Read Doubting Our Hearts Online
Authors: Rachel E. Cagle
I shake my head not knowing what to say or how to say it. "He's in the cancer center in Tampa General." I just cover my hands over my face and cry as Brayden leads me to the sofa. I can feel when he gets up but his spot is quickly replaced by the girls who speak words of comfort to calm me.
I don't know how much time passes when I hear Brayden address me again. I lift my head slightly, and he's in front of me kneeling with a sweet smile on his face.
"I need your help."
"It's okay. I'll pick up the dishes. I'm just really tired."
"Ryan and I already picked up from dinner. I need your help getting packed."
"Why would I need to get packed?"
His hands come to sit on my knees. I look to both his hands then back into his eyes. They're kind and warm and they make me relax just staring into his pools of warm chocolate.
"You're flying out in two hours, so we need to hurry and get you ready."
"What are you talking about?"
"You ask a lot of questions you know that? I got you a ticket to Tampa to see your father. You obviously miss him, and it seems like he needs you right now. Go pack and I'll bring you to the airport."
I don't know what to say if there's anything that will make this moment seem real. The feelings I have for this man overpower everything I think I know. He read my emotions, bought me a ticket home, and didn't push himself in the equation at all. If I didn't know better, I would start to think I was falling for him.
I throw my arms around his neck and hug tightly. His strong arms enclose around me, and my heart starts to beat a little faster. His smell surrounds my body, but I remind myself this is a friendly hug as a thank you for his kindness.
"Thank you, Brayden. More than you'll ever know. Thank you," I whisper.
As his right hand slides up my spine, his left tightens around my waist and says, "You're welcome, Lillian."
I pull out of his embrace to say a quick goodbye to my friends then run to my room to get packed for my trip. I don't know how long I'll be staying, so I throw a few days worth of clothes in a bag with some undergarments.
I don't know how to thank him for this. I'll have to think of something that's both meaningful and shows him how much I appreciate his gesture.
Brayden
For the last twenty minutes Lillian's been packing for her flight to Tampa, I've been trying to process what I saw while making the reservations. I didn't want to talk out in the living room where the girls were trying to console her and in fear she would tell me to shove it and kick me out if I bought her a ticket. I went in the only other room in the apartment, her bedroom. It was probably ill-advised, but I did it anyways.
The furniture was nothing of what I expected from her. Hell, the entire apartment seemed too ultra-modern, whereas Lillian to me gives off the impression of a down-to-earth hometown girl vibe with warm colors, soft textures, and plush furnishings.
What was the most unexpected and had me frozen the whole time I was talking to the airline representative was the only picture she had in her room. It was one of me from the shoot a couple weeks ago. My eyes went wide just staring at my image attached to her mirror.
Why would she have a picture of me in her bedroom?
My mind races with possibilities. Does she feel something for me beyond friendship even after my admissions? Could she have felt like this nine months ago?
One thing's for sure is I need to get her to the airport in time for her flight, then I need to go see my brother. Even if my brother doesn't give me the best advice all the time, he does let me talk it out enough so sometimes the answer comes to me.
"Okay, I'm ready," Lillian says emerging from her room.
"Excellent. We should have plenty enough time to get you there before takeoff."
I grab her rolling luggage as she scoops up her camera, purse, and keys from the small table by the door. Once her doors locked and we're outside she asks, "Do you think the cab will take a while?"
"No, Lil. I'm driving you." She looks at me and I can't help but laugh at her baffled face. "As much as I love my walks with you, I do drive sometimes."
I walk her down a block to find my car is still in one piece and exactly where I put it. I can't be too careful with it. It's a classic. When I start to turn the key to unlock the door, Lillian speaks, "This is a joke, right?"
"What's a joke? We need to hurry so you can make it through security."
"No. I understand that, but you're seriously going to drive me to the airport in Mr. Miyagi's car? I kinda feel like Ali right now. Can I drive it too?"
I look back to search her face after she recognized the car. "You know about this car?" I ask incredulously.
"Brayden, Karate Kid was like my favorite moving growing up. It's even in the right yellow color. I'm in awe."
How is it that we've never talked cars before? Maybe it's just this one particular car. I mean the movie was popular back in the 80s. I have to test this out while I drive to the airport.
Once we're in route to our destination, I start my line of questions. "So you know what movie this was in, but do you know what kind of car it is?"
"Sure. It's a 1947 Ford Super Deluxe Convertible."
Wow. Okay. It was a popular car. Let's try something else. Collecting cars in a passion of mine and my brother's since we were kids. We've bought and sold always looking for the good investments. It's a quite enjoyable pastime for us and one where we actually agree most of the time.
"What about the black beauty from Miami Vice?" There is no way she'll get this one. I even had to research it to get it right.
"Hmm. Ferrari Daytona Spyder. 1972 if I remember correctly, but do you know what kinda car they replaced it with after Ferrari filed a lawsuit?"
I know about the lawsuit and how the film only used replicas, but damn if I don't remember the replacement car. How can she know this and not me?
"I'm stumped. What kind?"
"A 1986 Ferrari Tessterosa. Very fine car even now."
I don't know whether to stare at her or drop to one knee and ask her to marry me. I shake my head at my wayward thought. No. I can't do that.
"Now you have really intrigued me, Miss Anderson. How the subject of classic cars never came up, I don't know, but I have some more trivia for you."
"Shoot."
"The General Lee."
"Come on, Mr. Knight. You can do better than the Dukes of Hazzard. 1969 Dodge Charger with the confederate flag on the top."
"Impressive. Alright. One of my favorite shows and not just because it has my last name."
"Knight Rider," She states plainly.
"Hmhmm. Go ahead. What's the car?"
"1984 Pontiac Trans Am."
"Ehhh. Try again," I say with a laugh.
"I thought it was an '84."
"Nope. It was an '82, but they do look the same. I could see how you would get them confused. Very well done, Miss Anderson."
This woman knows her movie cars. If she intrigued me anymore, I would be a goner with no hope of ever returning to the land we call reality. Lillian would be my new existence.
"So how do you know so much about cars, Mr. Knight?"
"I think the better question is how you know so much. You've shocked me, and it takes a lot to truly surprise me."
She shrugs her shoulders as she stares at the moving scenery. Her brown hair is billowing in the wind as the night lights shine down on her gorgeous features.
"My dad and I are real close. He loves cars. Whether they're in movies or not doesn't matter. He has a '57 Chevy Bel Air we use to ride to church in every Sunday. After, he would take me, my mom, and sisters on a Sunday drive like back in the day. It seems like we saw a new beach each week. Not to mention the pictures were great too."
"I can just imagine a younger you with a camera glued to her face," I say jokingly.
I can see the airport come into view and sigh knowing she's going to leave me shortly. I don't like this feeling of Lillian leaving. It's like she's taking a piece of me with her.
As I pull up outside of the drop-off area, Lil unbuckles her seat belt and makes sure she has her purse and camera. I keep the car running and grab her carryon bag and rolling luggage for check in.
"Thank you again for this, Brayden. I'll pay you back I swear," She says taking the bag from my hands.
"No need. Just spend some time with your family. They need you just as much as you need them." I look down at my watch to see how much time she has left. "You should hurry. This is the last flight until the morning."
I tried to lean into her for a hug, but I was pleasantly rewarded with a small peck of her warm lips against my cheek. This is the first time she ever kissed me even if it was only something friendly.
"I can't thank you enough. I'll see you when I get back."
"Until then."
She looks up into my eyes and gives me a shy smile that has me fighting everything inside me to follow her and crash her lips to mine. Within seconds, she slips behind the doors into the airport.
When I get back on the road back to the city, I can think of only one person I need to talk to about all these emotions inside of me. Dialing the familiar number quickly, he picks up on the second ring.
"Hey, bro. What's going on?"
"I need to see you. Can we meet at your place?"
"Sure. How long will you be?"
"About half hour or so," I say. Just am I am going to hang up I ask, "You're alone right?"
"Yeah. No one's here but me."
"Alright. See you then."
Addison
"Are you going to invite him out tonight?" Teenie asks as we're getting our hair and nails done at the salon.
I let out a sigh. In hindsight, I'm not sure telling Tina about Brayden and Brendan was such a great idea. She is undoubtedly my best friend, however, she is quite the nag when it involves the one person I know I can't have.
"Teenie, please. I'm not sure I should ask him."
"Why not? You said yourself you feel an attraction to the man."
"You don't get it do you? Yes, I'm attracted to him, he looks exactly like my fiancé. However, what you failed to realize is I'm having these crazy hormonal lusting feelings for my fiancé's brother. Aren't you supposed to tell me to forget those and stick with Brayden? Isn't that the girlfriend thing to do? Tell me I'm completely stupid and stick with what I have?"
After Brendan put me in the cab eight days ago, I went straight to Tina's apartment and spilled my guts about the second time I offered Brayden to find out if things with Lillian are real. Oh, and I can't forget Brendan's reaction outside the pizza place. Plus, my sudden urge for him to practically take me there against the building.
Maybe I should've left the last part out, but I've always told Teenie everything, and when I mean everything...I mean no stone left unturned. After Clayton, she became like a shrink, not only giving me an opinion but also letting me disclose all my secrets without saying a word to anyone else.
"Addy, I suppose that is the girlfriend thing to do, but it's not what I do. I tell you when you're being stupid, when jeans make you look fat, and when your shoes don't match your outfit. It's what a friend does."
I huff and focus on my reflection in the mirror. She does have a point. She's never been one to sugar coat the truth or beat around the bush, which is probably one of the reason why I love her so much.
"What I am going to say is that I know Brayden’s a great guy, whose clearly sexy as hell, and I know you love him. But, you don't have the connection to him like you have with Brendan. Seeing you and Brendan together is like to magnets attracting and practically exploding when you come together. That, my friend, is what you call passion. Evidently, you're engaged to the wrong brother."
Could she see how Brendan looks at me? Is it that plain that we're the star-crossed lovers separated by one man, a brother and a friend? We're destined to be apart in fear of hurting the one person we both hold dear to us.
"Teenie, Brendan does not like me like that. He's acting like a friend as usual."
"Addison Olivia James, I of all people can tell when a man's in love, and Brendan Knight is most definitely a man in love."
I laugh because it's the closest thing I can do before I cry. Brendan surely doesn't love me. How can he without hurting his brother? Yeah if Brendan is in love with me than I'm a monkey's uncle. That man goes through women like water. I think the only person besides his brother that he loves is himself.
My short laugh has become long and drawn out getting higher as I see some patrons start to stare at me and my hysterical shouts. There is no way Brendan is in love with me. None in hell.
My cell phone dings with a text message.
Would you like to have dinner with me?
As I stare at these eight words, I think they must be sent by mistake. Taking another look at the top of the screen, nope, no mistake It's Brendan. A smile breaks out on my face as I continue to stare at his message.
"Addy, who is it?" Teenie asks as she tries to lean to her left to look at my phone.
"Tina, come back before you make me cut too much of this pretty brown hair. You'd be mad at me for weeks," Thomas says with his shears in one hand and comb in the other.
"You wouldn't dare." She replies in a mocked shocked tone. "I would never get you tickets to another Broadway play again."
Thomas' eyes go wide and he brings the hand with the comb up to his mouth covering the fake gasp he elicited. "You wouldn't dare." Throwing her words back at her.
"Ugh. I'll be good." She sits back with the black smock clipped around her neck and fanned out in front covering her designer clothes. "Addy, tell me who that was."
"Brendan."
"Well speak of the devil. Did he finally admit that he's in love with you?" She asks as both her and Thomas share a giggle.
"No. He asked me to dinner."
"Like a date?"
"No. I'm sure it's just a friend thing. I mean I'm going to be his sister-in-law. I better get used to being around him for dinner right?" As soon as the words passed my lips, I wanted to take them back. Calling myself Brendan's sister-in-law feels so wrong.
"It's a date. Too bad though, we could have had fun with him tonight at The Venue," Teenie replies looking down at her freshly manicured nails. "I guess I have to go alone."
I just roll my eyes and bring my attention back to my screen. Ok, fine. I shouldn't think this is a date. I don't. I wouldn't. It's all Teenie's fault that I'm kinda excited it might be one. I respond in kind.
Sure. I don't have any plans. When and where?
I wait for a couple of minutes for his reply. I look at my reflection again and get this crazy idea. I know I was told to keep my blonde hair perfectly trimmed and long, but I can't help but want to do something completely out of character. Nothing like bungee jumping or skydiving; both of those choice scare the hell out of me. No, something less adventurous but out of the norm for me. The ding of Brendan's reply diverts my attention to my phone once again.
I was thinking six at my place. Sushi?
I smile and type my reply.
Sounds great. I'll bring the wine.
I snap my head up to meet Melanie's gaze watching me as I set up a night with Brendan. "Mel? How much time do you have left until you're next appointment?"
******
Three extra hours in the salon let me relax before I had to get ready for my time with Brendan. It's always nice to just sit and have someone else mess with your hair.
It reminds me of the times my mother would brush my hair as a kid with one of those fine bristle antique brushes. She never did like to cut it, so it was along long. My natural blonde hair was something that has always been a blessing and a curse. A blessing because my mother and father always loved it and told me I was beautiful, but a curse in a way that I was constantly defined by it. The blonde haired blue-eyed country girl with the pretty face to match. I think I still have the plaid red and white checkered shirt, cutoff jean shorts, and cowboy boots I wore in the pageants for the talent portion. Yep, that's me the beauty queen turned model.
Many nights I sat in my childhood bedroom as my mother would brush my hair and tell me stories of love. Some were about a prince and princess; others were about finding love against all odds. These stories helped me shape what I wanted my future boyfriend/husband to be. All white knight riding in on a horse to sweep me off my feet. All I got was a hard case of reality shoved right in my face.
I clear my thoughts of anything negative and walk down the street with Tina to get some wine for tonight and just hang out some more before I have to get ready. I offer some wine selections that may suit the meal, but she is adamant on my bringing sake.
What's sushi without sake?
was her argument.
Once in the store, Teenie grabs three bottles of the alcoholic beverage. Is she trying to get me drunk around Brendan?
"I highly doubt we'll need three bottles, Teenie."
"Okay, yeah, three may be pushing it, but you don't want to get over there and then run out either. Better safe than sorry."
"I think the only sorry one is going to be me. I don't need to get drunk at a casual dinner with him." She starts to pay for the three bottle despite my efforts to cut it down. "Hey. I told you that's too much."
"Honey, I'm not saying drink all of it, but at least show him you can have a good time by relaxing some. It’s not like I want you to wear a shirt that says ‘Let’s get drunk and have sex.’ Just relax and be yourself." She smiles then add, "This will just help."
I sigh and know that nothing I do will change her mind or make her put back a bottle or two. I have to just go with it. I'll keep one bottle at home or maybe I can bring all three and leave one there so he'll have a reason to call me and have me back over.
I put my face in my hands and try to shake off these feelings. I'm not even there and I'm already trying to find ways to go back. I am such an idiot.
We make it to Teenie's apartment without any more stops or comments about my upcoming night. She puts the bag with the sake on the counter then starts to walk to her room.
"What are you going to wear tonight?" She asks.
"Oh, I don't know. How about something casual?"
Tina just looks at me funny like that is the worst idea I've ever had. It's at his house eating on the couch. Uh, the couch that may or may not have had naked women's body parts on it. I shiver at the unwelcome thought.
"Maybe I should buy him a table."
Teenie lets out a laugh. "Why on earth would you buy him a table?"
I shrug my shoulders. "You know, with how many women he's been with. Never know what's on his couch. At least a table will be new, and I won't have to worry about catching anything."
"Oh, this is too good," she says as she walks into her room. I follow her to see she's looking through her closet.
"What?" I ask genuinely confused.
Teenie laughs and peeks her head from rummaging through her clothes. "Addy, I love you, but sometimes your hair color comes through before your brain."
"What a table is a nice gift," I say before she shakes her head and disappears in her room of clothes.
It's a thoughtful gift right? I know he doesn't have one. It doesn't have to be big. Crap, maybe you don't just show up at someone's place with a table wrapped up and say, "Thanks for inviting me over. I figured your couch was infested with more fluids than a hotel bathtub, so here's a table. A nice, clean, new table we can eat off of without the possibility of me getting sick from crabs or VD or salmonella." Wait, isn't salmonella a poisoning from chicken?
"No, weirdo. A table is a bad idea unless you plan on getting him naked and fucking him on his couch. That's probably the closest you'll get to catching anything on his furniture."
"Eww. Totally not going to bang him on his couch. I would get a new couch for that." My hands quickly fly to cover my mouth when I stop talking. Teenie is dying laughing and I'm horrified. I need to have a filter sometime. I can't just let stuff like that fly out of my mouth. "Stop laughing at me. I didn't mean that."
"Sure you didn't."
I look down at my phone to see I've got two hours before I need to meet Brendan at his place for dinner. I walk back into the dining room, pick up the bag of sake, and head to her door. She's still laughing her ass off, and I scowl at her.
"I'm leaving. See you later tonight."
She waves her hand in the air and says between her laughter, "Text me the style and color Bren wants his new couch to be."
I close the door with a roll of my eyes and my bag of sake clutched tightly in my hands. Somehow, nothing I say will make her stop laughing at me.
I stop in the middle of the hallway and realize I'm staying with Teenie while Brayden and I decide what to do. With a deep breath, I turn around and walk back into her apartment. She's still laughing, and I feel myself wanting to smack her to shut up.
"Decided to go with the couch now?"
"No."
"That's fine. I have a dress for you on your bed. Don't worry. Panties will protect your coochie unless you go commando."
I left out a huff as I put the sake back on the counter. Of all the people in all the world, my friend has to be a bitch.
"I love you," She says giggling out the last of her hilarious fit.
"Fuck off," I reply as I walk into my room and head toward the shower.