Reed was quiet, warmhearted and easygoing. The kind of guy everyone wanted to be friends with.
Austin was happy, always laughing. He ran a successful accounting business, coached baseball, and was known as a devoted family man.
Mason was the cocky one—loaded with swagger and confidence. He was also funny and a little intense at times.
And Kyle was a natural fit as the oldest. He was intelligent, but not just in the cerebral, surgeon kind of way. He knew how to read people and was measured and fair. His devotion to those he loved ran deep, and now I knew of his commanding, sexy side. He put others first. Fierce when he needed to be, he was most often strong in a quiet way. And the tenderness he kept locked inside his heart, that few people ever got to see, made me ache with want for him.
I closed my eyes and breathed in the scent of the roses. The sadness remained, though, because it was his warm, clean scent I wanted to be near right now.
Would I have been better off if I’d never offered to help Jordan and Eric with their homework? If I’d thanked Kyle for my test results on the phone that day and gone back to my quiet, predictable life, I wouldn’t have cried myself to sleep the past three nights.
If I’d never fallen for Kyle, I wouldn’t be pained by the thought of life without him now. If I’d never gotten close to Jordan and Eric, I wouldn’t be tearing up every time I looked at pictures of them on my phone.
I’d be the same Meredith I’d always been. That lonely, independent daydreamer who ran from confrontation felt so far away now. In a month, I’d come closer to the woman I truly wanted to be than I’d ever thought possible.
And it was my feelings for Kyle, Jordan, and Eric that had brought me here. So no, I wouldn’t have traded it for anything. The pain was worth it, because I knew it was possible for me to feel
right
with people. So many of the feelings I’d felt in the past month—completely content, hopeful, protective, overjoyed, sexy, and confident—were new for me.
Those feelings were
so good
. I didn’t want to lose them. I didn’t want to lose Kyle, Jordan, and Eric.
I could never completely lose them—I knew that. In a way, they were all part of me now. The valuable, intangible milestones we’d reached together would always be real. But I sensed that things would never be the same. Kim wouldn’t let us keep this happiness we’d found.
Kyle and I had been texting and talking on the phone, but I hadn’t seen him since leaving his house three days ago, and he hadn’t pressed it. Between work, making sure the boys were safe, talking to them about their mom being in Lovely, and working out a meeting between them and her, he’d been busy.
These were the things I’d wanted to give him space for. But I missed him all the same.
I picked up my phone and smiled at the picture on my home screen. It was a selfie Kyle had taken of the two of us, his long arm able to capture it better than I could have. He was standing behind me, an arm around my waist and his head against mine. Taken last week, it made me remember the blissfulness I’d felt before his ex-wife had walked in on us banging in his kitchen.
God, the horror was still a bit fresh. I’d been moaning like a porn star, completely into the hard, passionate sex we were having. To know anyone had witnessed something so intimate between the two of us was bad enough, but his ex-wife? Ugh.
I slid my finger across the screen of my phone and texted Kyle.
Me: I got the flowers. They’re so beautiful. Thank you.
Kyle: You’re welcome. I’ll send flowers every day until I see you again. Should have sent them the past three days, too.
Me: You don’t need to do that.
Kyle: Either come see me, or clear lots of space on your desk.
Me: I miss you, you know I do. How are the boys?
Kyle: They’re good. Austin and Hannah are having Kim over to their place tonight for a visit with the boys. We got the ground rules all worked out.
Me: I’m so glad to hear that. The boys must be excited.
Kyle: They are. She’ll have some tough questions to answer, though.
Me: J & E deserve to ask those questions.
Kyle: Come over tonight. I need to see you.
Part of me wanted to. I missed him badly. But things were emotionally intense right now, and I foresaw us having sex. It would either be the dirtiest, most gratifying sex ever or the kind of slow, sensual sex that would leave me bawling and professing my undying love for him.
It didn’t feel right to be doing that while Jordan and Eric were doing something so big and important. Something that could leave them feeling confused and hurt if Kim didn’t handle it well.
Me: I can’t.
Kyle: I’m going fucking crazy from not seeing you.
Me: No. We’d end up having sex.
Kyle: And that’s a bad thing? Are we not doing that anymore???
Me: Not tonight. I’ll be thinking about the boys. If it goes badly, they could come home early. And you need to be fully clothed and ready to comfort them.
Kyle: Okay, I agree. So no sex, then. I’ll make dinner and we’ll talk.
Me: Not tonight. The kids need just their dad tonight.
Kyle: Then, when?
Me: Soon.
Kyle: Do you not want to be with me anymore?
Me: Stop jumping to conclusions. I’m crazy about you, and you know it.
Kyle: I’m meeting with Reed, Kim, and Kim’s attorney on Friday. I’ll know a lot more after that.
Me: Good. Let me know how it goes.
Kyle: I have to go, I’m at work. But I need you to take a pic of yourself right now and send it to me.
Me: Why??
Kyle: Just do it. Please.
I snapped a quick selfie and sent it, my expression awkward because smiling felt wrong.
Kyle: Got it. Thanks.
Me: What was that about?
Kyle: Needed to see if you were still wearing the necklace. Talk later.
I set my phone on the desk and reached for the silver “M” pendant hanging around my neck. Of course I was still wearing it.
There was another knock at my door, and I got up to answer it, hoping it would be one of my less chatty coworkers.
But when I opened the door, it wasn’t one of my coworkers standing there. It was Ivy Lockhart.
“Hi,” she said with a slight smile. “Do you have a minute? If not, I can come back.”
It took me a few seconds to recover enough from the surprise to answer. “No, come in. Of course. Come on in.”
She smiled again and stepped inside.
Ivy was beautiful in a very rare way. She had perfect, fair skin, bright blue eyes, and auburn hair that fell just past her shoulders. There was a warmth and grace about her, though, that set her apart from the crowd.
“I feel bad that we’ve not officially met,” she said, sitting down in the chair across from my desk. “I’m glad we can talk for a little bit, finally.”
“Me too.” I walked around to my side of the desk and sat in my chair. “Would you like a drink? I’ve got a mini fridge.”
“I’m good, thanks.” She set her bag down beside the chair and rested a hand on her belly.
She was pregnant. I sensed it immediately, but I made sure not to show any reaction.
“Can we just decide here and now that things aren’t going to be awkward between us?” she said. “I don’t want that.”
“No, I don’t either. I really appreciate you coming to see me.”
“I have a feeling you and I will get along well. I’m not the sort of woman who resents the relationships Reed had before we even met. I’m secure in my marriage, you know?”
I loved her. It wasn’t just the realization that she and I weren’t going to hate each other, but genuine warmth and admiration.
“You should feel that way. Reed is head over heels for you. You know, I ran into him at the grocery store once right after you guys got engaged, and I told him how happy I was for you both. I wish I’d told you, too. I just didn’t know if you’d want to hear it from me.”
“I understand.”
“I’ll say it now. I’m thrilled for you.”
She smiled. “Thanks.” She gestured at the enormous vase of flowers on the corner of my desk. “From Kyle?”
I flushed a little. “Yes.”
“So pretty. It does my heart so good to see him feeling this way about you.”
Though I wanted to say something, nothing felt right. I just looked at Ivy helplessly instead.
“I know,” she said, nodding. “Things must be tough for you right now.”
“Not as tough as they are for him and the boys.”
“They’ll get through it. I’ve seen them pull together to get through worse, you know. When Kim left . . .” She shook her head. “It was hard. Kyle was a workaholic back then. He left most of the parenting to Kim and didn’t want to see what everyone else was seeing when her drinking took a turn for the worse.”
“So his whole life changed when she left.”
“For the better,” Ivy said. “It was tough to watch the three of them trying to find a new normal, but that normal is much healthier and happier for all of them. Kyle rose to the occasion and became the father he was meant to be.”
Tears clouded my vision as I imagined him finding the strength to cut back on work and be the one person in the world who would never let Jordan and Eric down.
“Grace tried to step in,” Ivy said. “She told Kyle she’d take care of the boys and the house for him. Actually, she insisted on it. Grace can be a little . . .
much
on occasion, between you and me.”
I smiled and forced myself not to laugh. “Um . . . I won’t argue with that.”
“But Kyle refused. He wanted to do it all himself. And when he figured it out . . .” Her expression softened. “It was something special to see. I used to be a single mom, and I’ve got a soft spot for Kyle.”
“Believe me, I understand.”
Ivy sat forward in her chair. “You probably already know enough about his marriage to Kim. She wasn’t a good wife in any way.”
“Did you hear what happened?” I asked, my cheeks warming.
“When?”
“How Kyle found out she was back?”
She shook her head.
I arched my brows and dove right in. “We were . . . Well, there’s no delicate way to say it. I was bent over his kitchen island, if you know what I mean.”
Her mouth formed an “O” of amusement.
“Yeah.” I smiled.
“And she just walked in his house and . . . ?”
“Yeah . . . walked in and screamed at him and then at me. About how she’s been sick, wants her family back, is broke . . . yada, yada, yada.”
“Ouch.”
“It was pretty awful.”
“Well, they’ve been divorced for almost a year, so she’s delusional for saying she wants her family back. That’s over.”
I nodded. “But she’s still Jordan and Eric’s mom.”
“She is. And when I heard it was you who encouraged Kyle to let her see the boys, with ground rules, well . . . that’s what made me come here to see you.”
“You think that was a bad idea?”
She smiled. “No. I think you’re pretty amazing. You put Jordan and Eric’s needs first and might have been the only person who could convince Kyle it was the right call. I spend time with the boys, and I know they miss their mom. Flawed as she is, they love her.”
“That’s nice of you to say about me. It’s nice to know you agree, too. I’m worried about how it will go when they see her.”
“I need to tell you something, and it may sound more blunt and intrusive than I intend it to.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “Go ahead.”
“Kyle asked me and Reed to come over yesterday evening. The boys were out back swimming. That was when he told us about you convincing him to let Kim see the kids. He looked like hell.”
I sighed sadly. “He has to be a wreck, worrying about what will happen with the boys.”
“He’s a wreck because he’s worried about what will happen with
you
.”
“You think?”
“I
know
. He wanted to ask Reed if he had any insight into how you might be feeling right now.”
“Oh. Well, that’s . . . unexpected. We’ve hardly spoken in the past eight years.”
“Kyle’s pretty desperate. And I came here to see if his suspicions are right. Are you backing away from him because of Kim?”
I looked down at my lap. “It’s not because of her, exactly. It’s because I think he needs space to deal with this Kim stuff.”
“He’s got an outstanding attorney to handle the Kim stuff.”
I smiled at that. “He does. I just . . . don’t know where I fit in now, you know? Grace just agreed to tolerate me like five minutes ago, and then Kim comes rolling into town with her claws out. And Kyle and I are still a new thing.”
“What do
you
want your place to be with him?”
I took a deep breath and let it out, considering. “I knew what I wanted before she got here. It was what we already had. I wanted to be close to him and the boys and hope that maybe . . . one day, he could love me.”
My pulse raced as I admitted it. I wanted that more than anything.
“And now what do you want your place to be?” Ivy asked me.
“I guess I don’t know what the options are. Is Kim staying here? Because if so, I don’t want it to seem like I’m competing for the boys’ affections.”
“
If
she stays here, which is a big if, the best she can hope for is supervised visitation that one day becomes unsupervised. Kyle is very, very unlikely to be forced to share custody with her.”
I nodded. “That’s good to know.”
She smiled. “Okay, we’ve arrived at the blunt part I mentioned. Do you love Kyle?”
My instinct was to deflect or to offer a half answer because of the part of me that still feared rejection. But there was something so genuine about Ivy that I decided to just be honest.
“Yes.”
“Then don’t run. He needs you more than ever. That man has never had a woman love him unconditionally. Go over there and tell him that ten thousand rabid ex-wives wouldn’t keep you away from him.”
“He’s worried I’ll run out on him like I did Reed,” I said, sighing. “But that was so different.”
“It’s not just your history, but also his. He’s only had a woman who set conditions for everything. He wanted to stay in Lovely, she wanted to move to California. So she made building that house a condition of staying here. If he wanted sex, she wanted plastic surgery.”