Dom X - The Complete Box Set: Alpha Male Romance (18 page)

I
'd tried not
to feel rejected when X told me that we were finished for the night. We were doing this whole thing for him anyway. This wasn't a true Dom / Sub relationship. It wasn't a relationship at all. My wants and needs didn't matter.

But that wasn't what bothered me. I could control myself. After all, Tanner had spent hours teaching me all of the finer points of self-control. I'd learned how to hold back an orgasm until it was almost painful. How to keep myself quiet when all I wanted to do was moan and scream. I'd knelt until my knees ached, given head until my jaw cried out, all the while ignoring the pulse of desire between my legs.

It wasn't the denial of my desires that bothered me.

It was the fact that I shouldn't have been desiring them in the first place.

X wasn't mine to want. I knew that. I'd known that from the moment I'd first seen him. He'd become my patient then, and no matter how many times I wanted to justify my actions, I'd never actually quit taking care of him. What I felt for him wasn't right. I shouldn't feel it.

Except that was easier said than done. The one thing people could never actually control was emotion. We could control our actions, what we did with our emotions, but not how we felt.

Which meant I had no way to stop myself from wanting X. I could only control my actions.

So I spent all day Tuesday doing just that.

Controlling my actions.

After an awkward breakfast, I decided the best way to do that was to stay upstairs. I could hear X downstairs whenever I ventured into the hallway, though I had no clue why he was roaming around. It was good, I supposed, that he was moving around, doing things. I was pretty sure I'd even heard the back door open.

I should've been happy that he was getting better, doing more on his own. That was the whole reason I'd come out here, after all. To make sure he got better.

I just hadn't thought beyond that point. I had no idea what I would do once X didn't need me to dress his bandages. Since it seemed he wanted to move about now, I didn't think getting him to do his physical therapy on his own would be that difficult. Which meant there'd be no reason for me to stick around. Not unless I wanted to go from being a nurse to being a housekeeper and a cook.

Which I didn't. I'd gone into medicine because I wanted to help people. I wasn't entirely sure if I wanted to go back to nursing, but I knew I still wanted to help. If X didn't need my assistance anymore, then my job was done. That meant I should use the next couple weeks to figure out what I really wanted to do.

Except I couldn't think about anything except the way it felt when X had put his hand on my back, when it had slid around my side. If his kiss had thrown me, the incident with the yard stick had freaked me out. Not because it'd hurt or been too kinky. No, it freaked me out because of how much it turned me on.

By Wednesday night, I was thoroughly frustrated, both emotionally and sexually. While I couldn't do something about the first, I could about the second.

I stretched out on my bed and closed my eyes. I was wearing pajamas meant more for comfort than for seduction, but it was easy to imagine that I was in something sexy. A silk negligee, maybe something a deep blue or rich green. Something that would show off my curves.

I ran my hands down my sides, and then over my stomach, up to my breasts. I cupped them, ran my thumbs over my nipples.

Even though I knew it wasn't a good idea, I let my imagination take over. If I couldn't have what I wanted, and I couldn't stop wanting it, I might as well get something good out of it.

It was no surprise that the fantasy hands I conjured up belonged to a person. They were attached to strong, tattooed arms. Broad shoulders, a muscled torso. Dark blond hair and azure eyes. A face that I would've recognized anywhere.

I reached up to touch his cheek, but he stopped me with a shake of his head.

Right. I needed permission to touch.

“Put your hands over your head.”

I obeyed.

Without taking his eyes off of me, he slowly stripped my clothes off. His fingertips brushed over my skin, leaving burning trails everywhere they touched. I wasn't entirely sure how he managed to get my clothes off while my hands were holding on to the headboard, but hey, it was my fantasy.

I slid my hands under my top and rolled my nipples between my fingers.

“Absolutely perfect,” he breathed as he lowered his head to my breasts.

I whimpered as he began to tease first one, and then the other, circling them with his tongue. When his mouth closed over them, I cried out. He sucked on one as his hand moved to the other. Pinpricks of pain went through me as he tugged and pulled on my nipple, twisting even as his teeth dug into my other one.

My nails bit into my flesh as I played with my nipples. I didn't like a lot of pain, but at the moment, I needed something to take me out of my head. Tanner could've done it better, but that wasn't an option anymore. I had to take care of myself.

His hand came down on my bare ass again, and I squirmed, torn between wanting to get away from the sting, and wanting to get more of it. He spanked me again.

“Such a pretty shade of pink,” he murmured. His fingers dipped between my legs and I gasped. “You're wet, sweetheart.”

I flushed but nodded. He was right. I could feel the moisture on my thighs. His fingers brushed against me again, and I tried to move toward him, desperate for more. I needed him inside me, needed him to quench the desperate ache.

I ran a hand down my stomach and underneath my panties. I was wet, and I knew it was more because of who I was thinking about than because of what my hands were doing.

I tugged against the ropes keeping my arms and legs restrained. They were tight enough that I wouldn't be able to move, but not so tight that I'd lose circulation or be in danger of actually being hurt. Or, rather, I would've been fine if I hadn't been struggling so much that my wrists were chafed.

He crawled up the bed, the strong grace of his body not diminished by the scars that twisted his skin. The look in his eyes made me shiver. It was the sort of predatory look that prey saw moments before it was devoured. For a brief moment, I saw the dangerous soldier he'd been, and then he was leaning over me to take my mouth.

I thought he'd take me then too. He'd already been torturing me with his mouth, licking me until I screamed. My throat was as raw as my wrists. He'd taken me to the edge but backed off every time before I went over. My entire body was one giant, trembling nerve. I needed to come.

I slid a finger into my pussy and pressed the heel of my hand against my clit. A shiver of pleasure went through me.

He set his knees on either side of my head and brushed his thumb against the corner of my mouth.

“Open up, baby.”

I did as I was told, and his cock slipped between my lips. The taste of him burst across my tongue and my fingers flexed, eager to touch him. The ties around my wrists twinged the sensitive skin, but it didn't stop me from pulling at them. I wanted to feel his muscles flexing under my hands while he fucked my mouth.

He started slow at first, giving me the chance to enjoy the weight of him, to use my tongue to tease him. Then he moved faster, and I had to work just to keep myself from gagging. But it didn't make him slow down. He kept the slow, steady pace, pushing me a bit further each time until my nose brushed against his stomach.

I moaned at the thought of him in my mouth, in my throat. I'd seen him naked more the once – the last of which hadn't even been in the hospital – but I knew it wouldn't be the same as seeing him hard and wanting me.

A second finger joined the first, but it wasn't even close to what I knew X would be able to do to me. For me.

His hand twisted in my hair, yanking my head back as he thrust into me. His free hand came down on my ass, punctuating each stroke. Pain and pleasure mingled, running across my nerves until my muscles quivered. My breasts swayed as he drove into me, and my arms threatened to buckle.

“Don't come yet,” he said, his voice rough. “If you come before I give you permission, I'll have to punish you.”

I shuddered, though I couldn't tell if it was because I was trying to stop myself from coming, or because I wanted him to punish me. He'd done it before, and each time had ended in some of the hardest orgasms I'd ever had.

He'd become quite talented with a flogger and a crop, knowing how to use each one perfectly on every part of my body, whether to extract pain or pleasure. He also knew to use his fingers in my cunt, in my ass, to push me to the very limits.

I twisted my fingers inside me, pressing hard on my clit until white spots finally danced in front of my eyes and I came. I bit down on my bottom lip, not wanting to admit the name I was holding back. I'd come thinking about him, but I wouldn't say his name out loud. Not if I could help it.

As I started to come down, I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling.

Well, fuck.
That
happened.

I pushed myself up off the bed and headed for the bathroom. I needed a long shower after that. And I had a bad feeling that even scalding myself for hours wouldn't make me feel any less dirty.

I
slept better
last night than I had in a while. I told myself it was because I'd been working so hard that I was exhausted, but I knew that wasn't it. I'd been working my ass off for a while, and I'd still been plagued with insomnia. No matter how much I wanted to deny it, I knew it was actually because I'd finally given in and given myself some relief.

Fortunately, I didn't have to face that particular realization until after I'd woken up, so I was able to enjoy the benefits of a full night's sleep while I berated myself for having been so weak. I tried to tell myself that I was only human, tried to remind myself that it was just a fantasy, that it didn't matter. I'd never act on it for real.

None of that kept me from having all of my doubts circling in my head over and over again as I dressed and headed down to the kitchen. I really wanted to avoid him, keep myself on the third floor and not have to see him, but I knew that would just make matters worse. If I saw him, forced myself to talk to him, I would have to keep things professional.

It didn't make it any easier for me to walk down the stairs and into the kitchen, where X was already digging through the fridge. I took a slow breath and reminded myself that things didn't need to be weird between the two of us. Nothing happened.

Nothing in the real world, anyway.

“Morning,” he said as he carried a carton of eggs over to the stove.

“Good morning.” I hoped I didn't sound as stiff as I felt. I moved over to where he was standing. “I can do that.”

“I'm capable of making eggs for myself.”

I took a step back, trying not to be hurt by his tone.

“Hey, Nori, sorry.” X glanced at me before quickly returning his gaze to the pan in front of him. “I didn't mean to snap at you.”

I nodded and gave him a small smile. “I should've asked instead of assumed.”

I hated this. Hated how awkward I felt around him. I just wanted things to go back to normal, to the way they were supposed to be, where I didn't feel inappropriate things for someone I was supposed to be taking care of. Sort of.

“It's okay,” he said. “Not like I've exactly been the most cooperative of...patients.”

I almost flinched at the word.

“Pretty soon, you won't need my help at all.” The words came out without me planning on saying them.

There was a moment of silence, and then X asked, “What are you planning to do then?” He cracked an egg and dumped it in the bowl. “I know Father O'Toole technically hired you as the caretaker here, but you went to school to be a nurse. I won't really need one of those in a few weeks, right?”

I pulled a couple pieces of bread out of the bag and put them in the toaster as I considered what to say. I decided on honesty. “I don't know. I haven't really thought that far ahead.”

Okay, so partial honesty at least. I hadn't exactly been thinking about the work part of things.

“I'm sure you could get your job at the medical center back,” he said. “They must be missing you.”

I got a jar of strawberry preserves out. “It'd probably depend on whether or not they've hired someone to replace me.”

Another moment of silence.

“So you definitely want to go back to Texas then? When things are settled here?”

His tone was casual, but I felt like there was something underneath it. I might've been reading into it, wishful thinking and all, but I didn't think that was the case.

“I don't know,” I said. “I've lived my whole life in San Antonio. I hadn't even been out of Texas until I came here.”

He glanced at me as he stirred the eggs. “Really? Your family never took vacations when you were a kid?”

I shook my head and reached for the toast that popped up, perfectly browned. “Not really. We'd do a day at the zoo or some theme park. Sometimes a museum or a car show, or something like that. We never went very far though.”

“My family never went anywhere either.”

He tensed and I realized he hadn't meant to say that. I didn't press for details. Instead, I shifted the conversation. “I'll bet being in the army, you've been to a lot of different places.”

He nodded, scooping his eggs onto his plate. “It was one of the things Father O'Toole used to convince me to enlist. A chance to get out of Philadelphia.” He went to the table and sat down.

After a moment's hesitation, I carried my plate over and sat across from him. “That's one of the reasons I wanted to come here too. A chance to get out of Texas.”

We ate in silence for a couple of minutes, the tension between us easing a bit. I felt a rush of relief. I didn't want things to be weird, no matter what I ended up doing later on.

“Won't your parents want you to come back to San Antonio?”

I got up to pour myself a cup of coffee. “Probably.” He didn't ask me to elaborate, but as I came back to my seat, I found myself adding, “They were another reason I wanted to leave.”

He looked up from his plate and I could see the question on his face.

I took a sip of my coffee, debating how much to share. “We were pretty much a normal family before my brother...died.” The word still made my heart twist.

To my surprise, X reached out and put his hand over mine. It was an innocent gesture, but electricity immediately raced through me.

“You don't have to tell me anything,” he said.

I took a slow breath, and carefully extricated my hand from under his, using my need for another drink of coffee as a silent excuse. “It's okay. I don't mind you knowing.”

And that was the truth. It didn't bother me having him know things about my family that very few other people knew.

“My parents didn't cope with what happened to Logan,” I said. I wrapped my hands around my mug and absorbed the heat. “I think they still haven't, actually. It was like my family imploded that day.” The words were coming easier than I thought they would. “My mom tried to pretend that it never happened, that Logan had died overseas. I guess, in a way, that was true, but she never faced the fact that he killed himself. Or that I found him.” I looked down at my coffee. “They wouldn't talk about it. Wouldn't let me talk about it.”

X muttered a curse under his breath.

“Dad started drinking and didn't stop. And Mom kept pretending that things were fine until she couldn't deny it any longer. She divorced him, but still tried to take care of him.” I gave a bitter chuckle. “Or, rather, she had me take care of him. Whenever she tried, they'd get into a fight, and I ended up having to smooth things over. So Mom just started calling me whenever she was worried about Dad.”

“How old were you when they got divorced?” X asked.

“Officially? Nineteen. But Mom moved out less than a year after Logan...” I let the sentence trail off.

“Damn, Nori. You were just a kid. You shouldn't have had to deal with that.”

I raised my head, unable to stop the little burst of gratification at how indignant X looked on my behalf. “I wasn't that young, but thank you.” I put down my coffee. “Anyway, they never stopped playing me off each other. Mom calling for me to check up on Dad. Me going to the apartment to find him passed out, making sure he didn't accidentally choke in his sleep or set the place on fire. Him being pissed that I hadn't just left him alone. Him calling Mom to complain.” I made a circular motion with my finger. “One long, never-ending cycle. The only way I could get out of it without them blaming each other was to leave. Force them to have to deal with each other because I wasn't there to do it for them.”

“I'll bet they were pissed.”

I gave him a half smile. “You have no idea.” I took a bite of my toast. After I swallowed, I took my turn to ask about him. “What about you? How'd you end up with Father O'Toole?”

A shadow crossed X's face, and I was immediately sorry I asked. I opened my mouth to tell him that he didn't have to share, but he shook his head.

X looked down at his plate. “My father was a bastard who beat on my mom and my sister and me.”

I put down the last bite of toast. I wasn't hungry anymore.

“He left when I was thirteen. Only good thing he ever did.” He pushed some hair out of his face. “My mom's job couldn't even keep a roof over our heads, so I started running drugs for a local dealer. Short version is, I got caught and turned on him to get a shorter sentence. When I got out of juvie, he had some of his thugs jump me. They beat the shit out of me.” He grew quiet, a faraway look in his eyes that told me he wasn't thinking about the here and now. “Father O'Toole came out and chased them off. Saved my life. He nursed me back to health, made me go back to school.”

“He's an amazing man,” I said.

X nodded and glanced up at me. “He's the best person I know.” A light flickered in his eyes and he smiled. “Well, him and you.”

I opened my mouth to protest, to tell X that I was far from a good person, but then I realized if I said that, he'd want to know why. I could've made something up, but I had a feeling he’d know if I wasn't being honest. The last thing X needed was to know that I'd been lusting after him.

“It's good that you have him,” I said. “Everyone needs to have someone they can go to for advice.”

A strange expression crossed X's face and he leaned toward me. “Speaking of advice the good father imparted–”

Whatever he intended to say was cut off by the doorbell.

“Hold that thought.” I smiled at X and got up.

I was beyond relieved at how well things were going. If we were able to do this, we could be friends. Part of me protested that friends wasn't enough, but the rest of me was simply grateful that friendship would be an option. No matter how things played out with work, I wouldn't lose him completely.

I opened the door, my mind still distracted by the conversation I'd left. Because of that, it took me nearly half a minute to fully process the person standing in front of me.

Dark brown hair. Bright green eyes. Handsome.

“Tanner.” I stared at him.

He gave me that same charming smile that won me over years ago. “Hey. I hope I'm not interrupting anything.”

I heard footsteps behind me and knew that X was standing there now.

“What are you doing here?” I asked as I resisted the urge to look at X.

Tanner's smile softened, and he lowered his voice. “I came for you, Nori. I want you back.”