Dissonance (32 page)

Bill hooked a finger through one of Cam’s belt loops and his thumb brushed the skin of Cam’s ass beneath the material. The suit he’d worn to David and Alex’s party, the one Galen had told him looked really good. Why had he bothered to tell him that?
Because you’re a player and he knew you wanted to hear it. He knew it’d make you feel good.

Galen hadn’t led him on. He’d been up-front from the start, and Cam had been fine with that.

“F
UCK
, C
AM
,”
Bill said as he pushed Cam against the door and ground against him. Cam felt Bill’s cock through the fabric of his jeans, hard and waiting. “I’m so glad you called me.” He slipped a hand around to grab Cam’s arse, and Cam’s cock responded.

Bill pressed his lips against Cam’s and sought his tongue. Not a kiss—there was nothing tender about it. He didn’t care. That made things easier. Fucking was good. He could bloody well live without the other bullshit. He’d focus on the company. He’d already decided he would run it. He’d do a damn good job with it too, not because he gave a rat’s arse what his mother or anyone else thought, but because
he
wanted to do it and do it well.

Bill pulled off his jacket and threw it onto the floor, then began to unbutton the shirt Cam had rebuttoned before they’d left the club. Cam drew Bill’s jumper over his head. Bill had a nice body. Toned, muscled—a bit broader in the chest than Galen, but well looked after.

A minute later Bill had unfastened Cam’s belt and unzipped the front of his trousers. He reached into Cam’s boxer briefs and cupped his arse with his big hands, squeezing and working the muscles until it hurt.

“I want to fuck that pretty little arse,” Cam said by Bill’s ear. “Feel my cock in that tight hole.” As always, his mind followed in quick succession. He imagined seeing Bill bending over, hearing Bill’s pleasure as he fucked him over and over. Wanting Bill to tell him how good it felt. Wanting someone to make him feel wanted. Wanting….

Wanting what? What did he want? He remembered Galen’s words the first time they’d made love.
“How do you like it?”

“I like it any way you like it,”
he’d answered.

“That wasn’t my question, Cam. I want to know how
you
like it. Whether you like it when I suck on you or whether you like it when I take it in my teeth.”

Galen had wanted to know because he cared about him. He’d wanted to know…
because he loves me.
This time, Cam ignored the devil on his shoulder who said otherwise.

If you believe he loves you….
He needed to stop sulking. Stop feeling sorry for himself. Stop being a pathetic little boy and be a fucking
man
for a change. Stop telling himself that things just
happened
to him. Stop being a victim. Ask for what he fucking
wanted
for a change.

“Stop.”

Bill looked at him as though he were mad.

“I can’t do this.” How had he let himself be taken in so fucking easily? Galen had
lied
. He’d lied, but Cam didn’t understand why. Something about what happened. About his life working because he was past something? Past loving? Past the pain? The fear?

“I don’t understand,” Bill said as Cam refastened his belt and buttoned his shirt.

“I’m sorry, Bill. I like you. You’ve got a great body. But I don’t want this. Not now.”
Not ever again. I want more.
He wouldn’t tell himself he was worthy of more. Not yet. Maybe someday. But he knew what he wanted, and that was good enough for now.

Bill blinked, clearly not understanding. Cam took his hand and squeezed. Why did everything he did—every gesture of kindness—remind him of Galen? Maybe because Galen had been an excellent teacher.

C
AM
GLANCED
at his watch as he unlocked the front door: 3:00 a.m. Why did it seem that revelations and epiphanies always happened in the middle of the night? And why the hell had he left Galen alone when the thing he wanted—he
needed
—the most right now was Galen?

History repeats itself, and you have no one to blame but yourself.

He climbed the stairs and found Galen asleep in the four-poster, thankful that he was the only idiot who thought cruising was a good way to deal with conflict in a relationship. The thing that had taken him by surprise about all of this was that he’d realized he wasn’t the only one who was afraid.

Cam struggled to put the pieces together as he took off his clothes. In spite of his yoga, in spite of his outwardly calm appearance, Galen was afraid. Terrified. The way he’d spoken about the mental hospital had made clear his desperation and fear of his time there.

He’s afraid he’ll have to go back. That he’ll become the person he was then.

Was that why Galen had taken him on? Because Cam didn’t doubt Galen had seen him as someone needing his help. Paying it forward. He wondered if there had been others like him or if Galen usually just helped his students. Did he think this was about hero worship? Because he bloody well wasn’t the type.

No. For once this really isn’t about you.

He’d been selfish not to see the truth behind Galen’s words.

He slipped under the covers, naked, and wrapped his arms around Galen.

“Cam?”

“Expecting someone else?” he said before kissing Galen’s back.

“Have a good time?” Galen turned to face him.

“No. I missed you.” He leaned in and caught Galen’s lips for a brief kiss.

“Listen… Cam…. I—”

“Shhh. We’ll talk about it later. Right now, I want to make love to you.” He kissed Galen again, this time pressing his tongue into Galen’s sweet mouth and tasting him. Galen responded with a moan. “I know what you said, and I get it. So why don’t we forget about what happens after tonight? Because no matter what, I want this.”

No matter how long you need, I’ll give it to you.

He pulled Galen’s shirt over his head and pushed back the covers to better see his body. He studied Galen’s chest for a moment, then ghosted his fingers over Galen’s skin and watched as the gooseflesh rose and Galen’s dusky pink nipples peaked of their own accord. He rubbed each with his thumb, brushing until Galen arched his back to meet his touch, then grasping them between thumb and forefinger and rolling them to Galen’s stuttered breaths.

“Cam….”

Hearing Galen speak his name made Cam ache to have Galen inside of him. That it had been years since he’d last bottomed made the whole experience with Bill—of realizing that he didn’t want to be with anyone but Galen—take on extra meaning. But he’d take his time. He’d show Galen that he meant what he’d said before. Show him he loved him. Help him to move past his fear the same way Galen had taught him.

Cam leaned over and flicked his tongue over Galen’s left nipple, his skin pressed against Galen’s, creating warmth. He reveled in the slightly salty taste, reveled in the soft down of the pale hair that covered his body, nearly invisible except to the touch. Felt Galen’s heart accelerate and loved that he was the cause of it. He pulled on the nipple, sucking it as he gently bit the sensitive flesh, then releasing it and latching onto it again.

“Oh fuck!” Galen cried.

“That’s better,” Cam said as he reached down and pushed off Galen’s sweatpants so that he, too, was naked. “I was worried you might still be sleeping.”

Galen laughed and pushed Cam onto his back. “No way in hell I could sleep through
that
.”

“Good.” Cam drew Galen’s face to his own and kissed him. Galen responded by running his tongue over Cam’s teeth, pressing inward and sweeping around Cam’s tongue, then tangling with it. He sucked Galen’s lower lip and nibbled at it.

“You feel so good like this,” Cam said as he reveled in the feel of Galen’s warm skin against his own. He pulled the covers over his head and kissed Galen’s chest, glancing up from time to time to see the pleasure on Galen’s face.

He kissed his way down to take Galen’s cock in his mouth and licked around the crown, feeling it harden, feeling Galen’s pulse race as he ghosted his fingers over Galen’s chest while he sucked. Galen canted his hips to meet Cam’s mouth and moaned. When Cam released Galen’s erection, he saw the disappointment on Galen’s face. Not that Galen would ever complain, but Cam knew he’d wanted more.

“I don’t want you to come yet,” Cam said as he pushed the covers off and rose up on his haunches. “I want you to come inside of me.”

Galen’s eyes widened. “You…?”

“I want you inside of me.”

G
ALEN
WASN
’
T
sure he’d heard correctly. “You want me to top?” he asked.

“Yes.” Cam smiled back at him, serene, confident. “But it’s been a while, so you’ll need to be gentle with me.”

As if he’d be anything
but
gentle. Galen knew this was about more than the physical. Cam hadn’t told him much about Duncan’s abuse, but he’d made it clear his uncle had repeatedly raped him, even if Cam still didn’t call it that. Someday Galen hoped Cam would take that piece of himself back from the bastard. Galen guessed that at some point in his life, Cam had decided to take control by always being on top. He hadn’t minded; he enjoyed both aspects of sex, and he’d been happy to take Cam’s lead.

Galen wondered if when Cam and whomever he’d gone home with earlier in the evening had had sex that had changed something in Cam’s mind. He brushed away his jealousy. He had no right to expect Cam’s fidelity when they’d both agreed they’d go their separate ways. He knew Cam needed reassurance. Who was he to deny Cam that?

“Are you sure about this?” Galen asked as he brushed Cam’s cheek with his thumb.

“I’m sure.” Cam retrieved the bottle of lube from the nightstand and slicked his hands. But instead of touching Galen’s cock, Cam began to work himself open. Perhaps Cam wasn’t ready to let someone else touch him that way. Perhaps someday he would be. It was still the sexiest thing he could imagine, watching Cam lick his lower lip with his pink tongue, hearing his stuttered breaths and soft moans.

“Do you know how incredible you look when you do that?” Galen asked.

Cam was pleased to hear that, judging from the slightly deeper flush of his already flushed cheeks.

“May I touch you?” Galen asked.

Cam nodded, then groaned when Galen took his half-erect cock in his hand and slipped his other hand down to cup Cam’s balls. Cam continued to stretch himself, pausing only to catch his breath when he teetered too close to losing control, judging by the change in his breathing.

Galen poured lube into his hand, then rubbed his hands together to warm it. Cam gasped when Galen began to work his cock in earnest, pulling and squeezing as he rolled his sac. Cam was without doubt the most beautiful man he’d ever been with. Galen loved his pale skin and pink lips. He loved the way Cam’s face expressed his joy, even his fear. He wondered if Cam knew how much of his emotion shone through his eyes. Probably not, given how Cam had fiercely defended his vulnerability when they’d first met.

“Galen.”

Galen loved the way Cam said his name, not only because of the charming accent but also for the way Cam’s breath permeated the sound of it, like the sound of a bow pulled across a violin string. From a distance, you might never hear the buzz of the horsehair across the string, but up close, Galen treasured that earthbound sound. It reminded him of his own breath combining with the warm vibrations of his trumpet, and that the only people who could hear that surprisingly personal,
human
sound were the orchestra members who sat nearby or the people who walked by him in the subway tunnel, if they were paying attention.

By now Cam’s hisses and groans had become music of their own. With each sound, Galen imagined Cam grew closer to freeing himself from his past and from the chains that bound his heart and prevented the kind, loving man from fleeing his protective cell.