Doomed Queens (12 page)

         b. She did not believe in premarital sex.

         c. She had a good divorce lawyer who got her great alimony.

         d. Survival, baby.

4. Cleopatra and her sisters Berenice and Arsinoe:

         a. Were one big happy family.

         b. Wore the same crown size.

         c. Plotted against one other to grab the throne of Egypt.

         d. Were caught in flagrante delicto with Marc Antony.

5. Why was Empress Wang doomed?

         a. She liked to play with matches.

         b. Her father valued personal ambition over paternal affection.

         c. She valued personal integrity over physical survival.

         d. She didn’t know her first name.

The snake, friend of Dionysus

ANSWER KEY

1, b: While there’s a soupçon of truth in answers a and d, b takes the cake. 2, c: She bumped off Philip’s other wife and offspring to minimize Alexander’s competition. Angelina played her with a Transylvanian accent and lots of snake action. 3, d. 4, c: Only Cleopatra survived to wear the crown. 5, b: While c is also a consideration, the reality is that her father’s ambitions shoved her into that tight spot.

CHAPTER TWO

Dancing in the Dark Ages

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES

It is a pity that we so often succeed in our endeavors to deceive each other.

Empress Irene

C
leopatra’s choice of death by asp was a media-worthy finale to her notorious reign. It inspired historians to disseminate her story throughout the Western world—an early example of celebrity journalism at its finest—and revved the next generation of queens into action. These women learned from Cleopatra’s cautionary saga for better and for worse. Determined to take their fate into their own hands, they were rough, tough, and savvy. Plus they were willing to tango with armies.

The era of the warrior queen spanned the late classical period through the Dark Ages, or early medieval period. One warrior queen conscious of the Cleopatra Effect was Zenobia, who ruled the Palmyrene Empire in the third century. This luscious, clever beauty—descriptions of Zenobia make her sound like a Nigella Lawson generously spiced with cojones—claimed the Egyptian queen as a distant relation through her mother. Unlike Cleopatra, Zenobia survived to tell the tale after waging war. Alas, this was not to be the case for Boudicca, who lived two centuries before Zenobia, and Brunhilde, who lived five centuries after Boudicca. Both Boudicca and Brunhilde were tenacious, charismatic regents. Both also became involved in grudge wars that ultimately led to their destruction.

Dying in battle was bad enough. But by the early sixth century of the Dark Ages, the new-and-not-so-female-friendly Salic law was implemented to complicate the lives of queens throughout Europe. Though it would take some time for the full ramifications of these laws to flower, Salic law was often interpreted to mean that royal women could not inherit property or the right to rule. As such, it would influence dynastic I dos for centuries to come, generating some very unhappy marriages for the sake of preserving power and wealth. Salic law would hang around European courts in various forms until the gilded age of Queen Victoria.

60

ore than a thousand years before William Wallace led his blue-painted troops into battle, another warrior made a stand for freedom on Albion’s bright shores—a queen named Boudicca. The tale of Boudicca’s rise and fall is the stuff from which legends and high-profile films are made. Mel Gibson even optioned her story, inspiring
Variety
magazine to dub his film in development “Braveheart with a bra.”

Little is known of Queen Boudicca before she donned armor. Born of royal blood around 30 CE, she was married to Prasutagus, the king of the Iceni tribe of Celtic Britain; the Iceni territories were located in what is now East Anglia. The historian Dio Cassius described the queen in almost superhuman terms. He wrote that she possessed the powerful frame of an Amazon and a mane of fiery-red hair. As for Boudicca’s husband, Prasutagus was wealthy and pragmatic. He ruled by kissing up to the Romans in a we’ll-scratch-your-back-if-you’ll-scratch-ours arrangement; at that time, Britain was overrun by Romans who made life difficult for those who didn’t render unto Caesar as demanded.

Everyone got along and even sang a chorus or two of “Kumbaya.” However, this peaceful stasis came to a halt when the king died in 60 CE.

At the time of Prasutagus’s passing, the couple had two daughters, whose names have been lost to history. The king’s will stated that his estate was to be divided in three, between his two daughters and the Roman empire; Boudicca was to act as regent on the princesses’ behalf. By doing so, Prasutagus hoped that the Romans would be satisfied with their share and leave his girls alone. But the Romans got greedy and grabbed it all.

Boudicca did not take the theft lying down. The formidable queen hustled to the Roman authorities and gave them a piece of her mind. In response, she was flogged and her two daughters raped, stealing their precious virginity. And that was just the
amuse-bouche
: The Romans next claimed the rest of the Iceni lands for themselves.

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES

It is not as a woman descended from noble ancestry, but as one of the people that I am avenging lost freedom, my scourged body, the outraged chastity of my daughters…. This is a woman’s resolve. As for men, they may live and be slaves.

Boudicca

But Boudicca refused to drown in a puddle of tears. Instead, she grabbed a sword, gathered an army of one hundred thousand soldiers, and went off to kick some serious Roman ass.

Boudicca first attacked Colchester, a Roman colony known back then as Camulodunum. Her forces systematically leveled the city. Years later, archaeologists dated the queen’s visit from a layer of red ash. Next up was Londinium, or London. This time, Boudicca’s fury extended to the Roman matrons, who were impaled naked on long stakes. Verulamium, modern-day Saint Albans, met a similar fate. Dio Cassius later wrote, “All this ruin was brought upon the Romans by a woman, a fact which in itself caused them the greatest shame.”

But the apocalyptic destruction of three cities wasn’t enough to slake Boudicca’s anger. The queen pushed her luck one last time to wage war in a location probably in the West Midlands. This time, the Roman army got smart. Using a wedge formation, they cornered Boudicca’s forces. It is believed that the queen perished here, possibly by her own hand, along with eighty thousand of her troops.