"Yeah, like... how we're getting along and stuff."
"Oh." Noah nodded. "Yes, he does ask, all the time. In fact, chances are good he'll call me late tonight after you go home. He wants to know how you are doing. It's not that he doesn't trust what you tell him, but I think he likes to hear me say you're doing well, and you look good and all of that stuff, too." Noah rubbed Phan's back and grinned. "And I wonder sometimes if he's worried about what trouble you and I might be getting into."
Phan made a face and finally looked at him. "He is. Not that he doesn't trust you, I don't mean that. But he knows me really well, and he knows how I can be. He worries that I'll seduce you, I know he does.
That I'll manipulate you."
"You think he worries about that more than you do?" Noah asked frankly. "Don't you think maybe you're more concerned about what you want to do, or what you could do, than he is that I'd let it happen?"
"It's not about you letting it happen -- we all know you wouldn't. It's about me breaking trust. About...
pushing you. Hurting him by..." Phan gestured with his hand, his movements becoming agitated. His eyes blinked too rapidly and his lips twitched in between his words. "It's about me reverting to form and trying to get out of my situation. Hiding from reality. He worries I'll use you to escape."
Noah took Phan's glass from his fingers and set it on the table. Then he slid off the couch and knelt in front of Phan, trying to get him to catch his eye. "Phan, look at e. It's okay. Look at me." He took both of
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Phan's hands in his.
Slowly, with apparent reluctance, Phan's gaze met Noah's. "Sorry," he whispered. "Didn't know I was going to panic like this."
"Don't apologize. This is what it's all about, right? This is why you're here. It's a safe place for you to relax and try not to worry about this stuff. Phan, if you were to do anything of the kind, we'd just deal with it. It wouldn't necessarily be a setback, you know? You're aware of that behavior; you're trying to work through it. No one expects you to be perfect every minute of every day. Everyone slips now and then. I do, Tobias does, we all have things that haunt us some, you know?"
Well that certainly was the truth, wasn't it?
"I am here to catch you if you fall."
Phan's eyes filled, and he blinked quickly until the tears went away. "Okay," he said. "But I'm not falling.
Not right now." He sat up straighter. "Just kind of wobbling a bit, I guess. I should go."
"Go? Not like this, no." Noah moved back up onto the couch and tucked his arm around Phan's shoulders again.
"Ikinda ruined the mood," Phan said with a sigh. "Sorry. I really do like this, Noah. And it means a lot to me that you put up with the twists and turns." He leaned in slowly, and Noah knew that it was only a matter of moments before Phan would be snuggling, and if he was really upset, he'd be clinging.
"Phan." Noah leaned back and got comfortable in case Phan ended up half in his lap. "You haven't ruined a thing. You tell me, do you want to talk or change the subject?"
One shoulder shrugged and Phan moved closer. "I just... well. Maybe I really should bring this up with Dr. Brewer, after all. It seems to be bothering me." He snorted softly. "A little, anyway. We didn't really deal with it all after, did we? I mean, the next weekend was when Bradford--" His voice faltered.
Noah stroked through Phan's hair, thinking about the weekend that Bradford had locked himself in with Phan, refusing to give Phan the pain he craved as penance for his happiness. He remembered how Tobias had hurried over to the club when Bradford summoned him as backup and how emotional it had been for everyone to help Phan open up.
It still felt odd sometimes to be the comforter, to be discussing someone else's issues instead of his own.
Although, come to think of it, this particular issue had everything to do with him. Phan was right; they hadn't ever taken time out to discuss what might have changed between them after that hot scene together at Bradford's New Year's party.
"We didn't deal with it at all," he admitted regretfully. "In fact, we never really spoke about it, did we?
Do you want to?"
Phan nodded. "I don't know what to say, though. I liked it. That sounds so inadequate."
"I liked it, too," Noah agreed. But Noah hadn't decided if he wanted it to happen again, or under what circumstances he'd be comfortable with it happening. "You're lovely, Phantom, it was easy to enjoy the privilege of tasting you like I did. But, you know, it was a scene. It was for Tobias, to please him, and we'd sort of agreed on doing it beforehand I think, you and I."
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Phan sighed and nodded. "Yeah, I know," he said quietly. "I'm not saying I want it again, or I want more, or anything like that. I'm just saying it was intense. It was a good scene -- it was fun, and hot and it was--" He sighed again. "It was him. You know? It was you, and it was him, and it was just so big."
It was him.
Well, of course Noah ought to have prepared himself for Phan to say that. Noah really hadn't considered the extent to which that scene might have affected Phan. For Noah, especially as deep in his space as he was that night, it really was just a scene. But maybe Phan had felt more. Noah chewed his lip thoughtfully before answering.
"It was intense," he agreed, prompting Phan to say more. He just didn't know what to say himself.
"You two were so beautiful together," Phan went on, his voice soft. "It felt amazing, being a part of it.
Being in tune with you, with him. Being able to push his buttons, to serve him." Phan turned his head and looked up at Noah. "I'm sorry." He looked terrified, his eyes wide again.
Noah looked into Phan's eyes and gently shook his head no. He didn't trust himself to speak just yet.
Instead, he kissed Phan's forehead and pulled him closer.
After Tobias had left him that night, the night he went to relieve Bradford and work with Phan, Noah hadn't slept at all. All he'd been able to think about was what would happen when the barrier between Tobias and Phan fell. When the one thing that had come between them, that had broken both of their hearts, when that one thing -- Phan's need for pain -- was gone. At that point, he'd realized, there would be nothing to stand between them and their love for each other.
Except for Noah, himself.
He ran fingers through his hair and held Phan close. It wasn't Phan's fault that he still had feelings for Tobias. It wasn't his fault that he still wanted to serve. But it was very, very hard to hear.
"I'm sorry," Phan whispered again. "This is... I don't mean to hurt you. It was good. It was a scene, a taste. I know that. It was very special, Noah. Thankyou for that."
"It's all right, Phan. I don't have any reason to be insecure. If I thought I did, I wouldn't have agreed to it in the first place. And it was good. And special." He sighed. "I worry too much."
"That's what I'm saying, you should worry. Tobias does. Bradford does." Phan moved even closer, curling up almost in Noah's lap. "I'm not a very nice person, Noah. Just so you know."
Noah frowned. "First of all, you've never been anything but nice to me, so I don't believe you, and second, you're not the same person you were a month ago. And next week you won't be the same person you are today. That's what this whole process is about. I'll take my chances." All the same, since no one had ever mentioned to him that Phan was 'not a nice person,' he filed it away to ask Tobias about later.
Phan didn't say anything for a few minutes, merely clung to Noah silently. "I think I should go," he said after a few moments. "I'm screwing things up and--" He stopped talking as the phone rang.
Noah looked at the phone and then at the clock on the table beside it. He knew who it was. "Stay," he
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told Phan, keeping him close as he reached for the receiver. "Hello, sir."
"Hello, sweetheart," Tobias said. Noah could hear his smile. "Did you have a nice evening?"
Phan's face tilted up, looking thoughtful for a moment before he sighed and buried his head in Noah's chest again.
"Phan's still here, sir," he said quickly. "We were just talking about you."
Phan groaned pitifully.
"I see." There was a short pause. "Are you all right, pet?" Tobias sounded calm, as always, but there was an undeniable tension in his voice.
"You know, we have a lot of leftover pizza if you're hungry." Noah said just as calmly, although he wasn't feeling terribly calm at the moment. He hoped that Tobias would catch on.
"Good answer. I'm on my way. Keep him there for me, pet." There was a pause and Noah could hear Tobias calling for his car on the house phone. "Should I call Bradford? Dr. Brewer?"
"Why don't we see about that when you get here?" Noah hedged. "I know Phan will be glad to see you, too." He petted Phan's hair and ran fingers down his arm.
"I'll be there as soon as I can, sweetheart," Tobias said in his ear. "I'll let myself in."
"Oh, yeah, this is gonna be real fun," Phan mumbled as Noah hung up the phone. He shot Noah an accusing look. "Just wobbly. Not falling."
Noah sighed. "So much the better; we can all talk about it before you get to the point where you do. Are you angry with me? Was I wrong to invite him? You've been asking and talking about him all night."
Phan pulled away a little and then snuggled right back in. "I'm not mad," he said in a very small voice.
"I'm scared."
"Tobias will fix that; it's hard to be afraid when he's around." Noah held Phan, and they remained pretty much silent and still until Noah heard a key in the door. Tobias didn't waste any time when he was worried.
"Hello, boys," Tobias said quietly as he came in. He was still undoing his overcoat as he bent down to kiss Noah's mouth and the top of Phan's head. "Phantom. Are you all right, or do you think I should call the doctor?"
Phan lifted his head and looked at Noah for a moment before curling up again. "I'm wobbly, but I don't need her."
Tobias sat in the easy chair and looked at them, one ankle across his other knee. "Noah? What do you think?"
"I don't think Phan needs her, sir," Noah told him. "He'll want to discuss things with her at some point, but right now I think we're enough. I'm glad you called."
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Noah felt momentarily self-conscious about the way that Phan was clinging to him, but Tobias didn't seem concerned about it, so he forced himself to let it go. "Phan's been telling me that I should worry about him 'reverting.' He says he thinks he's not a very nice person."
"Ah. Back to that." Tobias leaned back in the chair. "Talking about your mother lately, Phan?" he asked gently.
Phan nodded against Noah's chest. "Yes, sir. I shouldn't have come tonight, but I thought I'd passed the worst of it." He let go a little and looked up at Noah with bright eyes. "Sorry."
"Phan. Please stop apologizing," Noah said softly. "And you were talking about Sir and Master Bradford with me, and about New Year's Eve, not about your mother."
"But I talked about Mother in therapy," Phan explained, his tone patient. "And that always makes me wonky for days after. She used to tell me that there was only so much good in the world, and I was the little bit of a price she had to pay to be with my father."
Tobias winced, and Noah could see that Phan was serious, that his own mother had helped to form the demon he was fighting.
"Phan," Tobias said softly. "Do you want to talk about the scene on New Year's?"
Phan shook his head, his hands stroking over Noah's arms, making sure Noah was holding him. "No.
But you're going to make me?"
"I'm going to encourage it," Tobias said. "Noah seems to think it's important, and as it involves all three of us, I agree. Noah?"
"I would also encourage it, but there's no point in making you talk about it, Phan. You won't get anything out of it that way." Noah tugged Phan into his chest to reassure him. "Why not just tell Sir what you told me?"
Phan turned again and sighed softly as he sat up. He hugged Noah, sitting next to him on the couch instead of on top of him, and took a breath that even Noah could see was shaky. "All right," Phan said, his hand still on Noah's arm.
Tobias cleared his throat softly. "You really aren't alone, Phan. If you need it, and if Noah doesn't mind, you can curl up with him."
"I don't mind," Noah said softly, watching Phan and then glancing over at Tobias. Tobias seemed a little agitated himself.
Phan crawled back into his lap. "You really don't mind?" he whispered. "I know it's probably weird, but you're warm and this is really hard and I'm just... is this okay?"
Noah had to remember for a moment that Phan wasn't a child, even though there were times, like this one, when he was given to wonder. "It's good," Noah told him. "You're warm, too. Go on and tell Sir what you told me."
Phan nodded and took another breath, like he was bracing himself. He closed his eyes for a second and began to talk, his eyes fixed on the floor, the words just spilling from him. "I told Noah that I liked the
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scene, that I liked being a part of it, of being connected to him and to you. That I liked serving you, liked moving with him for your pleasure. I liked... liked all of it."
"We knew that," Tobias said slowly. "All three of us liked it, it was a powerful scene. Intense."
Phan nodded and looked up. "That's it exactly. It was intense. I think, though, that we should have debriefed the next day or a couple of days later; it... it's gained weight for me. I mean, it shattered some walls for me, and that's good, but it gave me... I don't know. Noah and I have become friends after it, I can be like this with him. I can trust him. But it gave me a reminder, you know?"