Drive and Determination (9 page)

 which she had recently sung at a Community Center Talent Night.
            The song was from the movie,
Umbrellas of Cherbourg
,
 which she, Janet, and Charlene had watched late one night on television. Since none of the girls knew French, they had to read all the sub-titles as it was done completely in French and sung the whole way through. They cried at the end of the movie, but of course had to watch it several more times. They still cried each time it came to its same grievous ending.
            She closed her eyes and lifted up a prayer, “Help me do this!”
            As she began singing the words, she noticed the effect immediately. It was as if she was singing into a microphone and the sound monitor was reflecting her voice back to her. The dynamics of this domed room carried her pure voice in every direction. She opened her eyes to see everyone’s eyes riveted upon her.
            As she continued to sing, she thought how Janet would never have to wait for love anymore. She had found her love and was now with him for eternity. As she began to sing the chorus, she noticed Will walk into the domed room and look around, finally resting his eyes upon her.
            Will had heard the singing off in the distance and was drawn to the angelic quality. When he came to the domed room, he had a difficult time discerning where the voice came from, as it seemed to pour forth from every point in the room. However, when he turned to follow everyone’s gaze, he was amazed to find that it was Elyssa whose voice he heard.
            As Elyssa finished the song, Will stood in awe, lost in the clarity and tone of her voice. The words haunted him as the song had been about having to wait for love!
            The words seemed to radiate from Elyssa’s heart and yet the words spoke of the condition of
his
heart toward
her
. He wondered whether she had any idea of his admiration. He could not tell her yet as she would not accept it… accept him. How long would
he
have to wait for her?
            When Elyssa finished, there was much praise from everyone.
            A gentleman standing next to Will turned to him and whispered, “Now that’s one beautiful lady and one fine voice if you ask me.”
            Will nodded while keeping his eyes on Elyssa.
            “I saw you with her. Is she your wife or a special lady?
            Will turned to face the man and whispered rather abruptly, “No. I guess right now you could say she’s a major project!”
            Glancing back at Elyssa, he was met with fiery eyes.
            He turned and walked out. The quality of her voice affected him. The words had stirred him. He greatly appreciated good music and now this was added to her appealing traits. He shook his head and scuffed the ground with his foot, asking himself why he had to fall for a woman who was so decidedly bitter towards him… a woman who would never be able to love him.
            Elyssa finally walked out after accepting some words of appreciation from those in the group. “I’m ready to go,” she said, and strode briskly and determinedly past him.

Chapter 8

            The next day, Elyssa awoke with a heaviness in her heart. She attributed it to knowing that today she would finally have to sort through the things in Chad and Janet’s room. She refused to credit Will’s remark as having such an effect on her.
            The words Will had used to describe what he was doing had hurt deeply, although she really wasn’t sure why.
A major project!
That’s what he called her. Just like drawing up the details for a merger or a business transaction, she was a major project!
            Sure, he had complimented her on her singing. While driving home, Will praised her performance, but his words did little to ease the pain she felt because of his businesslike reference.
            A frustrated huff escaped. She shouldn’t care what he thought of her! Earlier, she had vowed never to allow herself to be captivated by this man.
           
He is certainly good looking
,
 she warned herself.
But his charms,
she added with a laugh,
they are quite another matter.
She had no reason to fear being captivated by his charms because he had none!
            She was grateful that today was one free day to spend without him. He had business this afternoon and most likely would not be stopping by. When they had returned from Antigua yesterday, Elyssa was anxious to bid him farewell and afterwards did not feel inclined to begin sorting through the bedroom and decided to put it off one more day. That major task still lay ahead of her.
            She hoped that she’d finish going through the townhouse today and somehow she would be able to go to Lake Atitlan tomorrow. George had promised her he would take her. Now she wondered whether that would happen. Since she hadn’t seen him since Will arrived and sent him away, she assumed his work in Colombia was keeping him busy.
            She poured herself a freshly brewed cup of coffee and wrapped both her hands around the warm mug. As she took a sip, she smiled as she heard the birds noisily greet her. She walked over to the window and took great delight in watching the hummingbirds that made their appearance every morning visiting the plethora of flowers. Despite the feelings she had when she awakened, those things managed to soothe her unsettled spirits.
            She finished her coffee and decided to take a shower before starting her task.
            She felt much better when she stepped out of the shower and put on a pair of jeans and cool cotton shirt with short sleeves. She brushed out her hair and applied some light makeup. When she had finished, she looked up at herself and took a deep breath.
            “Well,” she said to her reflection in the mirror. “I guess the time has finally come! I can’t put it off any longer.”
            Going to the door of Janet and Chad’s room, she stood with her hands braced on either side for several moments, steeling herself for the inevitable. She knew she was behaving irrationally. She may not find anything here that would distress her. It was just that everything here would be so personal and she could almost feel Janet’s presence. Coming into this room, she felt that Janet would walk in at any moment.
            The first thing she did when she walked in was to take a closer look at the pictures on the walls. “Oh, Janet,” she said aloud to herself, “You never did learn to group your pictures well.” There were some framed prints as well as framed photographs haphazardly dotting the walls.
            Elyssa walked up to the photograph of Chad and Janet that was mounted over the bed and found herself smiling. They were both peeking out from behind a large bougainvillea plant and were framed themselves in flowers. She took it off the wall and put it next to the box of things she would take home with her. It was too large to fit inside.
            Inside the box, she placed several other pictures of the two of them. In went a small jewel box holding a few nice pieces of jewelry. She found a pile of books and sat down to begin looking through them, losing all track of time. She finally placed all of them in the give-away box, hoping someone here could use them.
            There was a pile of papers on the night stand, and upon scrutiny, Elyssa decided they were not of any sentimental value or importance and crumbled them up in her hand. She went into the kitchen and retrieved the large trash can, bringing it back to the room and placing it next to her. She dropped the wad of papers inside.
            Elyssa began opening the drawers of the dresser. The first drawer contained some folded knit blouses. Elyssa picked up the neatly stacked pile and brought it tightly up to her chest. Leaning her head down, she could barely discern the scent of Janet’s favorite perfume. Her eyes closed as tears began to fill them.
            She removed only one blouse that she had remembered Janet wearing and put the rest in a pile to give away. Going to the next drawer, she pulled out some sweaters. As her hands tucked under the sweaters to pull them out, something that had been placed underneath them caught her attention. She pulled it out and saw that it was a journal.
            She felt a tremor pass through her and stood staring at it for several minutes before willing herself to open it. She knew that it would be emotionally difficult to read her sister’s most personal thoughts. She would never have stolen into her sister’s room before to sneak a peek into her diary or journal, although they always shared everything together. Now she harbored hopes that there might be something in it that might give comfort to her.
            Her hand began shaking as she slowly opened the thick leather covered book. Her lips curved in a bittersweet smile at Janet’s meticulous handwriting. She laughed as she saw little smudges of writing, presumably by Chad, adding his own enlightening comments -- in bold, smeared strokes -- to Janet’s. So much for being private! Janet let her husband not only read it, but write in it himself!
            She flipped towards the back until she found the blank pages, and then began working her way back to the last entry. She only wanted to know what Janet had written in her last few days.
            She finally came upon the last entry. Looking at the date, Elyssa saw that it was written two days before their accident.
            She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Then she began reading.

May 23, 2005
            Today began as every other day began. The sun awakened me with its bright rays pouring into our room, as if impatient for us to begin our day. I looked over at my sleeping husband
(that’s me!)
 
-- a notation obviously from Chad --
and thinking to myself how much I love him and how, in just a few hours, we might know for certain what we have been waiting so long for.  

            Elyssa gulped. Her hands began trembling as she continued.

            It was such a beautiful morning that we were both very sure we knew what the result would be.
            We opened the package and read and reread the directions so we wouldn’t do it wrong. The few minutes we had to wait for the results were excruciating. We both wanted to peek, but decided that might only give us false hope or disappointment. When the time was up, we held our hands tightly and looked. And guess what! I am pregnant! Chad and I are going to have a baby!
Am I a proud papa!?! Yes!
            We’ll be going to our home at the lake to celebrate for a few days before we tell anyone!

            Elyssa felt the room was swirling around her. “No, Janet! No!” She fell toward the bed and then crumpled down on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably.
            Strong hands unexpectedly came around her and picked her up from the floor.
            “Elyssa, what is it?” Will had impulsively stopped by and was just about to knock on the door when he heard Elyssa cry out. Rushing in, he found her collapsed on the floor sobbing. Instinctively, and without thought, he reached down to gather her in his arms.
            The concern in his voice and tenderness of his actions were disregarded by Elyssa as she began pounding his chest with her tightly clenched fists.
            “It’s not fair!” she cried out. “Why? Why?”
            He sat down upon the bed with her and cradled her face with both of his hands, turning it towards him. Her eyes were closed and tears were flowing freely down her cheeks. He drew aside a strand of hair which was clinging to her face, and with a great sense of regret, wondered if Janet and Chad’s death would ever cease to come between them.
            He did not know what to say to her, however much he wanted to say something; anything that would take away the pain she was feeling and the anger she harbored toward him. He felt a surge of compassion swell within him and wondered what he could do to ease her pain. All he knew to do was to simply hold her.
            After a few moments, Elyssa pulled away. She stood up and reached for some tissues, avoiding any and all eye contact with Will.
            A weak, “Excuse me,” came forth from her lips as she left the room, and Will heard the hall bathroom door close.      
            He looked around and spied the journal lying on the floor. He clenched his jaw as he presumed it was Janet’s, and that Elyssa had been reading it. He picked it up, knowing this was not something he would normally do, but curiosity prompted him to see if he could determine what had been the cause of her anguish. Knowing Elyssa as he did, he was quite certain it could have been something as minor as reading about Janet going to the hairdresser.
            He reached down for the book and found it open to the very last entry. Glancing down to read it, the words that lay before him pierced him as profoundly as if he had been struck with a knife. Janet had just found out she was pregnant.
            He closed his eyes and shook his head, taking in a deep breath and then letting it out in an exasperated groan. He slowly stood up and walked back into the living room, taking a seat in one of their two matching recliner chairs. He chose not to recline, but leaned forward and rested his elbows on his legs, clasping his hands in front of him.
            When Elyssa finally walked out, her face was still streaked with stains from her tears and her eyes were red. Will stood and looked at her with a feeling of helplessness gripping him.
            “I am sorry, Elyssa. I read in the journal that Janet was pregnant.”
            She walked over to a window and silently looked out. Her arms were folded tightly in front of her and Will wondered whether she would even acknowledge him.
            She finally spoke; her words shaky and almost distant. “Janet and I use to lie in our beds at night and talk about what our life would be like when we grew up.” She took in a deep breath to steady herself. “We talked about how we would have children and love each other’s children as much as our own; how all the cousins would be so close.” She slowly shook her head. “Now that will never happen and I’ll never even know if Janet’s child was a boy or a girl.”
            Will’s lips pursed together tightly. “I wish there was something I could do.”
            “It’s too late for that. What’s done is done.” Elyssa’s words came out like daggers.
            Will came up to her and spun her around. “Look, Elyssa, that accident could have just as easily happened in Chicago, or Los Angeles, or Santa… whatever it’s called where you live! Perhaps it was just their time and no matter where they were, it would have happened.”
            Tears pooled in her eyes again and she closed them, forcing the tears to escape down her face. “I would have loved to have been an aunt to her child.” She began to say more, but her choking sobs consumed her again. Will drew out a handkerchief and handed it to her, then drew her against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her as she let out another release of grief. Mumbling against him she cried out, “I miss her so much!”
            He tightened his hold about her until he felt her begin to pull away and then he let her go. “I am sorry, Elyssa. I am truly sorry.”
            After regaining her composure, Elyssa walked into the kitchen dabbing her eyes with Will’s well used handkerchief. “Would you care for a cup of coffee?” Her tone was terse and her eyes avoided his.
            “No thank you, Elyssa,” he replied. “I’ve had enough this morning.”
            “If you don’t mind, I’m going to pour myself another.”
            She casually glanced about her for the mug she used earlier. Not seeing it -- not really seeing anything -- she reached into the cupboard for another one. Will came up behind her and took her hand, placing the mug she had been looking for in it. She glanced down at it, murmured a soft “Thank you,” and poured coffee into it. She then walked over to the small kitchen table and sat down.
            Will came and sat across from her. He watched silently as with each sip, Elyssa closed her eyes. He would like to believe it was because she was savoring the rich blend of Pemberleo coffee -- and his company -- but realistically he knew it was her way of dealing with this new wave of grief. He found it odd that each time she closed her eyes, he waited expectantly for her to open them again. Even though her eyes were red and swollen and flashed bitterness and anger toward him, he thought them exceptionally fine.
            Elyssa wrapped her shaking hands around the mug and took a few more sips of coffee. “Why did you come by this morning? I thought you had work to do.”
            Will looked down and noticed his fingers tapping on the table. He quickly clasped his hands together to prevent any further nervous movement. “I… uh…” He looked back up at her. “I wanted to see how you were doing.”
            “Oh.” Elyssa shook her head slowly. “Well, you certainly came upon me at the opportune time.”
            “I’m sorry, Elyssa. I wish there was something I could say or do to make you realize…”
            Elyssa looked up at him through tear stained eyes and interrupted. “Getting over Janet’s death is just going to take some time. That’s all.”
            “Are you going to be OK today? I’ll see if I can send someone over.”
            Elyssa waved her hand through the air and shook her head. “There’s no need for that. I’ll be fine.” She took a long sip of coffee. “I was hoping, though, to leave for Lake Atitlan tomorrow and see the village where Chad and Janet had a small home. George was going to take me…”
            Will let out a disgusted groan. “I am quite certain he won’t be able to do that now.” It was Will’s turn to be terse. “He has too much to do in Colombia.”
            Will closely watched Elyssa’s face as he said, “I’ll make the arrangements to take you myself.”
            Her eyes darted up to meet his. “I really don’t think you have the time nor the desire to do this and you certainly don’t have to feel obligated. I’ll find some other way on my own.”
            “Go to this small village by yourself?” Will leaned in. “I don’t think so, Elyssa. You have no idea where you’d be going. Manuel will drive us. We’ll leave in the morning and return on Monday. I don’t need to be back to the States until Wednesday afternoon for my board meeting. That will give us plenty of time.”
            Elyssa finally glanced up at him, looking at him oddly. She quietly acquiesced, but her mind was in turmoil as to why he was so insistent on taking all this upon himself. Her flight home was scheduled for Tuesday morning, so getting back from the lake on Monday would suit her as well. However, she was not as certain how his presence would suit her for the duration of her time spent in Guatemala.
            When Elyssa finished her coffee, she stared into the empty mug for a moment and then, with little expression, excused herself. She returned to the bathroom to freshen up, putting a little extra makeup on her face to hide the blotchiness that resulted from her tears. As she looked at herself in the mirror, she wondered why Will seemed so inclined to linger. She knew he had work to do and she certainly couldn’t believe
she
was the attraction. She looked terrible! Maybe if she stayed in the bathroom long enough, she would find him gone when she finally came out.
            Will remained motionless at the table when Elyssa left. His hand slowly made its way to his face and he clasped it over his mouth and jaw. He had noticed the sudden transformation in Elyssa’s demeanor. She no longer had the flash of anger in her eyes directed at him. Even the grief she experienced earlier was gone. A look of resignation had wiped away all traces of any other emotion. Was it resignation over the fact that she was being compelled to remain in his presence?
            He was suddenly gripped with the odd notion that he would rather have her feel anything toward him but indifference. He would welcome her sly comments that mocked him or even her heated words that accused him; but not indifference.
            He stood up and walked over to the window. Stuffing his hands in his pockets, he gazed outside in bewilderment. Most women threw themselves at him and now the one woman who seemed to have somehow, unwittingly captured his heart would most likely never forgive him; never want anything to do with him. He had come to Guatemala with the hopes that Elyssa would get to know the real William Denton and find him to her liking. Instead, each day was proving to sink him further in her estimation rather than raise it and he was at a loss to know what to do about it.
            When Elyssa walked out again, she saw that Will was still there, standing at the window staring out. His hands were tucked in his slacks pockets and she watched as he pulled one out and began raking it through his hair. He appeared to be miles away and didn’t seem to notice her. For a moment Elyssa wondered whether he was actually feeling some compassion for her, but quickly credited it to him pondering over some highly important business concern and how things were being handled in his absence.
            Elyssa cleared her throat.
            He turned around and abruptly straightened up, bringing both hands to his side. Elyssa readily noticed him tighten them into fists.
            When he saw her, he desperately felt the need to do something to change the tone between them. He did not want to leave her in the state things were in. 
            As he looked at her standing across the room from him, Will searched his mind for something to say or do. Then he suddenly had the most absurd idea! He figured it would either relieve some of the tension between them or completely end his chances with her.
            “Elyssa,” he said, looking around him. He walked over to her purse and picked it up. “Here’s your purse.” He handed it to her and gently took her elbow. “I have someplace I’d like to take you.”
            Elyssa shook her head and dug in her heels to keep from moving. “Exactly what makes you think I want to go anywhere with you?”
            “Oh, you just wait and see. I am quite sure you won’t regret it!”