Divine Vices (33 page)

He
didn’t say anything, but he didn’t need to. The smallest give in his eyes said
it all.

“That’s
what I thought.” I turned from him, but his hands took hold of my waist,
sending an anomalous surge of warmth through me.

When
he whirled me back around and pulled me in close, I immediately grabbed hold of
his jaw.

“Don’t
you even think about it,” I sneered, pushing his face away.

I
ripped his hands off me and left him where he was as I scoured the floor for
the paper Ian had printed out, seeing Jack’s face lose all color.

“Don’t
do it, Cassie,” he pleaded.

I
read the first line.

“You
do this, and Jack will die."

“He
already did. You just haven’t let him go,” I replied before continuing.

“What
about your family?”

I
looked up, but didn’t wane from the passage.

“You
do this, and you’ll never know what happened that night,” he declared. “January
17th?”

I
stopped.

“Don’t
you want to know what
really
happened to your mother and sister? We both
know damn well that it wasn’t an accident.”

“You
don’t know shit.”

“How
do you think I knew about what happened to you?” he said. “I didn’t need to
learn anything about that night, because I was there.”

“That’s
a lie!”

“Who
do you think called the police on you?”

“...What?”

“We
got a tip that you guys were in danger, so my colleague went to your house and
I tracked you down, only he got there too late. I knew someone else was already
closing in on you, and I needed to ensure you’d be safe. So I called the
police. It was the only way I knew I could get you out of harm’s way without
ruining my cover. You weren’t supposed to meet me yet. I couldn’t risk it.”

Red
and blue strobe lights flashed through the distant windows by the office, and a
glitch from a siren pelted out a singular chirp. It was a cop car.

“Police!”
called out an officer as he pounded on the front doors after failing to open
them up.

“Cass,”
whispered Jack.

I
had no choice. I grabbed his knife off the ground and scratched through one of
the drawn lines, allowing Jack to step out.

“Hurry,”
he said, running over to the janitor’s bucket in the corner.

He
pulled out the mop and started dampening the floor, trying to wash away the
drawing. I grabbed a towel slung over the front of the container and vigorously
scrubbed into it as well until everything was gone.

“Police!”

“Help
me with him,” I said, grabbing Ian’s legs.

Jack
picked him up under his arms and we carried Ian into the gym.

“Wait,”
I said. “He wasn’t here when this happened.”

“No
one’s gonna remember anything anyway,” said Jack.

“You
don’t know that, and I don’t want to take that chance.”

“Fine,”
he said, dragging Ian across the gym to the opposite side and into the other
hallway. “Satisfied?”

The
front door burst open, and Jack and I went into the entryway of the gym,
immediately dropping to the floor.

“Hello?”
called out the officer. “Anybody here?”

His
footsteps echoed in the vast space of the gymnasium as he entered.

“10-74,
I need backup at the high school!” he demanded.

His
radio chirped. “State your emergency,” replied a woman on the other end.

“I
don’t know! Just bring backup! And ambulances!” He raced across the gym,
eventually coming up next to me. His autumn stricken fingers pressed coldly
against the side of my neck, and he breathed a small sigh of relief. “Cassie?”

I
wasn’t sure how long to remain
incapacitated
for, so after he called out
my name a second time, I finally opened my eyes wearily.

“Cassie,
what happened?” asked the officer. It was one of the cops from my security
detail.

“I-
I don’t know,” I said, slowing sitting up with the help of the officer. What
was I going to say? How could I explain this?! “I was feeling a little faint,
then...”

A
student some ten feet away groaned. Then another. Everyone gradually started
coming to.

“I
need to get you kids out of here,” said the officer, helping us to our feet.
“There could be a gas leak or something.”

Purple
spots burned over my vision as a paramedic continually shined a light into my
eyes, but I could still see well enough though to notice Ian staggering out of
the building a couple minutes later alongside Jack. The entire parking lot was
swarming with cops, ambulances, and some other officials that I wasn’t exactly
sure who they were.

“I
don’t remember,” Gwen told the officer questioning her. “We were all working in
the gym one minute, and the next... who knows?”

“So
you don’t remember anything strange beforehand? A weird smell, perhaps? Did you
hear anything?” asked the cop.

Gwen
looked at me. “Last thing I remember was getting a phone call from Cassie. She
said something about Ian. She sounded scared.”

“Are
you Cassie?” he asked.

I
nodded.

“Who’s
Ian?”

“Our
friend.”

“Do
you remember this conversation?”

I
nodded again, thinking the gas leak theory was the safest bet to go on. “The
two of us were in the hallway not too far from the gym, and he started getting
lightheaded. I panicked and called her as I raced back to the gym to get help.”

“Why
didn’t you call 911?” he inquired firmly.

“I
already tried, but it wouldn’t go through,” I replied. “I don’t remember
anything after reaching the gym.”

He
asked a few more questions before moving on, and the moment he left, I pardoned
myself from the paramedic who actually hadn’t finished checking me out yet. I
pushed my way through the roaring crowds of teenagers, hysterical parents, and
all the badges to find Ian in the back of another ambulance with Jack nowhere
in sight.

“Could
I have a moment?” I asked the paramedic. “It’ll only be a sec.”

I
helped Ian out of the back of the vehicle as another student stepped up for
examination.

“Are
you okay?”

“Been
better,” said Ian, rubbing the back of his head tenderly. “What about you?”

“I’m
fine.”

“What
about Jack? Is he... you know?”

“Still...
Jack? Yeah, he’s the same.”

His
eyes widened. “What?! You didn’t get rid of him?”

“It’s
hard to explain,” I whispered, “but he’s not here to hurt us.”

“Like
hell he’s not,” Ian sneered, trying a little too late to lower his tone.

“He
knows what happened to my sister and mom that night,” I said. “It wasn’t an
accident.”

“You
know how he knows that? Cause he’s probably the one responsible.”

“No,
he’s not. He’s here to protect me. It’s a long story. I don’t even have all the
details myself, but as far as things go here, I told the police that I was with
you in the hallway when you passed out. I tried to find you help, but I passed
out in the gym as well. They think it’s a gas leak,” I said, seeing Ian take
his phone out of his pocket as it started ringing. “Is it your mom?”

“No,
it’s your dad,” he said, hitting the answer key. “Hello?... Yeah, she’s fine.
She’s right here.”

He
handed me the cell.

“Dad?!”
I called out over the static that still muffled his voice. “Can you hear me?”

“Yeah,”
he shouted. “I’ve been seeing a bunch of cop cars and ambulances roaring
through town, and someone said something happened at the school! I’ve been
trying to call your cell, but you haven’t been answering. I didn’t know if it
was because of the networks being down or something else, so I’ve only been
imagining the worst!”

“It’s
okay, dad. It was just a gas leak,” I assured. “Everyone’s fine.”

“Oh,
thank God,” he sighed. “I’ve been trying to get to you, but the traffic’s
backed up all down Main Street and I can’t get my way to the back roads.
Everybody’s going crazy out here.”

“Don’t
worry about me. I’ll get a ride,” I said, looking up at Ian who nodded in
agreement. “Just try to get home.”

“I’m
probably gonna be trapped out here for a while.”

“Well,
drive safe.”

“You
too.”

Between
all the medical examinations and police questionings, it was well after eight
o’clock by the time Ian and I pulled up to the front of my place. My dad must
have still been caught in traffic, because the Buick wasn’t in the driveway and
the inside of the house was pitch-black. I had spent the whole trip wanting to
speak my peace, but every time I opened my mouth, the inner defeatist in me
kept the words from coming out.

I
unlatched the passenger door, kicking it open. “Are we going to talk about what
happened earlier?”

“About
how one of Satan’s own almost killed us while having possession of a junior
athlete? I’m really not sure what else there is to say,” said Ian.

“I
mean... about what happened in the art room.”

He
looked down at the bottom of the steering wheel, showing no sign of replying.
After what had been the most awkward moment of my life, I finally stepped out
of the truck and headed up to the house.

“Wait!”

On
the first step of the front porch, I turned to Ian, our eyes meeting evenly as
he got out and came up to me. His approach was nervous, every part of him from
his uneasy footsteps to his fidgeting hands only making the lump in the back of
my throat expand. Thankfully, for both our sakes, he kept his distance by a
couple yards.

“Okay,
I need to say this now, because I may never have another chance...” he spat
out, clearly already losing his nerve. “I would never do anything to ever hurt
you, or deceive you-”

I
opened my mouth, and that proved to be enough motivation for him to regain his
self-will in getting his words out before I had the opportunity to interject.

“-despite
what you may have seen back there.”

I
couldn’t wait though, for my eyes burned and my throat only tightened all the
more. “Ian, I’m never going to find a way to repay you for everything you’ve
done for me-”

“And
I don’t want you to... Cassie, I don’t want you to view me as a debt you need
to atone. I don’t want you to write me off.”

“But
what happened back there changes things. It changes everything. That wasn’t an
accident.”

“It
was, Cassie. Please, believe me. It was.”

“You
don’t just accidentally kiss someone.”

“In
all fairness, you kissed me first.”

“Because
you weren’t
you
!” I pinched my jaw closed, trying to regain any sense of
composure I had. “I’m sorry, Ian, but there’s no way that you can honestly
justify these actions. I still feel... violated, by everything.”

He
turned his back to me, his fingers clawing tensely through his hair as he too
tried to calm down. “You don’t get how this works!”

“Then,
for Christ’s sake, explain it to me!”

He
took a deep breath before turning around again. “You know what this getup is,
right? The clothes, the magic tricks, the whole enchilada? It’s a front. People
know me as a freak by my own freewill. So when I have a slipup and they witness
me doing something unexplainable, they can just shrug it off as another one of
my weird illusions I invented. But the mind is far more hard to manage than
that. Why do you think I’ve never been close to anyone before, Cassie? Because
there are things about- whatever this is that’s wrong with me- that I can’t
control. I know how to do magic, but some of it is actually just an illusion my
mind can conjure up, because I want to it appear. Relationships, they’re far
more complicated for me to handle, and you just saw for yourself why.

“You
know how for years all you wanted was for your mother to look at you the same way
she did Nikki, how you fought through it all with the best of intensions to
please her? In your heart, you wanted to her to see that you were every bit as
capable as she was. In your mother’s eyes though, the only person gifted enough
to live up to that standard was your sister. Now if you were like me, simply
wishing to be that person means all your mother would have ever seen when
looking at you would be Nikki, because that’s what you were trying to project.

“By
me merely wanting to be the person to comfort someone else, to be their
shoulder to cry on, that causes the other person to see me as whomever in their
life means the most to them. My mind wants it, and that’s what appears. If I
don’t concentrate to ensure that that doesn’t happen, when only my purest of
intensions are in it, it puts me at risk for being exposed for the freak I
really I am! I’ve made so certain to put a safe wedge between me and everyone
else in my life, to not allow myself to get too close to anyone, until you.

"I
can’t even say that about my own mother. You know how many times she’s seen my
dad when she’s looked at me? When she was going through chemo, it happened all
the time, because he was the one person she needed more than anyone, to ensure
that she wouldn’t be abandoning her son if she didn’t pull through. The women
swears to this day that she must be going out of her mind, because it still
happens every now and again. It’s only further proof that everyone else has
been susceptible to this manifestation.

“From
the first time you and I met, you knew in an instant that I was stigmatized,
but you didn’t care. You embraced me for exactly who I was, in spite of
whatever condemnation you may have faced for being associated with me. No
judgment. And I knew the risk being with you. You were still so emotionally
fragile after the loss you had suffered, and letting my guard down around you
was a sure-fire way of being found out. But I already cared too much about you,
and I was terrified because I didn’t know who you’d see me as when you needed
to reach out. But when the veil dropped, you only saw me. And you always have.

“You
were the only one who had always seen me for me. Despite how much you needed
your sister, or your mother, or even your dad, I was always the person you
wanted to see no matter what turmoil you may have been going through, until
tonight. For the first time in my life, I had taken you for granted, and
happily so. I didn’t need my defenses. I had spent the last seven months never
needing to worry when I was around you. I know deep down you already knew how I
felt about you. And whether if it was because you didn’t realize it yourself,
or if it was because you were just too scared to admit to it, I’ve still always
known how much I’ve meant to you. And you are the only person I’ve ever loved.
I love you, Cassie. You are my best friend, and I would never hurt you.”

My
whole body shuddered and tears continued to relentlessly pour down my cheeks as
I struggled to catch my breath. “I see you now, and I can’t believe I could
ever be more vulnerable than I am right now.”

“Because
I’m not trying to be anything. I’m standing before you, flesh and blood and
nothing more, pouring my heart out to you without an ounce of agenda or hope,
because you deserve to know the truth.”

All
of Ian had gone calm, only his glassy, pale green eyes and trembling jaw
emitting the devastation from within. “I thought you knew it was me. It was
more than a safe assumption.”

“Why
did I suddenly see you again?”

“I
don’t know.”

“After
what you said to me last night, and what Jack did for me in consequence, can
you honestly blame me for finding comfort in him?”

“I
don’t know.”

I
climbed off the step and walked right up to him. “No... No, you don’t have the
right to do that to me! You said it yourself, you knew how I felt.” I shoved
him back. “Persecuting me for developing a connection with someone else after
you failed to step forward is cowardly.”

“What
do you want me to tell you, Cassie? I fucked up! We’re human. We’re bound to
make mistakes. We don’t always do or say the things we need to. That doesn’t
mean you throw it all away on a mere gamble! Right from the start, you knew
Jack was trouble. Yet, he didn’t just seduce you. You actually grew to care
about him.”

“While
being irrefutably manipulated,” I countered. “He knew every last button to
press with me, and he wasn’t afraid to make a play for what he wanted. To say
that I was at more than a slight disadvantage would be putting it mildly.”

“I
heard enough of your conversation back there to know better than that. And I
see it now, just how badly his manipulations hurt you.”

“Yeah,
you know what, you caught me. Yes, he hurt me. And I was stupid enough to get
too close to him. But my greatest
hurt
stems from the fact that he
wasn’t the only one who deceived me.”

“I
didn’t tell you, because I didn’t want to scare you.”

“And
this was the better alternative? I can’t make head or tails out of anything!
How can I expect to trust anybody anymore?!”

He
suddenly yanked me forward and kissed me hard. “You tell me, is there anything
about this that feels cruel? Manipulative?... No, that’s devotion. That’s love.
If you can’t tell the difference between him and me, then I’m sorry, but
there’s nothing left for me to offer you.”

“Where
do we go from here?”

“That’s
entirely your decision.”

“We
can’t go back to the way things were.”

“No,
we can’t.”

“Which
leaves us with only two options, and quite frankly I’m not sure which scares me
more.”

Headlights
beamed across the front yard as my dad pulled into the driveway, and Ian retracted
from me.

“You
know where to find me, if you change your mind,” he said, heading back to his
truck.

"Ian...
I don't know what you want me to say..."

"You
don't need to say anything." He opened the driver’s side door. “Take it
from someone who’s just recently learned the lesson for himself the hard way,
love takes a leap of faith. Don’t back down from the conflicts placed between
you and it.” He climbed inside and started the engine, the truck’s tires
squealing as he turned around and roared back down the street.

Dragging
my heels over to the porch, I collapsed on the bottom step and didn’t move
until the front door opened a few minutes later.

“Hey,
I don’t want you out here by yourself,” said my dad.

“Yeah,”
I simply mumbled.

But
I still didn’t move.

“That’s
means get in here, now.”

I
finally stood up.

“Thank
you.”

I
kept my head down as I stepped through the broken storm door and into the
foyer.

“Should
I ask what that was about?”

“I
believe that was the end of a friendship,” I murmured, immediately heading up
to my room.