Dolci di Love (23 page)

‘T
hat gave us what? An extra ten minutes?' Violetta calculated as she heard the doorbell fall onto the floor of the
pasticceria
.

‘Yes, and an extra hundred euro,' pointed out Luciana.

‘Here, pass me your scarf so I can wave it to the widow Ciacci, will you?' Violetta instructed, opening the window. ‘She's got the widow Mazzetti over there with the stop watch, but really the widow Del Grasso's our only worry—it turns out she has a phobia about goats.'

‘So how will she lure old Capriani away from his herd?'

‘She has grappa and, more importantly, some of the widow Benedicti's
crostata di more
. If that won't do it he's feeble enough for her to push him over with a decent shove. What about you, are you coming?'

Luciana shook her head and pointed to her bandaged ankle. ‘Not this time, Violetta. You will have to make do without me.'

‘L
ily,' Daniel said again, the golden light in the middle of the church flaring out behind him.

Lily couldn't think straight. She wasn't prepared. She turned and headed toward the main entrance of the church, struggling with the heavy doors, pushing instead of pulling until she finally wrenched one half open and a goat shot in, a baby one. The same one that had been separated from its mother? It came straight at her, panicked like a jittery colt, pushing her away from the door, which slammed shut again.

The kid ran toward Daniel, who was walking up the aisle.

‘Maaaah,' it said, then stopped, panting, and looked from one to the other.

All Lily needed now was Saint Francis of Assisi to appear and she would know that this was all part of some great celestial joke, not real life.

‘You didn't see Francis of Assisi out there, did you?' Daniel asked.

She stared at him, incredulous.

And then she laughed.

It used to happen all the time, that one of them would be thinking something and the other would say it, although she
couldn't remember the last time, it was so long ago. How curious that it should happen now.

Her laughter echoed around the empty church, sounding much bigger than it really was.

‘What are you doing here?' she asked.

‘I was on my way to see a new client in Pienza and got stuck in all those goats. You?'

‘The goats. Yes.'

He looked at the little kid, which was milling around the pew next to him, then back to her. ‘I'm so sorry about yesterday, Lily.'

Had it only been yesterday? It seemed like a lifetime ago.

‘I'm so sorry for everything,' Daniel continued. ‘I came looking for you but I couldn't find you. I went to the
pasticceria
but…'

Lily, spookily calm, sat down on the end of the nearest pew. It was so cool in the church, so quiet.

Daniel sat down on the pew across the aisle from her.

For a while there was nothing but the sound of the kid goat scruffling around the altar.

‘Happy birthday for yesterday,' Lily said.

‘Thanks,' Daniel replied. ‘Forty-six.'

‘What happened, Daniel?' Lily asked. ‘I need to know.'

‘Lily, I don't think—'

‘Please, I really need to know. I need you to be honest with me. If you can't do that, there's no point in even talking to me.'

She was right, of course she was right, but the trouble with the truth was that no matter how he put it, it would hurt.

He could couch it gently, saying the details didn't count, it meant nothing, that he didn't want to cause her any more pain, but really, he doubted that was possible.

He wanted to come clean and there was no easy, no kind, no pretty way to do it.

‘I was here on business as usual,' he said flatly, ‘and I had a
meeting that didn't go particularly well, so I went to a bar afterward and I met Eugenia.'

‘When?'

His head was bowed, his fingers clasped in front of him, and she saw his knuckles whiten.

‘I think you know when,' he said softly. ‘It's the “when” that makes it a thousand times worse.'

A tear fell silently down her cheeks. The ‘when' did make it a thousand times worse.

‘
How could you?
If you loved me like you say you do, how could you?'

If only there were an answer that could wipe away the hideousness of it all, but there wasn't, so Daniel stuck to the truth.

‘I don't know,' he said. ‘I don't know. But it was a mistake. A huge mistake and I knew it straightaway, but it was already too late.'

So many lives ruined by his
mistake
, thought Lily. By his male stupidity, his selfishness, his thoughtlessness. His own life, hers, Eugenia's, Francesca's, and the little boy she'd never met.

‘But you saw her again,' she said.

‘Yes, the next time I came to Italy. But we never…I never…She told me she was pregnant and that was that.'

Lily closed her eyes and saw the round, full belly that she had ached to have, felt that tiny hidden heartbeat.

‘I'm so sorry,' Daniel whispered. He meant it, with all his heart he meant it. But he knew that saying it would never be enough. What was an apology, really, when weighed up against his transgression? Nothing but a bunch of useless words.

‘Are you in love with her?'

‘No.'

‘Were you ever?'

‘No.' He shook his head. ‘I love you, Lily, and that's the truth, but I was—lonely. And stupid. And then there was…a child,' he
tried to soften the blow of that word but couldn't. ‘I felt I had no choice.'

‘You felt you had no choice.' She sounded cold, dull.

‘Lily, honestly, no one could go through what you and I went through and in any conscience make any other decision.'

‘Don't talk to me about conscience, Daniel! How can you say that?'

‘It was an impossible situation.'

‘Well, you're the one who made it impossible.'

‘I did. I agree with you. I just didn't see what else I could do.'

‘So you chose to keep this secret from me for all these years. Can you imagine how stupid I feel? How betrayed?'

Daniel thought of Ingrid. ‘Lay your heart out like a cloak over a puddle,' she had told him. ‘If you love her, if you want her back, give her whatever she needs.'

He had nothing left to lose. Lily was here, listening to him, and there was no point lying or embellishing or hiding anything from her anymore.

‘At first, I thought I would tell you,' he said. ‘But you were so fragile after Baby Grace that I was afraid it would be too much for you to bear. And then…'

‘And then what?'

‘And then time passed, Lily, and fragile turned to something else and by then Francesca was two and I knew I had left it too long already, and anyway…'

‘And anyway what?'

‘And anyway, you had stopped noticing me by then.'

‘So it's my fault?'

‘Please! I have no one to blame but myself, I know that. It eats away at me every moment of every day. Can't you see that?'

The truth was, she didn't know what she could see. It was Daniel, her Daniel, but disguised by this shocking deceit that would be between them forever.

‘What does that even mean, I stopped noticing you?'

She started to weep before he could answer her—for her lost children, for his mistake, for the dreadful mess that had driven them apart and would keep them that way and because it was true, she had stopped noticing him. She knew he was lonely because she was lonely too, but it was easier to be busy or distracted or to pour another glass of wine than it was to be hurt.

‘You went your own way, Lily.'

‘You could have come with me,' she wept. ‘You could have done something.'

‘That's not true. I can only keep up with you if you let me,' he said. ‘It's always been that way. You're the star, I'm just the one catching a ride.'

Lily, too, had nothing left to lose.

‘It was Baby Grace,' she sobbed, unable to contain the pain that was sucking at her lungs. ‘It was handing her back. I thought I knew what heartbreak was but that car seat, Daniel, that goddamn empty car seat. I should never have thrown it in the Dumpster. I should have sent it back to Grace's mom. She probably never even had a car seat. She probably never even had a car.'

‘I want to come over there,' Daniel said, pleading, tears shining on his cheeks. ‘I want to hold you.'

‘No,' she wept. ‘It's too late for that.'

‘Lily, please. Just let me come over there.'

‘No,' she cried again, even though in a lifetime of loneliness she could not imagine feeling more so. ‘You must love Eugenia,' she said instead. ‘Or you must have kept seeing her because there's the little boy. There's Ernesto. There are the photos of you all together playing happy family.'

Daniel nodded, wiped at his face with the back of his hand.

‘Ernesto,' he said, ‘despite Eugenia's protestations to the contrary, is not my son.'

‘How can that be true? He looks just like you!'

‘Well, he looks even more like a Scandinavian backpacker who came through to pick more than just grapes. We never had a relationship, Lily. It was a fling that had been over for years by then.'

‘You're just saying that! A woman wouldn't—'

‘Lily, Eugenia is troubled. She has a history of being troubled. She requires a lot of looking after. Carlotta is in contact with the backpacker, but he's not in a position to provide in any way, so I do what I can, for Francesca and for the boy. We might play happy family, but that is certainly not what we are.'

‘You give them money?'

‘I give them money. Although…'

She sniffed.

‘Although what?'

Daniel blew out a lungful of air. ‘There's something else you need to know,' he said. ‘It's true about my business being in trouble. One of the big corporates has been over here snatching my best suppliers, and I can't blame them, they're offering more than I ever could and trips to Disneyland, can you believe it. I am down to one brunello producer and only two vino nobile and I don't know how much longer I will be able to hang on, even to them.'

Lily could not believe her ears. ‘You want money,' she stated plainly.

He laughed, but it was a stunted, disappointed sound.

‘No, Lily, I don't want money. I want to be honest.'

‘Well, I guess you'll be able to sue me for alimony.'

‘Lily, please. I'm not going to sue you.'

‘Then what are you going to do?'

‘I have no idea. But you know what? Despite me, despite what I've done, how wrong I've been, despite everything, I'm glad you know about Francesca.'

Also despite everything, Lily was glad too.

‘But is she safe?' she asked. ‘With her mom?'

‘At the moment, I'm not sure.'

‘Well, what are you going to do, Daniel? And what were you thinking abandoning her like that? You're her father! You can't just run out on her when the going gets tough. That's so cowardly.'

‘I know it's cowardly,' Daniel said, ‘but I needed some time to think, to work out what to do about this mess, because Francesca needs more than me one week a month and Carlotta when her mother is not well, but I was also thinking about you, Lily. I was thinking that the family I wanted to have was always with you, and how I would never have that.'

The kid, still up at the altar, lifted its head suddenly, as though it heard someone calling it, then scampered up the aisle between them toward the door, where it skittered to a halt.

‘Should we let it out?' Lily asked, getting to her feet. ‘I think it's looking for its mother.'

‘Don't go,' Daniel said, standing and reaching for her, resting his hand on her arm.

She looked down at it: his hand with the long fingers that Francesca had inherited, the square nails, the golden skin.

‘What do you want me to do?' she asked.

‘Don't go,' he said again.

She pulled her arm away from him but stayed where she was.

‘Don't stay this cold, lonely person,' she heard Rose telling her, and Dermott echoing it, and some creamy dessert chiming in too. Part of her wanted to reach out for her husband, to tell him that she could live with what he had done and its consequences, that as long as he still loved her and she loved him everything would be all right. Together they would figure it out.

But those boulders were still in the way and she didn't think she could move them even if she wanted to.

‘I know you think you can never forgive me, Lily,' Daniel said, his voice thick with tears, ‘and whatever you want me to do, I'll do it. I'll leave here and come home, forever, or I'll give you a divorce and you'll never have to see me again. Whatever you want, I'll do it.'

She wondered then if there was anything he could do that would make it all right.

The kid maaahed sadly at the door. It needed its mother. Everybody needed a mother.

‘I love you, Lily Turner,' Daniel said, desperately. ‘I always have and I always will. No matter what. I love you.'

She started to walk to the back of the church. He loved her. He always had and he always would.

‘Wait,' he said. ‘Lily, please. Wait.'

She stopped and reached for the door, but instead her hand found the cool stone of the church wall and rested there.

She believed him. That was the thing. She believed that he had always loved her and always would, no matter what. And that wasn't enough to shift the boulders, but there was still something she could do, a promise she could keep.

She was no longer the same cold, lonely person who had come to Italy. She knew that. She had changed. She slid her hand across the wall and pulled open the door just enough to let the goat out. Then she closed it again and turned to her husband.

‘All right,' she said, ‘I'll wait, but not for you. I'll wait until you sort out proper care for Francesca but after that…I'm sorry, Daniel. That's as far as I can go.'