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“Hmm,” she said, “you are looking a bit pulled down.”

She herself was looking quite, you know, bouncy. Hair blow-dried, lipsticked, scented, walking and talking fast like she used to before. Like the fat, happy Mulloo before Tony’s factories ran into trouble. One box of brownies was for me and one for Mummy. To thank us for pointing her in the right direction.

“You know, I was about to lose my mind when I came to see you that day,” she said. “I didn’t know which way to turn. Everything seemed to be falling on my head. You know, na,
that things have been a little bit hard for Tony and me? With his business, I mean. Money’s been a bit tightish. So I thought,
chalo
never mind, I won’t buy so many clothes and I’ll cut down on our expenses and help Tony out a bit by doing some catering on the side and I’ll make do. And I
was
okay, you know. Not happy, but okay. But then that terrible day happened and that bloody bastard took my kitty and my pearls, and I just fell apart. And when Irum told me about this boy I just thought, now this is limit. Now I’m going to die. But then I came to you and your mother and you fixed it. You fixed everything.”

“
Haw
Mulloo, you
tau
speak as if me and Mummy, we were mechanics.”

“No really, if you hadn’t suggested we meet Zain—”

“You never even told me he lives in Toronto.” If I’d known even for one second that he was from there I’d never have let Mummy tell her to call him and be nice.

“I didn’t know myself. I only found out after your mother told me to call him over. I just thought he would be a typical DVD
-wallah
, you know, with no money, no family, no connections.”

“He has money?” Honestly, it will be too unfair if he is rich also.

“To be frank, no. I haven’t asked a lot. Doesn’t look nice,
na
, to poke around too much. But from the things he’s said, I think his mother works in a department store and the father is a salesman for a carpet company. They all moved to Toronto about six years ago. And they had to sell everything to make
the move. Not like Jammy and Baby and all, who keep Canadian passport just in case. But don’t tell anyone, please.”

Department store. Salesman. Thanks God. I breathed out quietly. At least, he’s not rich also. That would be just too much.

“So when’s the wedding?” I asked, just to tease her.

“Irum’s seventeen, for God’s sake. She has to finish college first. And even though Zain is sweet and really, it was he who helped us look at everything differently and made us all so much happier, still we don’t know his family or anything. To be honest, I’m not sure they’re our sort of people. He’s mentioned his aunt and cousins that he’s staying with here and you know, I haven’t heard of any one of them. Not even one. I don’t think they move in our circles. And then Zain is also only eighteen. You know he wants to study films in college? Not business, not law but films. I mean, what a waste of time, no? What do you think it’s like? You take exams on
Pretty Woman
? You do homework on the
Titanic
? No, I don’t think Zain will ever be rich. Pity, you know, because he’s so nice. No, I’m quite happy Irum meeting him in her own house under her parents’ eyes but no talk of marriage please.”

“Irum’s okay with that?”

“You know that big hoo-ha she made about killing herself if we didn’t allow her to marry him? Well, it was all drama. The minute I did what your Mummy said, and started inviting Zain and being nice to him, she never mentioned it again. I think he’s also made it clear to her that this is just, you know, friendship.”

“
Chalo
, Mulloo. It seems like it’s all worked out for you,
haan.
”

“But this catering business. I’m still not hundred per cent sure. I know lots of people are making so much in event managing, but don’t you think people will say, ‘Look at the poor thing, she has to work’?”

“If you really want the truth, Mulloo,” I said carefully, “it’s not something I would ever do.”

“We all know that
you
don’t have any talent. I was asking about
me
. But never mind, I’ll ask Sunny instead. In any case, she knows more about the real world.” And with that she picked up her big bottom from my bed and swinging her bag strap in her hand, bounced out before I could say anything. “Oh, by the way,” she called from the door, “remember Tasbeeh, Farva’s daughter? Last week she eloped with her cousin-brother, the one she’d had an engagement with. Thought you might like to know. Byeee.”

Look at her! Saying I have no talent. And after everything I’ve done for her. Saving her from that fundo. Giving her Zain. Not taking her maid. And this is how she repays me. Mummy is right. Leopards never change their dots. I know what I’ll do, I’ll put it into Irum’s head that she must marry Zain. That will serve Mulloo right. As soon as I recover from this dengue fever that’s just what I’ll do.

I think so, Jonkers has cracked. Properly and completely. He charged in all hot and panting into my sitting room, where worst luck, Janoo and Kulchoo were also sitting playing chess and burst out, “I’m marrying Sana. I proposed to her,” he looked at his watch, “forty-two minutes ago.”

“Wow!” said Janoo, looking up from the board. “Good on you.”

“Congratulations, Uncle Jonkers.” Kulchoo slapped him on the back.

“Don’t be crack, Jonky,” I said. “You can’t.”

“Who is Sana?” asked Janoo.

“She is the woman I love.” Sometimes I think Jonky mistakes himself for Shahrukh in
Om Shanti Om
. The dialogues he gives!

“When’s the wedding?” asked Kulchoo. “Can I be your
sarbala
? I quite fancy being your best boy. Also I’m running low on funds these days. Fifty thousand in presents from the extended family should do me nicely.”

“Excellent. Jonkers, you have my vote of confidence,” said Janoo, making a move on the board. “Good luck.”

“Did you take permission from Aunty Pussy before?” I asked.

“No,” said Jonkers.

“Well, then, you can’t. Go back to Sana just now and tell her it was bad mistake because you forgot to ask your mother first.”

“Why, in God’s name, must he do that?” asked Janoo looking up from the board again.

“You play your game,
ji
,” I snapped.

But Janoo, when he wants, can be as stubborn and as irritating as an ingrown hair.

“Explain yourself,” Janoo said to me.

“You won’t understand,” I said.

“Try me.”

“Yeah, Mum, explain yourself,” said Kulchoo.

“My mother and even Apa here think that I’m incapable of finding a wife for myself. A suitable one that is,” said Jonkers.

“And why is that?” Janoo looked at me.

I crossed my arms across my chest and looked away. “You know why,” I muttered.

“Because Shumaila left me,” Jonkers said.

“So?” said Kulchoo. “My friend Ahad’s mum left his dad three times. And his mum isn’t even—”

“It’s not because Shumaila left,” I said, ignoring Kulchoo. “In fact we
tau
give hundred, hundred thanks to God she ran away. It’s because you
chose
her in the first place that worries us, Jonkers. Obviously you don’t know what’s what. So what did Sana say? I bet anything she must have jumped on you. Elderly girl like her—how old is she, twenty-nine? Thirty?—with no proposals. She
tau
must have thought it—”

“She said no.”

“What?”
I screeched. “Who does she think she is,
haan
? I bet you she is playing some game. To drive up her price.”

“Mum!” yelled Kulchoo. “You can’t speak about people like that.”

“You mind your own business,
ji
,” I snapped.

“No, really, it sucks!” said Kulchoo.

“Why did she refuse?” Janoo asked Jonkers.

“She said her mother and younger sister were financially dependent on her. And that she could not leave and set up home elsewhere and leave them to manage without her salary.”

“See! See! Next thing she’s going to ask is that Jonkers should take care of them all,” I said. “Have it written down from me, next thing we’ll see is Miss Sana and her whole family moving into Aunty Pussy’s house and taking it over and shoving poor old Uncle and Aunty into the servants’ quarters. And then don’t say I didn’t say.”

“Could you please lower your voice?” Janoo said to me. “I can hear you perfectly well. So, Jonkers, what did you say to Sana then?”

Jonky said he told her that she could carry on with her job and in any case he had never intended to touch her earnings and that as far as he was concerned her money was her own and that she could dispose of it as she wanted. If she wanted to give every last
paisa
of it to her mother and sister that was her prer … perog … her business. But Sana had said that it didn’t seem fair and that she couldn’t accept. Jonkers had told her not to worry because he could afford it but still she said
no, she couldn’t become a burden on him and she wouldn’t be able to spend his money with an easy conscious and so on and so fourth.

I still think it’s all a drama to trap him good and proper. Just wait and see if I’m not right. Then Janoo asked what the up-short of it all was and Jonkers said that she had, after a lot of persuading from him, agreed to discuss it with her mother and that she would let him know what her mother said tomorrow.

“Mother will say, yes, yes, yes,” I said. “I’m telling you from now only.”

Janoo scowled at me but Jonkers turned really grateful eyes at me and said, “Really? You think so? I do hope you’re right.”

Crack.

“Jonky Uncle, may the force be with you,” said Kulchoo.

But then it suddenly donned on me that if Sana’s mother knows, she will loose no time in running around all of Lahore announcing her daughter’s engagement to Jonkers, to make sure he can’t go back on it after that. And Jonkers’ hen will be cooked after that because obviously no decent-types with an illegible daughter would give second looks to Jonkers then. I tell you, these Sana-types are so slippery, so slippery that don’t even ask. Like snakes in oil. Aunty Pussy must know immediately.

“Jonkers,” I said, “Aunty Pussy must know immediately.”

He shrugged. “Sure. I’m heading home now. I’ll tell her. Not that her permission matters. I
am
going to marry Sana. Whether my mother likes it or not.”

Something’s happened to Jonkers. I think so it must be black magic. Someone’s done it on him. He always used to be so obedient, so quiet. He didn’t ask his mother before marrying Shumaila because I don’t think so he had the guts. And between you, me, and the four walls, I think so it was Shumaila who marched him into the mosque. Knowing her, she didn’t give him a choice. Jonkers just wasn’t the type who’d have the nerves to go against his family like that. And now look at him. Being so pushy and all. It’s definitely black magic, I’m telling you. Someone must have taken a hair or a nail cutting or something of his and done spells on it and knotted black threads or something. Or they must have slaughtered a black hen outside Aunty Pussy’s house and done something with the blood. But who? To be honest, Sana doesn’t look the type. And why would Shumaila bother now? Maybe it’s just some spell that someone meant to put on someone else and it lost its way and came and got stuck to Jonkers instead. But no point telling Janoo about black magic because he will pooh-pooh it straight away. He’s a septic
na
. Stuppid.

Janoo got up from his chair and put a hand on Jonkers’ shoulder. “I wish you the very best and if there’s anything I can do for you, let me know.”

After Jonkers left I said to Janoo how he could encourage Jonkers like that? Did he have no sense of loyalty? He knew we didn’t want this marriage. Who’s we? he asked me. I said, me and Mummy and Aunty Pussy, who else? And he said that excuse me, but Jonkers’ wishes mattered more. And in any case what had I against Sana? I hadn’t even met her and I’d
taken against her just like that. And I said, excuse
me ji
, but I
had
met her twice and once to talk to also. So he asked me what objection I had to her. And I said that who was I to object? If Jonkers wants, Jonkers can have. You know me, I said, last thing I do is spoil other people’s fun. It’s just that she’s a nobody and probably a gold-dogger also. That’s all.

“Jeez, Mum,” said Kulchoo. “I’ll pretend you didn’t say that.”

“You keep quiet,” I shouted.

“You know what? You make me sick!” he shouted back.

And he stomped out of the room and slammed the door.

“See that?” I said to Janoo. “He talks to me like that because of
you
. You’ve turned him against me.”

“He’s reacting to what you are saying. Not what I’m saying,” he said.

Then Janoo asked me to think back to when I’d met Sana. What about her behaviour had made me think that she was after Jonkers’ money? So I thought back to that meeting in her office and her giving me coffee and agreeing to do my tickets so quickly and being so friendly and all and I said, she was too nice which proved she was after his money. Janoo wanted to know if she’d done flattery of me and I said no. He asked if she’d shown too much interest in me or my family, and who we were and whom we knew. I said no. And then he asked if she’d looked like she was sucking up to Jonkers. I remembered her ordering him back to his chair. So again, I said no.