Dissonance (15 page)

“You’ve lost me.” Cam began to read through the ingredients of the protein flakes. “Why bother to be a vegetarian, then?”

Galen’s laughter echoed through the aisle. Cam shot him an irritated look. He’d meant the question, after all. “Sorry. I’m not laughing at you, Cam. More laughing at myself, I guess. I can see how silly it must look.”

Cam relaxed a bit. “I really did mean the question in all seriousness.”

“I know.” Galen pulled two boxes of breakfast cereal off a high shelf and added them to the cart. “And you deserve an answer. I personally became a vegetarian when I decided to practice yoga.”

“Healthier?” Cam prompted.

“That, yes. But also because it’s a practice, just like yoga.” Galen leaned against the cart, his eyes bright with excitement. Cam understood how important this was to Galen. He could hear it in his voice.

“I love hamburgers,” Galen said with a crooked grin. “The really bad ones. Big Macs. Whoppers. Oh, and the fries….” He sighed wistfully. “I still crave them from time to time when I drive by a fast-food place.”

“Then why give them up if you love them?”

“That’s just it. It’s all about discipline. I drive by the restaurants and my mouth waters. But I’ve decided not to eat that stuff anymore. And it’s a challenge not to give in. A little like a yoga pose. Mind over matter.”

Cam considered this. He supposed he understood what Galen meant about discipline. He understood willpower, even if he had next to none when it came to some things.
Things that get you into trouble.
But discipline for the sake of discipline?

“Yeah,” Galen said, bringing Cam back to himself, “I know it sounds strange. But yoga and meditation are all about mind over matter, denial and practice to grow the soul, expand the mind.”

Cam fought not to roll his eyes. Or imagine Galen surfing a wave. Or riding bareback on the beach wearing nothing but—

“Cam? You okay?”

“Fine.” Cam pretended to pay careful attention to a box of something called Count Chocula so Galen wouldn’t see his red face. Why did he even care what Galen thought? He’d never been embarrassed to think about another man that way.

“Good stuff,” Galen said.

“Huh?”

“The cereal.” Galen added, “I used to beg my mother for it when I was little. Not that she let me have it….”

“Then you should buy it,” Cam said, happy to have stumbled onto something he could wrap his exhausted brain around. He set it in the cart without waiting for Galen’s approval.

Galen pursed his lips, then laughed outright. “Okay. I will. But you’ll have to promise to revive me from my sugar coma afterward.”

“I can do that,” Cam said as they joined the queue at the checkout.

C
AM
LEANED
against the hot tub seat and watched the moonlight dance over Galen’s chest. He liked how Galen’s hair was fine and so light in color that his skin appeared smooth, almost glowing. He reached out and stroked a finger down from the slight indentation at the base of Galen’s throat to the place between Galen’s pink nipples. Galen smiled at him and moaned softly.

Cam traced concentric circles around one nipple until he held it between his thumb and forefinger. He pinched, gently at first, then with a bit more pressure, eliciting a gasp from Galen.

“Cam,” Galen hissed, his pleasure obvious. “Feels so good.”

The scene faded. Now Cam sat on the edge of the pond, toes dipped in the cool water. The sun warmed his shoulders as he splashed and sent droplets up into the air, where they shimmered momentarily, then fell back and made circles on the surface. He whistled a song he’d learned at school the week before. He liked music class. The teacher had said he had a nice voice. He liked her. Nobody had ever told him that before, and it felt good.

Maybe he’d tell his mother. She’d been so angry with him. If he told her the teacher liked him, maybe his mother would like him again. He’d practiced his piano so she wouldn’t be angry, but it hadn’t made her happy. Maybe only his father made her happy. And now that he was gone, maybe she wouldn’t ever be happy again.

He didn’t realize the sun had disappeared until he shivered from the cold. When had it turned black outside?

“Galen?” he called, thinking he’d heard something.

No one answered, although the wind sighed through the nearby trees. He supposed he should go back to the house and practice some more. He got to his feet and walked to the boathouse.

He hadn’t expected the darkness to wait for him there.

“No, please,” he said, his heart beating fast, like the wings of a bird struggling against a strong breeze. “I promised my mother I’d practice. I need to go back inside.”

“I missed you,” the darkness told him as he wrapped his arms tight around Cam’s waist. “I always miss you when I’m gone.”

“My mother wants me to practice,” he told the darkness. But the darkness didn’t understand him.

“Stay with me,” the darkness said. “It’s been too long. I’m lonely.”

Why did the darkness touch him like that? It didn’t feel right.

“I need to go.”

“Stay with me,” the darkness repeated. “You know you want to.”

“No, please. Let me go. Let me
—
”

“—go!” Cam shouted, waking himself up. Max, who’d been sleeping at the foot of the bed, barked loudly enough to make Cam’s heart pound.

Bollocks.

“Cam?” Galen poked a sleepy head into his room a minute later. “Everything all right?”

“Everything’s fine.” Cam struggled to catch his breath.
It was just a dream. It wasn’t real.

“Another nightmare?” Galen asked with a sympathetic frown.

“No. I just forgot where I was when I woke.” This dream was even worse than the one the night before, but he’d hardly have told Galen that. He’d now woken Galen up two nights in a row, and Galen’s motherly attitude irritated him. When Galen looked unconvinced, Cam added, “I’m fine, Galen. Go back to sleep.”

Galen hesitated.

Cam offered what he hoped was a reassuring smile, even though he really wanted to scream.

“Okay. But if you need me, just let me know.”

Need him? Did Galen think he was some sort of child who needed someone to look after him?
Pathetic.
Was he that much of a mess that Galen would think such a thing? “Right.”

This seemed to placate Galen, because he nodded and disappeared a moment later. Cam realized Galen hadn’t offered to take the dog with him, as he’d done the night before. Having the dog might actually make him feel better. Safer.

What the hell?
He pushed the thought away as he’d done the other times the dream had stirred. Of course he was safe.

S
IX
IN
the morning on Tuesday. Cam awoke to the sound of the front door closing and rolled over. Galen had said he’d be at school most of the day. Cam hadn’t slept much the night before—maybe a few hours. He considered getting out of bed but decided on more sleep. He had nowhere to go and no one to see.

The sound of barking pulled him right out of a dream. A good dream, this time. Aiden, calling him back and telling him he’d made a mistake, that it was Cam he wanted.

Bloody dog!
Cam pulled the extra pillow over his head and imagined the dream, hoping to recapture it. But when he woke two hours later to slightly numb feet, he couldn’t remember anything. The numb part? Max, sleeping on top of him. Cam nudged the dog off, but Max, undeterred, just moved up on the bed until he lay pressed against Cam’s arm.

Cam tossed the pillow off his head. “You’re a stubborn fur ball, aren’t you?”

Max lifted his head and nudged Cam’s arm. Cam shook his head, then rolled onto his side and scratched Max’s head. The soft whap-whap-whap of Max’s tail against the covers broke the silence.

The bedside clock read 1:25 p.m.
Time to get up
. Far past that time, but what did it matter?

Cam went through the motions of his normal day. He showered and lingered a bit longer than usual under the warm spray, then dressed in more of Galen’s just slightly too big clothes. When he made his way to the kitchen at nearly three o’clock, he found a note from Galen on the counter.

Cam-

I left you something to eat in the fridge. Just pop it in the microwave for a minute. Help yourself to tea. I’ll be home around 4:30.

-Galen

Cam opened the fridge and found a small stack of pancakes on a plate covered with plastic wrap. He heated the water for tea as he set the plate in the microwave. He leafed through a copy of the
New York Times
as his tea steeped. Nothing about him or Sherrington Holdings. He wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or more worried than before.

He finished his very late breakfast at three thirty, cleaned up his mess—the least he could do to thank Galen for his generosity—then took a seat on the couch. How long had it been since he’d checked his mobile? He pulled the phone from his pocket and fingered the display. He took a deep breath, then powered the phone on. He had nearly a dozen messages and barely enough battery left to listen to them.

“Cameron, it’s your mother. This behavior of yours is truly unacceptable. You’re acting like a child. It pains me to say it, but I blame myself for this. If I hadn’t—”

Cam clenched his jaw and deleted the message. Not that he could blame her for thinking the worst of him. Still, it hurt that she thought him even
capable
of something like laundering money for drug dealers. Not that the next message was much better.

“Cam,”
Riley said in her breathy voice,
“I’m really sorry about what happened. I mean, I know what you must think of me, but I only wanted to help you. I know whatever you’ve done, there’s probably a good reason for it. Call me. I promise I won’t—”

Cam stabbed the Delete key. Fuck them all. He didn’t even bother with the rest; he powered the phone down and threw it onto the coffee table, where it skittered off and landed on the carpet. He made no move to retrieve it.

“You okay?” Galen’s voice brought Cam back to himself with a start.

“Fine.”

“Sorry, man, but you don’t sound fine.” Galen chuckled and sat down next to him.

“Bugger off.”

“Meant only with the greatest amount of affection, I’m sure.” Galen leaned back against the pillows and met Cam’s gaze.

“Of course.”

“Checking phone messages?” Galen asked.

“Brilliant deduction, Watson.”

“Want to talk about it?” Galen wore a patient I’m-here-for-you look that aggravated Cam even more.

“No.” Why the fuck did Galen always ask if he wanted to talk about things? He was bloody well sick of talking.

“Okay. That’s cool. Anything I can do?”

Cam shrugged. “No idea.”

“Okay. That’s cool too.”

“Thanks for breakfast,” Cam said, realizing he’d been sounding like an ungrateful toff. Which he was, of course, but that didn’t mean he had to alienate the one human being on the planet who seemed to tolerate him.

“You’re welcome.”

The next few minutes passed in silence. Galen appeared completely unconcerned as he pulled a leg underneath himself and stretched his arms over his head. Cam wished he was as comfortable with silences as Galen.

“Galen?”

“Hmm?”

“Maybe there is something you can do.”

Galen raised an eyebrow. “What’s that?”

“Put on the jazz station you listen to sometimes?”

“Sure.” Galen got up and turned on the stereo.

Cam closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. The scent that filled his nostrils was familiar and woodsy. Galen’s soap. The same soap Cam had showered with a few hours before. He liked the slightly spicy aroma. Simple, unlike the expensive cologne he himself wore.