Dreaming in Dairyland (12 page)

Authors: Kirsten Osbourne

He drew a deep breath. "One day in late January, we were on our way to dinner, and she'd talked me into letting her listen to music. She was car dancing like a crazy woman, and I saw people in a couple of other cars look over at us. We must have looked crazy. I was this straight laced white cop, and she was this young black woman, bobbing up and down and doing all these hand motions. I pointed out how we looked, and she suggested we turn the music up louder and open the windows so they could hear, because she was convinced anyone hearing that music would be forced to dance with her."

Cissie smiled at that. Chaynade did sound like her.

"While she was car dancing and I was driving merrily to the diner of our choice, we got a call on the radio for any available units. There was a robbery at a convenience store we'd just passed, so she turned down the music and gave our location, and I whipped a u-turn and headed back toward the store. We were the first unit on the scene, and I told her to wait for me before jumping out of the car, but she was young, and hard-headed, and she ran inside, leaving her car door open. She hadn't even drawn her gun yet. She knew better. I'd read her the riot act for not having her gun at the ready more times than I could count by then." He stood up and started pacing as he talked. He was obviously upset, and Cissie wanted to get up and hold him, but she'd promised to be quiet, so she was.

"I ran after her, but was a few seconds behind, which seemed to always happen. I thought of her as a younger sister, and I felt like it was my job to protect her, something she never let me do, of course." He stopped pacing for a moment and looked at her. "Life is so fragile. You never know when someone you love is going to die, and you'll never get to see them again. Never get to tell them what they meant to you."

It was all Cissie could do not to get up off the couch and run to him, but she knew he needed to finish his story without any interruptions.

"So I ran after her into the store, just in time to see her throw her body over a little girl who was crying. The perp lifted his gun and shot. He said something about warning the little girl to stop crying first, but it was too quick. He shot Chaynade. I didn't take the time to look. I shot him twice, in the chest. I knew he was dead." He sucked in a breath. "It's the only time I've ever killed anyone, and it was hard, but I'd do it again and again if I could bring her back."

Cissie closed her eyes, feeling his pain.

"Chay was gone before I could do anything. The little girl was still crying. Her mom had been shot, was unconscious, but they both lived. But not Chay. She was one of those special people, the kind that makes everyone around them happy just by living. Someone like you." His breathing was ragged, like he'd been crying, but his eyes were dry. "I spent the rest of the night being questioned by the chief and then the department shrink. That's what happens when you shoot someone. Or your partner dies. Hopefully never both on the same night."

"Oh, Bob! I'm sorry!" Cissie got up and ran to him, throwing her arms around him and holding him tight. She had tears streaming down her face.

Bob buried his face in her hair. He had to finish it, or he'd never be able to. "So I went home that night, and Tanya was mad, because I'd forgotten to call. She told me my job was always more important than her. That she always came last. It wasn't true. It was never true. She never mattered as much as you do, though." He moved back to the couch, keeping an arm around her the whole way. "So the nightmares started immediately. I'd wake up in a cold sweat, yelling for her. Telling her not to go into the store without me. To wait for me." He looked at her. "Is that what you've experienced?"

She nodded. "It is."

"After a month of that, Tanya told me she wasn't going to spend the rest of her life with a broken man, so if I couldn't get it together, and do it quickly, there was no place for me in her life. She was gone within two months of the shooting." He shrugged. "At first, I didn't even know how to respond. I was seeing the department shrink. He'd put me on a leave of absence because I was taking it so hard. Chaynade's parents kept in touch with me, talking over and over about how much they appreciated that I'd avenged her death."

"You did the right thing, killing him, you know."

Bob nodded. "I do know that, but I wish there'd been some other way. I wish I could have taken him in and made him suffer for the rest of his life for what he did to her. That little girl sends me a Christmas card every year. And every year she thanks me for saving her and her mommy. And every year, it breaks my heart, because I wasn't thinking about her and her mommy when I shot him. I was thinking about my partner, and how she'd never car dance again. How she'd never marry the boy whose ring she wore. How she'd never have the three point seven children she always talked about." He shook his head. "I killed him because I wanted him dead. I could easily have shot the gun out of his hand, but I didn't."

Cissie wondered if anyone had ever told him he'd done the right thing and held him since the shooting. There was Bob, tough for everyone else, but no one was tough for him. "You want to know what I think?"

Bob looked at her face, really looked at her for the first time since he'd started his story. Her face was covered with tears. "I do."

"I think Tanya should be—I'd say shot, but that would be terribly insensitive. Something awful should happen to her. Maybe she should be put in a pit filled with rattlesnakes. Or we could drag her behind a car. Or—I can think of a number of things I'd like to do to that witch. And I do mean witch with a capital B." She shook her head. "You did your job, and you did the right thing. You're a good man. Of course, you have nightmares about it still. Why wouldn't you?" She shook her head. "Tanya should have held you after it happened. She should have told you she still loved you, because you're a wonderful, lovable person, Bob. Would you mind giving me her address? Please?"

Bob gave a half laugh, dragging her against him. "You are ten times the woman Tanya was. She did me a favor, and I can see that now. If she hadn't left, I'd have been stuck with her, but I know now I never loved her. How could I love her when my heart has been waiting for you for all this time?"

Cissie buried her face in his shoulder, happy to be in his arms. Happy to feel at home. Finally, she understood what he'd been hiding, and it hadn't been a terrible thing. "Why didn't you want to tell me what happened?" she asked. That was the one thing she couldn't understand.

"Because I was afraid you'd leave, like Tanya did. I thought that somehow I was defective." He rested his cheek on the top of her head. "I thought it was my fault it happened."

"How on earth could you blame yourself? You told her to stay in the car, right?" Cissie couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"Yes, but—"

"You ran after her as fast as you could, right?"

He nodded.

"Then you did what you could! You are not at fault. The only one at fault that day is the man who was holding up the convenience store." She stroked his cheek. "You have to believe me when I say that. It's
not
your fault!" If she did nothing else in her life, she had to convince him of that.

"I'll try."

"What did the department shrink say about fault?" she asked softly.

"He said I need to quit blaming myself." Bob sighed. "He also said the nightmares would keep escalating until I told you. I didn't want to tell you, Cissie."

"I know you didn't, but I'm glad you did. How can I help you heal if I don't know you're injured?"

"How are you going to help me heal anyway?" he asked, confused.

"I'll have to kiss all of your booboos, of course."

Bob grinned. "That just might help."

*****

They had dinner out that night, neither of them feeling like cooking. When they got home, Cissie hugged Bob tightly. "Thank you for telling me what you did. I knew you were hiding something, and I was falling in love with you, and it was about to kill me. I couldn't love a man I couldn't trust, but I couldn't trust a man who couldn't trust me. Am I making any kind of sense at all?"

Bob nodded. "You are. I do love you, Cissie."

Cissie smiled. "I know. I love you, too." She stood on tiptoes, kissing him softly.

He pulled her even closer. "I was afraid you'd never say that to me. We got off to a rocky start, thanks to my secrets."

"We did. Next time you marry a random stranger, you should be more honest about stuff from the beginning. It'll make things easier for you."

Bob just glared at her. "Now why would I ever do that again? I'm married to the woman I love, who just said she loves me back. There's no way I'm going through that again."

"Going through that?" Cissie asked in mock-anger. "Are you kidding me? You make me sound like some huge ordeal you just had to live through."

He laughed. "Well you were a bit difficult to deal with. I mean, how many virgin brides are practically stripping their husbands while they're still in the church?"

"Oh, quit bragging. You know you loved it!"

Bob laughed. "I love everything about you, Cissie Anderson."

Epilogue

Bob stomped the snow off his shoes before he opened the door to the house, finding Cissie curled up under a quilt on the couch. "You're home early. Are you sick?"

Cissie smiled up at him as he leaned down to kiss her before she even answered. That's what being married was all about. Not caring if the other person was sick and kissing them anyway.

"No, I took the day off today so I could go to the doctor, remember? I told you I was going to."

He nodded. "Yeah, I remember." They'd been married over a year, and were about to celebrate their second Christmas together. His nightmares still came, but they were getting further and further apart. "How'd it go?"

Cissie smiled. "Well, it looks like Cindy's little girl is going to have a friend."

"You mean—"

"I do mean. I took a test a couple of days ago, but I just wanted to be certain before I told you. We're having our own in about seven months."

He sat down beside her, almost afraid to touch her. "Are you happy about it? I know you always said you didn't really want a baby."

She shrugged. "I think I am. I'm having a really hard time with morning sickness, and I'm not sure why they call it morning sickness, because it's starting when I get up and going until I go to bed."

"Are you going to be okay?"

"Yes, I'll be fine, but the doctor doesn't want me working a lot of hours until my stomach calms. Jason is going to take over as manager for a while. I'll go in at least a couple of times a week so I can monitor him, but he's going to run things."

"Wow. I can go back to day shift!"

She laughed. "I know how much you hate nights. Yeah, go back to days. And I may not go back to working any more than a couple of hours twice a week. I may just decide to be a stay at home mom."

"Just so long as you don't abandon your karaoke fans."

She laughed. "I think they'd survive if I did."

"Have you told Cindy?"

She shook her head. "I wanted you to know first. I'll tell her tomorrow when we meet for lunch." Cindy was six months along, and she was craving everything bad for her. Fried cheese curds and root beer were just what she wanted.

"I'm coming too!"

"Of course. You're going to be a wonderful father, Deputy Bob."

"What do you want to name him?"

Cissie glared at him. "He's a she. We're naming him Roberta, Bobbi for short."

Bob groaned. "I have seven months to talk you out of that."

"You can try..."

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