Dr. Carbles Is Losing His Marbles! (2 page)

What?! Mr. Klutz was
fired
? It couldn't be true! We were all shocked.

I thought it was one of those times when something really horrible happens and then it turns out just to be a dream. I saw that in a movie once.

But the next morning while we were putting our backpacks away, everybody
was talking about what happened.

“Dr. Carbles can't fire Mr. Klutz!” said Michael.

“Well, he
did
,” said Ryan.

“But Mr. Klutz is the best principal in the world!” said Neil the nude kid.

Neil was right. Everybody loved Mr. Klutz. I was sad. Some kids were crying. Teachers were hugging each other in the hallway and dabbing their eyes with tissues. It was like Mr. Klutz had died.

After we pledged the allegiance, our teacher, Miss Daisy, said we should remember the good times we had with Mr. Klutz.

“Remember when he got his foot caught at the top of the flagpole and was hanging upside down?” said Ryan.

“Remember when he dressed like Santa in the holiday pageant, and he was hanging upside down from his sleigh?” said Michael.

“Once I got called to his office, and he was hanging upside down
from the ceiling,” I told everybody.

“Mr. Klutz sure hangs upside down a lot,” said Emily, who is a big crybaby.

It was hard to concentrate on reading and math that morning. We were all thinking about the good old days with Mr. Klutz. When it was time to go to the vomitorium for lunch, we were still talking about him.

“They'll have to get us a new principal,” said Andrea, who was sitting with her annoying girl friends at the next table.

“Who do you think it will be?” asked Ryan.

“I hope he's nice,” said Emily, who always hopes everybody will be nice.

“How do you know it will be a
he
?” said
Andrea. “Maybe the principal will be a lady.”

“Maybe one of the teachers will become principal,” Michael said. “Like Mr. Docker or Ms. Hannah.”

“Being principal is an important job,” said Neil the nude kid. “There's lots to do, like yell at kids and boss around teachers.”

“And dress up in weird costumes and marry turkeys,” I added.

“It will be hard to find someone who can fill Mr. Klutz's shoes,” said Andrea.

“Who cares about filling his shoes?” I said. “We just need a new principal. What would they fill his shoes with anyway?”

“It's just an expression, dumbhead,”
Andrea said.

“So is your face,” I told her.

We didn't have to wait long to find out who the new principal would be. At the end of the day, we had to go to the all-purpose room again. Once everybody was seated, a lady got up onstage. She told us her name was Mrs. Haney and she was the superintendent of all the schools in the county.

Wow! And we thought Dr. Carbles was important. If Dr. Carbles is like the king of the world, then Mrs. Haney is like the queen of the
universe
.

“I bet she can fly and see through walls,” I whispered to Michael. “That's
why she's Super Intendent.”

Mrs. Haney said she knew we were sad about Mr. Klutz and told us not to worry. Nothing would change now that he was gone.

“I'd like to introduce you to your
new
principal,” she announced.

And you'll never believe in a million
hundred years who walked out on the stage.

I'm not going to tell you.

Okay, okay, I'll tell you. And you don't even have to read the next chapter.

It was Dr. Carbles!

DR. CARBLES?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I always thought you had to go to principal school to be a principal. But I guess any dumbhead can be a principal.

Dr. Carbles wasn't wearing his usual jacket and tie. He was wearing an army uniform, with black boots and a whistle
around his neck. In one hand he was holding a bullhorn. In the other he had a whip.

He didn't say anything at first. He just walked down the aisle, looking us over. Nobody made a move. Nobody made a sound. It was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop.
^*

We were all afraid of Dr. Carbles. He had a scowl on his face. Even Miss Daisy looked scared.

Finally Dr. Carbles put the bullhorn to his mouth.

“ATTEN—TION!” Dr. Carbles hollered, and we all straightened up in our seats. “This school is pathetic! You are unruly! You are undisciplined! You are totally disrespectful! I won't stand for it!”

He was really mad!

“You don't go to school to have
fun
!” he shouted. “You go to school to
learn
, so you can get into college and have a productive life.”

“But I'm only in first grade!” said one of the first graders. Then she started to cry.

“Silence!” shouted Dr. Carbles. He cracked his whip, and everybody jumped. “There are going to be some changes around here. Mr. Klutz was too easy on you. There will be no more turkeys and silly costumes and contests. From now on we will focus on the four Rs: reading, writing, arithmetic, and rules.
^**
We're going to
turn you students into lean, mean learning machines. And if you don't like the way I do things, well, maybe you'd like to spend a little time in the dungeon on the third floor. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes, Dr. Carbles,” everybody mumbled.

“Children behave better when they're wearing uniforms,” Dr. Carbles told us. “So from now on, you will wear the official uniform of Ella Mentry School.”

The PTA moms went up and down the rows, passing out a bag to each of us.

“That's all for now,” Dr. Carbles said. “Any questions?”

“Can I go to the bathroom?” somebody asked.

“No!” Dr. Carbles yelled. “Weak bladders lead to weak minds. Do you think George Washington went to the bathroom when he was crossing the Delaware?”

“They had bathrooms on the Delaware?” asked Ryan.

“Will we still have recess?” somebody else asked.

“No!” Dr. Carbles yelled. “Recess is for wimps.”

“Will we still be allowed to play in the playground after school?” Michael asked.

“NO!” Dr. Carbles yelled. “You're going to MARCH in the playground after school.”

Sure enough, when the three-o'clock
bell rang, Dr. Carbles led us out onto the playground. We had to form a line, with the fifth graders at the front and the kindergarten trolls at the back.

“Left! Right! Left! Right!” Dr. Carbles yelled as we marched. “Stop lagging
behind, kindergarteners!”

Dr. Carbles had us march around the playground a million hundred times. I thought I was gonna die.

The next morning everybody was wearing the official school uniform. The boys had on light blue shirts, blue pants, and blue ties. The girls had on blue skirts with stripes on them.

I looked like a dork. But
everybody
looked like a dork, so I didn't feel so bad.

We were putting our backpacks away when Mrs. Patty's voice came over the loudspeaker.

“A.J., please report to Dr. Carbles's office.”

“Ooooooooooooooh!” everybody went.

“A.J. is absent today,” I lied.

“Get down here, A.J.,” said Mrs. Patty.

“Ooooooooooooooh!”

“You're in trouble, Arlo,” said Andrea.
Dr. Carbles is going to send you to jail.”

What did I do? I mean, I know I did a lot of bad stuff. But not recently. It had been
weeks
since I wrote in the boys' bathroom that Andrea was a poopy head. Maybe Dr. Carbles was going to torture me in the dungeon on the third floor. Who knew what he might do to me?

I decided to take my time getting to Dr. Carbles's office. So I started counting the tiles in the hallway.

Did you know that there are 4,324 tiles between Miss Daisy's class and Dr. Carbles's office? I didn't.

As I was walking down the hall, a thought popped into my head. Maybe Dr.
Carbles was going to give me a candy bar! One time I got in trouble and had to go to Mr. Klutz's office. I thought he was going to punish me, but he gave me a candy bar instead. It was the greatest day of my life.

Finally I opened the door to Dr. Carbles's office. It looked a lot different from when Mr. Klutz was principal. The cool snowboarding poster was gone. The Foosball table and the punching bag were gone. Do you know what Dr. Carbles had all over his office instead?

Fish!

There was a fish tank on the windowsill. There was a fishing pole in the
corner. Dr. Carbles even had a picture of himself with a giant fish he'd caught. There was even a real fish that was mounted on the wall.

People who like fish that much are weird.

“What took you so long?” Dr. Carbles asked.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. I had to think fast.

“I broke my leg,” I lied.

“Shake it off!” Dr. Carbles ordered. “Do you think a broken leg would have stopped George Washington when he was crossing the Delaware?”

“I guess not,” I said.

“A.J.,” he said more softly, “do you know why I called you in here?”

“Because I wrote in the boys' bathroom that Andrea was a poopy head?”

“What?” yelled Dr. Carbles. “You wrote in the boys' bathroom that Andrea was a poopy head?”

“Uh, no,” I said quickly. “What gave you that idea?” It was weird just hearing a principal say “poopy head.”

“A.J., can I be Frank?” Dr. Carbles asked.

“I don't care what you call yourself,” I told him.

“I asked you to come here because I need to talk with an average student,” he said. “Do you know why I fired Mr. Klutz?”

“Because he wanted to marry a turkey?” I guessed.

“No, I fired Mr. Klutz because he's incompetent.”

“He wears diapers?” I asked.

“Not incontinent!” Dr. Carbles yelled. “Incompetent! It means he didn't do a good job.”

“But we all love Mr. Klutz,” I said.

“A.J., I'm going to be Frank,” said Dr. Carbles.

“Okay, Frank. I'll be A.J.”

“I've never been a principal before,” he admitted. “This is all new to me. I need to know what it is about Mr. Klutz that you kids love so much.”

“I guess it's because he's silly,” I said. “Mr. Klutz is like a big kid.”

“A.J., let me be Frank,” said Dr. Carbles.

“I already said you could be Frank,” I told him.

“It's just not in my nature to be silly,” Dr. Carbles said. “When I see the shenanigans at your school, I'm disgusted.”

I didn't know what “shenanigans” were, but I didn't tell him that. I bet Andrea knows. She read the whole encyclopedia so she could show off how smart she is. What's up with that?

“If you don't like our shenanigans, maybe we could get some new shenanigans,” I suggested.

“A.J., let's be Frank,” Dr. Carbles said.

I slapped my forehead.

“You mean
both
of us?” I asked. “Won't that be confusing?”

“Enough! I know what you're trying to do, young man. You're trying to mess with my mind. Well, it won't work. Get out of my office!”

“Okay, Frank,” I said.

I got up to leave but stopped at the door.

“Can I have a candy bar, Frank?” I asked.

“No! And stop calling me Frank!”

Sheesh, what a sourpuss!
He's
the one who said to call him Frank.

If you ask me, Dr. Carbles needs to take a chill pill.