovian, you'll make the eyestalk out of a small pretzel stick with a Cheerio on the end. Dip the Cheerio in the Nutella to both get the right color and make it stick. If you're lazy, just shove a cinnamon candy in the middle of the Dalek's face and call it a day.

When I can find extra tiny marshmallows (the type you typically see in hot chocolate packets) I dip one end into the Nutella (in order to glue them onto the banana) and use them as stubby little antennae. To be honest, this is an imperfect science at best. You can also snip the ends off another cotton swab and plug those into the head for the antennae. Make sure to warn people not to eat the cotton swabs. Sure, cotton is technically edible, but the sticks are entirely the wrong kind of crunchy. Mind you, I’d eat rocks dipped in Nutella, so your guests may not care.

Spread a layer of Nutella on a platter. This will mostly help glue your banana Daleks in place (they’re prone to a bit of wobble.). I advise picking up some rock candy. You can strategically arrange it around the platter to help add an otherworldly atmosphere and, far more importantly, help hold your less stable bananas upright.

Once you get the hang of etching lines into the bananas, these whip up faster than you think. Sadly, they won't exterminate your hunger. In fact, much like the Dalek's themselves, once you see these bananas, you'll only want more.

Satellite 5 Mystery Takeout Noodles  (S1, E7 - The Long Game)

1 lb/450 g linguine, spaghetti, or angel hair pasta
1 cup/200 g peanut butter
6 scallions (green onions), thinly sliced
2 tbsp/30 ml peanut or vegetable oil
2 tbsp/30 ml soy sauce
2 tbsp/30 ml sesame oil
1 ½ tsp/8 ml white vinegar
1/4 tsp/2 g ground red pepper
1/2 of a red bell pepper, cut into thin strips
½ cup/100 g green cabbage, sliced thin
3 garlic cloves, minced
1 tsp/5 grams salt

Welcome to Satellite 5! We’re all about the news here. If you have time to eat, you have time to work. What, you want a Cronk Burger? Too much time wasted chewing! Try some Zaffik instead. Rose says it tastes like a beef slushie.

Oh, you like to occasionally chew your food? Well, grab a box of noodles, then. They’re served cold so you can’t tell if they’re fresh or two days old. Just eat it and run !

The great thing about this Blade Runner-esque recipe is you can reuse it for a lot of other Doctor Who themed recipes.

Sure, if Eccleston is your favorite Doctor you can always get some Chinese takeout boxes, sharpie on the number 5, then serve these cold noodles with a side of French Onion soup in a sippy cup. Or, you can still serve some of the noodles out of a homemade Satellite 5 takeout box while using the rest as a base for other recipes, like the River Song.

Luckily for a busy person like you, this recipe is that it’s so simple even Rose’s friend Bruno Langley could make it.

Boil the pasta according to package directions. While it’s merrily boiling away, put your peanut butter and vegetable oil in a large, microwave safe bowl and nuke it until the peanut butter is runny. That takes about 30 seconds, a good stir, and 30 more seconds in my microwave, but your wattage may vary. After 1 minute, stir and check it every 20 seconds. The goal here isn’t boiling hot peanut butter. You just want something runny enough to cheerfully absorb the other flavors.

Once your peanut butter is cooperatively soft, mix in the soy sauce, sesame oil, vinegar, red pepper, salt, and minced garlic cloves. Once everything is pretty smooth, add in your thinly sliced red bell pepper and cabbage.

By now, your pasta is probably done. If not, glare bitterly at the water until it properly infuses the noodles with delicious softness. Once they’re ready, strain the noodles and run cold water over them to stop them cooking. If you're saving some for another recipe, set them aside now. Dump the rest into your peanut butter mix. Give everything a good, hearty stir so the noodles will be thoroughly covered.

Now, you can technically eat them while warm, but that defeats the purpose of a cold noodle recipe. Go put them in the fridge for at least an hour (or up to two days). That gives the flavors some time to mingle and soak into the pasta.

They’re now ready to be piled into Satellite 5 takeout boxes or stealthily used in other recipes. Never, ever miss an opportunity to point out you’re using leftovers from Satellite 5 with some meat picked up in Manhattan Park’s Hooverville and washing it down with a cocktail you picked up at Donna Noble’s first wedding. Anyone who doesn’t get the references doesn’t deserve to be at your party.

Pete Tyler’s Health Tonic (S1, E8 - Father’s Day)

8 cups/2 l brewed green tea
4 tbsp/60 ml honey
1 tsp/5 g salt
Juice of 1 tangerine
Zest of 1 tangerine
1 cucumber, cut into ¼ inch/.63 cm slices

Well, Rose, there’s good news and bad news. The bad news is your father was actually a scam artist. The good news is, in an alternate dimension where he never knocked your mother up, he became an incredibly successful entrepreneur. Don’t take it personally.

In our universe, Pete Tyler sold “Vitex,” a real world health tonic that was pretty much snake oil. In Ricky’s universe next door, though, he was so wildly successful we have to assume he actually came up with some original recipes of his own

Therefore, you can proudly serve your guests this electrolyte enhancing, Vitamin C rich, surprisingly tasty health tonic. It may not extend their lives long enough for the Cybermen to start offering “upgrades,” but it’ll certainly give be refreshing on a long, hot summer day.

Brew 8 cups/2 liters of strong green tea. While that’s brewing, cut a whole cucumber into ¼ inch slices and dump them into a large pitcher. Zest your tangerine (orange part only. Avoid the nasty white interior pith) and toss that into the pitcher. When you’re done zesting, squeeze the juice out of your tangerine like you’re milking the last remnants of individuality from a Cyberman’s soul and add that to the pitcher, too. Add your honey and salt. These are your “electrolyte balancing” items. Seriously, "electrolyte" infused drinks just have ample sugar and salt added. That's it. Everything else is green food coloring and artificial flavors.

In this case, Pete's all natural electrolyte beverage offers you some genuine tastiness as well as the sugars and salts your body craves. It also happens to be tasty. Now stop worrying about pseudo-scientific terms and pour your brewed green tea over the lot.

Give it a good, solid stir. Let the mix sit at room temperature for a minimum of 4 hours, or up to 1 day. (If you left that nasty white pith on your fruit, you’ll regret it. It’ll turn the whole mix undrinkably bitter.) The longer you let this sit, the cloudier it becomes, so if you want a nice, crystal clear beverage, make it the same day you plan to serve it. After 4 or more hours, strain out all the solids. Pete's tonic is now ready to be served to your adoring masses.