Dizzy (14 page)

I’m about to knock again, when the door pulls open. Ziah’s standing there with her hair loose around her head in a tank top and flannel pajama bottoms.

“Dylan, hey. What’s up?”

Holding the bag out to her, I say, “I got you something. Can I come in?”

She pulls the door open for me and closes it when I step inside. It looks like her hands shake a little when she opens the bag. “A white T-shirt?”

I shrug. “Yeah, I figured I owed you one since I ruined yours the night of the party.”

Her eyes crinkle when she looks at me. “Wow. Thanks.”

“It’s a real good one. The fabric is nice and thick.” Nice and thick? What is wrong with me?

Needing something to do, I walk in and lean against the couch. She comes over and stands in front of me. “What’s going on, Dylan? Why are you here?”

One look at her, and all I can think is I want this girl. I want her so bad it scares the crap out of me. I’m not used to wanting something like this—giving someone that kind of power over me. That’s the scariest part of this.

Before I can wuss out, I start to talk. “I wouldn’t be good at the whole boyfriend thing, Ziah. My dad’s yard got sprayed with vomit I was so upset about the wedding. Can you imagine how much I’d screw up if it was about me?”

Even to me, it sounds like a lame excuse.

She shakes her head at me. “No offense, Dylan, but that’s a lame excuse. And I don’t remember asking you to be my boyfriend.”
             

My eyes find her brown carpet, knowing I’m going to have to tell her something that my best friend only knows because he’s close with my family. Something that makes my insides feel like they’re rotting out just to talk about.

“My mom’s gone. I mean, of course my mom’s gone. You know my mom isn’t around, but she left us. Left me, Derrick, and my Dad.”

I suck in a breath, suddenly wishing I was back in Dad’s yard so I could puke again. My gut feels like it’s being ground apart. Slowly, Ziah walks over and leans next to me. It shocks me because the only time we’ve been this close is when I mauled her in the tunnels.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know…”

“Yeah, it’s not usually something I offer up freely.”

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” Her voice is soft, barley above a whisper.

“I want to.”

She raises her eyebrows at me.

“Okay, I don’t want to, but I need to. You deserve to know why I pulled away and stuff.”

My ear suddenly itches. Or maybe it doesn’t, but I need to scratch it just to do something. This is harder than I thought.

“Even when I was a kid, I knew how lucky I was. I mean, I had the huge house, a cool dad, and the kind of mom who would bring me and my best friend to the park for five hours. She was always doing stuff with us, for us. It was perfect.”

Is that all you remember about that day? Isn’t that what Paul had asked me? A little flash of Mom driving home with red eyes pops into my head. It wasn’t the first time I’d seen her cry, but that’s normal, right?

Another picture, seeing her argue with someone in the park. One of the other kid’s dads. What happened?

“Sounds nice.” Ziah’s voice pulls me back to the moment.

It was nice. I think she actually caught me sneaking up to watch a movie with her that night. She’d had a pallet on the floor in the living room and let me sleep there with her.

“It’s only Paul’s mom around his house, and she pretty much works as much as my dad does now. He was always at my house because we had everything. My parents always treated him like another kid, too.”

I’m rambling. How lame is that? I’m not usually a rambler. I feel like such a pussy, but when she squeezes my hand, some of the tension in my chest lightens.

“She spoiled me, ya know. That’s why I’m used to getting my way. I could get away with anything.”

Not toward the end, though. She’d been so mad. So mad and then nothing. Am I just making this up? Our life was good. Perfect.

“So yeah, one day I had the perfect life, the next, Mom was gone. Dad was all screwed up. Derrick wouldn’t come out of his room. I had no clue. No fucking clue what was going on. Dad tried to pull it together for me, but he couldn’t. I’ve never felt as alone… as abandoned as I did then. I had no one.”

Tears, tears start to sting my eyes. I wipe them before they can fall. “I get it. I was too young, Dad was too messed up, but I was scared.”

I close my eyes, hoping to make it go away with the darkness, hoping we’ll magically be in that tunnel again making out instead of me crying like a baby. I try to back away. She won’t let me get away with it, though. Not Ziah. She’s in front of me, standing between my legs. I can’t help but open my eyes to see her.

“Derrick actually came around first. He manned up like he always does and took care of me. Told me Mom was gone and we didn’t need her. That we’d be better off without her. Without any girls. We were so young and dumb making that lame pact, but we stuck to it because we didn’t want to be ruined like Dad was.

“Soon, Dad came around, too. He tried. We’re still lucky, ya know? He loves us. His Gibson boys.”

Ziah’s quiet for a minute and then finally speaks. “I didn’t know. Lora never told me… God, I’m so sorry, Dylan. That had to have been so hard. Do you know where she is?”

How is it I’m not more wrecked than I am? How is it that being by her kind of makes it okay?

“Hell no, and good riddance. I don’t ever want to see her again.” We don’t need her. How many times has Derrick said that to me? We’re all fine without her.

Ziah steps close to me. I feel her everywhere, inside and out, and there’s a part of me that wants to soak in it. But I can’t.

“That’s why I was so pissed at Derrick about the wedding. I know it sounds stupid, but we promised. He went back on that. I guess, I kind of get it, but,” I shrug. “I don’t want to lose him, too.”

She runs her hand through my hair, and it feels so good. “Dylan, you’re not going to lose him. He’s your brother.”

But my mom was my mom, and she ran away from us. As much as I hate it, I stand up. Ziah backs away from me. The words sound all wrong in my head, like they don’t fit or something, but I make myself say them anyway. I have to.

“So yeah, that’s why I don’t do the relationship thing. I don’t ever want to be like my dad was. And I know you’re the relationship kind of girl. I don’t want screw up our friendship.”

“So you’re just going to be alone forever?”

I don’t answer her question. That’s when I know I have to go. “Listen, I gotta run. I just wanted you to know. It’s not you. It’s me. And that’s really not a line, I swear.”

I should turn and walk away, but I don’t. Her eyes are all big and watery. She’s biting her lip, and I know she doesn’t want me to go. I can’t believe I’m going to admit this, but I have to.

“I like you, but…” I hold out my hand. “Friends?” I ask. “We can still hang out. Designated wedding planners and all. I have fun with you, Hanes.”

I try for light and know I’m not pulling it off. I see her chest rise and fall as she takes a deep breath. Gently she shakes her head, steps forward and holds out her hand.

“Friends.”

Eighteen

~ Ziah ~

I’m wondering as I watch Dylan drive away how pathetic I am for wishing he’d have given me a hug. I want to scream, it’s so infuriating, but at the same time, I get it. He’s such a bad idea for me that I should be glad, but I also feel enough around him to know that it still sucks.

***

“So.” Lora bursts into my room. “The girls are coming in this weekend for some girl time and final dress fittings.”

“Okay. When does this start?”

“Now!” Karissa and Mardie burst in behind her.

“And,” Mardie jumps onto my bed, sending her short, black hair flying. It’s a little crazy since I’ve only met her once, but she’s like a ball of Asian crazy-fury. “I got you a fake ID so you can come out with us tonight.”

I stare at Lora with wide eyes.

Lora shrugs. “It’s Saturday afternoon. I want NO talking about homework or anything but fun.”

“Come on, Ziah.” Karissa gives me a big smile. Her hair’s red now, and I actually can’t remember what color it was last time I saw her.

I stand up off my bed, and set my American government text down.

“Now we need to dress you.” Karissa stands in front of my closet frowning.

“Um… If we’re just going to try on dresses, how does it matter what I wear?” I ask.

The two friends both freeze and stare at me. Lora laughs.

“Don’t worry, Ziah. You’ll get used to them. Best to just nod and smile.” Lora’s grinning and relaxed. Probably just glad not to be the only object of their attention.

Mardie turns to Karissa. “I think Ziah needs that blue halter top of yours.”

“Oh!” Karissa’s eyes widen. “Yes, and find some skinny jeans.”

I stand in my room in a daze, and by the time they’re all done primping, there’s no spot of carpet visible on my floor, and I don’t feel like myself. But I do think I might pass for twenty-one. I’m under this makeup somewhere, I’m just not sure where.

***

All of us are in our dresses, and standing together, I finally get it. Lora’s dress is that slim sheath of antiqued lace that drifts out around her—gorgeous doesn’t even begin to describe it. Me, Mardie, and Karissa are all in the same simple black heels, and our dresses are all very different but go together. Mine’s totally the best, and Lora even had them add some sheer lace to the top so I don’t feel too naked.

All the sewing is done, and they just marked Karissa’s for her lack of chest.

“So not fair.” Mardie shakes her head at me. “You and your sister have the same tall, lithe body. I’m stuck forever as ‘cute.’”

Karissa laughs. She’s not quite as tall as Lora and I, but she’s thin, almost too thin. Almost no boobs, and her red hair isn’t as shockingly red now that it’s pulled up. But it’s still shockingly red.

“Wow,” Mom says as she sits watching. “You girls all look so beautiful.”

Lora’s beaming. “I’m getting married. Like really, seriously, getting married.”

We stand in this awkward group hug of girlie elbows and perfumes and overdone hair.

“Let’s go get wasted.” Karissa laughs as she jogs in the shoes back to her dressing room.

“Ziah.” Mom gives me her stern look, and instead of being embarrassed, I walk carefully toward her in my stilt shoes while the girls head the other way.

I’m definitely going to need some practice time in these heels.

“I have no idea what these girls have planned, but here’s my credit card. If you need a cab home, just do it, okay?” She slides me her card.

“Okay. Thanks, Mom.” I have no idea what we’re up to tonight, but I’m not going to be the one who goes home early.

I’m done with James, there’s no Dylan, and I look like… Well, old enough to have some fun.

***

I’m floating. And laughing. And I’ve been hit on so many times, my ego’s probably almost as big as Dylan’s.

“The boys will be here any second.” Lora raises her glass before her and her two friends down another shot.

I’m drinking a margarita, and it’s amazing. I’m not sure how many I’ve had, but we’ve been here a long time. My lips are totally numb, so I’m thinking a way lot.

I knew Lora’s friends were fun, but I had no idea they were so hysterical. I’m laughing harder than I remember laughing in forever.

Derrick runs up behind Lora and grabs her around the waist. She screams but turns and falls into his arms.

“Wow. You got a head start.” He chuckles as she pulls away.

“You can’t keep up with me when we start at the same time.” She kisses his cheek. “I figure we’re even.”

Derrick laughs and some blond guy that must be a friend of his from out of town slaps him on the back, and in moments, Blondie and Karissa are dancing on the small corner of the bar that’s a sort-of dance floor.

And there’s Dylan. Who is staring. And I’m not afraid of him at all anymore. At all. Way at all. This is brilliant. He walks around the table, I’m assuming to say hi to me because we’ve been talking a bit since his whole big admission on why he’s such a chicken shit about relationships.

I giggle a little.
Chicken shit
. And when I stand up to greet him, the room tilts at such a crazy angle that I end up in his arms. My face is plastered against his hard, delicious smelling chest, and he’s holding me up.

“Hi.” He has this funny little smug smile.

I frown as I stand and find my feet again, staying way too close. “You’re not twenty-one. How did you get in?”

“My dad’s business partner owns the place.” Dylan still looks smug. “How did you get in?”

I ignore his question. “Do you think I look pretty?”

I’m only half aware this is something I’d never, ever, in a million years say. I even spin around so he can see my super-tight jeans and Karissa’s blue halter top, which might be a size too small, and my hair, which is in a perfectly messy pile on my head, leaving my neck exposed and my back bare.

“Of course you do.” His eyes dart around before he does his ear-scratchy thing.

“Wanna dance?” I reach out my hand.

“I…uh…”

“I’ll dance with you,” some guy says from behind me.

When I turn to face him, he’s pretty cute. Too old for me, but what the hell. One dance.

“Perfect.” I reach my arm up and slide it over his shoulder as his hands slide around the lowest part of my waist.

“I don’t think so.” Lora grabs my arm.

The guy looks between us twice and backs away.

“Ziah.” She puts a hand on either shoulder and looks at me way too closely. “How much have you had to drink?”

Her face is so scowly and hilarious. I start to giggle again. Derrick’s smirking behind her, and Mardie starts to duck away.

“Oh, no you don’t.” Lora turns to Mardie. “How many of these things has she had?”

Mardie shrugs. “I dunno. You were here, too.”

“But Mardie was sneaking them in.” I giggle again.

“Thank you.” Mardie’s eyes widen at me, which brings Lora’s attention to her and off me.

“It’s one thing to let her come, but she’s plastered.” Lora sighs.

I tug on my bottom lip, pulling it away from my face wondering if I can see it because it feels funny.

Mardie leans toward Lora. “We were curious, you know? You can drink like a fish and just keep on moving, but Ziah…”

“Can’t.” Lora puts her arm around me. “We should get you home.”

“I just got here.” Derrick slides his arm around her waist.

I get all warm and fuzzy again seeing them close together. I touch them both on the cheek and push their faces a little closer together. “You two are soooo beautiful. Your children will be almost as gorgeous as me.”

And then I lose it laughing until Lora catches me because drunk and stilts don’t go together. Maybe tonight wasn’t a good night to practice in the heels.

“At least you’re a happy drunk.” Lora rubs her hand on my back a little. “Geez, Ziah. Really.”

I start to talk, but I’m still laughing too hard. Giggles tickle my body making me laugh more, and the room is like the best roller coaster ride ever.

“Come on, Hanes.” Dylan’s arm slides around my waist. “I’ll get you home.”

“Why do you have to smell so delicious?” I frown.

“Hygiene. And I thought that was a good thing.” He turns to see me, but it puts our faces close together, and I lose my head a little.

“Not when it gives me these happy tinglings way down here.” I tickle Dylan just under his belt, and he half-jumps away, which makes me stumble.

“Oh-kay.” Derrick slaps his brother on the back and leans in close.

I strain my ears.

“Lora told me about the kiss. No touching. I’m serious.” Derrick’s practically growling, which is hilarious.

Dylan knocks his brother’s arm off him. “Give me some credit, will ya?”

“Sorry.” Derrick pats his back before stepping back.

“If Mom and Dad are up, just blame me. I’ll deal with it tomorrow.” Lora gives me a kiss on my cheek.

I’m still floating as Dylan leads me to his car. Maybe I should be mad I have to leave, but this night is too fun for me to care.

***

Mary’s so wide that there’s this enormous space between us. “I’m too far away from you.” I pout. At least I think I’m pouting. I’m not sure I’ve ever tried it before. I feel invincible. Like I could fly away. Like I could say anything.

“For what?” He readjusts his hands on the steering wheel and stares straight out at the road.

“To mess with you while you drive. Mary’s too big.” I lean toward him smiling, but his eyes are focused on the street.

“Don’t be mean to Mary just because you’re drunk, okay?”

“I’m not that drunk.” I don’t think. I’ve never had more than one beer, or one glass of wine. Ever.

“Really?” He cocks a brow and finally turns to smile at me.

“Bet I’m not too drunk to kiss you.”

Dylan goes rigid again.

Just for fun, I decide to press him further and reach across the car, putting my hand high on the inside of his thigh.

We swerve, Dylan curses and pushes my hand away.

“Did I distract you?” I tease as I poke his cheek.

“Always,” he mutters.

It was worth leaving the bar just for this.