“Baby, Baby! The way you’re growing, you’re going to be big enough for school when you get here. But I want you to be big and healthy . . . like your daddy.”
As if in response, a small movement fluttered against her hand. She caught her breath. This wondrous thing was happening, and she had no one to
share it with—no one to laugh because she waddled like a duck, or to rub her aching back, or to look forward to the day her son arrived.
Nelda looked down at her altered shape. She had wished for happier circumstances to surround the baby’s arrival into the world; but, whatever happened, she wanted this baby too much to care. Only today Dr. Wilkins had said these months of her pregnancy should be carefree. Carefree? What in the world was that?
She was standing in front of the mirror when the phone rang. Her eyes darted to the instrument on the table beside the bed. It rang again before she moved, and that was to pick up her nightgown and slip it over her head, as if standing naked while the phone was ringing was somehow indecent.
Would Lute be calling this late on a Saturday night? It could be Norris or Marlene, and if she didn’t answer, they would be worried. They might even make a trip back over to her building. If it was Lute, she didn’t have to talk to him—she could hang up. After this momentary deliberation she reached for the phone.
“Hello?”
“Nelda, I’ve been calling all evening. I was afraid something had happened to you.”
Lute. She didn’t answer, couldn’t answer.
“Don’t hang up. Nelda . . . please—” His voice rasped strangely.
“What do you want? If it’s something about the farm, call Earl Hutchinson.” Her voice was more controlled than she expected it to be.
“It’s not about the farm. I wanted to see how you’re doing.”
“It’s good of you to be concerned, but—”
“Nelda, don’t hang up!”
“We’ve nothing to talk about.” She wrenched out the lie, forcing herself to remember her resolution to break the tie.
“I wish you didn’t feel that way.” There was a sadness in his voice.
“Why now, Lute?” she questioned, trying to sound annoyed, while her heart cried,
Why now, Lute, when I’m trying so hard to stay out of your life?
“There will always be an emotional link between us. We had Becky. Remember?”
“I haven’t forgotten my child,” she said angrily.
“I didn’t mean that.”
“Then what did you mean? We had plenty of opportunity to talk when I was at the farm. The only times you called me then was to chew me out about something. What have I done wrong now?” she demanded.
“You did nothing wrong, and I did everything wrong. I loused up. My only defense is that it was a shock to see you, have you so near. I had my life in order, and had convinced myself that you would not be a part of it.” His voice sounded haunted, tired, old.
“What do you want to talk about, Lute? I’m tired and want to go to bed.” She sank down on the side of the bed.
Hang up, you crazy fool. You’re asking for another sleepless night.
He hesitated. “Are you seeing a lot of Smithfield?”
A short explosion of breath escaped her lips. She wanted to slam the phone onto the hook in self-righteous outrage, but caught herself. After all, wouldn’t it be easier if he thought that? Maybe then he’d stop torturing her with his confusing concern.
“Of course. I like sex. I sleep with a different man every night. Even you couldn’t resist a mare in heat. Remember? Let’s see . . . I’ve got you in Iowa, several men here in Minnesota, a couple in Chicago, one in Florida.” She sniffed tears, ending with a sob. “What else do you want to know?”
“Nothing, sweetheart. I’m sorry I asked. But, dammit, it’s been tearing me apart. Let me come see you.”
“No. It’s too late. I’m not the kind of woman you want. And I don’t want it thrown up to me exactly how useless I am. I’d be no good trying to cook for a bunch of threshers or make apple butter or can dill pickles.”
“Farmers’ wives don’t cook for threshers anymore. I do my own threshing, and if I have extra men to feed, I take them to town.”
“Why are you telling me this? I have my career, just as you have yours, and they are miles apart.”
“They don’t have to be. Let me come see you. Just listen to me for a minute. Eight years is a long time. I thought I was over you, but there wasn’t a time when I couldn’t picture your face in my mind. Then you came back more beautiful than ever,
sweeter to hold, a highly intelligent woman with a successful career to boot.”
“I had to make my own living.”
“I understand that. But how could an Iowa farmer hope to compete for a sophisticated woman like you?” His voice grew husky.
“I never thought I’d hear you putting yourself down.”
“I’m not. I’m being realistic. After I lost you and, later, Becky, I made up my mind I’d never marry again, or have another child. It hurts too much to lose someone you love. When I met you at the cemetery, I guess I did resent your power to make me mindless when I was with you.”
“If that’s how you feel, why are you calling me?”
“Because I can’t help myself, dammit! You’re beautiful, intelligent, incredibly sexy—”
Incredibly sexy
. That was all she meant to him. She didn’t have to pretend anger and hurt anymore. A tight pain was squeezing her chest.
“If you’re looking for a regular bed partner, Lute, I’m sure Miss Home Ec will oblige you. I’m not available!” she shouted wildly, and slammed the phone down, only to pick it up again when the connection was broken and let it lie on the table.
What a complete fool she was. She had dared to hope he was going to say he loved her. But he only wanted to go to bed with her. She flung herself down on the bed, struggling to swallow the wave of sickness that rose in her.
• • •
It had been a week since Lute’s call and she could still hear the sound of his voice in the middle of the night. He had humbled himself and begged to see her. She was sure that his pride was wounded when she refused. He wouldn’t call her again.
It had been a long, lonesome week. Norris and Marlene were in Clear Lake. April showers were living up to their reputation and had curtailed her long walks with Kelly. She had not been out of the apartment except to take him to the parking lot and to the grassy spot beyond.
After a long warm bath, she put on her gown and robe and sat down to watch
What’s My Line?
on the television. She was going into her sixth month of pregnancy, and her swelling stomach tallied with the date. It was nicely rounded, and she patted it with a warm little smile.
The bell on the intercom sounded, startling her. The room was almost dark, and she fumbled for the lamp switch and pulled the drapes before she answered.
“Yes?”
“Mrs. Hanson, someone is here with a message from Mr. Smithfield,” the manager said. “Shall I let him come up?”
“Yes, let him come up.”
Had Norris and Marlene gotten married? Or had he arranged a surprise for her, knowing how long and boring the week had been? She turned on more lights, suddenly feeling less lonely.
The soft chimes of the doorbell sounded.
Making sure her robe was closed, Nelda opened the door and froze, stunned.
Lute stood there!
The collar of his coat was turned up, his bare head and shoulders wet with rain. Nelda noticed this in a mere second before she closed her eyes. She opened them again to see if what she thought she saw was real.
It was. His face looked tired and thin, his eyes quiet and pleading. The last time he had looked at her, they had chilled her with their bitterness. He pushed the door open with one hand. By the time she came out of shock he was inside the room.
She turned and ran through the bedroom and into the bathroom.
“I’m sorry if I surprised you—”
She heard the words before she slammed the door and locked it. Her chin trembled. Why was he here? Had he come about the farm, or . . . had he heard about the baby and come to tell her he would fight her for it—Oh, God, don’t let it be that!
Through the roar in her ears she could hear Kelly barking. He was glad to see Lute. Then a knock sounded on the bathroom door.
“Nelda. For God’s sake! What’s the matter with you? Open the door.”
He pounded on the door and Kelly, thinking it was a game, barked in a frenzy of excitement. The manager would hear the commotion and ask her to move.
“Go away. I don’t want to see you.”
“Open the door. I drove all this way in the rain to see you, and I’m not going until I do.”
“Please go. If Kelly keeps barking the manager will be up and ask me to move.”
“I’m not going, honey. Not until we talk. I’ll try to calm Kelly.”
She heard him talking softly to the dog, and they left the bedroom. She waited. All was quiet. Had he left? She had to know and opened the door a crack just as he was coming back into the bedroom. Closing it again, she turned the lock.
“I gave him a small bowl of dry cereal. Come out and talk to me. Give me half an hour, and I’ll go.”
“We have nothing to say to each other that we haven’t said on the phone.”
“I think we do. I’ve got papers for you to sign. Papers concerning the farm.”
“Leave them on the bed. I’ll sign them and mail them back to Earl.”
“I’d like to discuss them with you.”
“How did you find me?”
“Smithfield or rather his lady friend told me. She said she hadn’t promised not to tell me. It took a good hour on my part to convince her. They think the world of you, Nelda. I was wrong about Smithfield. He’s crazy about the woman that was with him. Did you know they are planning to be married?”
Marlene, how could you do this to me? Did you tell him about the baby?
Thoughts swirled round and round in her fogged brain.
“Nelda, you’re scaring me. You know I’d never hurt you, so why are hiding from me?”
“I don’t want to see you. I thought I’d made that clear.”
“Why? Come out. You don’t have to look at me if I’m so repulsive to you. Come out and sign the papers.”
Nelda sat down on the stool and buried her face in her hands. What to do? He wasn’t going to leave. She couldn’t spend the night in the bathroom. Why hadn’t she shut the bedroom door and stayed in there where there was a telephone?
Dammit, she was a prisoner in her own apartment. Damn him anyway. He had no right to do this to her. She would tell him to get the hell out and leave her alone. Before she could reconsider, she got up and flung open the door.
“All right!” she shouted. “Give me the damn papers, and get the hell out of here.”
His eyes flicked over her. “My God, Nelda, you’re—”
“Pregnant? Yes, it’s obvious that I am.” Her voice was defiant. “But it has nothing to do with you. Understand that right now.”
He closed the gap between them in one long stride, and his hands on her upper arms pulled her toward him. She struggled in his grasp.
“That’s why you’ve been sick . . . lost weight. Oh, honey, I remember how sick you were before—”
“Turn loose of me, you . . . horse’s ass!”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
She closed her eyes tightly. “Why should I tell you? It isn’t yours. It’s a man’s . . . from Chicago.”
“You’re lying,” he said tightly.
“No!” She tried to twist away from him. “This is my baby. No part of it is yours.”
“Ours!” he contradicted in a hoarse voice. “It’s ours. Why are you trying to deny my child his father? Didn’t you know that I’d be the happiest man in the world if you had my baby?”
“I knew nothing of the kind! You said just the other night that you never wanted another wife, or another child.”
“It’s what I thought when you were both taken away from me. You’ve got to know that I’d want our child.”
“The child, but not the useless mother. We’re a package deal. I don’t want to marry you. I couldn’t bear the same situation all over again. We’d be back to square one, with you caught in the same trap with the wrong woman.”
“I never considered myself caught in a trap.”
“I intend to raise my child alone, surrounded with love, not resentment. We ask nothing of you.” She paused, summoning the courage to say the final words. “Please go,” she whispered.
His hands dropped from her arms, and she turned her back to him and bowed her head. There was silence behind her. She held her breath, waiting to hear the door open and close.
“Nelda Elaine,” he whispered raggedly, “you sweet little fool. Don’t you know that you mean more than anything in the world to me and always have?
Why do you think I’m here? I didn’t even know about the baby. Your friends were careful to keep that from me. It’s you I want so desperately, I’m almost out of my mind.”