Dot Complicated: Untangling Our Wired Lives (13 page)

Facebook is incredibly powerful as a service precisely because people use their real names, identities, and interests. From the start, this was one of the biggest competitive advantages over rival social networking sites. It’s how people who know you can find you and add you to their friends list, get a sense of your personality, and choose whether to develop greater connections with you online and offline. It’s no different for dating. The more you reveal what kind of person you really are, the more likely it is that someone compatible with you will take an interest, which then leads to conversations, plans, and dates.

Online dating is like the ultimate job interview. The emotional and personal stakes are high. It can also be a brutal process. Online dating is an interview where, with the push of a button, you can be instantly judged and compared to an infinite number of other candidates. This dynamic creates an incentive for people to find interesting new ways to differentiate themselves from the competition and to “brand” themselves in the most appealing light.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to differentiate oneself. It’s what’s needed today. But when people lie about themselves online, that’s when problems start. What’s the most important lesson for relationships today? Don’t try to be someone you’re not online.

One of the reasons Facebook works so well to promote authenticity is because it evolved as a community with a shared set of expectations and conventions around authentic identity, and telling the truth was expected and enforced by our friends. But when we don’t have those safeguards—and, in fact, everyone is trying to compete at being the most perfect—a vague interest in
Lord of the Rings
becomes a love of medieval folklore, sporadic attempts at boiling pasta means that a person enjoys cooking, and because someone went to the gym a couple of times last month that person is now training for an Ironman.

This is just asking for trouble. People who post inauthentic or inaccurate versions of themselves on dating sites may find themselves either struggling to explain their exaggerations, or on a date with someone trying to do the same. Ideally, if this happens,
neither
of you is really training for a full Ironman. But posting a misleading profile picture is definitely going to be noticed.

In the end, the truth usually comes out. If you do build a relationship with someone that begins with lies or exaggerations, the digital world makes it easier for those things to come back to haunt you. Your online identity leaves a digital trail across the web, on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, Instagram, and blogs. That record just begs to be Googled, studied, and cross-referenced. So, don’t lie about your identity online. The truth comes out offline.

Remember that your identity doesn’t just belong to you anymore. The photos and posts you personally make are one side of the story, but the company you keep and the types of comments those people write on your posts says a lot about you as well. We are now judged not only by what we say, but also by what other people say about us.

If you’re inauthentic about the friends you accumulate online and add people you don’t really know, or people you’ve met only once in passing, this could cause your
actual
friends to be misled by a false sense of closeness when they meet these people, find them online, or see that you are the mutual “friend.” By contrast, if you meet someone who tells you about a friend you have in common, either online or offline, be sure to confirm it, just in case.

This requires we think carefully about the friends we let into our lives and allow to post or tag on our behalf. But it also emphasizes the importance of telling the truth at all stages of a relationship, online and offline.

We all have that “friend” who, even though he or she is only a peripheral acquaintance in real life, acts like our best friend online. That person who likes every single photo, favorites every single tweet, comments on everything, and tags you in photos you’re not even in because you’re “there in spirit.”

Earlier this year, there was a lot of talk about a term called “catfishing,” when Notre Dame football player Manti Te’o found out that he had been cat fished—the girl he had been online dating for three years, had supported through cancer, and believed had recently passed away, was actually another guy, who had created a fake online identity. Turns out Manti Te’o had never had a relationship with that woman, because she had never existed.

Authenticity can be a painful thing for the heart to bear.

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

One more painful consequence of putting your authentic identity online concerns an unfortunate chapter in many relationships: the breakup. Sometimes things don’t work out and love isn’t meant to be. When that happens, after you’re done handing over the other person’s toothbrush and taking back your hair dryer, you face a more serious challenge: detangling your digital selves from each other.

Post-breakup is treacherous in this new territory, because when you date someone, you participate with them in a shared online identity. The photos taken together, the check-ins, the lovey-dovey public messages you sent each other on Valentine’s Day, the shared friends and connections—all of these are a core part of your relationship.

Many couples try to remain friends online, even after they have ended the relationship offline. It can seem that the online-only relationship is harmless and that the pain will pass. Because of the shared online identity that relationships create, you can’t break up in real life and not break up online. And research shows this is an essential part of healing and moving on from the relationship.

Scientists at the Brunel University in the United Kingdom have shown that staying Facebook friends with your ex creates “greater current distress over the breakup, more negative feelings, sexual desire, and longing for the ex-partner, and lower personal growth.”

If you break up but stay Facebook friends, you’ll have to experience the pain of seeing your ex going to parties with single friends and getting tagged with a new partner, and you will constantly be reminded of the loss of an online identity you once enjoyed together. It also confuses others and raises questions about whether the relationship is truly over. Is that something you’re prepared to deal with?

And what about couples who share a blog or a Facebook profile? Recently, divorce lawyers have reported a significant increase in couples arguing over who gets ownership of online assets and social media accounts, counting them as valuable “property” in divorce hearings.

Interestingly enough, a QMI Agency study showed that 45 percent of people would be happy to be contacted by an ex on Facebook, but at the same time they would be furious if their current significant other was in contact with
their
ex.

We see the effects of technology in all our relationships, but in our romantic lives, the effects are more intense, with the potential to help us find intimacy and affection or break our hearts and crush our dreams. Dating and love in the modern world are complicated, to say the least. And using technology to go in search of love can be a risky business.

Knowing how to express the best version of yourself online, broadcast when appropriate, provide real intimacy, and survive the digital untangle will help you find the tech–life balance that continues to be the cornerstone of all successful personal interactions in the digital age.

After all, computers don’t get into relationships. People do.

chapter 7

FAMILY

The Truly Modern Family

I
n the fall of 2011, just a few months after Asher was born, my friend Hooman asked me to play a bit part in
Olive,
an indie film he was writing and directing. I’ve always wanted to be in a movie, and this sounded like an especially cool one. It was the first feature film to be entirely shot on a smartphone.

I was only going to appear in one scene, and thus only had to be on the set for a day. It was a big scene, though, and I was to play opposite Academy Award–winning actress Gena Rowlands. That day, I turned up at the studio early, feeling glamorous and excited for my role as Shoe Sales Girl. I had memorized my lines and seen the really cool cell phone video camera they were using to shoot the movie. But when it was time to be fitted in the wardrobe department, I made a horrifying discovery. I realized that I hadn’t shaved my legs in a few days. I wasn’t glamorous; I was gross.

Sheepishly, I asked one of the set runners if she would go across the street to Walgreens and fetch me a razor.

The runner laughed. “Wow, I’ve seen a lot of things working on movie sets, but this is a new one.”

I started to mumble an apology. “Well, I just had a baby . . .” But she had already run off across the street. No doubt, she would later be regaling her friends with a story about the poor, pathetic new mom she had met on set.

Luckily, the scene went really well. And when I saw the initial edit, I was shocked at how beautiful footage from a smartphone camera can look on the big screen. We’ve come a long way. You could never tell that behind that smiling Shoe Sales Girl on camera was just an ordinary mom, trying to balance the excitement and challenges of raising a family in the digital world.

How does technology affect family life, children, and parenting? As we have seen, there are both good and bad, complex challenges and awesome opportunities. But up front, let’s get something out of the way—a lesson that my embarrassing on-set experience demonstrates: you can’t have it all.

You can’t pay attention to everyone, and lately it’s difficult to even pay attention to yourself. No matter your age, gender, marital status, financial status, or background, we all have to make hard choices and trade-offs. All the people who expect to be able to combine their home, work, and personal lives without sacrifice are just begging to be disappointed.

I follow a simple mantra.
Work. Sleep. Family. Friends. Fitness.

Pick three.

Sometimes when Asher is at the playground playing with his toys in the sandbox, he’ll look up and say, “Cookie?” I gently explain to him that he can’t have a cookie while he’s also playing in the sand. If you’re doing one thing, sometimes you just can’t do another—you have to choose.

Every morning, staring bleary-eyed into the bathroom mirror, I remember my mantra and think about what to prioritize. The way I see it, work, sleep, family, friends, and fitness are the essential things we need but can’t do every day, or at least not well. Each morning, I pick three, depending on what I need to do and want to do. Obviously if it’s the workday I don’t really get a choice. But I do get to choose how to spend the in-between moments of the day and the mornings and evenings before and after work.

This morning ritual began when I became pregnant with Asher, in the summer of 2010. Over the next nine months, I took more than two dozen work trips for Facebook, several of them international. At three months pregnant, I did a panel discussion with Anderson Cooper in New York City. Then I got on a plane to give a talk at the Foreign Office in London the next day. At four months, I represented Facebook at the Golden Globes, desperately trying to make my bulging belly fit in with the gorgeous, slim women on the red carpet. At five months, I attended the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, where I battled fatigue by napping in the corner of a booth in between meetings with world leaders. At seven months, I organized a live talk show for Facebook at the South by Southwest conference, where I waddled around Austin, Texas, conducting televised interviews with A-list celebrities and politicians. And at nine months, I organized the Facebook town hall for President Obama, all the while battling nausea, fatigue, and intense leg and back pain from Asher pressing on my sciatic nerve.

Suffice it to say, I had to get really good at prioritizing, and fast. As you can imagine, I often picked work and sleep that year and tried to spend what time remained with Brent. I didn’t get to spend much time with friends and definitely didn’t prioritize fitness. I gained nearly fifty pounds while pregnant and am still fighting the final five two years later. All in all, that year ended as one of the most fulfilling of my entire career.

I continue to run my life by this mantra, while mixing things up as often as possible. After all, life is flexible, and we can do more than we expect. And the best part is, every morning we get to make our three choices all over again: Work. Sleep. Family. Friends. Fitness.

How can we have fulfilling family lives and make sure our children get the attention and love they deserve? How can we raise our children to be tech savvy but also safe? How do we help our children find their own tech–life balance?

You can’t have it all. But technology can help you enjoy and make use of what you do have. Technology, when used mindfully, can be used for more than just solving the problems created by technology itself.

Does technology make family life easy? No. Does it absolve you of the need to give your kids love, attention, and affection? Absolutely not. Is technology something that is automatically good? No way.

Technology is a tool, and to make sure it’s used correctly we need to remain engaged and involved in our children’s lives and teach them the right skills and habits to stay safe and productive online.

Dot Complicated—1990s Style

When I was a kid, one of my earliest creative projects was designing and launching a family newsletter. At some point during my early years, I liked to imagine myself as a serious journalist. But lacking all the important journalistic resources—a fedora with the word “Press” on it, a vintage camera, and, er, any actual stories to report—I decided to let loose my not inconsiderable talents on our household.

The newsletter was called Half a Dozen because there were six of us in our family. As you can see, I was already a pretty witty kid. And the content wasn’t bad either. The newsletter mostly alternated between matter-of-fact announcements of upcoming events and activities (useful) and elaborate “investigative” reports into household activities (ingenious).

“Half-Drunk Orange Juice Left Open in Fridge,” read the headline. “Pulp Culprits Still at Large.”

Okay, so it wasn’t exactly Bob Woodward quality, but my captive audience of at least five other people made me genuinely excited to write. Getting a kid to willingly dedicate time to any writing that isn’t homework is also a pretty big deal. Every week I would log on to my dad’s office computer, open up Print Shop, and bash out another page of “news,” which would then be printed in black and white on our printer and pasted on the refrigerator door. It was an incredibly satisfying feeling, even if I never did get to the bottom of the Great Orange Juice Mystery of 1991.

Looking back, that newsletter might well have been the precursor to Dot Complicated.

If I were growing up today, Half a Dozen would be completely unrecognizable. It would be a hundred times more sophisticated. And there’s no reason it couldn’t be an actual newspaper of the Zuckerberg clan. Technology allows us to create amazing, professional-looking content quickly and easily. What a few years ago would have required a serious professional with qualifications in art and design to produce we can now make with our own computers in minutes. And instead of just pinning a piece of paper on the refrigerator door, now the family newsletter, as well as constant smaller updates, can be shared with your household, your extended family, and anyone else you want to include, via blogs, groups, or e-mail.

And that’s only the start.

What technology has given us—which we often take for granted—is simple access to information. And this provides amazing benefits for families, as well as some challenges.

I’m always amazed that no matter where I go or whom I speak with, no matter if you’re a mom in Silicon Valley, Oklahoma, or Tokyo, we’re all just people with the same personal questions about tech and our families.

On one hand, people are extremely excited about what technology has helped their children achieve at such a young age. One man told me about how he helped his nine-year-old daughter self-publish a book on Amazon, something he could only have dreamed of doing when he was her age. Another woman told me about her thirteen-year-old daughter who was already designing her own mobile apps. And almost all parents brag about how their kids are the best tech support they have.

Yet people also have a lot of questions and concerns. What about the new such-and-such app that all the kids are using? How can they convince their kids to friend them on Facebook? How can they have productive conversations with their kids about issues like online privacy and cyberbullying?

It’s incredibly complicated to raise children in today’s modern, wired world. We are the first generation of parents whose children will grow up entirely online, with every single moment of their lives documented, recorded, and stored publicly. This is especially challenging given that we did not grow up with all of this technology and it is far from second nature for many of us.

We’re the first generation of parents whose kids think it’s perfectly normal to interact with other human beings through computer screens and who assume that every single screen they see has an element of touch to it. And we’re the first generation of parents to be grappling with issues around privacy, safety, and anonymity online, which didn’t exist just a decade ago.

So, it’s up to us to forge the path ahead.

And the Cat’s in the Cradle . . .

In 2011, the Joseph Rowntree Foundation found that children who see their parents drunk are twice as likely, as grown-ups, to regularly get drunk themselves. This didn’t even need to be something that happened frequently—the study found that those odds were reached even if children saw their parents under the influence on only a few occasions.

This is just one example of how parents can have a much greater impact on their children’s habits than they might realize, and that social behavior can be contagious. When kids are growing up, they are powerfully influenced by our words and actions, and whether we want to or not, whether we are conscious of it or not, we will leave an imprint on our children’s personalities and development forever.

Recently neuroscientists have begun to shed light on some of the biological and environmental factors that explain why this happens. One potential explanation can be found in the role that “mirror neurons” play in our brains. Neurons are the brain cells that help us communicate, think, feel, and love. Mirror neurons play a fascinating and unique role among these: they help us learn by imitation. When we see someone riding a bicycle or laughing or dancing, we get an intuitive feel for how to do these things ourselves, and then we learn by imitation.

Another way adults affect their children’s development is through cultivating a sense of empathy and connection. A 2007 research study by Dr. Ruth Feldman of Bar-Ilan University detailed in the journal article “Mother–Infant Synchrony and the Development of Moral Orientation in Childhood and Adolescence,” showed that when we pay attention to our children, we are activating and strengthening our children’s long-term capacity for empathy.

Also, the importance of a child hearing a parent’s voice has been shown by researchers to play a critical role in the development of intelligence. A study by Betty Hart and Todd R. Risley at the University of Kansas, published in the 1995 book
Meaningful Differences in the Everyday Experience of Young American Children,
showed that the more words a child hears before the age of three, the better that child will do in school.

The relationships and attention children experience while growing up imprint on their minds and personalities. When we share good feelings and emotions with them, or just talk to them, we are preparing them for life.

Of course, it doesn’t work if we’re too busy checking our e-mail.

How often do you scold your children for using their phones too much and then find yourself at the dinner table, checking your text messages or answering a work e-mail? How often do you tell your kids to get off the Internet and do their chores or their homework, but then you waste time online yourself? How often are you staring down at the screen of your smartphone instead of looking into the eyes of your child?

People ask me all the time what my rules for Asher are when it comes to technology. For how long do I let him play games on the phone? How much screen time does he get on my tablet every day? Does he have his own iPad? But nobody ever asks me what my rules are for myself.