Drifting into Darkness (27 page)

I could feel my skin flush as I watched him pace back and forth. It was unnerving and I wished he’d sit down. I knew this would upset him, but I asked anyway. I needed to know what was going on. In order to get the thoughts of him possibly running to Shannon out of my head, I needed to know what she was talking about.

“What exactly did she say to you?” He stopped pacing and stood with his hands on his hips.

I felt like I was on trial or something. “Her exact words?” I mocked. I was getting defensive. “She yelled in the middle of the grocery aisle telling me that she hoped I liked to share. Then she proceeded to tell me that you always go back to her and I should ask you about Kelly.” I was breathing heavily after saying all of that in one breath.

His expression went completely blank before he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. I knew bringing up Kelly would cause a reaction, and I felt bad for bringing up his pain. I should just tell him to forget it, it didn’t really matter, but the seconds went by without me saying a word.

Rubbing his hand down his face, he looked at me with sadness. He started to pace again and I had the urge to curl up into a ball, but I sat there with my legs out to my side and waited. I could hear him mumbling to himself, but I couldn’t hear what he was saying.

After his continuous pacing, he finally stood a few feet away from me. I couldn’t see his face because he was turned in the other direction. His head was bowed down and he had one hand on his hip and the other that kept running through his hair.

Finally, after what felt like an hour, he turned to me. “Landon,” I spoke softly. He held up his hand for me to stop talking, so that’s exactly what I did.

He walked back to the blanket and took a seat, but then immediately lay down. He lay there for a moment before he finally broke the silence. “Kelly was my girlfriend throughout college,” he said softly. “I still remember the first time I met her. She was so vibrant, confident and independent. She wasn’t like anyone I’d been with before,” he smiled, still staring at the ceiling. “She had this magnetic presence about her. I think I fell in love with her the first day I met her.” He chuckled quickly. “I knew she didn’t like me when she first met me, but I knew I’d change her mind,” he smirked at the memory and then looked at me. “You remind me of her in a lot of ways,” he stated and then looked back to the ceiling. “But everything changed the night I killed her.”

“What?” I shrieked. “Landon, you didn’t kill her.”

He shook his head, not listening to me. “That night was supposed to be a fun night. College was almost over. We were both twenty-one. It had been a couple of weeks since we had gone out and had some fun. I suggested this party a friend of mine was throwing. She didn’t really want to go. She wanted to have a date night, but I insisted and she agreed because that’s just the way she was.” He paused for a moment before he continued. “We were having a great time dancing, drinking, and hanging out with our friends. We ended up separating sometime throughout the night. She was with her friends and I was with my buddies. I couldn’t even tell you how much I’d had to drink. I honestly don’t even know what happened the last twenty minutes of the night.” He sat up and finally looked at me. “I blacked out. And do you want to know what I was doing when Kelly finally came to look for me,” he seethed as he poked himself in the chest.

I could feel the tingling in my nose as the tears started to build in my eyes. I shook my head because I knew what he was about to say and it broke my heart.

“I was screwing one of her best friends, Sadie. That’s what I was doing,” he said with disgust. “I didn’t even realize what I was doing until I heard her screaming. It was like my mind sobered in an instant. She ran out of the room and I ran after her, but…” He stared at the floor softly shaking his head. “I was too late.”

A tear fell and I quickly wiped it away. I wanted to comfort him, but I knew he wasn’t done. “Landon, you didn’t kill her. It was an accident.”

He shook his head and looked at me. “But I did. I’m the reason she ran out of that house drunk and heartbroken. I might as well have driven the car for her. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself.”

I couldn’t take this anymore. I reached out to him and grabbed his hand. “Landon, you need to stop blaming yourself. You didn’t kill her. It was an accident. Like you said, you didn’t even realize what you were doing. People always do stupid things when they are drunk, but Kelly could have made a different decision. It was her choice to get into that car. She could have found her friends first, told them what an asshole you were, but she didn’t. She made the decision, Landon. Don’t you see? Yes, you caused her to be upset, but you didn’t
make
her leave that house.”

He looked at me with sadness in his eyes, and then down at our joined hands. He brought his other hand up and softly stroked the flower and heart tattoo on his wrist. “I’ve never been a cheater, Sadie.” He rubbed his thumb up and down the side of my hand. “I don’t know what could have possessed me to take Mandy upstairs. There were days I’d do nothing but run the whole evening over and over again in my mind, but the answer is never there.”

Mandy? If Mandy was the girl he was caught with, then what was all this crap Shannon kept talking about?

“What did Mandy have to say about it?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “She was drunk too. She barely remembered the night, or so she said.”

“Is that the reason for all the blonde followers? Are they trying to replace her or something?”

He shook his head. “No, I would only date blondes because every brunette reminded me of her.” All of it made so much sense now.

We were quiet as we sat, staring at our joined hands before I asked him my final question. “Why was Shannon making such a big deal at the store then?”

He sighed. “Shannon was the one who gave me comfort through everything. She was there when I needed someone. I never asked her why, but I appreciated every minute of it. I think deep down she feels she’s entitled to me, but there has never been anything more between us.”

I frowned. “So she thinks, because she helped you through a hard time and now she sees you with me that you are just going to what? Bang me and go back to her?” I knew that had to be what was going through her mind.

He shrugged nonchalantly. “It’s my fault. I’ve been doing it for three years. I’d hop from girl to girl, but I always went back to her.”

The fact that he was telling me all of this scared me. Who was to say he wouldn’t do it again.

“I can see that look on your face, Sadie.” I looked up to meet his eyes. “It’s not going to happen.”

“What makes me so special? I can’t have that happening to me again, Landon. I didn’t know it was going on at the time, but I think that makes it that much worse. I was so blind to it. I won’t be that way again,” I warned.

He brought a hand up and rubbed at my cheek. “With everything that has happened, all the girls I’ve seen,
you
are the one who caught my attention.
That
is what makes you so special, Sadie. It’s like I’ve been in my own little world for three years; then, there you were, standing on the office porch,” he smirked. “I can honestly say I had no words,” he laughed. “And that doesn’t happen often.”

I gave him a small smile. A whirlwind of thoughts and emotions filled my brain. On one hand, I was genuinely happy he’d shared this all with me; he’d been truthful and honest. My heart also broke for him, for his pain and his guilt. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t scared shitless that he wouldn’t hurt me. “I want to say this one last thing and then I’ll be happy to change the subject if you want to.” I didn’t want the rest of our night to revolve around living in our past.

He nodded. “Okay.”

“I like you,” I blurted. “A lot.” He grinned. “I think you are a great guy. Maybe a little too hard on yourself, but I understand it now. I’m a believer that everything happens for a reason. We may not know what those reasons are at the time, but there is always a path to follow. My heart has been broken and I’m afraid it will happen again, but I know I can’t live that way. I think that in order for us to move forward we need to forgive that heartbreak. Whether it is yourself or the ex, because without that heartbreak, we wouldn’t be here with each other. And right now…I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.”

He lifted my chin up to meet his gaze. “This is why you are so special to me. There isn’t just anyone who could talk to me and make me see reason. You make me feel it…here,” he said, bringing our joined hands up to his chest, over his heart.

My body flushed at his words. I had never had sweeter words spoken to me. I felt like we were two halves of a broken heart mending ourselves together.

Leaning over to him, I pressed my lips to his. He let go of my hand and brought his hand up to run his fingers through my hair and he took the kiss deeper. We had just made a leap in our relationship. I knew that communication was the one thing that could make or break it. I was happy he felt like he could trust me enough to share his deepest hurts with me. It meant more than he knew.

Pulling back from the kiss, he pressed his forehead to mine and closed his eyes. “I never knew how long it would take me to meet someone, but I’m so glad I met you, Sadie Ann Tager.”

I smiled and brought a hand up to rest on his cheek. “I feel exactly the same way, Landon Bernard Johnson.”

He chuckled. “Could we leave the middle name out of all further conversations? I really hate it,” he complained.

I pulled back with a smile. “I’m not sure I’ll be able to do that…boss. It is your name after all.”

“Okay,” he said amused. “Just remember who writes your checks.”

“Ha, ha, funny man.”

Pulling me closer to him, he maneuvered me into his lap. “You know, I wasn’t planning on having such a serious conversation while we were here, but I’m honestly glad all of that is out of the way. I knew it would have been brought up eventually, and I wanted to tell you about it that night we were at your place, but one thing led to another.” I blushed, knowing exactly what it led to.

Holding his hand in my lap, I ran my fingers over his tattoo. “Is Kelly the reason you got this tattoo?”

He rested his chin on top of my head and nodded. “I got it months after. I went through a hard time and drank a lot. Once I finally decided enough was enough, I got this tattoo.” I rubbed the lines of the petals as he spoke. “Her favorite flower was a forget-me-not, so I figured it was fitting. I never wanted to forget her love, so that’s why the heart is in the middle.”

It was breaking my heart again. He seriously was so sweet. This man deserved so much love.

Love.

Love I was terrified to give, but so willing to share with him. He was starting to mean more and more to me every day. His heart was so good, so caring. It made me wonder how I ever thought Jason was the one for me. I never felt this way with him. When Jason broke my heart, I knew I would eventually be okay, but Landon? Landon was the kind of man who stayed with you always, the kind of man who could change your life forever.

“You really are such a good person.” I looked up at him so he could see that I truly meant what I was saying. “Even though deep down there is a part of you saying it’s not true. It is. I can see it. And I plan on making you see what I see.”

He smirked at me and leaned down to kiss me on the forehead. “My Pa would have really liked you.”

“I’m sure I would have really liked him too.” I looked around at all the cars. “What is Nan going to do with all of these cars?”

“She’s not doing anything with them. She’s letting me keep them here until I get my own place.”

I looked up at him confused. “You mean…these cars are all yours?”

He smiled brightly and nodded. “He left them to me when he passed. He’d always said they were mine. No one else in the family understood our need to work on them. If he left them to my dad, he’d probably sell them off to buy more farm land or something.”

I understood now why he and his father bumped heads so much. They were totally different. “So the car gene skipped a generation.”

He laughed. “I guess so.”

Nudging me to get off his lap, he stood and pulled me up with him. “Come on, I want to take you for a ride.”

I looked at him confused. “A ride?”

“Yeah,” he beamed. “Pick one.”

I looked at him astonished. “Are you serious?” I looked around the room at all the choices as he gestured his hand out.

Without hesitation, I picked the black Mustang I spotted when we first walked in. It was beautiful and sexy, and I knew it would be a fun ride.

After getting the car out of the main door, we finally took off with the top down. The sun was starting to set so the temperature wasn’t as bad as it could have been. He drove down back roads as we laughed and talked about nothing important, enjoying each other’s company. It was the most fun I’d had in a long time and I couldn’t wait to do it again.

Eighteen

I tried to keep myself busy most of the day on Friday. I wanted the day to go by as quickly as possible so I could see Landon. He said he would be spending his day running errands and then doing some stuff to his car. Some parts he had ordered for it had come in the previous day and he needed to install them. He still had more things that would be arriving in the next day or two and would install them the next week before the big race the following weekend.

At lunch, Joe seemed overly excited that I would be going to my first race.

“You’re going to love it. Just wait,” he said excitedly. “With you there, he’ll definitely bring his A game. He’s not gonna want to lose with this being your first race.”

I laughed. “I’m sure he’d do great either way.”

“He will,” Lisa chimed in. “There’s some good competition this year though. His rival Javier will be there too I’m sure,” she said, rolling her eyes.

I remembered him from the night Landon brought me to the track. “I met him at the track last Friday. I didn’t get good vibes from him. What is his deal anyway?”