“Itsizdiv>
We were quiet for a moment.
“Is he worth it?” I finally asked.
“What do you mean?”
I remembered the night I’d gone to Ethan, finally sure he was willing to accept me for who I was and that I could do the same for him. There’d been no doubt then, no fear. Just acceptance of the risk that I was taking and the confidence that he was worth it.
That
we
would have been worth it.
It had taken time for me to get there, and for Ethan to be ready for a relationship. Maybe if we’d gotten there earlier we’d have had more time together—but there was no point in ruing that now. He was gone except in my dreams, and those were becoming too traumatic to want to relive.
“I think,” I finally said, “you reach a point where you’re willing to take that chance. Where you know you might still get hurt in the long run, but you decide it’s worth it.”
“And if I never get there?”
“Then you’re honest with him. But don’t let fear make the decision. Make the decision based on who he is and who you are when you’re with him. On who he helps you to be.”
She nodded, a tear slipping from her eye. I had the sudden sense the decision would come easier—and faster—than she might have imagined.
“You’ll be fine,” I pronounced, then gave her a sideways hug. “He loves you, and you love him, and someday, if we’re lucky, things will get back to normal around here.”
She crossed one leg over another. “What would that be like, even?”
“You tell me. I assume it’s what life was like before Celina outed the Houses.”
“Ah, yes. The halcyon days of . . . God, those days were pretty dull, now that I think of it.”
“Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”
“Grass is greener,” she agreed, then slid me a glance. “Now that we’ve worked through my relationship issues, are you ready to talk about Jonah?”
What I wanted to do was nip that conversation in the bud. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
“Look,” she said, her tone softening. “I’m not saying now is the time for you to find an eternity partner. But maybe it’s time for you to consider considering someone. A friend. A lover. A friend with benefits.” She bumped my shoulder playfully. “Jonah is like—I mean, Jesus, Merit. He’s crazy beautiful, smart, he’s got the trust of his entire House, and he appreciates you.”
“He’s not Ethan.”
“That’s not fair. There was no Ethan before him, and there will be no Ethan after him. But Ethan’s gone. I’m not saying you forget he existed. I’m just saying eternity is a long time. And maybe you could consider the possibility that there are other people who could become a part of your life if you let them.”
We sat there quietly for a moment.
“He kissed me.”
Lindsey offered up a dolphin-worthy squeal. “I knew he would. How was it?”
“The kiss? Great. My regret after the fact? Less enjoyable.”
“Eek,” she said. “What did you do?”
“I kind of bailed on him?” I thought putting it into the form of a question would make it sound a little less bad. Maybe not surprisingly, it didn’t.
“Bad form, Sentinel. Bad form. You still on speaking terms?”
“Possibly not, but that’ll change. It has to, since he’s the only partner I’ve got at the moment.”
“True dat. Times are tough, guards and partners are in short supply, and humans are whiny little babies. I mean, we’ve been here as long as they have. You wanna bet the murder rate among humans is a lot higher than it is among vampires? We are not the ones causing this city’s issues.”
She stood up and moved her hands down in front of her body, blowing out a breath as she did it. “I’m calm. I’m calm. I’m also really hungry. You ready for breakfast?”
I shook my head. “I don’t have time. I’m visiting the mayor.”
She whistled low. “Again? Are you that hard up for a date?”
“Har har. I think he might have information about what’s going on.” I filled her in on my lemon and sugar theory. Unlike Catcher, she thought there was merit to the idea. But that didn’t deter her from her goal.
“Mayor or not, even vampires have to eat.” She tapped a finger against her head. “Empathic, remember? I can feel how hungry you are. And if you’re going to figure out what the hell is going on here, you need to be ready for it. You can’t put off food just because you’re tired. It will only make you tireder.”
I didn’t disagree that she had a point, but I wanted this matter done sooner rather than later. On the other hand, I did have a tendency to run myself until I was quite literally sick of it, until I was in bed for a week with a virus that knocked me completely on my ass. A week of no sleep, slamming down junk food, and stress tended to do that to a girl.
I wasn’t sure if vamps could get colds, but it probably wouldn’t be very responsible of me to test that theory now.
We walked downstairs and moved into the cafeteria line. Unfortunately, Juliet and Margot had been right about Frank’s new nutritional choices: free-range eggs; turkey bacon; organic fruit salad; and a grain-heavy gruel that looked like it would have been served in Little Orphan Annie’s orphanage.
“Ugh,” I remarked, but scooped up eggs and fruit and grabbed a drink box of blood.
We took our food to a table and were quickly joined by Margot and Katherine, another Novitiate with a wicked sense of humor and a fabulous singing voice.
“So it’s been a really freaky week. How’s it going out there?” Margot asked, picking through her bowl of fruit.
“I’ve been beating the streets. But I’m not sure I’m making progress.”
“That’s all you can do,” Margot said, pointing at me with a cantaloupe-laden fork. “Besides, things are back to normal for now. Maybe they’ll stay that way.”
I wouldn’t bet on it, but I nodded my agreement.
Margot gave me a sly look. “I hear you’re working with Jonah—the captain of the Grey House guards. Any details you want to pass along?”
I felt my cheeks warm. “Not really,” I said, hoping Lindsey wasn’t going to spill the beans about the kissaboalong?. I was proud; she chewed her muffin with obvious deliberation, and kept quiet. “We’re just working together.”
“And what’s on your agenda for the day?” Katherine asked.
“I’m meeting with the mayor, actually. Well, the former mayor.”
“You think he turned the sky and river?” Margot wondered.
“I think information keeps pointing in his direction.”
“Have you talked to Cabot lately?” Lindsey asked.
I shook my head, my stomach grumbling sympathetically at the mention of his name. “Not since he sent us to talk to the fairies.”
“Probably figured fairy-cide was an easier way to get rid of you,” Katherine grumbled.
“Wouldn’t surprise me,” I agreed. “What’s he done now?”
“Now he’s got a wild hair about our skills. Strat, phys, psych. Says he’s reviewing our files to ensure we’ve been appropriately categorized.”
“He’s assessing whether or not we’re threats,” I muttered. “And it’s probably my fault. When we met, I told him I was a Strong Phys. He probably didn’t like the reminder that we’re actually competent out here in Cadogan House.”
“He is a piece of work,” Margot agreed. “And we want to escape him for a few hours.” She pointed at me with her fork. “What’s your schedule tonight? We’re thinking about an
Evil Dead
and
Army of Darkness
marathon.”
I blinked. “Like, the Bruce Campbell movies?”
The table went silent.
“Show a little respect, Merit,” Lindsey said with more than a little offense. “Have you ever been overtaken by a Candarian demon?”
I glanced among them all, trying to ferret out whether they were joking or I had stepped into some kind of Bruce Campbell cult. “Not in the last few hours.”
“Yeah, well, it’s not really funny, is it? With the crazy eyes and uncontrollable limbs.” She shivered, and I honestly couldn’t tell if she was serious.
“You’re joking, right?” I quietly asked. “I mean, I thought you were joking, but some pretty weird stuff goes on in Chicago, and I haven’t read the entire
Canon
yet, so maybe I just missed the Can
darian demon chapter?”
She managed a good fifteen seconds more before she couldn’t hold in the snort. “Oh, my God, totally. But I almost didn’t make it. Seriously, though, I love the flicks. You in?”
I reached out and punched her a few times in the arm while the rest of the table chortled. “I’ll let you know,” I said.
“You do that. Oh,” she exclaimed, “I just felt a pretty solid hint of Cabot irritation.” She tapped her forehead again, which was apparently international code for “I’ve got empathic powers and I know how to use them.”
“In case he’s looking for an outlet for his obsessions,” she said, “you might want to take that breakfast to go. I hear he made three Novitiates cry yesterday.”
She didn’t have to tell me twice. I nodded and grabbed my drink box, then hopped up. “If he calls an assembly to announce he’s leaving Chicago, save me a seat.”
“You’ll be the first we call,” Lindseall appay promised, and I took her at her word.