Driven (5 page)

“He’s going to test me.” A sick dread pumps into my stomach.

Valac drops his hand and looks me in the eyes. “Yes. And I’d really prefer it if you passed the test, little bird.”

“Because if I don’t…?”

“He’ll tell me to kill you.”

Valac sounds like killing me would actually 
not
be on his top ten for the afternoon. “You care,” I say sarcastically. “I’m touched.”

Valac glares at me. “I’ll be happy relieve you of your life energy, Lirium.” His voice is cold, but there’s something underneath it. A flinch. It perplexes me. “But I really don’t want to explain to Ophelia how I had to kill her puppy.”

I frown. “So, you do care. About Ophelia, I mean.”

He looks away, pretending to examine the trinkets on Katy’s dresser. “I owe her,” he says with a sigh. “She saved me once.”

“You have a funny way of paying her back.”

He whips his head back to me. “She attacked me. In front of Kolek. I had no choice.” His chest is heaving, and I believe he means it.

And that, at least, I can understand. “None of us have a choice, do we?” Maybe I can get Valac to help me after all. But his face hardens with my words and I’m losing my chance. I scramble after it. “What’s the story with you and Ophelia?” He looks away again, so I press on. “She told me to ask you.”

He arches an eyebrow. “Did she? Why? Trying to warn you off turning out like me, the one Guppy she couldn’t save?”

“Is that how you ended up here?” I regret it as soon as I ask.

“I
chose
to come here.”

“My mistake.” I try to sound contrite, but I’m immediately wondering what could send any collector to work for the mob voluntarily. I fold my arms and lean against the door frame. “So… what did Ophelia save you from?”

He laces his hands in front of him, still half-turned away from me, then wrings them apart and picks up one of Katy’s frames. It fades from a picture of her smiling with her surfboard to another with her and a group of similarly perky friends. He sets it back down.

Just when I think he’s not going to answer, he speaks, softly. “Do you remember when I said I had tasted death?” He looks at me, like he’s judging whether I believe him.

I nod. I have no idea what he means, but this is something I need to know.

“I meant that… literally.”

I wait, but he seems to be struggling with it. “Did something go wrong with a transfer?” I guess.

He shakes his head, but I’m not sure if he’s answering me or shaking off some thought that’s captured him. He glances at me. “I used to collect for Madam A.”

I raise my eyebrows. I had forgotten, but she did mention it. “She said you worked for her in the past, but now you…” I hesitate to say it.

“Now I belong to Kolek.” He gives me a wry smile. “She wasn’t too happy when I left.”

“If you were working for her…” I’m trying to piece it together. Valac, lapdog for Kolek, Mr.
I have no soul
… helping Madam A and her sick kids? “What happened to you?” I ask.

He takes a deep breath and lets it out slow. “One of the parents of the kids…” He stops. “He was special. When his son died…” Valac looks me in the eyes. “They all die. You know that, right?” He takes a step closer, like this is the most important part. Like it’s critical that I understand. “They
all
die. Some sooner, some later, but you can’t save them.”

I can’t even get to the point of
trying
to save them. “I know.” This is something I understand, and it’s easy for me to picture Valac and his lover with the sick kid. “So when his son died, he was angry. At you.”

Valac smiles, suddenly, like what I’ve said is hopelessly naïve. “I wish! I wish he had just taken his anger out on me. Hate me. Leave me. Beat the crap out of me.
Something.
”

“What did he do?” I can’t imagine it, losing a child. It’s wrong. The universe turned upside down. Children are supposed to grow up, outlive their parents, give them grandchildren. All the things my mother knew would never happen when she agreed to give me over to the Agency. All the things that died in her eyes when she signed that document. After that, I was a ghost to her. My body still existed, but that didn’t change anything. She knew it was only a matter of time.

That’s why I left. How I found myself in an alley with a mob thug, the first time.

I pull myself back out of that memory, realizing Valac has gone silent. He has a thousand mile stare, seeing something that’s not there. Something from the past.

I want to tell him he doesn’t have to tell me. “Valac—” 

“He killed himself.”

The words stop in my throat.

“I found him, lying in a pool of his own blood. Slit his wrists.” He laughs in a sad way that makes my chest tight, then waves his hand in the air. “He was always melodramatic that way.” There are strain lines around his eyes. “He was still alive when I got there. I tried to save him. Pumped life energy in him, but I couldn’t stop it. I called 911. I called my mentor. I think I threatened to kill Ophelia if she didn't get the hell over 
now
.” He gives that heart-breaking laugh again. “I was out of my mind. I gave him everything I had. Before anyone arrived, I had run out.” He locks eyes with me. “I gave it all.”

My breath is trapped in my lungs. I force it out. “You paid out everything.”

He nods.

“You died.”

Another nod.

“What… what was it like?”         

He gets that thousand mile stare again. “Cold. Dark. Empty. It tasted like… metal.” He closes his eyes, shakes it off, then opens them again. When he does, he looks straight at me. “There was no golden light, no heavenly chorus, no nothing, Lirium. It was just emptiness. I figured it out later. It’s because we have nothing left. All the life energy I gave away, everything I used to save him,
it didn’t belong to me
.” He stands close, the intensity locking me in. He gestures between our two bodies. “Our souls are long gone. Used up, torn away, destroyed by all the lives we’ve stolen. All the years we’ve taken. Everything we have inside us is borrowed from someone else. When it’s gone… there’s nothing left. Do you understand?”

My mouth is dry. I try to swallow but my tongue is rough, desiccated by the ragged breaths I’m pulling into my lungs. “You’re sure?” I ask.

He gives a short laugh. “Oh yes. Quite sure.”

“Maybe there’s some way—”

“You can earn it back?” He gives me a knowing look. He’s thought this through already. “Redeem yourself? Win back a soul so that when you die you’re not facing an empty void of nothingness?”

“There has to be something we can do—”

“
I gave my life for him.
” His face has gone intense again. “I worked for Madam A. I did everything a debt collector could possibly do. It was my
calling
. To right the fundamental wrong of being who we are.” He pauses. “But it was hopeless from the start. This is what I want you to understand, little bird. No matter how bad you think this is, working for Kolek, it is your only option. Your only true hope. We need to keep taking the years, the lives, so that we can continue to exist. There
is
no other option.”

I don’t say anything. I don’t want to believe him, but it’s hard not to. I search for something, anything, some reason… “Wait. You said Ophelia saved you.”

“She arrived soon after I paid out. At least, that’s what she tells me. From what I can figure, I was only dead for a few minutes.”

“So she brought you back from the dead,” I say, my voice rising a notch.

“Yes,” he says. “I tried to get her to bring back Michael, but she wouldn’t. She said he was gone. She reached into him, but she said it was too late. I didn’t believe her. I begged her to bring him back. I was crazy with grief. But I know now that she really did try. She would have done it, if she could. But he was dead long before she arrived.”

“But Ophelia said you can’t bring back someone from the dead,” I say. “If she brought
you
back—”

“She doesn’t believe I was really dead. She doesn’t want to believe. But I know what I saw, little bird. I know what I felt. And I sure as hell don’t ever want to feel it again.”

I take a step back and bump into the door behind me. With the intensity of our words, I didn’t realize I had been backing away from him the whole time. I don’t know if Valac’s right, but I’m certain that
he
believes it. My mind starts to fuzz over, shutting down with the idea that Kolek’s mob might be the right place for me after all. That days of collecting at the casino are my future. An endless future, if Valac is right, because we’ll need to keep collecting or we’ll die. Forever.

“The best thing that your psych officer ever did for you, little bird, is send you here.”

That jolts me. “My psych… what the hell?”

Valac looks genuinely surprised. “You didn’t know?”

“Didn’t know
what
?”

“Candy sold you out. You and Ophelia both.” He shrugs. “I don’t know why, but she’s the one who told Kolek where to find you. You only escaped because Nico was an idiot in that alleyway. The others don’t have a brain between them, so you got lucky Nico was the one you knocked out first.”

My mouth is hanging open. I shut it. “But why? Why would Candy…?” I know she doesn’t exactly care for her debt collectors. She’s a nasty piece of work who lies and manipulates us. But selling us out to the mob? “What could my psych officer possibly get from selling out Ophelia and me?”

Valac tosses his hands up. “Beats me. But it’s not the first time Kolek’s gotten a tip from her. You should ask Ophelia. Maybe she knows.” Valac looks supremely unconcerned about this and flicks open his palm screen. “Speaking of whom, she should be done by now. If not, I’ll be happy to interrupt whatever’s going on in the congressman’s bedroom. If he wants a sex worker, he’ll have to pay separately for that.”

I scowl at him, still breathless with the idea of Candy selling us out. He taps the button to slide open the door, then pauses to look at me over his shoulder. “And remember, little bird. Whatever Kolek asks you do to, don’t hesitate. He’s looking to see if you’re willing to do whatever he says. You hesitate, you’re dead. And that’s no place to be.”

He gives me a short nod and strides out of the room, not waiting for a response.

I’m not sure what I would say to that anyway.

I run my hand over my clean-shaven face. The mirror shows a young man dressed for a club, cheeks no longer sunken, flushed like I jogged back to my room. The dark circles under my eyes are gone, and my lips are full, almost red, like I just thoroughly kissed a girl. Only Ophelia was in no mood for kissing on the way back from her payout in the senator’s bedroom.

I haven’t looked this good… ever. And it’s not because I kissed someone. It’s because I have years of stolen life in my body, filling out my bones in a way I’ve never felt before. Years that don’t belong to me.

Only my eyes are dull. Flat. The slate-gray-blue of a storm that deadens the sky.

Looking in the mirror is always a mistake.

I straighten the collar of my black silk shirt, tucking it into my dress pants, then smoothing them as well. My hands are steady. My head is clear. I’m finally down from the buzz of collecting.

I’m as ready as I’ll ever be for the test Kolek is going to give me.

A soft knock taps at the door of my room. I peer around the corner, wondering who thinks I can open the door to let them in, but it was just a courtesy knock. Valac stands by my open door, waiting for me. He doesn’t say anything, but I suppose he already had his say. I slip my hands in my pockets and stroll toward him, in no hurry to see what Kolek has in store for me.

It’s just me and Valac, walking the hall toward Kolek’s meeting room.

Since we’re momentarily alone, I ask, “What’s the test?”

Valac doesn’t look at me. “I don’t know, little bird,” he says. “Couldn’t tell you if I did.” He pauses at the door, checking with me. I nod and he swipes his palm across the lock. The door slides open.

I quickly scan the room as we enter. Kolek at the end with a drink in his hand, his blond hair slicked back like Valac’s. Nico standing off to the side, hands laced in front of him. It’s only the two of them, and I feel a flush of relief that Ophelia’s not in the room. Either to participate or observe whatever’s going to go down. Maybe I’ll ask for a visit with her after we’re done. I think I’ll need some consoling.

Assuming I survive.

I pause in the middle of the room, but Valac urges me forward with a tilt of his head. Kolek sets his drink down on the mantle of the fireplace. There’s a large mirror over it, and my reflection shows me hesitating in the middle of the room. I pull my gaze from that and approach Kolek.

I stop a few feet away, waiting for him to speak. His blue eyes sparkle but not with mirth. More like he’s looking forward to whatever entertainment my test will provide.

He closes the distance between us, grabs hold of my shoulders in his two hands and kisses me, once on each cheek. My eyes are wide. I’m not sure what I expected, but kisses certainly weren’t it.