He walked on, into the first apartment. Seeing no signs of life, he turned and headed for the second apartment did she love him because of their situation, or because she just loved him? He had to be out of his mind for daring to hope she loved him, but God, he wanted it to be true.
As he rounded the corner, she stepped into the hallway, hugging a fire extinguisher and aiming it at him as if it were an M-16. “Stop right there.”
He looked up at her face. So much emotion: relief, joy, gratitude. The magnitude of it struck him like a swift kick in the stomach.
“You’re okay.” She dropped the canister. it thudded against the tile floor, and she ran to him, closing her arms, hugging him as if she were trying to crawl inside him. Shaking hard, she buried her face at the crook in his shoulder. “Oh, Adam. You’re okay.”
Her heart thumping against his chest, he wound his arms around her. “I’m fine, honey,” he whispered, stroking her hair.
She reared to look up at him, a smile on her lips and in her eyes. “You look tired-and you smell like soap.”
She’d been-crying. And worrying. Her eyes were still red, and tension radiated from her. He hated it. He wanted her happy. She’d given him more than anyone else in his life. “I showered at Environmental and made a few simulator adjustments.” Before she could ask what adjustments, he kissed her long and deep and with every intention of kissing her until the last of her fears melted.
When she threaded her hands through his hair and let out that sexy moan that turned his mind to mush, he forced himself to separate their mouths. He could get used to this. To coming home to Tracy. This wasn’t home, and she wasn’t his, but for the moment, he could pretend both. Dangerous, tempting pretenses he had never experienced before and innately knew he never would again, but ones he’d hungered for all his life. He wanted to feel what it was like, being loved. If only for a short time.
He loved her. And he wanted her in ways he had no right to want anyone.. Not with this conspiracy hanging over his head. Yet he couldn’t stop wanting her, or needing her.
Needing her? He needed her? Loving created needs?
The realization shocked him, frightened him in ways facing an armed enemy couldn’t. He had sealed off his heart to needing anyone a long time ago, long before Lisa. He’d had to cancel out his emotions to survive, and he’d had no problem keeping them canceled out until now.
But-the truth surfaced-he hadn’t canceled them out; he’d only buried them, just as he’d buried the canister.
She burrowed against his neck. “Did you have any trouble?”
He considered telling her the truth, then decided against it. She’d worry herself into oblivion. He hadn’t expected to run into Gus O’Dell at the chamber. O’Dell hadn’t seen Adam, but it had been a damn close call. If not for Lieutenant Carver’s timely intercession-the second time he’d run interference for Adam-O’Dell would have tagged him. He’d play hell missing the car parked inside the chamber. “No.” Adam looked down at her. “No trouble at all.”
Her smile widened. “I was a little worried.”
She’d been sick with it. He hated and loved that. Few people had wasted their worrying on him. The urge to tell her he loved her hit him hard, but the timing was all wrong. “We need to talk for a minute before you go to the lab and get Dr. Kane to analyze the canister contents.” The thought alone made Adam wary. And until he felt comfortable-at least, reasonably so-he couldn’t allow himself to speak of his feelings. Much of his Intel training had honed his instincts and those instincts had saved his ass too many times for him to ignore them now. He might love and trust Tracy, but he also feared her. Personally and professionally.
She stepped away and crossed her arms., “Talk about what?”
“About what I expect will. happen.” He walked around her and then sat down at the table. “About us.”
Her smile faded. “I think I’d better sit down for this.”
When she settled on the chair across from him, he laced his hands atop the table. “I’ve been in Intel a long time, and I’ve seen next to nothing happen and it sour missions. I know Intel isn’t your world, but you need to know that when things go wrong in it, people die. Not just the bad guys. The good ones, too. And innocents. Men, women, kids rio one is protected.”
“I understand, Adam. I’ve witnessed death firsthand. You reconcile yourself to doing your best and then let it go. The good guys don’t always wear white hats and sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you fail.,’
“You can’t just know it.” He watched her carefully, assessing her reaction. “You’ve got to accept it. To know going in that you might fail, and you might not come out. Those aren’t just words, they’re reality.” His eyes scorched her. “You could die.”
“Yes, I could.” She dipped her chin, stared at the tabletop. “I understand the risks. A lot of people could die.” Tilting her head, she looked back at him. “I don’t know if I’ve got what it takes to do this right. I’m out of my comfort zone-that I do know. Everything is different here. Perspective blurs the rules. I can’t promise not to screw up, Adam. But I’ll do my best.”
Satisfied with that, he nodded and clasped her hands in his. “Now, about us.”
“Adam, wait.” She licked at her lips. “I know we’ve said we care for each other, and I do care about you. A lot. But I have to be honest. Some of what I’m feeling stems from a deep-seated need to protect you.”
Wasn’t it normal to want to protect someone you love?
Pain flashed through her eyes, and gave him insight. “You’re afraid because you couldn’t protect Matthew and Abby?”
“I’m afraid because during all of this, I’ve come to know you. I don’t mean through your files, though that’s a factor, too, I mean you, inside. And I’m very attracted to all the good I see in you.”
The need to self-protect put a bite in his tone. “Hormones have a way of clouding vision, counselor. Don’t mistake them for feelings that aren’t actually there.”
Was - she doing that? Maybe. Maybe not. “Point taken,” she said. “I’ll admit my hormones are active around you; you’re a gorgeous man. But there’s more to this than that.”
He chewed at the inside of his lower lip. “We’re involved in a volatile situation, honey. Trained or not, proximity and pressure impact your emotions.”
Extremely astute man. “That’s part of it, too,” she admitted, more than a little flustered because he seemed bent on not letting her say what she wanted to say. “Look, I don’t mean to make you examine feelings you might not be in the best position to examine right now. But when you left me here, I did a lot of thinking, and the thing that bothered me most was I hadn’t told you how I feel about you.”
He tensed and his expression turned grim: sure signs he wasn’t yet ready to hear that she loved him. “I care a lot, Adam,” she substituted spontaneously. “And I’m grateful.”
“For what?”
“I didn’t think I could care this way about anyone again. You proved to me I can, and I do.” Now what had she said wrong? His expression had turned rock-hard. “is that a problem?”
“No.,’
Terrific. Teeth-pulling mode, and he wasn’t looking directly into her eyes, either. “Adam, what’s wrong?”
“I’m crazy about you.”
““And that upsets you?”
“Hell, yes, it upsets me.” He glared at her. “I trust you, and yet I’m wary of you going to Dr. Kane.” There. The truth. It hadn’t been something he’d wanted to do, but he had gotten it out in the open where they could discuss it. She would probably be ticked, or worse, hurt, but just maybe her reaction would give him the insight needed to make the right decisions. He had to make the right decisions. Too much was at stake to make any wrong ones.
“Why are you wary of that?” She sounded genuinely baffled.
He could tell her, but he damn sure couldn’t look at her while he did it. He lowered his gaze to the oak table. “Because you could tell Kane or Randall Moxley the truth. That I’m alive and I kidnapped you. You could turn me in.
“What?” She jumped to her feet, outrage radiating from her every pore.
Clearly ticked to the gills, and hurt. Regrettable but, damn it, these concerns were too important to just dismiss. “I’m sorry, Tracy, but you could turn me in. That’s a fact. And considering the price you could pay for aiding me, you’d be a damn fool not to do it.”
:,You sorry son of a-”
“Wait.” He held up a hand, then stood up. “Don’t kill me just yet.” He lifted her fisted hand from her side and rubbed the back of her fingertips with his thumb. “I don’t believe You would do it, but you turning me in to save your own neck is a viable consideration.”
“It most certainly is not. I gave you my word.” She glared at him, trembling with rage. “Killing you for pushing me off a roof-now that’s a viable consideration.”
“Are you still pissed about that?”
“Bloody hell, Adam. My knee still feels like a basketball.”
He glanced at it. Barely swollen at all, and no bruising. “Your knee’s fine. Can we get back-”
Her jaw snapped shut. “I might kill you, but I won’t turn You in, okay?”
“It wasn’t an unreasonable fear, Tracy.” He forced himself to look into her eyes. His voice softened. “You feed the good in me. You make me believe there are people who will sacrifice and pay the personal costs for the greater good. You live that belief, Tracy. You do, and it touches me. You touch me.” He closed his eyes, lifted her hand to his forehead, and held it tightly. “And I’m going to go on from here, believing that you won’t betray me.
Solemn, she stared straight into his eyes. “And hoping I don’t disappoint you?”
“Yes.” Hard to admit, but he couldn’t tell her any less than the truth. She didn’t say anything. But she didn’t pull her hand out of his grasp, either. That was a good sign, wasn’t it?
“Have I done anything to make you doubt me, Adam?”
“No.” He’d been afraid she would feel that way. “Nothing. It’s not you, not really. It’s me. And Moxley.”
Her brows shot up. “What’s Randall got to do with this?”
“Directly? Nothing. But you have been friends, Tracy, and he lied about me and about my men. They weren’t fatalities of a typical bomb.”
“Randall and the coroner lied.” After what Tracy had seen in Area Fourteen, she had no doubts of that. Was there anyone who wasn’t involved in this damn mess?
Too agitated to stand still and disclose the rest to her, Adam shoved his hand into his jeans pocket. “I told you Intel has strong suspicions about his integrity, Tracy.
She stared up at him. “And about mine, due to our association, right?”
“Right.” Adam leaned back against the counter, not at all surprised by her frank assessment or her acceptance. She was bright; he had known she would see the implication and his cause for concern.
“And what about you?” She leaned a shoulder against the wall beside the fridge. Its motor whirred softly, and ice cubes plunked down from the icemaker into the bin. “Do you consider-me guilty by association?”
“If I did, you wouldn’t be here.” He was being equally frank. “But I’d be a fool not to realize that sending you to Kane with the chemical canister is a risk. You’re a career officer up for promotion and selection who-as you’ve often reminded me—currently is AWOL. It’s not unreasonable to think you might decide you’ll come out on top of the heap by reporting all this to the OSI and letting me fry by myself So I’m asking you straight-out, Tracy, and I’ll believe whatever you say. Are you going to turn on me? Are you going to advise the OSI that I’m still alive and gathering evidence on the incident? If you do, Hackett will know I’m a liability. One way or an-. other, he will silence me. You’ll be out of danger, and I’ll be dead. If I’m dead, Tracy, I can’t come back for revenge against you. You’ll be safe.”
She stared at him long and hard. “You’re right. But if I did any of that, then the conspiracy would succeed. Hackett and O’Dell, and Paul and Randall-and Nestler, if he proves to be on the wrong side of this-would all get away with what they’ve done. People would die, Adam, and I would have to live with knowing I had let them.”
He didn’t give her a second’s reprieve. “Yes, you would.”
Tracy straightened from the wall, then walked over to him. Standing so close she felt his body heat seeping to’ her through his shirt, she looked up into his eyes. “I want the truth. I want them stopped.” She pressed a hand to his chest, let her fingertips glide down to his ribs, then back up to rest over his heart. “I’ll never betray you, Adam. I swear it.”
He clasped her upper arms and gently squeezed. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, but you’ve got to understand. I’ve gotten to know you, too, and I see what’s beneath the great body and beautiful face. You’re principled, Tracy. Honor means something to you. But all of my life, I’ve been kicked in the teeth by everyone I’ve ever trusted. Every single person. With a track record like mine, I’d be a damn fool to expect anything different from you.” He let his chin sink to his chest, pressed his forehead against hers. “But I do hope you’ll be different.
He pulled in a ragged breath and met her steady gaze. “I want you to believe in me. I want to know that deep down in your stomach, you’re sure I’ve done the right things. I want your trust and your faith, Tracy.” About to continue, he stopped, unable to admit the rest to anyone but himself He wanted her love. More than anything else, he wanted her love. “He]], I don’t just want those things from you, I need them. Don’t you see? My needing anything from you makes you as dangerous to me as Hackett and O’Dell.”
Reeling, Tracy did see it. All of it. Adam’s fear and uncertainty at leaving himself professionally and personally vulnerable. His hope that she wouldn’t betray him as everyone else had, that she would prove different. She saw herself. Her promotion, her Career Status selection, her current AWOL status. She was being hunted down by a powerful superior officer-maybe a group of them who had tentacles and the clout to use them to end not only her career but her life. And she was on a collision course with an opposing, unknown entity who well might be her ex-brother-in-law-a man she’d trusted for five hard, long years. Paul might be an unwitting victim. But he might also be an active participant. Of course Adam asked himself if he was sane or crazy as hell for trusting her. Hadn’t she asked that of herself?