Dirt Road (16 page)

Imagine letting him. Murdo did. Was it bullying? It was bullying. The things he said, he would never have said them to somebody else like if it was somebody to fight back. Murdo didnt fight back. The guy didnt think Murdo would fight back and that was that because Murdo didnt. So he got bullied, the guy bullied him.

How could ye allow it?

Ye hear the sizzles and sissssssss; outer audio points not getting picked up, ever more compressed; mp-3, mp-4, -5, -6, -7 and ever on to where -1 is an algorithm, another system altogether, another universe; forget awesome, awesome is human, awesome is stupid. Way way beyond. Ye dont see so ye dont witness. Although ye still know, ye still know; the stillness. He was not asleep,

a while later,

but hardly awake.

If he was he didnt know it. Not awake and not asleep. Not dreaming. So thinking. Only he didnt know it. Thinking but not thinking. Whatever time, who knows time; something in his head anyway, whatever that was, now gone. Things go. How many tunes in the world disappear forever? How come ye lose them? Ye cant just get them down and like have them there so then ye can just whatever, ye can just play them.

Ye got jittery. Things in yer head. Could ye get them out? Ye couldnt, these people bully ye during the day and are into yer head at night. At school too like as a boy, it was happening to ye and it was all ye thought about, every minute of every day, bloody bully, Murdo would have battered him, just picked something up and crashed him over the head with it. Having a wife like that, wee kids. It was just like amazing how a guy like him, how he got away with it. Dave's daughter was great. Murdo hadnt been looking at her, if anybody thought that. When somebody looks at you then you look back. She
looked at Murdo so Murdo looked back. Although it was not that kind of a look. Imagine it was. She didnt talk much but listened to everything and was beautiful. Guys would say that. She was. Just natural too. What age was she! An actual woman, and she was looking at him, and her blouse, how it came onto her boobs and ye couldnt help see the colour, how they were shaped in the material, pulling tight and her nipples, how she didnt speak and just listened, listened to everything, just looking, and her hand to her mouth, rubbing the sides of her mouth, her lips. It was so so natural. Even her blouse like white and silky. She wasnt dressed up although she seemed to be. Just how she looked, she just looked good – sexy, ye would say that, an actual woman, jeesoh, it was just how everything, like when she was sitting there too ye couldnt help seeing how her boobs were like jeesoh ye saw the shadows into the curve just so natural, everything.

*

Next day clouds were there; white clouds on a blue sky. Back home it was grey on grey on grey. Aunt Maureen said rain was expected later. She was in her room and Dad wherever, Murdo didnt look. He went upstairs with the cowboy book he was reading, heading for the lounge. But when he opened the door there was Dad in the armchair nearest the window, the best place in the house for reading. Dad called: Hi!

Hi Dad. Murdo was about to leave again.

I thought ye were downstairs?

I came up.

Good to see ye reading!

Yeah it's eh… Murdo held the book up for Dad to see the cover then hesitated by the doorway.

Are ye sitting down? asked Dad.

Okay. Murdo went to the settee.

I heard yer music. I just mean I heard it, I'm not being critical.

Sorry Dad I was keeping it low.

I'm not saying it was loud. Dad marked the page of his book and closed it. And I dont want to keep getting onto ye. It's just last night there we go again, ye disappeared. The people were going away and you werent there. Aunt Maureen and Uncle John's friends and neighbours; ye should have been there to say goodnight.

…

They were looking for you.

I didnt know. Otherwise I would have come up. I didnay hear anything.

Yeah well nay wonder with the music.

Dad I was keeping it low.

Yeah ye said.

I was.

Even if ye could change the tune son know what I mean?

It's two different CDs.

Is that a fact, ye wouldnay know it with that same beat all the time.

Zydeco Dad, it's a style of music, that's what it's called. That's how ye get it sounding the same.

Dad smiled for a moment. Murdo shrugged and studied the floor. Dad said, I'm only smiling.

Yeah well that's the music it is. That's the drive, it's the accordeon; the accordeon's driving it I mean it's just… Murdo glanced at him. Dad it's good. Once ye know it. It is Dad, it really is.

I believe ye.

There's actually a wee festival coming. All different bands. It'll be fun Dad it's like a week on Saturday in a town called Lafayette. It's not too far I dont think. That's how come I'm listening to it so much it's because I'm learning it. So it's not just listening.

Right, listening and learning.

I know ye dont get it. Other people do.

Good for them. Dad raised his book and opened it.

Dad I'm not being cheeky.

Glad to hear it. Dad turned a page in his book and read for a few moments, then he lowered the book. What festival is this?

Music Dad, it was Sarah; mind the lassie that came to the bus station with her brother?

Ye're talking about Allentown, the people ye met in Allentown?

You met them too.

I did, yeah. Dad nodded.

So what's wrong?

Nothing's wrong. Nothing's wrong Murdo.

Well because ye're not saying anything. Is it because they're black?

Pardon?

…

Pardon?

Is it because they're black?

Because who's black?

Murdo looked at the floor.

What do ye think I'm a racist now? Is that it?

Dad

Eh?

No.

It would be pretty poor if ye did. Dad raised his book again but lowered it immediately. Something's bothering you. I wish ye would say what it is. Eh?

Murdo gazed at him. We dont really go anyplace. This is the seventh day since we left Scotland.

It's Thursday. We've been here since the early hours of Monday morning.

Yeah but we left Scotland last Friday Dad that's a week.

Well I'm just glad to be here son I dont know about you. Relaxing and taking it easy. Away from everything. I thought you would have appreciated that, getting off school – you hate school so much this is you getting away from it. I enjoyed last night Murdo, it was a good wee night, meeting people and talking. And it'll be
a good day on Saturday too. Dad shrugged. What I'm saying is that's fine for me, the way things have been, I'm not that bothered about going anywhere.

Okay Dad but getting out a walk.

Yeah a walk, okay.

So it's okay if I go a walk?

Of course, if that's what ye're wanting to do. I dont object to ye going a walk. Dad nodded. The only thing I will say is tell me where ye're going.

Dad if it's only a walk how will I know? I mean like I'll no be going any place. I wont know until I get there. Unless the shop. Aunt Maureen said there was a local one.

It's miles away. It's miles away Murdo.

Is there not a garage? I thought there was a garage, like I mean they'll have a wee shop for milk and bread and whatever, newspapers and coffee. I could go there.

Dad looked at him.

I'm not saying I want to go there.

I thought ye were.

I wasnay, it's just like somewhere to go.

People pass through gas stations Murdo. All kinds of people from all everywhere. Ye dont know who ye're talking to, there's a lot of crazies about. Guys drive with guns in the glove compartment. Road rage here son they pull a gun on ye. Ye get yer head blown off. You want to hear some of the stories Uncle John tells.

Dad

I'm just saying ye've got to be careful.

So I cant go for a walk?

For God sake Murdo dont make it a big deal.

Well it is a big deal.

No it's not.

It is.

It isnt.

Dad it is.

Jesus Christ!

Well ye always get upset!

No I dont.

Ye do. Then it ends up a row.

Dad was silent for a moment. I just worry. What's there and who's there.

Dad it's only a walk.

Things happen on walks.

What things?

Ye're not that thick. As ye keep reminding me, ye're sixteen years old.

Exactly! I could've got married months ago Dad I could have been a father by now.

Oh aye who's the lucky girl!

Dad I'm only saying. It was Mum made the joke. You were there when she said it, I would make ye both grandparents. It was her said it Dad it was Mum, it wasnay me.

Oh jees Murdo.

Murdo stared at the carpet. Neither spoke until eventually Murdo said, She would have liked it here.

Yeah only for a holiday.

But she would have liked it.

Yeah.

I know she wouldnt have wanted the racism. She would have hated that.

Yeah, well… Dad nodded.

Definitely.

Dad shrugged. Racism's everywhere son.

Yeah but is this not the worst? lynching people and civil rights and stuff; Martin Luther King. Ye even hear about it at school.

Well that's the old times.

Yeah Dad but the cops battering people and killing them? Murdo gazed at Dad. I was wondering that, like how come Aunt Maureen and Uncle John are living here?

Dad smiled.

I mean like here, in Alabama?

That's simple son it's work. Aunt Maureen's from Kentucky and there wasnt any work. So they moved here. People need to work. That's how they leave one place to go to another. Uncle John left Glasgow and came here then he met Aunt Maureen.

Yeah but Alabama?

It's not just Alabama that's racist son ye've got all these other places.

New York!

Yeah New York. Dad sighed. He shifted on the armchair to look directly at Murdo. Murdo held his look. What is it ye're trying to say son? D'ye think it's just here ye get racism?

Dad

Is that what ye think?

No.

It's racist everywhere son. Just like Scotland too. Dont act like ye dont know.

Dad I'm not acting like anything.

This isnay some class at school son this is the real world; this is what ye get in the real world. People are different all over but that's what ye learn when ye grow up. You're talking all the time about how mature ye are and then ye come out with stupid stuff like that. So is it Aunt Maureen and Uncle John then because they live here? Is it them that's racist?

What?

Is that what ye're wanting me to say?

Never. Never. I'm not saying that at all.

The trouble is son you dont know what ye're saying. Dad shook his head and turned from Murdo.

Murdo sat still. Dad had his book opened and was studying the page. Murdo waited. Dad continued to study the page. Murdo got up from the settee, lifting his book. He left the room without looking back, clicked shut the door behind himself. He headed
along and into the bathroom. He washed his face and hands without looking in the mirror then dried and opened the door gently. Nobody there. He stepped out and downstairs.

He had left his book in the bathroom. It didnt matter. He sat down on the mattress. Then the fast clumping down the stairs. Murdo sat there. The door opened and Dad.

He stood by the side of the bed. He said: Murdo, if you have got something to say, say it.

Murdo looked away. Dad stepped around the end of the bed to face him. Stand up, he said.

Murdo didnt.

Stand up!

Murdo stood up and nearly smiled. He looked at the floor. He folded his arms and unfolded them. Dad said, Tell me what it is?

What what is? I dont know what ye mean.

Dad stared at him

Honest Dad I dont know what ye mean. Murdo put his hands in his pockets then took them back out.

Dad said, I only asked ye to say where ye were going. That's all. And it's because I worry, I worry.

Yeah I know Dad but really ye shouldnt because I cant go anywhere anyway so what does it matter it doesnt matter. Really, it doesnt matter.

What are ye talking about?

Murdo folded his arms.

What are ye talking about?

I've got no money. Murdo rubbed round the sides of his mouth. What I'm saying: I dont have any money.

What d'ye mean?

Murdo shrugged.

I give you money.

Yeah but not for myself. Murdo shrugged again. Like only if I need it for something. I dont have any money of my own. Know what I mean Dad I dont have any money.

I give ye money.

Murdo unfolded his arms and turned his head to look away. Dad, what I'm saying, ye never give me any pocket money; like ye never ever give me any pocket money. What about pocket money? Ye never give me any pocket money! Murdo shook his head:

Pocket money Dad ye just never ever… Pocket money, it is fucking pocket money Dad… Murdo was clenching his fists. Ye never…ye just…ye never ever give me any damn bloody pocket money and I dont know what to do I dont know what to do I'm just I'm stuck. I cannay go out even a walk Dad; I cannay go out; I dont have even one dollar, one dollar; I cant even buy a packet of chewing gum Dad nothing, I cant buy any damn thing and I cant do any damn thing… Dad… Dad I cant do anything.

Murdo was shaking now and tried to stop it, pushing down his hands by his sides, clenching and unclenching his fists; taking a deep breath.

Dad turned away.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry Dad. Dad it doesnt matter.

It was Mum dealt with pocket money.

Yeah.

I mean…

Yeah Dad sorry.

Ye need to remind me, if ye just could remind me.

Okay Dad.

I dont want us to fight. Whatever happens son I dont want us to fight. I mean me and you. Dad reached out his hand and clasped Murdo's shoulder. Murdo had his head lowered.

Dad went away soon after. Murdo laid down on the mattress, eventually switching on the music, just quietly, a beautiful number that was so so easy, going along someplace, the damp leaves, branch roots, smelling the woods, the loch water.