Authors: Ian Todd
Everywan’s ears hid cocked up at that last bit, quickly followed by wee appreciative knowing smiles. Johnboy hid hid tae look closely at Wan-bob tae ensure he’d heard right. This wis a licence tae print money that wis being lavished oan everywan by God himsel, so it wis. It wis unbelievable. Wan-Bob Broon looked exactly whit he wis, a well-dressed tap-ae-the-tree gangster, in his prime, who didnae gie a fuck fur anywan, including the batch ae manky minnows sitting in front ae him, soaking up everything he wis pontificating tae them, like some sort ae modern day Julius Cesar. Johnboy guessed Wan-Bob wis well intae his forties, early fifties. He wis aboot five feet eight or nine, bit wis as stocky as a prized bull. He hid a fearsome reputation and people who hid any dealings wae him, preferred tae stay oan that good side ae his. His nephew, Freckles Kelly, who’d goat electrocuted while he wis daeing time in borstal at the same time as Johnboy and Silent, hid been a good pal ae The Mankys. They hidnae run aboot wae Freckles and the rest ae the Garngad uglies oan a regular basis, bit Johnboy, Tony, Silent, Joe and Paul McBride, who by then wis living up in the Highlands, hid known them aw since they wur in short troosers. Wan-bob hid always hid a saft spot fur The Mankys and hid always kept an eye oan them when they wur growing up and usually upsetting the wrang people. He’d also kept Shaun Murphy, The Big Man’s ex-right-haun man aff ae their backs. Shaun couldnae staun the sight ae Tony and Johnboy and wid’ve hid them put doon long before then. In essence, whit Wan-bob wis telling The Mankys in Wan-bob speak, wis that the door wis noo unlocked and that they wur free tae step inside. That didnae mean tae say that they wur being protected by The Big Man or Wan-bob and his loony-goons against people who might or might no take umbrage at the sudden appearance ae these new young Turks. The door hid been unlocked, bit it wid be up tae The Mankys themsels tae defend whit they’d accrued. Whit Wan-bob hid haunded o’er tae The Mankys wis time-limited, so they’d hiv tae take advantage ae that wance in a lifetime opportunity and go at a speed that left the opposition dizzy. The icing oan the cake wis that, until they found their feet, Wan-Bob wid let it be known that The Mankys wur in the good books…fur the time being. That wid allow any wee minor indiscretions, and mair importantly, big major fuck-ups, that wur bound tae occur due tae their inexperience and youthful enthusiasm, tae be patiently ignored tae start aff wae, particularly by people who’d usually wipe The Mankys oot in two seconds flat under normal circumstances. Johnboy remembered looking across at Tony. It hid been his leadership that hid goat them tae where they wur. He felt proud that a wee manky-arsed toe-rag fae St Mungo’s Street in the Toonheid wis fulfilling the dreams he’d harboured since he wis a snapper in short troosers. Johnboy wis also glad tae see that, despite aw the lavishness, Tony hid also picked up oan exactly whit Wan-bob wis spelling oot tae them, and wis keeping that business heid firmly oan they shoulders ae his.
“That’s great, Bob. We really appreciate yer confidence in us and it’s good tae know that we’ve goat yer support. It means a lot tae us, so it dis, bit ye know we’re still gonnae try tae get by oan oor lonesome, don’t ye?” Tony hid gushed, getting that last part in so that there wid be nae misunderstanding. No matter whit Wan-bob wis offering, The Mankys wid be staying independent and daeing things their way.
“Fur Christ’s sake, Tony, hiv Ah no jist said that?” Wan-bob hid retorted, laughing easily, as Johnboy thought he’d clocked a wee irritated tick at the side ae Wan-bob’s eye, that hid appeared and wis gone in a millisecond.
“Aye, well, er, Ah thought Ah’d jist throw that in so there isnae any misunderstaunin later oan, especially wae Shaun and that brother ae his, Danny,” Tony hid said, ever so respectfully, as Snappy goat up and went behind the bar tae refill Wan-bob’s glass, being watched closely by The Goat.
“Hivving said that, we cannae jist be distant cousins either, like ships in the night, and aw that. As Ah’ve said, we’ll help youse young Turks oot, bit it’s only right that we kin expect a few wee favours in return…as and when, that is,” Wan-bob said, nodding at Snappy, as he knocked back the malt whisky that hid jist been haunded tae him.
“Anything in particular?” Peter, The Mankys’ thick-as-shite runner hid stupidly come oot wae.
Johnboy hidnae been mistaken that second time, as, cursing under his breath, he’d clocked the fleeting irritation dance across Wan-bob’s eyes. Peter should’ve kept that trap ae his shut and left the talking tae Tony. Even a deaf and blind wan-legged frog wid’ve sussed oot that the conversation taking place, though seemingly pleasant, wis aw aboot setting doon the ground rules, and being clear aboot whit the consequences wid be, should The Mankys step oot ae line. People like Wan-bob Broon didnae tend tae repeat themsels. Ye either goat the message the first time or ye ended up in the boot ae a car in Greasy Jake’s car crusher, doon oan The Broomielaw.
“Whit Peter means, bit disnae quite get, Bob, is that, of course we’d be glad tae help ye oot anytime. Aw ye need tae dae is gie us a shout, and we’ll be there running, won’t we boys?” Tony hid replied smoothly, jumping in quickly tae rescue the situation, as everywan nodded their heids like a bunch ae lying manky-arsed altar boys at a bishop’s wedding.
It wisnae only Johnboy that hid been embarrassed by Peter jumping in when he shouldnae hiv. Johnboy could tell everywan wis horrified. Peter hid been running aboot wae The Mankys fur long enough tae know when tae keep that geggy ae his shut. Despite it being obvious that he’d realised his mistake the second he’d blurted it oot ae that thick mooth ae his, everywan including Tony hid competed wae each other tae get tore intae him efter Wan-bob and The Goat hid left. Nowan hid jumped in tae defend the stupid basturt either. Everywan knew fine well that it wis their lives that he’d been playing aboot wae.
Within two weeks ae Tam Simpson, his brother, Toby, and Bootsy Bell disappearing, Wan-bob and his bears hid systematically dismantled and transferred aw ae The Simpsons’ and Blaster McKay’s businesses across tae The Big Man. The supposedly smooth transaction hid involved shootings, firebombing, beatings and a couple ae permanent disappearances, wae no a bizzy in sight. It hidnae been lost oan anywan either, that maist ae the retribution hidnae been splashed across the front pages ae the papers either. Before anywan knew whit the fuck hid hit them, the toon hid gone quiet. This wis whit the smartly dressed auld guy, jovially sitting in their midst that night in Jonah’s lounge, wis capable ae, and Peter hid hid the cheek tae ask him tae repeat whit he meant? Wan-bob hidnae been sitting there tae find oot how The Mankys wur daeing. The fact that he wis there, in person, wis tae impress upon them, and Tony in particular, that there should be nae misunderstanding oan their part. If they crossed the line, then there wid be absolutely nowan, apart fae themsels, tae blame.
Efter Wan-bob and The Goat hid disappeared in tae the night, aw The Mankys hid sat and discussed the best way forward fur them as a team. There hid been nae big party celebration or back slapping. Everywan, withoot exception, hid unanimously agreed that none ae them wanted anything tae dae wae Wan-bob and his band ae merry-psychos. Although The Mankys still believed that they wur worthy ae a mention in dispatches, they also knew fine well that The Big Man’s team ae gorillas wur in a different league aw thegither…at least fur the foreseeable future. Everywan sitting roond the tables in the lounge that night wurnae under any illusions either and knew that Shaun and Danny Murphy wid lay waste tae them, the first chance that they goat and that their very existence at the time depended oan keeping in wae Wan-bob and that right-haun man ae his, Charlie Hastie.
Five months ae finding their feet fur The Mankys hid passed before Wan-bob hid decided tae test the water, hence the visit fae Tony and Snappy aroond tae the flat in Heim Street the morning efter Silent hid shot Johnboy’s Ma and Da’s good blue glass fish ornament fae the tap ae the telly.
“We’re gonnae hiv tae respond tae Wan-bob. That’s been aboot a month noo since he first hit us wae this bit ae business. Danny Murphy confronted Peter last night and warned him tae pass oan Wan-bob’s latest offer. He also telt Peter that Wan-bob knows we’re stalling him,” Tony hid announced, ignoring the sound ae crunching glass under his feet, as he walked across the carpet, plapping that arse ae his doon oan the couch.
“Why no jist get it o’er and done wae?” Snappy wanted tae know.
“Because if we gie in noo, we’re fucked furever, so we ur,” Johnboy hid reminded him. “We’ll end up as messenger boys fur him and they Murphy basturts.”
“And if we don’t dae whit he’s asking?” Snappy hid asked.
“Why us and why noo?” Johnboy hid wondered oot loud, ignoring Snappy.
“The basturt’s jist trying tae test us, so he is. That’s why he’s left us alane aw this time. He’s jist been biding his time, allowing us tae live aff the fat ae the land. He could get anywan tae dae this, so he could,” Tony hid cursed.
“Okay, so, where dis that leave us then?” Johnboy hid finally asked, getting fed up trying tae figure oot an escape route.
“He’s upped the ante. He’s come back wae an extra hunner, raising it tae two hunner and fifty quid tae get shot ae Big Deck McGuiness, bit he wants it done within the next week, so he dis.”
“Hiv ye goat back tae him yet?”
“Naw, that’s why we’re up here…we need tae talk and make up oor minds whit we’re gonnae dae,” Tony hid replied, bending o’er and picking up whit looked like the fish’s blue lips.
“Two hunner and fifty? Christ, that’s no peanuts, so it isnae. So, jist so as Ah’ve goat this right. You’re saying that Wan-bob wants us tae plug Deck McGuiness, wan ae Honest John McCaffrey’s angry bears, who’s well-known…”
“And feared,” Snappy hid reminded them, trying tae figure whit it wis that he hid in his haun.
“ …fur running aboot Maryhill and Partick, terrorising everywan shitless,” Johnboy asked, before continuing, “And we don’t know whit he’s supposedly done, bit Wan-bob wants rid ae him. No only that, bit he’s offered us a ton ae money fur oor inconvenience. Whit’s the catch, or his Wan-bob turned intae Santa Claus aw ae a sudden? And whit if we continue tae ignore him? Whit’s he really gonnae dae?” Johnboy hid wanted tae know.
“That looks like an eye, so it dis,” Tony hid said tae Snappy, showing him his glass fish lips. “Bit he kin go and fuck himsel, so he kin. We’re no getting involved in this shite, so we’re no. If we dae this, he’ll be furever up here, sending us aw o’er the place, trying tae take oot anywan he disnae like…saving himsel fae getting his fingers manky. Fuck him. We’ll jist ignore the basturt and see whit happens,” Tony hid announced, clearly chuffed that Johnboy hid been thinking alang the same lines, as he bent o’er again and picked up a bit ae a tail and placed it oan the coffee table beside the tail fin Snappy hid jist found.
“Aye, the cracks oan the ceiling will appear long before the ceiling comes crashing doon oan tap ae oor heids, so we’ll hiv plenty ae time tae reconsider oor position nearer the time. Let’s see how long we kin keep the basturt waiting, eh?” Johnboy hid said and they’d aw laughed, as Tony bent o’er before adding another glass piece tae the jigsaw.
That hid been two days earlier. Oan the day ae Deck’s demise, Johnboy and Silent hid been heiding across tae Woodside tae pick up a bundle ae forged, used rent books fae Bob Montieth, a well-known landlord in the toon and wan ae The Big Man’s business partners. Johnboy and Silent hid been working in partnership, renting unfurnished flats, before using the doctored and stamped rent books as evidence that the couples they sent in tae order furniture fae the big furniture stores hid been staying in the flats and paying their rent regularly and oan time fur mair than two years. Even though him and Silent only used the flat fur a couple ae weeks at a time, the rent books allowed them tae hire-purchase furniture fae the big furniture and carpet shoaps aw o’er the toon. A wee wan or two-bedroomed flat could be fully furnished six or seven times o’er a two-week period, using a dozen different shoapping outlets before him and Silent moved oan tae another flat wae another rent book. The maist flats that they’d hid operating at the wan time hid been nine. The rent books cost them twenty quid each, which wisnae cheap, bit they hid a waiting list ae people, a mile long, who’d aw put in furniture orders via Peter The Runner. The scam wis aw profit, less their original month’s rent ae thirty quid, plus a deposit oan the flat. Peter’s job wis tae line them up wae aboot ten decent, honest-looking couples, who goat paid a tenner up front, tae dae the roonds aroond the big furniture shoaps wae the buckshee rent books, and take oot HP oan the goods. It hid been like stealing sweeties aff ae a slumbering wean in a pram, so it hid. Johnboy and Silent hid been rolling in the financial rewards fae the fruits ae their labour withoot a finger ever being raised in anger. Johnboy’s tactic ae deliberately keeping him and Silent well away fae the rest ae The Mankys hid been paying aff. That hid aw changed efter Tony hid asked them tae drap aff two hunner quid tae his girlfriend, Kim Sui’s uncle’s business, Wee Jimmy Tarbuck’s Chinese Laundry when they wur oot and aboot oan their travels. Jimmy wisnae his real name, and Johnboy wisnae sure whit tag he’d been gifted by his Chinese ma and da when he wis born. Everywan, fur as long as Johnboy could remember, hid called him Jimmy Tarbuck since the sixties, oan account ae him thinking that he wis the funniest fucker oan the planet. In a place like Glesga, where real funny comedians could be found haudin up the corner ae every bar across the city, Wee Jimmy’s claim ae being the funniest wis a tad exaggerated. Even worse, everywan else in the toon thought his jokes wur the crappiest they’d ever hid the misfortune tae hear. Seemingly, when people wur asked whit a fate worse than death wid be tae them, maist people agreed that a night locked up in a cell wae Jimmy won it, hauns doon. When Jimmy hit people wae a joke, they cracked up, no because it wis funny, bit because it wis so bloody awful that they couldnae help themsels fae laughing. The sad thing aboot it wis that Jimmy genuinely didnae realise how bad his jokes wur.