Authors: Kerry Wilkinson
Just as Jessica was beginning to feel uncomfortable, she heard the toilet flushing and the cubicle door opened. Izzy breezed towards the sinks and washed her hands. ‘Are you all
right?’ she asked. ‘You’re not yourself.’
There was so much Jessica could have told her but instead she shook her head, offering a conciliatory, ‘I’m just a bit tired.’
Izzy put an arm around her shoulders and led her out of the bathroom, where Jessica gasped in surprise.
‘What are you doing here?’ she asked, as Caroline approached and hugged her.
Jessica hadn’t seen her in a couple of months, with most of the text message conversations they had revolving around the flat. Jessica insisted she didn’t want to keep being a
burden, with Caroline saying she didn’t mind.
‘You invited me,’ Caroline replied, as Jessica returned the hug.
Caroline was looking as dressed-up as she always did when she went out, wearing a tight bright blue dress exposing her exotic olive skin, her dark hair hanging loosely.
‘Did I?’
Caroline stepped back and put her hands on her hips in mock indignation. ‘It’s nice to be wanted. You emailed a few weeks back, saying you were all going out. You asked if I wanted
to catch up.’ Jessica suddenly remembered doing just that – it was at a point when she thought Adam would be coming to see Hugo’s show.
‘Where is Adam?’ Caroline asked.
‘He couldn’t make it,’ Jessica blurted out, before realising she had told Izzy a different lie.
‘Aw, that’s a shame, I’ve just been catching up with Dave.’
Caroline placed a hand on Rowlands’s chest in a way Jessica didn’t appreciate. She then said hello to Izzy.
‘Is anyone else coming?’ she added.
Izzy answered: ‘Jason was going to but ended up saying it wasn’t his thing, my husband is looking after our baby, Jess says Adam couldn’t make it, Dave’s perpetually
single, so, unless you’re bringing anyone, I think this is us.’
Caroline nodded, grinning. ‘Right, who wants a drink?’
Dave went for his usual pint and Izzy asked for a glass of wine. Caroline suggested they get a couple of bottles but Jessica said she only wanted a soft drink.
Jessica had only agreed to come because of Izzy. She certainly hadn’t fancied an evening with Rowlands, but then it was just as awkward hanging around Adam. The fact Hugo had asked her to
watch his new act was a draw too. He had been doing various magic shows around the city regularly since they had met but had never asked her to attend anything. Now he had a regular night at the
comedy club on Deansgate Locks, she figured she owed him at least one.
The upstairs bar had largely emptied, everyone making their way down to the lower levels as the show was due to begin. Because they were running a little late, it at least brought about
Izzy’s wish that they could sit at the back, hopefully out of harm’s way.
The place was built into the arches underneath a railway bridge and, although the bar at the top was on street level, the comedy club was underground. It was arranged with the stage at the
bottom, tightly packed seats stretching up and around to form an amphitheatre. Jessica had never been before but it took some getting used to as the entire building shook every time a tram passed
overhead.
Izzy’s theory that sitting at the back wouldn’t get them noticed hadn’t worked too well as there was a row of dim spotlights above them, which only made her purple dress seem
shinier. The compere had certainly noticed, first trying to chat her up from the stage, then joking about her ‘grumpy friend’, which Jessica didn’t appreciate.
Although the early acts were funny, Jessica couldn’t bring herself to laugh in anything other than a forced way. Caroline seemed to be enjoying herself – a bit too much when the host
was joking about Jessica – and Izzy was definitely having fun.
A row of women at the front who Jessica assumed were part of a hen party were shrieking by the time Hugo stumbled onto the stage.
For the whole time she had known him, Jessica had never been able to figure out how much of him was an act, and how much was simply him. His hair was long and tied back into a short ponytail and
he was wearing a brown striped suit with a blue trainer on one foot and a red one on the other. It would look ridiculous on anyone else but, on Hugo, it kind of worked.
Jessica knew he was a talented magician but the first part of Hugo’s act consisted of him getting tricks drastically wrong. He asked a woman a few rows back to choose a card at random from
a pack he offered her. As he shuffled nonchalantly with one hand, he dropped the whole deck and then, after she had chosen, he ripped open his shirt to reveal a T-shirt with a three of diamonds on
the front. The woman held her queen of spades up for everyone to see.
After that, he asked a man towards the back to think of a number between one and a thousand, then took off his shoe to reveal a number printed on the bottom of his sock which read
‘666’, even though the man had chosen ‘243’.
Finally, he gave a pad and a pen to a woman in the front row, telling her to draw any animal she wanted. After a bit of back and forth, he took off his other shoe to reveal a picture of an
elephant drawn in biro on the bottom of his foot.
It would have been terrific if it wasn’t for the fact the woman had drawn a turtle.
At first there were huge amounts of laughter, largely because of his confused facial expressions, but it soon reached the point where the audience were becoming restless, wondering if he was
genuinely that bad.
At the rear of the stage was a table that had been there since the start, with a yellow-headed puppet that had massive eyes, wild spiky hair and a large flapping mouth sitting on top of it. Hugo
crossed to the back and launched into a ventriloquist act with the puppet he told them was named Dom. Hugo soon showed how funny he could be with lightning-quick responses from Dom tamely insulting
audience members and almost always making himself the butt of the joke. It drew huge laughs and Jessica couldn’t stop herself from chuckling, mainly because of the ridiculous sight of the
puppet talking in a broad Mancunian accent as Hugo shifted seamlessly from that into his own.
Hugo eventually returned to the front of the stage where he bowed and took the applause, although Jessica hadn’t been overly impressed with the actual tricks. As he was about to leave the
stage, Dom’s voice shouted loudly: ‘Oi, dickhead, we’re not done yet.’
Even though Hugo was nowhere near it, Dom’s mouth flapped open, leading to gasps and laughs in equal measure. Hugo’s lips weren’t moving but the voice was coming from the
direction of the puppet.
Hugo played it straight and Jessica knew from experience that she shouldn’t have doubted him. The pair argued back and forth, before Dom demanded someone competent be brought onto the
stage. He continued to insult various people with their hands up, before finally settling on ‘the purple one at the back’.
Izzy got a big cheer as she carefully made her way to the stage. Hugo asked her to tell the crowd her name and then got scolded by Dom for touching her bottom – even though he clearly
hadn’t.
Dom continued to insult Hugo, with Jessica trying to see if there was anyone else behind the table, or if there were strings somehow controlling his mouth. The puppet said Izzy was making him
feel ‘hot’ and asked her to help him out. Jessica could tell the constable was nervous, but also finding the epilogue hilarious, as, on command, she removed Dom’s shirt and shoes
to reveal the queen of spades stitched into his chest, the number ‘243’ on one foot, and a turtle on the other.
The grand finale coincided with a tram thundering overhead but the applause was far louder as Hugo bowed. Izzy made her way up the steps beaming and clapping, while Dom called her a ‘fat
cow’ as soon as her back was turned. Hugo walked to the curtain and took a final bow, only for a pair of pink knickers to fly over the top of his head. He picked them up and gave a thumbs-up
to the crowd, pocketing them and walking off.
The compere could barely make himself heard as he wished everyone a good night since it was clear who had stolen the show. Izzy couldn’t stop laughing, telling everyone around them that
she had no idea how Dom was managing to talk, let alone how Hugo could have possibly brought off the rest of the trick. Caroline kept saying it was the best thing she had ever seen.
‘Do we get to meet him now?’ Izzy asked Rowlands excitedly.
‘Jess?’ Dave said, raising his eyes, and speaking to her for the first time since they had been in the classroom together.
‘Lead the way,’ Jessica replied, largely because she suspected Izzy would have bashed the door down to get to him anyway.
Rowlands had clearly been before and led them through a side door after swapping a handshake with the security officer, who knew his name. They didn’t have to worry about where to find
Hugo as the half-dozen women who had been in the front row were hammering on a door at the far end. Dave reopened the side door and told the security officer, who radioed for help, leading to a
scene Jessica wouldn’t have believed if she hadn’t watched it herself – seven burly men physically having to eject six middle-aged women from the building, as they thrashed and
kicked in an effort to get through the dressing-room door.
As the security officer came back and told them they were clear to see Hugo, Jessica touched his arm to get his attention. ‘Were they groupies?’ she asked.
The man laughed. ‘They come here every week. Why do you think I have to stand here? After the show, they went all the way upstairs, then went through the staff toilets to get back down
here. They’ll be waiting out front when you all leave.’
‘Really?’
The man laughed again. ‘Whatever you do, love, don’t walk out of here holding his hand, they’ll tear you to pieces.’
Jessica had no intention of walking out holding Hugo’s hand but the fact he had fans who were so devoted they couldn’t bear to see him with another female was astounding. Caroline,
who had met him at her wedding and a Christmas meal, seemed star-struck. But it was Izzy in particular who could barely contain her excitement as Dave knocked on the dressing-room door and Hugo
welcomed them in.
Hugo seemed oblivious to the attention and was sitting cross-legged on a table watching a cartoon on the television while playing with an abacus. Jessica’s gaze was drawn towards Dom, who
was sitting on top of a guitar case in the corner. He was lovely and soft as she picked him up, searching for anything that could have made his mouth move independently. As she turned it around,
Dom’s voice snapped: ‘Oi, get yer hand out of my arse’. The puppet’s mouth hadn’t moved, but Jessica still jumped, looking around to see everyone, including Rowlands,
grinning at her.
‘Very clever,’ she said, crossing the room and playfully punching Hugo on the arm.
As she knew he would, Hugo shrugged his way through Izzy and Caroline’s questions, as if the entire act had been something that had just happened, continuing to focus on the abacus.
Just when it seemed as if no one was going to get any sense out of him, Hugo hopped up and took his shoes off before moving across to the sofa in the corner.
‘I’m going camping next weekend,’ he said with no prior indication that might be what was on his mind. ‘Who fancies it?’
Dave shook his head, although said he might another time. For a moment, Jessica thought she was going to have to remind Izzy she was married, such was her apparent infatuation, but she
reluctantly said she had a child and husband at home. Caroline, on the other hand, was more than up for it and was talking about what she should pack when Hugo looked across the room.
‘Jess?’
‘I don’t do camping.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because I have a perfectly good roof to live under.’
‘Come on, Jess, it’ll be fun,’ Caroline pleaded.
Jessica had been friends with her for a long time and knew she was definitely not outdoor-minded. When they had been teenagers, she wouldn’t even cross the field to get to college in case
she got muddy, instead making them both walk the full way around. Jessica reminded her of that but was met with a very mature raspberry noise.
‘Right then, it’s just me and you,’ Caroline said with a smile that Hugo hadn’t appeared to notice. Instead he was trying to clean the biro-drawn elephant from his skin
by licking his thumb and wiping vigorously. Jessica was impressed at the level of detail given it had been drawn in pen on the bottom of his foot.
Izzy’s raised eyebrows confirmed to Jessica that they were each thinking the same thing when it came to Caroline’s excitement about time alone with Hugo.
Jessica excused herself and made her way upstairs. One of the barmen was sweeping the now-empty club but he didn’t question her presence as she entered the toilets. She was washing her
face and hands when the door went and she turned to see Izzy again.
‘I’m not stalking you around the toilets of Britain, I promise,’ she said, slightly slurring her words. Jessica guessed it was the first time she’d had any serious amount
of alcohol in a long time.
‘If I was going to go cottaging with any girl in Manchester, then rest assured it would be you.’
Izzy laughed and walked across to Jessica, pulling her into a hug. ‘I’ve had a brilliant night,’ she giggled. ‘I wish I could just take him home and keep him in a
cupboard, then bring him out for my own amusement.’
‘I think you’ll have to fight Caroline for him, not to mention his groupies outside.’
As she tried to laugh, Jessica felt her stomach lurch but she managed to stifle the heave, instead turning it into something close to a hiccup.
‘I know I keep asking you but are you all right?’ Izzy asked.
‘Just a dodgy tea last night.’
‘Come on, Jess . . .’
‘What?’
‘Everything’s always a dodgy meal or a lack of sleep, or you’ve been drinking water all morning, which is why you’re in the toilets so much. You can’t think no
one’s noticed?’
‘Who’s been talking?’ Jessica had replied more aggressively than she meant to. When Izzy didn’t answer, she asked again, demanding a response.