Authors: Marian Tee
I hate it that he’s making me cry, but I hate it even more that he’s making me feel ashamed of what Yuki and I had.
“It wasn’t all sex between us,” I whisper, even though I feel like I’m lying.
Worse, Jason seems to know it, too.
He lowers himself wearily to his seat, moving like an old man. “Stop making excuses for him. I don’t blame you. I’ve…I’ve kept you too sheltered. He took advantage of you.”
“He
didn’t
take advantage of me. It’s not like he’s some kind of pedophile! He’s
younger
than me, for God’s sake!”
Jason flinches. “Then I’m even sorrier to hear that. It seems I truly failed you as a father.”
The pain on my dad’s face doesn’t make me feel better.
“Dad, I
love
him.” I feel like it’s the only thing I can say to make it right.
“It’s just infatuation.”
“No. It’s not. I really love him.”
“You’ll get over it in time.”
“I won’t.” I wipe my tears away. “I wish I can, really. I know it’s better for me. You guessed right. He
doesn’t
love me. But it didn’t – it doesn’t matter. I really love him.”
Jason’s face turns red again. “
Love
is not what you’re feeling. I heard what you said! I know what you’ve done! That’s not love! That’s
sex
! You’re obsessed with having sex with him, and I can’t believe I have a daughter like you!”
I sort of expected that he’d get around to saying that sooner or later. I just didn’t realize it would hurt this much.
Jason looks like he wants to take the words back. For both our sakes, I wish he could. But he can’t. What I can do, though, is to leave. And I do, without saying a word – for both our sakes.
I call Yuki. I text Yuki. I don’t stop until my fingers start hurting.
But he doesn’t answer.
“What was that?” Lace blurts out loudly when Yuki just walks past us in school the next morning, not looking, not speaking, a god who doesn’t give a shite about the toys he’s discarded.
“I think he’s just given me the cut direct.” I wipe my clammy hands on my skirt, using the action to hide my hands from plain sight because I don’t want even Lace to see how much they’re shaking.
I can’t stop staring at Yuki’s back, and my heart doesn’t stop racing faster and faster as the yawning gap between us stretches farther and farther.
This is just a temporary setback, I try to convince myself. Dad’s just scared him away, but we can fix this. I can and I
will
fix this.
Lace follows my gaze, and she still sounds confused when she asks, “A what?”
“A cut direct.” I continue staring at Yuki, knowing all the while that people are starting to stare at me, too. Lovesickness is a disease that has the grossest odor imaginable, and it’s making everyone sniff my way.
“And I ask again, a what?” Lace forces me to turn to her.
Her lips part in a silent gasp.
I guess she’s seen I’m just a nudge away from crying my heart out. I start to babble – my best defense mechanism against breaking down. “A cut direct’s basically a kind of social snub. I came across it when researching for a potential arc for my
manga.
It’s what A-listers in 19
th
century England do when they feel like a D-lister is trying to schmooze his or her way into their circle.”
“Never mind that.” I don’t think Lace has even heard a word of what I said. “Just go after Yuki. I think you need to before you…” She trails off uncomfortably.
I don’t need another word of encouragement. I sprint after Yuki. When he glances my way, he freezes for a moment – just before he starts tossing his stuff into his locker like a demon’s after him.
I guess that makes me the demon.
“Hey.” I manage to reach his side just as he slams his locker door shut.
“Hey.” Reluctance underlines his movement as he slowly lowers his bag to the floor.
Awkward.
I wet my suddenly dry lips. The way he’s acting, I feel like I should have made an appointment first before going to him. “I tried calling and texting you last night. Did you get it?”
“43 missed calls, 24 messages.”
Arse.
He makes me feel like a stalker. When he still doesn’t want to meet my eyes, I say unevenly, “If this is about what happened last night---”
“It’s not.”
“Then what
is
it?”
Yuki shakes his head, hair falling over to cover his gaze even more. “Nothing.”
His words don’t sound right to my ears. I keep waiting for him to call me
senpai
, but he doesn’t. Why won’t he?
I start to babble. “If this is about my dad, I’m sorry, okay? He overreacted. But he’ll come around. We just have to---” When he takes out his phone from his pocket and starts texting, I lose it. “
Why are you being such a jerk
?”
Yuki takes his time returning his phone to his pocket. “Actually, I’ve been doing my best not to be a jerk since last night, but it’s like you’re pretending you don’t get it.”
His voice gives me goose bumps. It reminds me of the times he speaks to Sascha. Am I someone like Sascha to him now?
For the first time in my life, I try not to let my crazy imagination get the better of me. Everything it’s suggesting is crap anyway. I say slowly, “If it’s not about what Dad said last night, then…did something happen to you…in your home?” What if Sascha went psycho on him last night? “If this is about your mom---”
“
No.
It’s not about your dad. It’s not about my mom. It’s not about our parents. It’s about…” Yuki looks like he wants to smash something because he can’t smash
me.
“Do you really need me to spell it out?”
I say helplessly, “Yes.”
Yuki moves forward until we’re kissing close, but now it doesn’t feel dangerously sexy. It still makes my heart race, but it’s not for the right reasons.
He raises his hand, knuckles grazing my cheek as he starts to speak. In
Japanese
. It’s all the sign I need to know that I’m in deep shite. If he speaks using his language, then he can hurt me with his words while smiling his angel’s smile. No one in the entire school would know they’re murder witnesses till it’s too late.
Gods are so smart.
“Do you know why I only date girls with boyfriends?”
I shake my head mutely.
“It’s because we’re clear about using each other. About taking advantage of each other. They don’t love me, and I didn’t love any of them. What we had between us was just sex. When I told you Anika wasn’t my girlfriend, I meant it. Because she wasn’t. After we started going out, I overheard my mom and Anika talking, and I found out she’s been
paying
Anika to keep me on a fucking leash.”
His knuckles continue to caress my cheek, but somehow it feels like he’s punching my face with it. “And didn’t you used to wonder why I’m always careful to play nice?”
He doesn’t wait for my reply. “It’s the same reason why I never bothered to tell Anika the truth. I want to know who’s going to try using me – the way my mom keeps using my dad.” A harsh laugh slips past Yuki’s compressed lips. “He’s a fucking genius in business, but he’s an idiot around her.”
Yuki’s life sounds something straight out of a
manga.
I wish it was, honestly. Even if it meant he’d be with Anika happily ever after. At least I’d know he’s happy and not all emotionally twisted like he is now.
“I’m sorry.” It’s all I can think of saying.
“Don’t be. Because I’m sorry, too. For
you
.” He gently wipes the lone tear tracking my cheek. “Do you want to know why I wanted you to be my toy?”
So far, all the things he’s been saying are things I don’t want to know because what hurts him hurts me. But I nod anyway. Maybe I’m wrong, but it feels like Yuki’s dying to get all these things off his chest. If listening to him is all it takes to have him stop hurting, then I’m all for it.
“Since then, I’ve never dated any girl who didn’t have a boyfriend until you. No one I met was like you. I just knew right away that Sascha couldn’t get to you – because what you wanted she can never give.”
I rear back even before he speaks, knowing what he’s going to say but hoping anyway that he won’t be such a world-class arse and say---
“Sascha doesn’t have a dick, but I do.”
I try to slap him, but he easily catches it and kisses my palm instead. It’s the first time I hate his touch.
“Oh, don’t be shy now. We both know you’re obsessed with having sex with me.”
“It’s not like that!” It’s not. It’s not.
Yuki lets go of my hand so he can twirl a lock of my hair around his finger, but I know it’s really
me
he has wrapped around it.
“You’re so easy to turn on you’re a dream come true for any guy. You did everything I asked. You really did act like a toy---”
“Stop acting like a jerk! It’s not funny anymore.”
Yuki makes a second twirl of my hair. “But then you had to ruin it by falling in love with me.” Yuki pauses.
Panic bubbles inside me start to swirl up. I’m beginning to hate these unique Himura-style pauses.
“That was your chance to tell me you don’t love me.”
How the bloody hell was I supposed to know that? I’m still reeling from being called d…d…from being obsessed with willies!
“You’re right,” I say, even though I know it’s too late. “I don’t.”
Another cruel smile slashes his face. “You do, which is just too bad. I would have been the best sex in your life, you know. I would have made you happy. You would never have needed any other guy if you just listened to me.” Yuki releases my hair. Releases me.
Behind me, fading noise from the background brushes against my mind, which is still caught up in a swirl of painful images that Yuki’s words created. I can still feel other students staring at us even though I’m pretty sure none of them understands a word we’re saying.
I try to think of something to say that would make a god sit up and listen, but my entire mental bank of Words-of-the-Day fail me. “Love is never supposed to be a bad thing, Yuki. It’s…
nice.
”
“Nice.” Yuki spits the word back at me. “So nice my dad chooses my mom over me all the time because he
loves
her?”
Yuki’s lids fall close, as if the memories he’s unearthing hurt even now. “When my dad had a stroke a year ago, he had to give me power of attorney to sign documents for him. It got me access to all his contracts, and that’s when I found out he knew about my mom’s affairs all along.”
“Before they even got married, a guy tried selling him a
sex tape
he had with my mom. It was shot during my dad’s first anniversary with her.”
From Russia with Love.
“He tried to kill himself. Because he
loved
her. They broke up, but when he started earning millions, she begged to take him back, begged him to forgive her. And he did, because he
loved
her. When I told him about what I saw, he
knew
I was telling the truth but pretended not to because he couldn’t bear to face it. Because he
loved
her.”
“And you know what the sickest thing is? After that, he made her sign a contract describing
everything
she did, everything that happened between them. And at the end of it all, he made a fucking clause where my mom won’t get anything if
I
catch her cheating again. Not him. Me. He couldn’t bear asking her to go because he fucking
loves
her.”
Yuki’s lids lift, but his smile still doesn’t reach his eyes. “Do you get it now? Do you get how stupid and sick that feeling is? My dad doesn’t even care if he catches her cheating. He doesn’t---”
“I get it!” I’ll say anything just to stop Yuki from talking, can’t bear seeing Yuki hurting himself like this.
“Do you? Do you, really? You say you
love
me, but do you think that’s going to make me happy? You remind me of my dad, and it makes me
sick
. Just standing next to you like this makes me want to throw up.”
Yuki’s words come back to haunt me.
You don’t shit where you eat.
I guess that makes me shit.
The silence between us stretches, hurting like an old festering wound that Yuki’s words have reopened. I feel like he’s waiting for me to say something again, but it’s bloody impossible. I think I’ve missed a memo or something, and everyone’s got their bloody scripts but me.