Don't Kiss Girls and Other Silly Stories (15 page)

He smirks. ‘I don't know what you're talking about, Rossy.'

‘All right, sit down, everybody,' Mrs Randall says.

There's no pizza left, except for the toppings I spilt on the floor.

‘C
lose your eyes, please,'
says Mrs Randall, ‘and try
to picture the word images as
I read them.' I peek at Kane.
He's peeking at the girl sitting next to him.
I think her name is Astroid or something. Besides
Brains, she's the smartest kid in Year Eight, but
apart from that turn-off, she
is
p
retty hot – even if she does wear glasses.

The librarian clears her throat and begins:

‘Shall I compare thee
to a summer's day?

Thou art more lovely
and more temperate:

Rough winds do shake the darling buds
of May,

And summer's lease hath all too short a
date:'

I look at Kane again and now he's got his elbow on the built-in desk and his chin resting in his hand. This means his head is so close to Astroid's shoulder he's nearly touching her.

By the time I get back to listening to the poem, it's almost over.

‘So long as men can
breathe or eyes can see,

So long lives this, and this
gives life to thee.'

Mrs Randall stops and closes the book. ‘Who can tell me the author?'

Brains goes, ‘Pfft. Too easy. Shakespeare.'

Shake Spear, hey? He sounds like one scary dude, although not as bad as his brother, Chuck. Chuck Spear.

‘That's right, Kevin,' says the librarian. ‘Can anyone tell me what's so amazing about his writing?'

‘The use of metaphor is exceptional,' says Astroid.

‘I totally agree,' Kane pipes up. ‘It's very metaphorical.'

Astroid looks at Kane and he gives her a wink. She turns away.

The librarian nods. ‘Good work, Astrid and Kane.'

Astrid, huh? Missed it by one letter.

‘Anyone else?'

Ashleigh raises her hand. ‘It's kinda cool how he's making this lady, like, stay beautiful forever, just by writing about her. I love it.'

‘Very well spoken, Ashleigh,' says the librarian.

‘Anyone else?'

Brains says some more stuff but I don't listen. I'm too busy looking out the window. A group of
Year Seven boys are playing human pinball, running into each other and bouncing off. It looks like fun.

Analysing poetry at lunchtime isn't.

For a few seconds I get depressed, until a great idea bounces into my brain. I think I know how I can get out of these meetings forever, and out of my relationship with Ashleigh without Devo beating the guts out of me.

‘Any last comments before we finish?' says Mrs Randall.

‘Yeah, I got a few,' I say.

‘Good. Go ahead, Tony.'

‘Well, I can describe that poem in two words.' I pause to build up the tension. ‘Total crapola.'

A buzz goes through the group. Ashleigh swivels her head to look at me.

I keep going. ‘Like, he goes on about a summer's day and then the next minute he's talking about May, just so it rhymes. Any fool knows summer's not in May, it's in January!'

Brains cuts in. ‘He lives in England, Rossy. Their seasons are the opposite of ours.'

‘Oh. Well, he should say that then.' I raise my finger to let everybody know I'm not finished. ‘Also, the bloke kept going on about “thou” and “thee”. It's like he doesn't even know English properly.'

Brains laughs. ‘What are you talking about, Rossy? Shakespeare practically invented English.'

‘I don't think so, Brains. Then his last name wouldn't be Spear, would it? It'd be English.'

Now a lot of people laugh. Kane says, ‘Hey, Rossy. Can you give me some poetry lessons before the comp? I need to learn some gooder English.'

The group cracks up. Before I can beat Kane with a comeback line, the bell rings.

‘All right, everyone. We don't want to be late for class,' says Mrs Randall. ‘See you all next week.'

As we file out, Ashleigh whispers in my ear, ‘We need to talk.'

She doesn't sound happy, which makes
me
happy.
Taking my arm, she leads
me over to the non-fiction section.
I can never remember if non-
fiction means truth or lies.

Her jaw is tense and she looks squarely at me. ‘What were you thinking in there?' she asks.

What I'm thinking now is how cute she looks when she's mad, but I can't tell her that. I need to stay focused. ‘Just … stating my view.'

She shakes her head. ‘When you disagreed with me like that it made me feel …' She stops, searching for the right word. ‘I'll have to show you. Close your eyes.'

I do, tensing my cheeks. My face cheeks, that is.

It seems to take forever. Waiting to get hit is the worst part. Whenever Mum takes down the wooden spoon I try to say something rude so she'll whack me straightaway.

Finally, it comes – pushing hard against my mouth. It's wet and squishy.

Hang on, I'm not being slapped. I'm being kissed!

After a few seconds, Ashleigh pulls away. ‘I'm so glad you're strong enough to have your own opinions. That makes me like you even more.'

Darn!

She leans in and gives me another kiss. This time it's longer and more intense. I can taste her spit.

Hot darn! I never want to break up with her again. Ever.

The kiss finishes and we walk to class, my head still spinning.

‘But Tony,' she says, ‘don't ever disagree with me again. Once is hot, two is not. Understand?'

You bet I do. I'll never disagree with another thing she says. I'm sure of it.

The Wrong Environment

It's Saturday arvo and Ash and I are babysitting the O'Connors' kid while Mr and Mrs visit an art gallery. If I were them I woulda gone to the footy, but I suppose someone has to pretend they like art.

The kid is having a nap and we're on the couch watching a French movie. I can't be bothered reading the bottom of the screen so I don't know what's going on, but every now and then it becomes interesting when someone takes off their clothes.

Things get even more interesting when Ash rests her head on my shoulder. I can't help myself. I reach down and kiss her hair. It tastes like shampoo.

She tilts her head and gives me a smile and pretty soon we're trying to suck each other's faces off. It's fun.

If there's one thing Ash and I have in common, it's kissing. When we're joined at the lip it doesn't matter that I love death metal, monster trucks and hamburgers, and she loves crappy folk pop, boring foreign movies and tofu salad. Our differences get swallowed up like the spit we swap.

But we haven't even had time to swap spit when she yanks her head away.

Uh-oh. I hope it's not the tuna and banana sandwich I had for lunch.

‘Tony, I've got it!' she says.

‘Got what?'

‘I know exactly how
I can win the poetry competition!'

What? How could she think about poetry while she's kissing me? I think about good stuff like Xtreme air-racing.

She continues. ‘The theme is “denial”, right?'

‘Right.' I don't even know what ‘denial' means but I'm not going to tell her that.

‘Well, what I'm going to do is deny myself all pleasure for the next month and then write about what it feels like.'

‘Okay. Cool bananas,' I say.

I wait a second, then I lean in with my mouth semi-open.

She slaps my cheek.

‘Ow!'

‘Didn't you listen to a word I said?'
Ash says. ‘Denial. That means no chocolate, no Facebook
and no kissing.'

I don't think I heard right. ‘But
we
can still kiss, can't we?' I edge closer.

She slaps me again. ‘No! I need to feel my insides ache with desire. It's the only way I'll be able to write a great poem.'

Why would anyone give up something they like? Talk about stupid. I'm about to tell her this, then I hesitate. Ash slaps hard, dude.

‘Besides,' she adds, ‘it will be good for our relationship. It'll show whether or not we have more than just a physical connection.'

I already know the answer to that one.

‘Come on, Ash,' I say
. ‘Don't you think you're taking this poetry
thing a bit too far? Why don't you just
imagine
what it's like not to kiss me and write about that?'

She gives me a glare. At least it's better than a slap. ‘It's not the same, Tony. I have to make a real sacrifice for my art. It's the only way.'

‘But you're not doing art. You're doing poetry.'

I get slapped a third time.

‘Hey! That hurts, Ash!'

‘Well, shut up, then. I need your support in this decision, Tone. It's not easy for me either, you know.'

If
it's not easy, don't do it,
I feel like saying. But instead I take her advice and
zip up my lips. We turn back to the
TV. The two movie stars say some stuff
, look into each other's eyes, and then give each other
mouth-to-mouth,
their tongues wriggling like snakes.

It's going to be a long afternoon.

*

I don't even get a goodbye kiss. Just a hug. Talk about a rip-off.

By the time I get home I'm as frustrated as a dwarf playing basketball, so I go to my little bro's room to let off some steam. I'm planning on starting a fight so I bring a pillow.

But when I fling open the door, my jaw almost hits the ground. My brother is lying on his bedroom floor beside a girl. And not just any girl.

Lacey looks up at me. ‘Oh. Hi, Rossy. How was your date?'

I don't answer.

‘I think it's going okay but I'll tell you for sure later,' Simon pipes up, and the two of them laugh.

‘I was talking about big Rossy.' She jerks her thumb at me. ‘Not little Rossy.'

‘You obviously aren't referring to our brain sizes,' says Simon.

I squeeze my pillow. If Lacey wasn't here he'd be dead.

Lacey giggles. ‘Your brother is sooo funny,' she says to me. ‘Just like you.'

‘What are you doing here?' I ask Lacey.

She points to a pile of books on the floor.

‘We've got this big English project, and Simon and I are partners.'

I let out a throatful of air. So that explains it. For a moment I thought … No. Of course not. My little bro still plays with Barbie dolls.

‘I'll leave you two study buddies alone,' I say.

Lacey gives me a wink. ‘See ya later, Rossy.'

‘Where am I going?' asks Simon.

I back out of the room to the sound of laughter. I didn't know studying could be so much fun.

I'm lying on my bed with a comic book over my head – dreaming about being a super-villain about to achieve girl domination – when a knock on the door knocks me into reality.

I get my pillow ready in case it's Simon. The door opens a crack.

‘Okay if I come in?' asks Lacey.

I pretend to think for a second. ‘Sure.'

She closes the door behind her and glides in like a fairy. A hot fairy. My heart starts thumpity-thumping and my blood starts pumpity-pumping.

‘You didn't answer me before,' she says.

‘About what?'

‘About how your date went.'

‘Oh.' I casually put the comic book on the floor, covering a pair of undies. ‘Well, not the best, actually. You know …'

I shake my head like I've said too much.

‘What?'

I look away, trying to work the moment. ‘Well, me and Ash … We're sorta having problems right now. To tell you the truth, I don't know how much longer we'll be together.' I give a couple of short, sharp sniffs.

She sits on my bed. ‘Really? What's going on?'

‘Well. Relationships are tricky, Lace. I s'pose Ash and me, we've just got … different interests.'

‘Is that why you want to break up? 'Cause you're different?'

She's fishing for something
and it's time I threw her
a line. ‘No, there's something
else. But you have to promis
e you won't tell anyone. Not
even Kane.'

She wriggles closer and her foot
touches my foot. I don't pull away.

‘I swear on my favourite Bratz doll,' she says.

I didn't really need to hear that. Still, I keep going, speaking low. ‘Well, I think I like someone else.'

Her eyes grow big. ‘Really? Who?'

I pause for a bit,
teasing her. ‘I can't tell you that. Sorry.'

‘Does this girl like you too?'

‘Hmmm. I'm not positive but … I hope so.'

Our eyes meet and a bolt of electricity jumps between us. We hold the stare for a second longer than we should.

She looks away. ‘Why don't you break up with Ashleigh and ask the other girl out? I'm sure she'll say yes.'

Yes! This is the information I've been hoping for. But, unfortunately, breaking up with Ash is not that simple.

‘I would,' I say, ‘but it's not that simple.'

She nods her head and looks into my eyes again. The electricity bolt sparks at an even higher voltage.

I get an idea. Why not have my cake and eat another one too?

Slowly but surely I move in for the kill and she doesn't pull away. It looks like I
am
going to get kissed again. Cool!

My lips are only a few centimetres from her face when Lacey puts her hand on my chest, stopping me. ‘You know I'd never kiss someone who wasn't my boyfriend, don't you?'

‘Of course. I was just getting an eyelash off your cheek.' I pinch the skin under her eye and pretend to flick something on to the floor.

Darn!

She stays close to my face, teasing me. ‘If a boy I like wants to kiss me, he needs to become single first and then ask me out. That's not complicated. It's simple.'

Her lips are big and soft and I'd love
to hook them between mine and not let go. ‘It'll
happen,' I say. ‘Trust me.'

She puckers her lips and kisses the air slowly, only a spaghetti strand away from my mouth. It's like getting a look at paradise but not being allowed in.

*

It's lunchtime
and I'm definitely not in paradise. I'm in the librar
y. Ash has dragged me to the enviro group,
known around school as The Boogers. I didn't understand that nickname until Ash explained it to me
–
they're both green.

Surprise, surprise, most of the members are the same reading and writing nerds. Kane's here, too, sitting next to Astroid. He's working it big time.

There's a different teacher in charge, though. Mr Massingham lives in the mountains in a house he built himself, he wears tie-dye T-shirts to school, and his favourite expression is ‘Righteous, dude!' In other words, he's a trippy hippie.

‘Righteous, dude! This is a most excellent turnout,' Mr Massingham says, shaking his head like he can't believe it. ‘I've been waiting a long time for environmental issues to become cool and it looks like that day has finally come.'

I
could tell him that Kane's only here to
pick up chicks, I'm here so I don't
get beaten up, and the others are here because
they suck at handball. But I don't. Although Mr
Massingham's a pretty good bloke,
he can be tough as nails. I heard he's been arrested about 50 times.

‘Okay, dudes and dudettes. How about we get this meeting underway. Any ideas for what we should do today?'

Unlike most teachers, Mr Massingham believes in sharing the power, even at school. Talk about weird. Last year he taught us science and we spent the first week making class rules. My suggestion – we must blow up at least one thing every lesson – only just missed out.

‘I think we should all discuss global warming,' Astroid says in a loud voice. ‘It's the most important and dangerous issue of today and governments are doing jack-all about it.'

‘Hmmm.' Mr Mass nods his head slowly. ‘I like your passion. Reminds me of how I was in the seventies. Anyone want to respond?'

‘I totally agree with Astrid,' says Kane. He gives his best cheesy grin. ‘Global warming is the number one bad guy and good people like us need to shoot it down.' Kane points his finger in the air and goes, ‘Bang!' Then he looks at Astrid and blows some imaginary smoke away from his finger-gun.

She looks away.

I snigger.

‘Do you have an opinion, Tony?' says Mr Mass.

‘Yeah, I do.' Ashleigh gives me a warning look but I'm not taking it. Here's my chance to escape into the global warming arms of Lacey.

‘What is it, dude?'

‘Well, I don't see what's so bad about the world getting a little hotter, ay? Like, for one, everyone will have a better suntan.'

Kane chuckles.

Astrid shoots him a nasty glare. ‘How can you laugh at that? It's that sort of uninformed opinion that has got the world into the dire predicament it's in today!'

Kane swallows his smile and tries to suck up. ‘That's why I was laughing. Because Rossy is so uninformed.'

‘Okay, dudes, let's settle down,' says Mr Mass. ‘Nothing is wrong with someone trying to lighten things up. When I was chained to a bulldozer for 36 hours I was glad that a funny guy was chained next to me. It made the time pass quicker.'

Why would someone chain themself to a bulldozer? A monster truck, maybe. But a bulldozer?

The room's still buzzing so Mr Mass raises his hand for quiet. ‘Why don't we look at what we can do right here in our school? A good friend of mine once said, “Think global, act local.” '

There's silence until Ashleigh speaks up. ‘What about we do something to stop littering? So many kids in this school throw rubbish on the ground and it's
so
disgusting. I hate people who litter.'

‘Great idea,' says Mr Mass. ‘We can come up with a campaign—'

He's interrupted by the bell. That's the trouble with sharing the power. Not much stuff gets done.

‘—next week,' he finishes. ‘Thanks to everyone for a lively discussion.'

When we get outside I get a great idea. In my hand is an empty Breaka bottle. With the right move my relationship with Ashleigh could be over before I can burp out the last of the chocolate bubbles.

We'r
e walking past a group of younger kids –
wannabe tough boys and giggling girls – when I decide to go for it. However, I have to make sure my girlfriend sees me in action.

‘Hey, Ash,' I say. ‘What have you got now?'

She looks at me like I'm stupid. ‘SOSE, of course. We're in the same class, remember?'

‘Oh, yeah.' I casually toss the bottle into a bush. ‘Do you know if we had any homework?'

She stops dead. ‘What did you just do?'

I play dumb. ‘Ummm … asked if we had any SOSE homework.'

‘No. Not that. What did you just do with
that bottle?'

I hold out my empty hands. ‘What bottle?'

Her left eye starts to twitch, which only happens when she's really annoyed.