dissonance. (a Böhme novel) (29 page)

“Okay,” I said as I lowered her onto me. “Do your thing, Brecken.”

She kissed me with a forcefulness I wasn’t expecting. She put her hand to the back of my head and deepened her kiss as she pushed my back to the ground. As she moved her body and accepted me fully she broke the kiss and her eyes closed in pleasure. “Oh my fucking god, it never felt this good,” she said as she continued to take exactly what she needed from me.

I was a more than willing participant for her to do with as she pleased.

I was definitely falling in love with her. No question about it.

_______________

We picked Mason up an hour later and headed out of town.  Brecken directed me through the side streets to get to her grandpa’s house.

I was so wrapped up in her I was on autopilot. She told me to turn left, I turned. I didn’t pay attention to the details of the ride until we turned onto a road that I recognized as the same one Mason took me down the night before. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw a confused look on Mason’s face, and then he looked at Brecken.

“So we’re going to your grandpa’s house?” he asked Brecken.

“Yep, my Grandpa Liam,” she said as she rubbed my thigh.

I looked back at Mason in the mirror, “Hey Mason isn’t this—“ I started to say then I saw the look of panic on his face as he shook his head and mouthed,
shut the fuck up
to me.

“Isn’t this what Blake?” Brecken asked with a laugh.

“What?” I asked.

She laughed again. “You just started to say, Mason isn’t this, then you stopped.”

“Oh, I have no idea what I was saying,” I said. “I didn’t get much sleep last night, so I’m kind of out if it,” I said, looking in the mirror again at Mason who now mouthed
thank you
to me.

I put my Jeep in park and Brecken smiled at me. “Let me go in a minute and make sure he’s in a presentable mood before you guys come in,” she said as she started to climb from the Jeep. 

“Wait there, Brecken. I’ll get the door for you,” I said as she rolled her eyes at me.

I walked around the front of the Jeep, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. I opened the door for Brecken and gave her a kiss before she ran in the house.

I took the passenger seat and turned to look at Mason.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“Fuck. What. The. Fuck,” Mason said as he ran his hand rapidly over his head. “How the fuck?” he asked.

“How the fuck what man?” I asked.

“Um, so this is her grandpa’s? Her name is McNett. How is this her grandpa’s?” he asked.

“It’s her mom’s dad. Donnelly is her mom’s maiden name,” I said. “Why?”

“Do you know—did she have a kid?” he asked as he lowered his head and everything clicked.

Mason searching for himself. Mason’s eighteen.

“Shit—is Brecken your mom?” I asked with shock?

“Well, birth mother yeah—it looks like it is a good fucking possibility,” he said as he waved his hand at the house.

“No, can’t be. She said she had a girl,” I said. “I didn’t even know you were adopted.”

“I never said I was and I guess that isn’t something you ask people, now is it? And are you saying they gave my adoptive parents the wrong paperwork? Because I’ve seen it. It says contact information for baby boy born on April 9, 1996—Adriana Donnelly. I thought this Adriana was my mom so I came here looking for her.”

I ran my hand across my knee. “Shit, Brecken did say she never looked at her. She said it was too hard to look at her and then send her on her way,” I said.

“Okay, that is touching that she didn’t want to see me, but I’m obviously not a
her
,” Mason said with annoyance and panic.

I looked back at him with a raised eyebrow. “That’s to be determined,” I said with a laugh, trying to wrap my head around the crazy fucking predicament we were in.

“You have to tell her,” I said.

“I can’t tell her,” he said with desperation. “I don’t want to ruin things with her. I mean, we’re in a band together now. I can’t fucking tell her this. I’ve learned enough about her over this last month to know it will freak her the fuck out. I’m freaked out,” he said, looking out the window and tapping on the lock.

“How are you going to act normal with her though—knowing this?” I asked. “Dude, how am I going to act normal?”

I thought of the truth that we made sure to give each other. I couldn’t lie to her about this. I couldn’t keep this from her. I just found out the difference between making love and fucking. I didn’t want to lose that.
I’m a sap I know
.

“Please, Blake. Just give me tonight. I will tell her tomorrow. Please don’t say anything to her,” he said as he looked to the house. “Fuck, she’s waving us in. I can’t go in, her grandpa will recognize me. You just go,” he said. “Tell her I want to wait in the car because I feel awkward or some shit. It’s not a lie. It’s the truth. I feel awkward as hell right now.”

“Okay. I’ll give you tonight,” I said with reluctance as I stepped from the Jeep.
This is a mistake. I need to tell her
. But who was I to take that from Mason?

My feet felt like lead as I walked toward Brecken. She was so happy. I was so happy. Now I had this thing hanging between us and I was afraid I wasn’t going to be normal knowing it.

I took the steps up the porch and when I reached the top Brecken took my hand. “Is Mason not coming?” she asked.

I looked back at my Jeep, “No, he said he feels awkward and wants to just wait in the car.”

She shrugged her shoulders. “Okay, that’s fine. This’ll be fast.”

She brought me into the living room where her grandpa was sitting in a dark green chair, playing solitaire on a TV tray.

“Papa Liam, this is Blake Lawson,” she said drawing me toward her grandpa.

“Lawson?” he asked and then looked between Brecken and me, before continuing his game. “Do you know where Brecken got her name son?” he asked me.

“No, sir,” I said as I looked at Brecken and she rolled her eyes.

“Her daddy gave it to her. He said he knew it was her name even in the womb, and he knew she’d be a girl. You see Brecken means freckled, which comes from the Gaelic word bricini. Do you know the folklore? The one about why so many of the Irish have freckles?” I shook my head again before he continued.

“Well it was said that during the tower of Babel that when the Gaels went to get their language, the gods also gave them the freckles. They were supposed to be star constellations and that through those constellations you’d be able to understand everything the universe has to say. Well, her dad said when he had her, everything in his life finally aligned. It’s a beautiful name isn’t it?” he asked without lifting his eyes from his solitaire game. He’d kept his eyes on it the entire time.

“Yes, sir it is,” I said as I lowered my head. I couldn’t look at Brecken as I heard her grandpa speak so lovingly about her and her father. I couldn’t do it, knowing what I knew waited for her just outside.

“Her middle name is Drake—that one means dragon and we know for sure that is a good one for her. Now, why am I telling you all of this? Do you know how your name would sound with your initials Brecken Drake if you married into the name Lawson?  Brecken D. Law-son,” he said, pronouncing the D as it sounds and not as the long sound of its name. A big smile formed on the older man’s face and I felt one forming on my own. He had been so serious I felt like I was going to shit myself.

Yes, he was an old guy, but just seeing him sitting in the chair, he was alpha male enough that I felt myself squirm. Seeing his smile set me at ease.

I laughed and looked at Brecken as she rolled her eyes.

“Grandpa, Blake doesn’t want to hear your jokes right now. I just wanted you to meet him,” she said with a smile.

“Well I met him, now what am I supposed to do with him?” he asked.

“Nothing, I suppose. We have a party to get to anyway. But, where did you put that old guitar of yours? Conall wanted me to grab it while I was here,” she said with smiling eyes as she looked at me and twisted on her heel.

Damn it, why did I have to know this? Why can’t I look at her and not have the thought in my head on repeat
, you’re Mason’s mom
?

“Yeah, it’s over in the dining room on one of the chairs. Oh you got another letter from your kid you gave up too. It was hand delivered personally yesterday,” he said and Brecken stopped in the middle of the hallway. She stood as still as stone as her shoulders dropped briefly. Then she rolled them back and stood tall once more.

“Okay, thank you Grandpa,” she said as she grabbed the guitar and left the letter on the table.

She walked out the door and yelled her good-bye to her grandpa.

“It was nice to meet you, sir,” I said with a nod as I walked toward the door.

“You too, son. Don’t mind me though. Brecken is happy with you. Just make sure you don’t fuck it up,” he said.

“Yes sir,” I said as I walked to the door.

Damn it, I wish I could say I didn’t feel like I was fucking up right now.

I really wasn’t looking forward to this party.

__________

Each of us was quiet on the way to Hannah’s mother’s house. We listened to music and there wasn’t any sing a-longs like there was yesterday. Not even the Dropkick Murphys could break everyone out of this.

The one good point was that Brecken held my hand on the drive there.

When I parked, Mason jumped from the Jeep, “I’ll see you guys up there. I’m going to go talk to Pike,” he said quickly.

“Okay, Mason,” Brecken said. “Hey, are you doing okay?” she asked him with concern.

I saw the pain of her question run across Mason’s face. How was he going to answer that question?

“Yeah. I’m fine,” he lied.

When he shut the door, the silence in the Jeep filled both of us.

“I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet,” she said and took a deep breath. “I’m better now. I just needed to digest that. I mean knowing she was there in the house, was kind of unnerving.”

Your child is a
he
and
he
was just in the car with you and I knew it. I knew it and didn’t tell you.

I closed my eyes and breathed deep.
I can’t tell her… I can’t tell her…he has to tell her.

“It just shows that you need to respond to…
her
,” I said.

“Why are you acting so weird, Blake?” she asked.
Fuck
.

“What do you mean?” I asked, running my hand along the steering wheel.

“You’ve been all quiet and not your normal happy self since my grandpa’s,” she said as she turned toward me in the seat. “Did he say something to you?”

“No, he didn’t say anything. I’m fine really. I think it’s because I’m so tired,” I said.
There’s a lie. All based on me being tired. But it’s not a lie. I am tired. I’m tired of keeping this from her and it’s only been thirty minutes.

She sighed. “Okay, well let’s celebrate with the Hawthornes. That should help wake us up.”

I laughed. “Sure, because Wynn is always the life of the party,” I said.

I did need to find Wynn though. I needed to talk to someone about the shit I got myself into.

We walked up the front steps of the Anderson’s home and we met Claire, Hannah’s mom, inside the door. “Oh good you made it Blake,” she said as she pulled me in for a hug. “Wynn’s looking for you.”

“Okay, thanks. Claire, this is Brecken,” I said as the two women shook hands before we walked through the house to the backyard.

I was surprised to see the part of the yard before their pasture filled with people. Wynn didn’t usually do well with large parties.

I scanned the crowd for Wynn. He stepped from the side of the house and saw me and smiled.

“Hi Brecken,” Wynn said with a nod to her and she gave a smile in return. “Hey man, can I talk to you?” Wynn asked as he walked up to me. He was carrying a tray of food to a picnic table.

“Yeah, you doing okay?” I asked, looking at the large group of people gathered around the campfire.

He let out a soft chuckle, “Yeah, I’m good. I know everyone, so it doesn’t mess with me to be around so many people. But come on, walk with me for a minute,” he said as he began to walk toward the place where he and Hannah married almost a year ago. 

“I’ll be right back,” I said to Brecken and gave her a quick kiss. I couldn’t look at her and it felt horrible.

“Okay, I’m going to mingle,” she said.

When Wynn and I were far enough away from everyone he gave me a nervous smile before speaking.

“I just needed to bring something up with you. I’ve never been able to thank you. Before now, I mean,” he pushed his hair back and squeezed the roots in the same way he has since he was a kid.

Wynn’s opening up to me? Shit, my day just got weirder.

Wynn looked at me with a smile before continuing. “I mean, you’ve always been there for me. I know you have an idea of what happened to me as a kid. You never asked me about it though and I have to thank you. But I need to put everything out there to not leave room for any questions.” He took a deep breath before he continued, “Yes my mom abused me; I’m not sharing the dirty details, but I have a feeling everything you imagined or thought was going on would be accurate. I don’t think you were wrong in not saying anything to anyone or me about it. Because by you just being there as my friend, it gave me some normalcy. I wasn’t a victim in your eyes. I don’t think I would have become who I am without you, man.”