Dolphin Way: Rise of the Guardians (28 page)

Chapter 37

“
And when you are abandoned

Completely alone

There is one who’ll love you still

She waits in the shadows

Shy, patient; always ready

She knows you’ll take her as partner

For your last dance

She’s not jealous of past lovers

Cares not what wrongs you’ve done

Demands only total faithfulness

Accept her cold embrace

You’ll have no other lover”

- The poet Jupiter by Regulas (9,467-9,491 post Great Alluvium)

Sky rocked at the surface in the big, rolling swells of the deep ocean and stared into the white fiery sun.

Take my sight if you want Senx, I do not want to see any more of this world.

It was becoming an effort for him to stay at the surface; his body seemed heavy, in spite of not having eaten for many days. A distant part of his mind registered that the heaviness seemed right somehow; as it felt as though his insides were turning to stone. It had begun with his heart, knowing that everything he held dear was gone: no clan, no friends, no Mist, no Dusk. Then it had seemed to creep through his insides, as though they were turning to — no, not stone — to hard, stony coral. But not vibrant living coral; instead the bleached skeleton of a dead reef. Still, somehow it was able to grow, it had filled his body and now its stony tendrils had begun worming into his mind.

I am ready for the Cleaner.

His eyes burned in pain as he forced himself not to blink. The glare from the surface filled the edges of his vision. He sought to control his mind which wandered constantly. He had laid at the surface for many days now, far from the nearest land. He had lain there day and night; his back and dorsal fin were blistered from the intense sun. He had swum away from the land without any real plan, just wanting the clean purity of the deep sea. No seabed, no other dolphins, just blue. At first it had helped, he had felt stronger, then the loneliness started to gnaw at him. And the realisation that this was how it would be from now on. Always. He knew that it was possible he might find some other clan, but in reality it was unlikely. Most clans were understandably suspicious of exiles, and they usually ended up alone forever. He had heard that the Guardians welcomed exiles but he had seen enough of their ways to know that he could never join them.

But if he did, might he see Dusk again? No, she was lost to him in any case — she had her new Guardian companion. And so was Venus In Mist, beautiful Mist, gone now with her clan, far from here. Would she learn that he had been exiled? She must already hate him for not meeting her that last day as he had promised, now she would despise him too.

His eyes burned painfully into his mind.

Let’s end it here.

A sudden larger swell rolled over him and as his eyes submerged he thought he saw a large shape glide below him at the edge of visibility.

The patient one. Waiting for me to finish.

This reminded him of another ending: Passing Cloud, who he had loved so much and whose darkening dive had been a beautiful, dignified ending. The old dolphin had gone to the void peaceful and content with a life well lived. Now he had squandered his.

He blinked and looked again. He could not see properly now and closed his eyes hard for a moment to try to regain his sight, then cursed himself for lack of willpower. I cannot even control my senses now, let alone my mind. What happened to all those grand pretensions of reaching the First Level?

Tiredly he began to pull his mind together.

I suppose I’m ready. I’ll make my darkening dive now.

As a reflex he commenced the controlled breathing ritual as he had practised it daily during his time at the Academy, then stopped with a bitter smile. This was not a control exercise; he did not need to extend his breath hold time for anything. He was not coming back.

But it seemed right somehow. After the years of rigid self discipline the concentration needed to retreat to the smallest recess of his mind prior to a long dive had become natural to him. Although he had failed to ever fully reach the first level of consciousness during those dives, he had been given tantalising glimpses of how it must be and it had deeply moved him.

So be it. My darkening dive will follow my teaching and the Way.

He slowed and deepened his breathing. Listened to his pulse and began the deliberate withdrawal down into the lower levels of consciousness, reducing his body’s need for oxygen to a minimum. According to his training he visualised his awareness of his whole body, pictured a red glow representing his conscious presence in every part of it. Then, with each slow outward breath, the glow dimmed, at first reducing from the tips of his fins, then passing slowly up from his tail and into his body. He monitored his pulse again and slowed it further; making his heart pause for a little longer between each beat.

He slowed his breathing further still. The red glow was receding further now with every exhalation, now just in the core of his body and his brain. In a few more breaths it retreated into his mind alone. He was dimly aware of the rest of his body and surroundings. All far away now. He was entering the deep diving trance, and the combined effects of hunger and lack of sleep served to distance him further from his outer being than ever before. With each outward breath his eyes slowly closed and the sphere of his awareness diminished. His body was saturated with oxygen but demanding almost none, his circulation was down to near comatose levels.

As in the best dives of his training, he did not really choose when to start the dive. He just felt his body tilt, his tail lift from the water, and the weight of it softly pressed him through the silver membrane and into the gentle caress of the endless blue.

His consciousness was concentrated in a small part of his being, the small yet distinct part of his mind that was his essence. It was the state of mind that he had deliberately trained himself to reach in the past: at the bottom of the fourth level of consciousness; primarily in the unconscious state but still under the distant control of the conscious mind. But this time he had reached it almost without trying.

He swam steadily directly downwards, his body motions seeming very far away. The sunlight pierced the water in gently waving parallel shafts, dappling his body. Sky saw that
Xhosii
was the dominant Tonella, the Shade depicting
birth, fulfilment
or
duty
. The wavering light shafts seemed to further taunt him, with the message
changes
or
choice
. He tried to dismiss it. It made no sense for him. Birth meant nothing. And fulfilment? Of what? And duty? Did he have any duty?

His dive continued and the blues began to darken around him. The shafts of sunlight became feeble and then began to fade. Ahead of him the water looked black as night.
Ndria
, the Shade of Death. He stopped swimming down now; there was no need, his lungs were compressed and he was heavier now; falling freely.

He saw a shimmering horizontal layer in the water just below him; as he fell gently through it he was faintly aware of the abrupt drop in temperature. The light was almost gone. Above the Shades still said
duty
; below only
death
. The shafts of light were gone, the uniformity of the remaining light implying certainty. Certainty of what? Death? Or Duty?

Now he was deeper than he had ever been before.

I am leaving your domain, Senx. I seek Death. She must be near now, please don’t let her play with me. Take me quickly.

Suddenly the water below him seemed totally dark: absolute death awaited. He felt relief, soon it would end, and he would be part of Ocean as all things eventually are. He looked once more upwards. The Shade of
Xhosii
was still dominant but very dim now, barely discernable. I am swimming away from Duty. Suddenly he felt doubt. What duty? No one wants me, they wanted me to go.

Then he remembered the last words of his teacher: “If I have been able to influence them in some small manner for the better; if, at some time in the future they are faced with a hard choice and they think, for just a moment: “what would he have said?” then my life was worthwhile.”

What would Passing Cloud have said? Probably that we have a greater duty than to the self, or the clan, or even our species. That he had special obligations as an Aligner. We are the keepers of Ocean.
Keepers
of Ocean! Not the
guardians
. Was that his duty? Should he be trying to stop the Guardians corrupting the Way? Should he confront Storm Before Darkness?

Am I the coward now? Choosing this end when I still have a duty to fulfil?

He was sinking faster now. He became aware of a quiet but insistent desire on the edge of his consciousness. He thought of the surface, how very far away it was, how very hard it would be to reach it now. A tendril of fear snaked an icy path across his mind cracking his brittle concentration. He forced it out remembering his training and something Passing Cloud had said once: “In the darkness the pathway to life is dim. If fear clouds your eyes you will certainly lose the way”.

To life! And here he was using that training to choose death!

The desire suddenly grew again and panic gripped him for a moment. With a major effort he suppressed it and levelled out his attention in his upper consciousness, ignoring the instinctive need for air. Remembering:
Does your body serve your mind, or control it?
According to his training he probed out to the edges of his mind and noted the areas of encroaching shadow at its limits, closing in on his awareness.

His mind was dimming now but a small thought formed and hardened and filled what was left of his consciousness.

Very well, I’ll try to come back. I’ll try but I really don’t know if I can now. I am very deep in the darkness and the Cleaner is hungry for me.

With a great effort he began to swim upwards. His body seemed terribly slow to respond and his reserves of oxygen were very low. The darkness did not seem to alter and his body’s demand grew again, hurling itself against the fragile shell of his self control.

I am not rising. I am too heavy. I am sinking. I will die here.

He kept swimming, his mind on the edge of unconsciousness. He was no longer sure he was swimming at all. But he had tried. He had tried so hard.

It was still dark. He must be sinking.
Must keep swimming.

He thought that the water was lightening and he felt a momentary glimmer of hope. But the surface was still so far away! He would never make it! Panic began to crack the shell and he started finning hard, wasting valuable oxygen.

Panic and die, panic and die, servant or controller?

He forced himself to swim steadily, to keep his oxygen needs to a minimum, to preserve what remained for his mind. The Shades changed.

Duty.

Choices.

Changes, duty, life.

The water was much lighter now but his consciousness was darkening. He could make out the surface of the water but not tell if he was moving towards it anymore. The shadows in his mind grew closer, tighter, around his flickering core of consciousness. He realised that he had stopped finning but could not force himself to start again. It seemed much less important now anyway. He felt himself losing consciousness and falling back into the depths of his own subconsciousness.

I’ll just sleep for a little while...

A tiny, distant spark of awareness awoke him for a moment and he struggled to remember what it meant. A message from his body, something small but seemingly important. He tiredly tried to concentrate for a moment then recognised the sensation — a wave was lapping across his back, his body was rolling gently at the surface. Yes, he thought he recognised it now but it was too hard to do anything about it. He relaxed again and began to sink into the reassuring embrace of unconsciousness once more.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe now or she will take you down again.
Yes, that was it, that was what he was meant to do, he should take some air. It seemed very hard and very far away, but he sent the message to his body. He had no idea if the message arrived, he was left in a tiny glimmer of consciousness for what seemed an incredibly long time. The blackness of the rest of his mind, his body, everything — it spread in all directions forever. Then, shockingly, a white light exploded in his head and he convulsed as his body tried to expel the water he had taken into his lungs. Awareness returned suddenly and painfully as he shook in spasms.