I hate this time of year. It’s cold and dark, and if you venture out of Bury Park everyone is pissed. English people have given up even pretending they’re celebrating the birth of their saviour. Christmas for them is an orgy of eating, drinking and buying plastic tat from China.
I watch the man stagger off the bus and vomit in a shop doorway. Revulsion washes over me.
On the back seat a group of boys are getting rowdy. Fuelled by testosterone and cheap cider, they throw chips at some of the other passengers’ heads. I scowl at the ringleader. His pasty face is liberally scattered with spots. I’d say he’s fond of glue as well as White Lightning.
If even one chip hits me I’ll punch his ugly face. The Prophet Mohammed, praise be upon him, did not
advocate violence, probably wouldn’t approve. But he didn’t live in Luton.
I’m glad to get off in Browning Street, I can walk from here.
A freezing wind has got up and the Christmas lights strung across the street by the council wave and shake as if desperate to be free. I remember reading about some argument over them in the local rag, whether we Muslims would be offended by them. As if we care about a few lights.
I put my head down and walk to the mosque.
This is not my local one where the family go for prayers, where my father’s body was taken when he died and where the imam tells me I have to be strong for my mother.
I have to cross town to get to this one, two buses full of
kuffar
.
Despite that I still come as often as I can. I love it.
My mother doesn’t approve.
‘It has a reputation,’ she says.
She’s right.
Tonight there is a discussion about the imminent elections in Palestine and I’ve spent all week doing research on the internet. I can’t wait to join in, to feel part of it.
When I finally enter the great wooden door and slip off my shoes I feel a sense of calm wash over me. It is a wonderful sensation. At last, I am free.
‘Sexy or what?’
Lilly thrust a bloated foot in Jack’s direction. The flesh was so engorged the ankle bone had disappeared.
Jack didn’t look up from his breakfast.
‘Okaaaay,’ said Lilly, and slid two slices of bread into the toaster.
She waited in silence for them to pop and looked out of the kitchen window. The garden had been a tangle of weeds and overgrown bushes but since Jack had moved in he’d tamed the mess, hacking back dead wood and clearing long-lost flowerbeds. Lilly could see flower heads beginning to peep through, shy of the changing season.
She slicked butter over the golden crusts and sat down to eat.
‘Want some?’ She proffered her plate to Jack.
He shook his head and sipped what he called his ‘breakfast infusion’. Hot water with a squeeze of lemon.
The silence stretched between them, punctuated by the sound of Lilly chewing. She knew he must have heard down the nick that she was representing Raffy and that he’d be bloody furious She waited for him to bring it up.
‘So how long do I get?’ she asked.
Jack pursed his brow.
‘The silent treatment,’ said Lilly. ‘An hour, a day, a week?’
He didn’t answer.
‘Even the worst villains get a tariff,’ she said.
Jack put down his cup. ‘It’s not meant to be a punishment.’
‘No?’
‘I just don’t have anything to say.’
Lilly swallowed and waited. She had known Jack a
long time—years before they started dating—and she had never known him short of words.
‘The thing is, Lilly…’
‘Ha!’ She gulped down the last of her food with a triumphant smile. ‘I knew you couldn’t do it.’
Jack went to the sink and rinsed his cup.
‘It’s not a bloody game, woman.’
‘Then don’t act like a child,’ she said. ‘Whatever’s on your mind, just spit it out.’
‘What’s the point?’
‘Because you’re dying to tell me.’ She pointed a greasy finger at him. ‘You can’t help yourself.’
Jack put his cup to drain and headed for the door.
‘Where are you going?’ she asked.
‘For a run.’
‘Without a word?’
‘Like I said,’ his shoulders slumped, ‘no point.’
The gear crunched as Lilly tried to depress the clutch. With her feet in this state, driving was a very bad idea but asking Jack for a lift to work was not an option.
She’d known he’d be pissed about her taking on Raffy’s case but the silent treatment was unbearable. Why could men never just say whatever they were thinking and move on?
Yes, she had said she would take it easy, but she was a solicitor, for God’s sake. Should she really turn down murder cases?
Jack wouldn’t be happy unless she was tucked up in bed until she gave birth, everything safe and sound.
She loved Jack very much and wanted to make a life
with him, but she was starting to suspect that she couldn’t do what was necessary to keep him happy. He wanted her to give up the work with children. The work she loved. Even Sam, who seemed to lose out so often in terms of her time, had never said that.
She’d agreed while she was pregnant to avoid the stresses and strains of certain work, and to be fair, when Anwar first walked into her office she couldn’t have guessed she’d be plunged into a murder case. But to turn her back on the Khans now just wasn’t an option. At least not for Lilly.
Jack wanted to change her and at this moment she couldn’t bear to think what that might mean for them.
The journey to work was a nightmare of jerking and grinding as her foot slipped off the clutch. She was relieved to arrive outside her office. From her car she waved at Taslima, who was waiting outside, today’s jewelled hijab twinkling in the sun.
No doubt that would be something else Jack would complain about: taking on staff she could ill afford.
When Lilly tried to apply the brake, her foot simply would not bend and she overshot her parking spot by three yards, hitting the kerb and a litter bin.
‘Shit.’ She yanked on the handbrake.
Taslima ran to the car, her face full of concern.
‘Are you OK?’
Lilly pulled herself out, letting the car door take her weight.
‘Can you drive?’
Taslima had never been to court before and excitement clenched her stomach into a knot.
After university she’d intended to go to bar school but then she’d been introduced to Kaden by a friend. He had pursued her with an intensity that enchanted Taslima and within months they were engaged. Her mother had warned her to wait, to finish her education before marriage, but Taslima was sure she knew best. In her mind she could have it all, the handsome husband and glittering career.
Once their vows were exchanged Kaden wanted to start a family. He begged with the same intensity he had used when they first met. Bar school could wait, he reasoned. After all, she could reapply later when they were settled.
Taslima had been swept along with it like a good wife. She should have known better. She should have listened to her mother. She’d be qualified now, earning her own living, instead of being forced to go cap in hand to Mrs Roberts.
But there was no point wasting time on regrets. Today was what mattered, and at least she had a job. She was moving forward. The past was exactly that, and there was no reason anyone need ever know about it. A fresh start.
Lilly led them into the Youth Court at Luton, pointing the way through the crowds of teenagers that shouted to one another across the foyer. Groups of boys, baseball caps pulled down past their eyebrows, jostled each other with their elbows. The atmosphere, though good-natured, felt rowdy; as if it could change.
‘All right, miss?’ a young black boy, the hood of both his jacket and his jumper pulled tight over his cap, stood in Lilly’s way.
‘You working undercover, Jermaine?’ she asked.
He formed his fingers into the shape of a gun and pretended to shoot Lilly.
‘I’d fall down dead, Jermaine,’ Lilly patted her bump, ‘but I don’t think I could get back up again.’
‘Who’s the baby’s father, miss?’
‘Brad Pitt.’
‘Good one,’ he laughed.
‘Never mind me, what are you doing here?’ Lilly asked. ‘Tell me you haven’t been nicked again.’
The boy stepped back in mock horror and spoke directly to Taslima.
‘She’s so suspicious, ain’t she?’
‘Given where we are, it’s a fair question,’ Taslima said.
He shook his head at them both. ‘Women. You always got to be so negative.’
‘Years of experience have worn me down,’ said Lilly, and gestured to Taslima that they should move along.
Taslima was bowled over by Lilly’s easy rapport with the boy. She could never do that.
‘Client?’ she asked.
‘On and off.’
‘Not today?’
Lilly opened a door marked ‘Crown Prosecution Service’ and ushered Taslima inside.
‘He’s not in court for a case today,’ she told Taslima. ‘At least I hope not.’
‘So why on earth is he here?’
‘To hang with his mates,’ Lilly said. ‘A day out.’
Taslima assumed she was joking until the woman at the table in the middle of the room spoke up.
‘They treat this place like a bloody youth club,’ she said.
Not a joke then.
The woman, who Taslima assumed was the prosecutor, sat in a sea of files.
‘Nice to see you, Kerry,’ said Lilly. ‘You’ve lost weight.’
Taslima had to swallow a gasp. Lilly was irreverent but surely that was a jibe too far, considering Kerry was at least fourteen stones, her thighs spreading across the plastic chair, the fat melting over the sides.
‘Another ten pounds,’ said Kerry.
Ah, a diet.
Lilly nodded to her own feet, which were almost square with water retention. ‘I think you’re giving it all to me.’
Kerry laughed but Taslima was no stranger to animosity and could feel it hovering in the background. This woman was clearly no fan of her new boss.
‘So who are you here for?’ Kerry asked.
‘Raffique Khan,’ Lilly answered.
Kerry laughed, but again there was no warmth in it. ‘I should have known you’d be involved in the biggest case of the year,’ she said.
‘I’d hardly call it that,’ said Lilly.
Kerry got out of her chair, the flesh of her bottom making a small sucking sound as it was prised away. She walked to the window and looked outside.
‘Being a prosecutor in Luton is not a great job,’ she said, ‘but even I’m getting excited by an honour killing.’
Taslima too, was excited. On the drive to court Lilly had told her about Yasmeen Khan. At first her family
thought she’d committed suicide, which would have been terrible enough, then the police discovered it was murder. Taslima hadn’t been able to speak for fear of showing how inexperienced she was. A murder. It was like something on the telly. And she could imagine how the poor mother was feeling. Not only had she lost her daughter, but now her son had been accused by the police. Unspeakable.
Lilly joined Kerry at the window. From where Taslima was standing she couldn’t see the view but she knew it would be grey.
‘I’m going for bail,’ said Lilly.
Kerry frowned. ‘On a case like this?’
‘I can’t see any harm in making the application,’ Lilly shrugged.
Kerry tapped the glass with her sausage fingers. ‘Lilly Valentine, you never do anything the easy way, do you?’
‘I’m guessing she’s not your biggest fan,’ said Taslima with a smile.
Lilly felt relieved. On the way to court her new assistant had been so unforthcoming Lilly was beginning to worry that she’d made a mistake in hiring her. Quiet was fine, uptight was not. When she’d told her about Raffy, the younger woman hadn’t even asked any questions. She just bit her lip.
Lilly hoped Taslima’s joke was evidence that she wasn’t going to turn out to be some sensitive soul. In this game you couldn’t afford to be.
‘Kerry and I have history,’ she said.
‘And not at a book club.’
Lilly laughed. ‘There was a case last year that turned into a serious scrap.’
‘Isn’t that all part of the territory?’
‘You’d think so,’ said Lilly.
‘So why did she take it personally?’
Lilly paused, unsure how much she should say. Now they were back on an even keel she didn’t want to shock Taslima again.
‘Let’s just say she doesn’t like my style.’
She led Taslima down to the basement and rapped at the iron door.
‘Ever been in a cell?’
The younger woman shook her head again, biting her lip, and Lilly was reminded that she was young and inexperienced. It was easy to forget, given how cool and unflappable Taslima always seemed. Lilly remembered the first time she’d visited a client in the cells. He was a heroin addict with one of his front teeth missing. Lilly had not been cool and hadn’t been able to take her eyes off his track marks. His name was Jason and he died a year later, the needle still in his arm.
The sound of clanking locks accompanied the opening of the gaol and Lilly saw a shiver pass through Taslima’s body.
‘Don’t worry,’ Lilly put a hand on Taslima’s shoulder, ‘it’s nothing like on the telly.’
Jack kicked off his sweaty running clothes and trainers. They hit the bedroom wall, leaving a mark on the fresh cream paint.
Lilly wouldn’t be happy. After the fire she’d spent time
choosing paint colours and curtain patterns and she protected her handiwork like a tigress. Jack had offered to help, but she’d refused, preferring instead to hole up with Penny over interior design magazines and glasses of wine. He should have realised then that, even after he’d moved all his stuff in, she’d never see him as more than a lodger.
Jack snapped on the shower and stood under the cold stream of water.
That was the trouble with Lilly: the woman had no patience. She wanted to live her life at a pace better suited to a teenager. If something absorbed her she went at it full pelt. He used to find it endearing but it was beginning to seem irresponsible.
From the other side of the room he heard his mobile ring and, cursing, he grabbed a towel.
‘Hello.’ Water dripped down his face and pooled under his chin.
‘Sergeant McNally?’
‘Speaking.’
‘It’s Mara Blake here.’ The voice at the other end softened. ‘I hope you don’t mind me calling you.’