Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook

All
people dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty
recesses of their mind, wake in the morning to find that it was vanity.
But the dreamers of the day are dangerous people, for they dream their dreams
with open eyes, and make them come true.

D.
H. Lawrence

P
REFACE
Don’t
Read This Book

By that, I mean don’t
just
read this
book. Please ponder it. Question it. Study it. Get mad
about it. Laugh at it. Laugh with it. Use it. Abuse
it. Talk about it. Recommend it. Criticize it. Burn
it. Gift it. Pass it along to a friend. Do something with it.

This book is for those who may be either curious
about the Domination/submission lifestyle, or find themselves suddenly a part of
it, and needful of information to fill the gaps in their knowledge and
experience. Though written from the admittedly highly subjective
perspective of a male heterosexual Dominant with over thirty years of real-life
experience in D/s relationships, great pains have been taken to apply a modicum
of objectivity to the endeavor.

It’s probably important to state up-front that there
is, always has been, and always will be a great deal of controversy both in and
outside of the D/s lifestyle about many of the topics discussed in this
book. Frankly, there is barely any consensus even on the question of
whether Domination/submission constitutes a “lifestyle” at all. Opinions
on that particular question range from the one extreme of classifying it as a
mental disorder and aberration, to the other of elevating it to the status of a
faux religion or divine truth. The reality can be found somewhere in the
mushy middle, where this lifestyle is simply a choice between consenting adults
on one of the most important aspects of
any
relationship dynamic.
We’re talking, of course, about the essential question:
who is really in
charge and what, exactly, does that mean?

Note the very specific wording. When we say “
really
”
in charge, we’re acknowledging a dirty little secret about human relationships
in general. Quite often – perhaps more often than we care to admit – the
person who
thinks
he or she is in charge,
really isn’t.
We
will discuss that and similar topics at length later in the book. Many of
these questions will open a large can of worms that, frankly, many people would
prefer to keep closed and tucked away somewhere cool and dark.

We will also be exploring in depth a question that I
consider to be the core issue that is at the heart of the Domination/submission
lifestyle. That question is: Is D/s
who you are
, or is it
something
that you do?
If you have not yet asked yourself that question, and
come up with an acceptable answer, you may be getting just a little ahead of
yourself in your quest for knowledge about the lifestyle. For the
purposes of this book, we will treat Domination/submission as a
mindset and
relationship dynamic
; certainly an important aspect of
who you are
.
As we explore further the mechanics of
what one does
in this lifestyle,
we will attempt to consistently refer to that as BDSM, or
Bondage Discipline
Sadism and Masochism.

Why should it be important to make the
distinction? Consider the fact that most people who are D/s at their core
do not want to spend the rest of their lives with someone who considers it a
Saturday night kink that can be discarded on a whim at some point in the
future. Imagine the horror of a submissive who wakes up one morning to
discover that the Dominant she depends upon and worships as Lord and Master has
suddenly decided it’s
his turn
to be the submissive. Unfortunately
such things can,
and do
, happen with annoying regularity in the
lifestyle.

I consider Domination/submission to be what happens
in your head and heart. It’s all about
how you love,
and how you express
that love. BDSM is more about what
physically
happens between you
and your partner or playmates. It’s
something you do.
Is
there often a certain degree of overlap? Of course there is, all the
time. In fact, for most people, the more overlap the better. But
there are also relationships where they can be completely separate, and some
people happen to
like
it that way. The stereotypical 1950’s
television sitcom marriage that portrayed the husband as king of his castle,
and his spouse as a stay-at-home submissive housewife who fretted about
“ring
around the collar”
is probably a good portrayal of how D/s can exist
without BDSM.

How do you know whether you’re dominant or
submissive at your core? The odds are actually pretty good that you are
neither
and, frankly, there’s
absolutely nothing wrong with that.
The
great majority of human beings that inhabit this planet comprise the 80% or
more who have an equitable mixture of
both
dominant and submissive
tendencies. Perhaps 10% have inherently dominant personalities, and
another 10% submissive personalities. One should always be careful about
assuming that a person’s career choices or relationship dynamics reflect or
define their core personality. Quite often, submissive people are thrust
into jobs and relationships that require them to function in a dominant
role. That’s not to say they find joy or fulfillment in it. Just
because someone may be
good
at being dominant doesn’t necessarily mean
they
have to like it.
The same sort of thing happens to dominant
people who are required to function as subordinates at work or in
relationships.

We’ll discuss various ways to help a person to
determine their core D/s personality type elsewhere in this book. As a
general rule of thumb, the mere fact that you may be uncertain and questioning
about your role probably places you in that not-so-rare category that I like to
call “
normal.”
Most people are perfectly comfortable assuming
either
role, depending on the needs and appropriateness of the given situation.
A hard-wired or
true
Dominant knows no other way to be, and is often
profoundly uncomfortable assuming the role of a submissive, under
any
circumstances. Similarly, a hard-wired or
true
submissive would
sooner cut off her right arm than have to take on a dominant role. If
neither of those reactions sounds very familiar to you, then you’re probably
like
most
people, meaning you fall somewhere
between
those two
extremes
.

If BDSM is a growing sexual fascination for you, or
simply an opportunity for you and your partner to try something new and
exciting, that’s perfectly okay. You can learn a
lot
from this
book, and adopting some BDSM interests and techniques can definitely be a
healthy and deliciously kinky way to spice up what otherwise might be a pretty
routine sex life. It is important, however, to know the difference
between a
kink
and a
lifestyle
, and to be honest about that with
your potential partners.

The Domination/submission lifestyle, like any other
lifestyle choice, can be a complex yet rewarding way to live if you and your
potential partner(s) are guided by similar values, follow familiar protocols,
and share the same vision. Conversely, your experience with the lifestyle
can end up being a train wreck if you fail to take inventory of your own
capacity to live in a D/s relationship, as well as your tolerance levels for
the great diversity of expression you’ll encounter from others in this
lifestyle.

A Domination/submission relationship can be as
comforting as a warm blanket or as frightening as an unexpected encounter with
a knife-wielding stranger in a dark alley. It can be uplifting and
empowering, or it can be abusive and dangerous. It can bring great joy
into your life, or tremendous sadness. Ultimately, it will be whatever
you and your partner make of it. If you fail, it won’t be because there
is something wrong with the lifestyle. It will be because you were
inadequately prepared to live it.

That is why you should fully understand
what
you’re getting into,
why
you’re doing it, and whether you are
suited
for it. It is only
after
those key questions have been answered,
that you should be at all concerned with whether or not you might be any
good
at it.

A final
caveat,
which I feel compelled to
make before you read much further, would be to explain my conscious decision to
dispense with the practice of footnoting all factoids and their sources.
I am a firm believer in the words of financial wizard Bernard Baruch, who once
quipped, "Every man has a right to his own opinion, but no man has a right
to be wrong in his facts." I have gone to great lengths to be as
meticulous as possible in researching and validating the facts, statistics and
data that I’ve cited in this book. I’ve also shared many of my personal
opinions and anecdotes, which I always attempt to identify as such. The
controversial topic and treatment of my
first
book, published in 2012
under a pseudonym, taught me an extremely valuable lesson. That book was
painstakingly researched, heavily footnoted, and meticulously researched from
the most credible and authoritative sources available. In the end, that
simply
didn’t matter
.

Readers who were predisposed to agree with my
world-view
ignored
the thirty-plus pages of footnotes. Conversely,
readers who held
differing
views from mine seemed all too willing and
eager to
automatically
dismiss any source of data that supported an
opposing point of view as being
non-credible
. Consequently, the
notes which were provided as an expression of my earnest desire to be
scrupulously accurate and transparent in my research became, instead, nothing
more than a distraction and liability.

The lesson I learned from that experience was
this: The measure of a book’s success isn’t found in its footnotes, it
can only be found in its
utility.
If you find the
information contained in the pages of this book to be
useful
to you,
then that is a
very good thing.
In that case, I would recommend
that you put that information to work at making your relationships more
fulfilling, and your life better. I would also ask you to recommend or
give the book to your friends and relatives who might derive some benefit from
it.

If, on the other hand, you don’t much like the facts
and statistics that I’ve presented in this book, or if you strongly disagree
with my admittedly unique lifestyle perspective,
that’s
perfectly okay
too.

You are certainly entitled to your own
opinions
, if not your own set of
facts
.
I would encourage you, if you’re any good at articulating your thoughts and are
ready to write a best-selling book, to
give me a call.
Maybe I can
help you out.

The bottom line is I hope you will enjoy reading
this book as much as I enjoyed writing it, and that you will feel that the
price you paid for it was money well-spent.

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