"Does it?"
"Not to me."
"But everyone's telling you you should care."
"Either explicitly or, you know— it's in the air. The atmosphere. At school everything's been split down the middle— sociologically. Either you're a goof and you know you'll end up at a party school, or you're a grind and expected to obsess on Stanford or the Ivy League. I
should
be a grind, because my grades are okay. I should have my nose glued to the SAT prep book, be filling out practice applications."
"When do you take the SAT?"
"I already took it. In December. We all did, just for practice. But I did okay enough, don't see why I should go through it again."
"What'd you get?"
She blushed again. "Fifteen-twenty."
"That's a fantastic score," I said.
"You'd be surprised. At PP, kids who get fifteen-eighty take it again. One kid had his parents write that he was American Indian so he'd get some kind of minority edge. I don't see the point."
"Neither do I."
"I honestly think that if you offered most of the senior class a deal to murder someone in order to be guaranteed admission to Harvard, Stanford or Yale, they'd take it."
"Pretty brutal," I said, fascinated by her choice of example.
"It's a brutal world out there," she said. "At least that's what my father keeps telling me."
"Does he want you to take the SAT again?"
"He pretends he's not pressuring me, but he lets me know he'll pay for it if I want to."
"Which is a kind of pressure."
"I suppose. You met him . . . What was that like?"
"What do you mean?"
"Did you get along? He told me you were smart, but there was something in his voice— like he wasn't sure about you." She cracked up. "I've got a big mouth. . . . Dad's super-active, always needs to keep moving, thinking, doing something. Mom's illness drove him crazy. Before she got sick, they were totally active together— jogging, dancing, tennis, traveling. When she stopped living, he was left on his own. It's made him cranky."
That sounded detached, a clinical assessment. The family observer? Sometimes kids assume that role because it's easier than participating.
"Tough adjustment for him," I said.
"Yes, but he finally caught on."
"About what?"
"About having to do things for himself. He always finds a way to adjust."
That sounded accusatory. My raised eyebrow was my next question.
She said, "His main way of handling stress is by staying on the go. Business trips. You know what he does, right?"
"Real-estate development."
She shook her head as if I'd gotten it wrong, but said, "Yes. Distressed properties. He makes money off other people's failures."
"I can see why he'd view the world as brutal."
"Oh yes. The brutal world of distressed
properties.
" She laughed and sighed and her hands loosened. Placing the big green book on an end table, she pushed it away. Her hands returned to her lap. Loose. Defenseless. Suddenly she was slumping like a teenager. Suddenly she seemed truly happy to be here.
"He calls himself a heartless capitalist," she said. "Probably because he knows that's what everyone else says. Actually, he's quite proud of himself."
Undertone of contempt, low and steady as a monk's drone. Deriding her father to a virtual stranger but doing it charmingly. That kind of easy seepage often means the lid's rising on a long-boiling pot.
I sat there, waiting for more. She crossed her legs, slumped lower, fluffed her hair, as if aiming for nonchalance.
Her shrug said, Your turn.
I said, "I get the feeling real estate isn't a strong interest of yours."
"Who knows? I'm thinking of becoming an architect, so I can't hate it that much. Actually, I don't hate business at all, not like some other kids do. It's just that I'd rather build something than be a . . . I'd rather be productive."
"Rather than be a what?"
"I was going to say scavenger. But that's not fair to my father. He doesn't cause anyone else to fail. He's just there to seek opportunities. Nothing wrong with that, it's just not what
I'd
like to do— actually, I have no
idea
what I'd like to do." She rang an imaginary bell. "Dah-
dah
, big insight. I have no
goals
."
"What about architecture?"
"I probably just say that to tell people something when they ask me. For all I know, I might end up despising architecture."
"Do any subjects in school interest you?" I said.
"I used to like science. For a while, I thought medicine might be a good choice. I took all the A.P. science courses, got fives on the exams. Now I don't know."
"What changed your mind?"
The death of your scientist mother?
"It just seems . . . well, for one, medicine's not what it used to be, is it? Becky told me her father can't stand his job anymore. All the HMOs telling him what he can and can't do. Dr. Manitow calls it
mis
managed care. After all that school, it would be nice to have some occupational freedom. Do you like
your
job?"
"Very much."
"Psychology," she said, as if the word were new. "I was more interested in real science— oh, sorry, that was rude! What I meant was hard science . . ."
"No offense taken." I smiled.
"I mean, I do respect psychology. I was just thinking more in terms of chemistry and biology. For myself. I'm good with organic things."
"Psychology
is
a soft science," I said. "That's part of what I like about it."
"What do you mean?" she said.
"The unpredictability of human nature," I said. "Keeps life interesting. Keeps me on my toes."
She thought about that. "I had one psych course, in my junior year. Non–honor track, actually a Mickey Mouse. But it ended up being interesting. . . . Becky went nuts with it, picking out every symptom we learned about and pinning it on someone. Then she got real cold to me— don't ask me why, I don't know. Don't care, either, we haven't shared common interests since the Barbies got stored in the closet. . . . No, I don't think any kind of medicine's for me. Frankly, none of it seems too scientific. My mother saw every species of doctor known to mankind and no one could do a thing for her. If I ever decide to do anything with my life, I think I'd like it to be more productive."
"Something with quick results?"
"Not necessarily quick," she said. "Just valid." She pulled the ponytail forward, played with the crimped edges. "So what if I'm unfocused. I'm the second child, isn't that normal? My brother has enough focus for both of us, knows exactly what he wants: to win the Nobel Prize in economics, then make billions. One day you'll read about him in
Fortune.
"
"That is pretty specific."
"Eric's always known what he wants. He's a genius— picked up
The Wall Street Journal
when he was five, read an article on supply and demand in the soybean market and gave his kindergarten class a lecture the next day."
"Is that a family tale?" I said.
"What do you mean?"
"It sounds like something you might've heard from your parents. Unless you remember it yourself. But you were only three."
"Right," she said. Confused. "I think I heard it from my father. Could've been my mother. Either of them. My father still tells the story. It probably
was
him."
Mental note:
What stories does Dad tell about Stacy?
"Does that mean something?" she said.
"No," I said. "I'm just interested in family tales. So Eric's focused."
"Focused and a genius. I mean that literally. He's the smartest person I've ever met. Not a nerd, either. Aggressive, tenacious. Once he sets his mind on something, he won't let go."
"Does he like Stanford?"
"He likes it, it likes him."
"Your parents went there?"
"Family tradition."
"Does that put pressure on you to go there, as well?"
"I'm sure Dad would be thrilled. Assuming I'd get in."
"You don't think you would?"
"I don't know— don't really care."
I'd put some space between our chairs, careful not to crowd her. But now her body arched forward, as if yearning for touch. "I'm not putting myself down, Dr. Delaware. I know I'm smart enough. Not like Eric, but smart enough. Yes, I probably could get in, if for no other reason than I'm a multiple legacy. But the truth is, all that is wasted on me
— smarts
are wasted on me. I really couldn't care less about intellectual goals or tackling challenges or changing the world or making big bucks. Maybe that sounds airheady, but that's the way it is."
She sat back. "How much time do we have left, please? I forgot my watch at home."
"Twenty minutes."
"Ah. Well . . ." She began studying the office walls.
"Busy day?" I said.
"No, easy day, as a matter of fact. It's just that I told my friends I'd meet them at the Beverly Center. Lots of good sales on, perfect time to do some airhead shopping."
I said, "Sounds like fun."
"Sounds mindless."
"Nothing wrong with leisure."
"I should just enjoy my life?"
"Exactly."
"Exactly," she repeated. "Just have fun." Tears welled in her eyes. I handed her a tissue. She took it, crushed the paper, enveloping it with a fine-boned, ivory fist.
"Let's," she said, "talk about my mother."
• • •
I saw her thirteen times. Twice a week for four weeks, then five weekly sessions. She was punctual, cooperative, filled the first half of each session with edgy fast-talk about movies she'd seen, books she'd read, school, friends. Keeping the inevitable at bay, then finally relenting. Her decision, no prodding from me.
The final twenty minutes of each session reserved for her mother.
No more tears, just soft-spoken monologues, heavy with obligation. She'd been sixteen when Joanne Doss began falling apart, remembered the decline, as had her father, as gradual, insidious, ending in grotesquerie.
"I'd look at her and she'd be lying there. Passive— even before, she was always kind of passive. Letting my father make all the decisions— she'd cook dinner but
he'd
determine the menu. She was a pretty good cook, as a matter of fact, but what she made never seemed to matter to her. Like it was her job and she was going to do it and do it well, but she wouldn't pretend to be . . . inspired. Once, years ago, I found this little menu box and she'd put in all these dinner plans, stuff she cut out of magazines. So once upon a time, I guess she cared. But not when I was around."
"So your dad had all the opinions in the family," I said.
"Dad and Eric."
"Not you?"
Smile. "Oh, I have a few, too, but I tend to keep them to myself."
"Why's that?"
"I've found that a good strategy."
"For what?"
"A pleasant life."
"Do Eric and your father exclude you?"
"No, not at all— not consciously, anyway. It's just that the two of them have this . . . let's just call it a big male thing. Two major brains speeding along. Jumping in would be like hopping on a moving train— good metaphor, huh? Maybe I should use it in English class. My teacher's a real pretentious snot, loves metaphors."
"So joining in's dangerous," I said.
She pressed a finger to her lower lip. "It's not that they put me down. . . . I guess I don't want them to think I'm stupid. . . . They're just . . . they're a
pair
, Dr. Delaware. When Eric's home, sometimes it's like having Dad in duplicate."
"And when Eric's not home?"
"What do you mean?"
"Do you and your father interact?"
"We get along, it's just that he travels and we have different interests. He's into collecting, I couldn't care less about accumulating stuff."
"Collecting what?"
"First it was paintings— California art. Then he sold those for a giant profit and got into Chinese porcelain. The house is filled with walls and walls of the stuff. Han dynasty, Sung dynasty, Ming dynasty, whatever. I appreciate it. It's beautiful. I just can't get into accumulating. I guess he's an optimist, buying porcelain in earthquake country. He putties it down with this wax the museums use, but still. If the Big One comes, our house will be one big crockery disaster zone."
"How did it fare during the last quake?"
"He didn't have it back then. He got into it when Mom started to get sick."
"Do you think there's a connection?" I said.
"Between what?"
"Getting into porcelain and your mother becoming ill."
"Why should there be— oh I see. She couldn't do things with him anymore, so he learned to amuse himself. Yes, maybe. Like I said, he knows how to adapt."