Jimmy had been smiling to see them, but the closer Evan got, silent and haunted, the more Jimmy’s smile faltered. When Evan wound his arms around Jimmy in a loose hug, Jimmy was frowning. He returned the hug with a worried, “Hey...” then pulled Evan back to study his face. “What’s wrong?”
Evan shook his head, running a hand through his hair.
“Well, come in,” Jimmy said, stepping aside the give them room.
Evan wandered into the trailer, looking around, seeing layers of history everywhere. He settled onto the small pull-out couch, hands folded in front of his mouth, elbows braced on his knees. He knew he’d been walking stiffly, and hoped Jimmy wouldn’t notice, knowing he would. Alek sat beside Evan. He moved to rest a hand upon the middle of Evan’s back, then hesitated, then did it anyway.
Jimmy joined them, pulling up a chair.
“Talk to me, Evan,” Jimmy asked, his voice low and tied in to all of those memories, all of those times he’d pried truths from Evan, like he’d found some magic words to release secrets.
“Brennan’s gone,” Evan started, his voice catching with emotion.
“He’s not
gone
,” Alek corrected, when Jimmy seemed to become startled. “He’s in Louisiana for a few days for Maggie’s birthday. He’ll be home Monday or Tuesday.”
“I see,” Jimmy replied, sounding relieved. Evan could feel Jimmy’s gaze upon him, working its spell. “You’ve never been good at trusting people to return to you.”
“Oh my god. Fuck, I didn’t even—” Alek said suddenly, sounding angry with himself. “God, I’m
stupid
. Evan—”
“No, he’s right. It’s
my
problem,” Evan protested, rubbing his hands over his face.
“But I should have remembered. The way you tried to say goodbye to me that morning, months ago, when I had to go to work... all of that abandonment shit with Charlie....”
“You must remember, also, that you can’t fix this part of Evan for him,” Jimmy told Alek patiently. “He needs to figure it out on his own, in his own time. It is Alek, right? I hate to have to ask, but—”
Evan laughed, half crying at the same time. “You still can’t tell them apart?”
“What can I say, I’m a moron sometimes,” Jimmy confessed with a small smile.
Jimmy passed Evan a tissue, which he used to blow his nose and dry his eyes. “I’m a fucking mess, aren’t I?”
“You don’t look good. Have you not been sleeping?” Jimmy wondered, looking concerned again.
Evan felt Alek looking at him, but didn’t meet his gaze. He sighed and shifted on the couch, wincing a little. “Yeah, I sleep enough. I’m just... sore,” he mumbled, head bowed as he felt a blush rising.
Alek tensed up. Evan felt it happen.
“I see.”
Evan knew Jimmy was putting it together. Brennan was gone. Luka and Alek were left alone with Evan, who’d been filling the role of group fucktoy in the meantime.
“I mean, I’m
fine
. I’m just sore. In a normal way. Don’t be mad at them.” He chanced a look at Jimmy’s expression.
“Why would you think I’m mad at them?” Jimmy asked, holding Evan’s gaze and looking at him like the two of them were the only ones there.
“Just because. I know this stuff makes you mad.”
“What stuff is it you’re talking about?”
“Come on, you’re not actually expecting me to say it, are you?” Evan felt restless, agitated. “I’m not hiding them from you, am I? Alek is sitting here. Luka has sat here, too.”
“And I appreciate that,” Jimmy said. Alek had suddenly sat up straighter; his hand on Evan’s back tensed. Evan ignored it. “Is that what you thought I’d be mad about?”
“Partially, yeah,” Evan scoffed. “If I come here and sit in front of you with them, it’s to show you I’m okay.”
“Are you sure you’re okay? You seem a little defensive, to be honest.” Jimmy’s voice was even, serene. It had none of the tension that Alek did. Evan took a deep breath, blew it out.
“I just know how you get. That’s all. I know you’re looking at me like everything is fine, and we’re just talking, but we’re not.”
“Then why are you here, Evan? Why did you come for a visit today?”
“Because you know me.”
“This stuff that you think I’m mad about, are you including what’s happening now, with Alek and Luka, in all of that?”
“No! Of course not!” Evan said loudly. “It’s been different, you know.
I’m
different with them. It’s not like it was.”
“In what way?” Jimmy asked, speaking directly to Evan, sounding like he already knew the answer, but just wanted Evan to say it out loud. Evan loved that about Jimmy.
“I can ask for things. I feel included. It’s more about what
I
want. I mean, I don’t think I even realized it could be different.”
“Do you ask for things, Evan?” There was no good answer to that. Everything that had been worrying Evan hinged on that question. When Evan said nothing, and Alek was still stiff and silent as a statue beside him, Jimmy said, “Because it’s one thing to know you can ask, and it’s another to actually do it. No one can know what you’re thinking and feeling if you don’t tell them.”
It felt so good to hear Jimmy say that, out loud and in front of Alek, that Evan relaxed a little more. He breathed a little easier.
“Okay.”
“Okay,” Jimmy echoed, nodding subtly. “So, is there anything you want to ask Alek while we’re together? You know this is a safe space, Evan. Always has been.”
“Evan?” Alek said, asking so many things at once and sounding half-panicked.
Evan shook his head. Jimmy dropped his gaze.
“I just need Jimmy to know I’m getting better. I’m happy. Worried as fuck, but happy.”
“
Jimmy
,” Alek pleaded, on the edge of his seat.
“It’s not my place to speak for Evan,” Jimmy answered. “I’m sorry.”
Alek took Evan’s hand, pulled him around to face him. Evan couldn’t quite meet Alek’s searching gaze, so Alek pressed his lips to Evan’s forehead and begged, “Please, baby. What’s wrong? Talk to me.”
“I will. Give me some time to get my thoughts together first? I’m okay,” he told Alek. He was finally able to look up, finding some bravery. “I promise.”
They left shortly after that. Evan fell quiet again. They drove to the grocery store in silence, without even the radio on to fill the stillness.
As if moving in a daze, Evan got out of the truck after they’d parked. He walked a step behind and beside Alek as they approached the entrance. They didn’t touch or hold hands. Evan had his hands in his pockets, his head down. He trailed Alek like a shadow. It reminded him of when he was younger, of times he’d agree to meet up with someone for a hookup, and they’d go somewhere more private, not touching yet, not talking, just knowing that once they got to where they needed to go, everything would be different. A few times, he thought he saw Alek begin to reach out for him, to hook an arm around Evan’s shoulders and draw him closer, protectively, but he stopped himself. Evan was glad.
There were no stares. No one paid them much attention at all, and that was nice. It was good to be invisible.
Lost in thought and memory, Evan stood by the loaves of bread, his gaze moving over the brightly colored packaging as Alek wandered up and down the aisle, looking for something in particular and not finding it initially. The fluorescent lights above were garish, the store filled with the sounds of low voices, squeaky cart wheels, rustling of packages, and low elevator music piped over the speakers. The linoleum tile floors shone; marked here and there with skid marks from the small, black tires of the shopping carts. There was so much to look at, so much advertisement vying for Evan’s attention that it was easy to detach and just float there.
Someone approached them. At first, Evan thought they were blocking the way to the food, but the man walked right up to them and when he was a few steps away, Evan finally saw who it was, smiling in a knowing, familiar way.
A switch flipped inside Evan, making his heartbeat begin to race. Part of him went back there, like he’d never left, like the rest of his life had been a dream and the only thing that had been real was what had happened in his old bedroom. He was still lying on his bed with his underpants pulled down and Alek was only a daydream. The light shone golden through the closed curtains, warming the dark wood of the floors. The camera on its tripod was pointed at him and he was lying on top of someone, on his back, his legs pulled up and spread. A pair of large, calloused hands played with his genitals, putting on a show for the camera. That little red light shone brightly, like an eye, and a voice said by his ear, “See, you don’t have a pussy, but you’ve got somethin’ just as good. See? This is what you’ve gotta give ‘em, Ev. This is
all
they’re gonna want.”
Hands spread his cheeks, fingers brushed over his hole, tickling the sensitive skin, poking at the center of his knot. The camera was pointed right at him, seeing everything, filming right up into his body and spying on all of his secrets.
Standing under the fluorescents of the grocery store, caught and frozen, his face hot, Evan’s heart was pounding; his eyes opened wide, his mouth pressed in a tight line to hold in a low moan.
Right away, instinctively, he bowed his head submissively, tensing up as Drew stood right in front of Alek, facing both of them with a big smile.
He prayed silently, way down in his heart, that Drew wouldn’t say anything to Alek. Drew had always been so good about keeping secrets. That had been something Evan liked most about him, so experience told him Drew would play it cool. Still, danger was right there. It was everything Alek didn’t know, but Evan and Drew surely did, filling the air around them.
“Damn, Aleksy, how long has it been?” Drew chuckled.
Evan went cold all over, the blood draining out of his body, leaking down into the floor beneath his feet.
Drew knew Alek. It was something Evan didn’t want to be true, needed it to be wrong so badly, he actually shook his head a little, back and forth, but kept the moan of horror inside.
Alek pulled himself up taller and stepped forward a little, shifting just slightly, almost imperceptibly in front of Evan, like he was trying to step between Evan and Drew.
“Really long. Excuse us,” Alek said shortly, almost rudely.
“Us?” Drew echoed, adding a whole lot of inflection to the word. “Who’s us?” He made a show of looking around Alek to see Evan. Then, Drew winked at Evan and Evan’s bladder almost let go right there. Evan stopped breathing, started shaking.
Please don’t say anything
, he prayed.
Please god, no.
“Mmm, this is us, huh? Kind of... I don’t know.
Young
, isn’t he, Aleksy?”
Alek, please just go. Please just walk. We need to go. I need to go.
“No,” Alek said angrily, stepping even more obviously between them. “We’re shopping, and you’re in the way, so if you’ll excuse us—“
“Oh, I didn’t mean anything by it. I just thought it was kind of ironic, you know? How is Luka, anyway? Has ‘us’ met Luka? Bet he knows him really, really well, huh?”
“Get the fuck out of the way. Now!” Alek growled in barely contained rage. “You know nothing. Leave us the fuck alone, you fucking pervert.”
Drew started to laugh, shaking his head at the anger and language, none of it fazing him in the slightest.
To Evan, Drew said, “Jeez, kid, I hope he doesn’t talk to you like that!”
Alek grabbed Evan by the arm, just above his elbow, breathing a frantic, private, “Sorry,” to him as he pulled Evan past Drew and away down the aisle.
Alek set down the basket with all of their food in it and just kept walking, not letting go.
Moving automatically, without thinking or intention, his thoughts in chaos, instinct told Evan he should be protesting the way Alek was pulling him quickly along, but the fear was too big. All that mattered was staying very quiet and just trying not to be noticed. To just let things happen and pray as hard as he could that he would be okay when it was over.
They got to the truck. Alek opened Evan’s door and guided him inside. Only then did he finally let go.
Evan barely noticed. He was too busy remembering sitting on Drew’s lap, facing forward, straddling his legs. He was wearing the elastic waist shorts Drew really liked and Drew’s hand slipped inside Evan’s pants, grabbing a firm handful of his cock and balls. The skin on skin touch in such a private place made Evan shivery and a little queasy. He was so young, he barely had any pubic hair, and Drew whispered by Evan’s ear, “Hey sexy, you miss me? I missed you.”
In the truck’s cab, Evan moaned, face in his hands. He had to hide, to get it together, fast. Alek couldn’t see him like this. He would know. He’d find out everything.
Standing outside the truck, Alek had his phone in his hand. He dialed, placed it to his ear, then yelled, “Shit!”
It gave Evan an idea. As Alek put the phone away, then finally opened the driver’s side door, Evan pulled out his phone too and pretended to be using it.
Alek sat heavily in the driver’s seat. He was breathing hard, flushed with anger, looking wild.
“A-Alek,” Evan said unevenly, panting a little by trying to play it cool when it felt like the whole world had turned inside out and upside down. “Jimmy just called. Said he has something really important to give me. I have to stop back there. We need to go home. I’ll drive back myself. It’s really important.”
That cold feeling wasn’t going away. Evan shook his head, hummed softly as he tried to dismiss memories he didn’t want. Alek knew Drew. Luka knew Drew. And now Drew knew Evan was dating them.
“Alek?”
Alek was far away, in his own thoughts. He blinked, came slowly around.
“Home. Come on.”
“Yeah. Let’s get the hell out of here,” Alek said, shifting into drive.
Chapter 13
Running Scared
“Look, I’m sorry about that. In the store,” Alek said. “That guy. He’s just a real creep and there are memories there I’d rather just forget, so I totally spaced on denying we were together, and I’m sorry for pulling you along, I just needed to get out of there, and I’d really, really love to talk to Luka but he’s not picking up.” Alek spoke it all on one breath, his eyes on the road.