Don't Read in the Closet: Volume Four (141 page)

“Mmmmm.” The way Jurgen always managed to sound like his

chopper was so quirkily sexy it wasn’t fair. Nik slid fingers into the

hair at Jurgen’s nape, holding him still so he could kiss him the way he

really wanted. Jurgen was looking down at him with a very serious

expression when Nik pulled away. “You’ve never kissed me like that,

Nikky.”
Shit
.

Nik found he had nothing to say. He just looked at Jurgen,

watching his eyes and then his lips as Jurgen leaned down to kiss Nik

again. Nik’s heart levitated itself right up his throat, straining for

Jurgen. Stupid, hopeful thing.

Jurgen dropped his bag, still kissing Nik, sliding his hands down

Nik’s back. He palmed Nik’s ass, then jerked up hard, lifting him to

wrap his legs around Jurgen’s hips. Lurching a little, Jurgen carried

Nik to the couch. He broke the kiss long enough to say, “Bedroom’s

too far.” Then he tumbled Nik over the back, chasing him down.

****

Nik had promised a friend he’d show up at a party that night. He

planned to blow it off since Jurgen had come up. Stupidly, he

mentioned it to Jurgen. Then, even more stupidly, he said, “Or you

could just hang out here. I have an extra set of keys.”

Jurgen looked at him, turning from where he’d been contemplating

something over Nik’s shoulder. Or maybe he’d just been in a post-

coital haze. Nik still was. It would explain the logorrhea. “Did you

make them for me?”

Nik couldn’t read anything in Jurgen’s expression. As usual. “I just

thought it would be good to have an extra set. You know. Out of town

guests…”

“Well, you better make another set, because I’m taking this set.”

Oh.
Nik’s heart started a little dance. A samba, if he wasn’t

mistaken.

“So, let’s go. I wanna know what your friends are like.”

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“You already know Sam. He’s representative. Sort of.”

“I’d barely recognize Sam if I passed him on the street. Let’s go.”

At the party, Nik couldn’t help feeling a whole lot of smug. He so

obviously had the sexiest boyfriend in the room.

Um, friend-with-benefits. He had the sexiest FWB in the room.

Men were literally standing in corners fanning themselves and

gawking as Jurgen walked by. Well, a couple of men and one woman,

but still.

“Honey,” Nik’s host was saying in his ear, “That is the yummiest

hunka hunka burnin’ love I’ve ever seen outside of an eight by ten

glossy.”

Nik smirked, but tried to be modest. “Yeah. He thinks I’m the

shit.” He looked over at Jurgen. Surprisingly—at least in Nik’s

mind—Jurgen was talking to Sam. Weird. Sam was actually taller

than Jurgen. About twenty pounds lighter, but an inch or two taller.

For just a second, Nik got jealous. Then he shook it off. Sam

would never fuck around with Nik’s… fuck-buddy. Nik’s silly little

heart seemed to think Jurgen wouldn’t, either.

Still, he went over to join them. Just to make sure the conversation

was going well. Small-talk wasn’t really one of Jurgen’s strengths.

He never found out how it was going. As soon as Nik showed up,

Jurgen excused himself. “Hey, Nik. I see someone over there I know.

I’m going to go say hi.” Then he walked off.

Nik stared after him. There were a lot of people, but Jurgen wasn’t

that hard to track across the room. You just had to watch the turning

heads. Nik was suddenly uncomfortably aware of Sam staring holes

into his skull.

He turned to look at him sheepishly. Sam was nowhere near

grinning. If anything he looked… grave. It was disconcerting. Nik’s

heart lodged in his throat. Stupid thing was all fucked up, lately.

“What were you talking about?”

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Sam shook his head. “Nothing, just his job, my school. He didn’t

know I was in the graduate program, also.”

“Then why are you looking at me like that?”

“Because of how you were looking at him.” Nik swallowed. Sam

leaned in closer. “Are you in over your head?”

Now Nik shook his head, staring at Sam. “I don’t know.”

“Let’s find a place to talk.”

They found a mostly empty balcony looking out over the city

lights. The couple mauling each other on the opposite end wasn’t

likely to bug them much, especially if they kept their voices low.

“What’s going on?” Sam still looked grave.

“I don’t know.” Nik was pretty sure he was going to have to cough

up more than that. “It’s just, it’s complicated.”

“Uh-huh.” Sam raised a brow. In a supportive, best friend kind of

way.

Nik sighed and dropped his voice even lower. “It’s the, um, games

we play, I think.”

Sam began to look a little bit alarmed. “Nik, if he’s doing

something you don’t want—”

“No, it’s not that.” Nik waved Sam off. “It’s just, you know, I have

to kind of trust him for that. And I do. But….” He shrugged

uncomfortably.

“You don’t trust easily.” Sam nodded, as if it all suddenly made

sense.

“I don’t?”

“No. You don’t. But now you’ve met this man that you trust

intuitively, and it makes you uncomfortable.”

“Are you sure? I think you might be—”

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“Even worse, for you, you’re afraid you might feel more than just

trust, here. You might like him. You might even have more serious

feelings of
caring
for him. Maybe even
love
.” Sam got a dreamy look

in his eyes.

“Sam—”

“It’s completely freaking you out. You had those early experiences

in your teens with men who weren’t trustworthy. Even before that,

when you were just one baby among hundreds in the orphanage, you

learned you could really only rely on yourself. It was etched into your

very psyche.”

“I was in a foster home,” Nik managed to fit in.

“It’s not your skin color, Nik. It’s your inability to believe in

someone. Now, finally, you’ve met someone who’s going to challenge

you, make you confront your deeper trust issues and fears, and help

you heal.”

“Have you been watching Disney movies again?”

“Nik, this is an amazing opportunity!” Sam was so excited he

grabbed Nik’s arms and nearly shouted in his face. “You have the

chance to really affect change in your life. Not everyone gets that, you

know. Through this one man, you’re going to work through your inner

demons and come out a stronger, more caring person, with a deeper

understanding of yourself and the people around you!”

Nik put his hands on Sam’s shoulders, looking into his eyes,

making sure he had his full attention. “Sam. I’ve got news for you. Not

every childhood trauma can be healed by finding the right penis.”

Sam looked devastated. He opened and closed his mouth, eyes

wide, then suddenly slumped back against the railing, unable to

support himself anymore. “You mean,” his voice was barely a

whisper. “All those romance novels lied?”

“You’re joking, right?” Nik was pretty sure Sam was just being a

freak. “Right?” Sam nodded and smiled weakly. Hmmmm. “Should I

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get you some water?” Nik wasn’t sure whether to be concerned or

freaked out himself. Somehow, he’d missed this side of Sam before.

“No, no. I’ll be fine in a minute.” Sam’s voice was weak.

“Maybe we should go inside.” It took some work, but Nik got Sam

back into the party, and headed toward some food. He was watching

him make his way across the room when someone said his name. He

turned to his left to look.

It was Dave Blaylock. Jurgen’s… friend. “Dave.” He was pretty

sure his voice was as weak as Sam’s had just been.

Dave smiled at him. He had black hair and blue eyes, was built

like a bear-god and he probably had an inch on Jurgen. He was,

maybe, the only guy in the room who could give Jurgen a run for his

money in the looks department. “Jurgen said you were here, too.”

Dave gave him a quick, appraising once-over as he said it.

I see someone over there I know.
“Oh, did he?” Nik looked at

Dave blankly. He hoped it was blank.

“Yeah.” Dave leaned in a little. “He said you guys came together.”

His voice was quiet. Like he didn’t want anyone to overhear.

Nik looked around at the crowd of mostly, vastly, gay men.

“Dave, I think if you’re at this party, pretty much everyone knows

you’re gay.” Was he sounding snappish? He was feeling a little

snappish.

Dave flushed a little. “Sorry. Habit. So, uh, how long you and

Jurgen been seeing each other? He’s never said a word. Kinda weird,

since you know, he and I, uh…” Dave made a weird, spinning sort of

hand gesture that Nik was at a complete loss to interpret.

If, say, he’d actually cared to.

Then Dave winked at him. Nik kept his hands from flying to his

hips by sheer force of will. “Oh, we’re not really seeing each other. I

don’t think we’ll see much more of each other in the future, either.”

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Dave looked confused. “Really? Cause he went off to find you

like—”

“Hey, Nikky.” Jurgen. On his right. Settling a hand on his back.

Another one of those weird shifts in reality. This one just left him

seasick. Or heartsick. He was such a fucking fool, he couldn’t believe

it. He’d almost let himself
trust
Jurgen.

Nik turned his head and gave Jurgen a gentle smile. “Don’t call me

that.” He stepped aside to dislodge the hand. He was
so
beyond caring

that he was over-reacting. He was pissed, and he was going to do it

up, big.

Not even the endearingly befuddled look on Jurgen’s face was

going to stop him.

Never said anything
? Had the bastard still been hooking up with

Dave? They’d gotten
tested
. He’d just assumed, but he’d never asked.

Nik never should have let his heart have any say, here.

“Nikky?”

Nik smiled brighter in Jurgen’s face. He could see Sam over

Jurgen’s shoulder, looking at them questioningly. “Excuse me,

Jurgen,” he said very, very politely. “Sam isn’t feeling well. I think I

need to take him home.” He shoved past the big asshole, smiling

charmingly the whole time.

“Nik, I drove you here.” He heard Jurgen say as he walked off. He

didn’t look back. He was making a bee-line for Sam, and Sam—most

excellent friend—was walking toward him looking concerned.

“I need to leave
right now
,” he said as soon as Sam was in hissing

distance. Sam’s head jerked back in surprise, and he looked over Nik’s

shoulder. “Is he headed this way?” Nik hissed.

“Uh, yeah. And another guy. Wow, that guy is—”

“Sam! Focus! I need. To. Leave.
Now
.”

Sam’s head whipped back to Nik. He looked like he wanted to

argue, but he just said, “Okay.”

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****

“Nik, c’mon,” Sam was practically whining as he followed Nik

into his apartment. For his part, Nik was shivering. He’d left his coat

at the party. It seemed a small price to pay for a speedy exit. “Maybe

he didn’t even run into that guy since he started seeing you.”

“They’re both cops in the same county. How could he not have

seen him?” Nik grabbed the afghan his grandmother had crocheted for

him and wrapped himself up in it. He stood in the middle of the living

room, trying to decide where to sit. He’d normally sit on the couch,

but—God, it probably still smelled like Jurgen. Not to mention half

the cushions were still on the floor from… earlier.

Sam walked over and picked up a cushion. Nik grabbed it out of

his hand before he could put it back on the couch and dropped it on

the floor, glaring at Sam. Sam raised his eyebrows and put both his

hands up, palms out. He backed cautiously into another chair.

“Didn’t you say that Dave guy is in the closet? I don’t think telling

him at work would be a good idea, and I doubt Jurgen would think