"Are you asking or telling me?" I growled, never taking my eyes off of his. "How special are you to me, Ryder?"
"Very," he whispered, turning to look away. I wasn't having any of that. I flipped him over and pushed his knees to his chest.
"Hold your legs and don't you dare turn away from me," I snarled, hating that he doubted his own value this much. Ryder looked shocked at my reaction, but nodded and held his legs under his knees. I moved him so that his ass was hanging off the table, giving me more access to spank it. "Why am I mad, Ryder?"
"Because I doubted you and how you feel for me," he answered.
"No!" I shouted, spanking him for giving the wrong answer again. I knew he was enjoying it, but he also got I was serious too. "Because you doubt yourself and think that you are even replaceable!"
"Spence," Ryder whispered, tears filling his eyes.
"
Don
'
t you dare Spence me
,"
I growled.
"
Somehow I
'
ll get you to see the amazing man you are
,
Ryder Jenkins. Whether it be from punishing you when you doubt it
,
fucking you until you can
'
t walk
,
or whatever else I have to do. You
will
get it one of these days!
"
"I love you, Spence."
"I know that, but why can't you see why I love you?" I asked, slapping his ass on every word to drive my point home.
"I can't do this," Ryder cried, lowering his legs. He moved off the table and headed for the door, but I was quicker. I grabbed him and slammed him into the wall.
"You will do this right now, Ryder," I yelled in his face. "I love you, Ryder. Not just your body or the amazing sex we have, I love you! All of you."
"You don't understand," he whispered, turning his head away from me.
"Explain it to me, Ryder."
"I can't, let me go."
"No. I will never, ever let you the fuck go, Ryder," I replied. "If you don't want to have sex, I'm fine with that. But we're having this conversation right now, Ryder."
"I said no!" he screamed, tears flowing down his cheeks right now. "Don't you get it? I'm not good enough for you guys!"
"The fuck you aren't!" I snarled, nose to nose with him. "You deserve more love than we can even give you."
"
I
'
m just a whore
,"
Ryder sobbed
,
breaking my heart. I knew he felt that way about himself
,
even after all these months,
but this was the first time he
'
d
admitted out loud. I lowered him to his feet
,
not letting him go.
"
I am
completely
replaceable! I
'
m a street whore who has nothing
,
no education or skills. All I have is my body and skills in
bed.
"
"That's not true, baby," I whispered, tears streaming down my cheeks now too. "You are so much more than that."
"How can you believe that? My own fucking family didn't," he cried, lashing out and punching my chest.
"
We
are your family now
,"
I said firmly.
"
And we think you
'
re amazing and loving. You are more than I dreamed I
'
d ever have in my life as a partner.
"
"Fine, then show me," Ryder replied. "Fuck me how you like to."
"No," I answered, seeing what he was thinking in his twisted head. Ryder thought I was just saying the words, that I didn't really love him for more than his body, and he was trying to twist this around as proof. "No more sex."
"What?" He gasped, pushing away from me. "Now you don't even want to fuck me?"
"Oh I want to," I snarled and shifted back to human. "I always want to, but you're taking my desire for you and twisting it. I'm not just saying the words, Ryder. And if not having sex shows you that I love the man you are and not just the body you have, then so be it!"
"No, you can't do that," Ryder screamed, looking panicked.
"Why not? Because you think that's all the value you are to me and I'll get rid of you, right?"
"I-I," he stammered, then slumped to the floor in a heap. I knelt down and gathered him into my arms, holding him as he sobbed.
"I love you, Ryder," I said over and over again as I ran my hands over his back, trying to soothe him. "You are not replaceable to me."
"Or me," Luc added, walking into the room. "Or Dean."
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Ryder sobbed, holding onto me for dear life. "I don't mean to be so screwed up."
"You're not screwed up, Ryder," Luc said softly, kneeling on the other side of him. "A few months of love won't undo years of abuse and being treated like shit."
"We know you still have nightmares," I added, hoping it was the right time to bring it up. "Let us help you, baby. Don't hide it from us; we love you."
Ryder sniffled as he nodded against my chest. Luc and I peppered him with soft kisses as he finally started to calm down. "Were you serious about not having sex with me?"
"Yes," I answered carefully, not wanting to set him off again. I was pretty sure we'd opened up enough of his old wounds so they'd start to heal the right way for the day.
"I know you guys love me, really love me," he said quietly. "I just don't understand it. Does that make sense?"
"In a way," I replied, moving so I could sit on my butt before my feet fell asleep. "You think we're seeing something that's not real, and when we do see you as you really think you are, we'll leave you."
"Yes," Ryder whispered, burying his face in my neck. "That's exactly how I feel."
"The reality is you don't see yourself for who you really are," I said. Luc gave me a look and gestured that he was going to leave us alone again. I nodded in agreement, realizing that it might be better for Ryder if he didn't feel we were ganging up on him. "I've never lied to you, baby. You're just going to have to trust me."
"I do trust you, Spence," he replied, moving so he could look into my eyes. "I'll try. I promise I will really try to see what you see in me. Please don't take away us having sex though. You make love to me; I know it's not just a good quick fuck to you. And I love how you can't keep your hands off me. Please don't stop that."
"If you promise to tell me when you have nightmares and what they're about, I won't cut off our sex life," I answered, agreeing with what he said. "And I think maybe you should try talking to someone about what happened to you."
"Actually, I've been thinking about confronting my parents," he admitted. I was proud of him for not keeping that in. Ryder was great at being the happiest one in the room, making sure everyone was always joking and smiling. But sometimes I saw it was fake and that he was hurting, keeping it all inside.
"If that's something you want to do, I'll support you," I said, leaning over and kissing him. "But no more hiding nightmares or if you're sad. You'd be pissed if I hid that from you."
"Yeah, I would." He sighed. "I just didn't want to burden you."
"Instead I've been worrying that there was something I wasn't giving you that you needed," I answered honestly.
"No, you give me everything I need and more," he whispered against my lips. He kissed me then, melting against my body. And as only Ryder could do, it felt as if we were one then. When he gave himself over to me like this, I couldn't tell where he ended and I started. I delved into his sweet mouth, running my tongue over his. And then I had an idea.
"Claim me, Ryder," I said gently as we parted. "Mark me as yours and make love to me."
"What?" He gasped, leaning back to look into my eyes.
"I've marked you, but I'm yours just as much as you are mine," I answered, praying this is the right step to take.
"Yes," Ryder hissed, smiling widely as he rubbed his hard cock against my stomach. He crawled off my lap and went over to his jeans. I watched as he fished in the pockets, pulling out a small bottle of lube. We smiled at each other before I turned around, getting on my hands and knees. I pulled my legs under me, spreading them as wide as they would go and presented my ass to him.
"I love you, Ryder," I moaned as I felt his slicked fingers rub against my hole. He pushed in two fingers to start off, knowing I liked the burning sensation. It felt fantastic as I started pushing back onto his hand. "Give me a third, baby."
"Anything my big man wants," Ryder giggled as he thrust in a third one. He wiggled them all around, stretching me out for several moments. And almost as quickly as they were inserted, he pulled them back out. I felt fur against my ass as he shifted. Seconds later, the head of his cock was pushing into my ass. "Oh god, this is fantastic."
"I was thinking the same thing." I chuckled, taking a deep breath as he worked his dick into me. Ryder started thrusting into me, pushing farther into me each time until he finally bottomed out. "I feel so full."
"I love you, Spencer Fallon," he purred, licking the side of my neck. In wolf form we were almost the same height, so he could reach me there.
"I love you, Ryder Jenkins," I replied, looking over my shoulder at him. "And I always will. No one can replace my baby."
"Good, because this ass is mine," Ryder growled as he thrust forward. Since I was normally the one who topped, it was a whole new array of sensations. Add to that, Ryder's dick was much larger in wolf form.
"Give it to me, baby." I grunted as he pounded into my ass. His balls were smacking against mine so hard I felt it through my entire groin. I moaned wildly as I pushed back, meeting him as hard as I could.
"Mine," Ryder snarled before sinking his teeth into my neck. I screamed at the pain/pleasure that overwhelmed me as my orgasm swam over me like a tidal wave. My cock exploded, shooting stream after stream of cum all over the floor. Just when my orgasm started to subside, Ryder roared out behind him, filling my ass with his seed. The stream was so forceful, I was surprised it didn't shoot me off of him.
The knot extended off his cock, latching onto my prostate and spinning me into another climax. Dropping my head down, I saw how much cum came out of my dick again. I was thinking that I didn't know I had that much in my sac as lights started bursting behind my eyes.
"I love you, my Spence," Ryder panted, sounding far away as I blacked out.
CHAPTER 5
Later that afternoon I was outside working on the barn. Dean had taught us how to look for warped boards and pull them off without damaging the foundation, which was still in good shape. We needed to remove all the bad wood, replace it, and treat the whole barn before the winter. Or we were looking at building a whole new barn in the spring, since the barn in its current shape couldn't withstand another harsh South Dakota winter.
I was enjoying the odd heat wave we were having for this end of October, working in nothing but running shorts. Lost in my thoughts, I used the crowbar to pry off another board. Then I grabbed it and yanked it out, glad for my werewolf strength. It really did come in handy when dealing with any manual labor.
Ryder and Luc were studying while Ethan took a nap in the guest room. Dean and Ethan had had a long talk, getting the rest of the details about how Ethan ended up on our doorstep with a gun. After that, Dean had filled me in on the rest while Ethan lay down. I felt sorry for the man, I really did. But did that mean I was forced to save him?
On the other hand, could I just let Ethan leave here knowing what he'd face back on the east coast? He was going to die, but even more than that, he would have to go back and face Greg. I knew the whole situation wasn't my fault, but I couldn't help feeling bad that he'd been dragged into our mess. The whole thing was just so overwhelming. I had so many thoughts swirling around in my brain I swear I felt like I was losing my mind.
And why were the decisions always up to me? Everyone said they were fine with whatever I decided, but that left the final call to me. What if I made the wrong choice and fucked up our family? But then if I said no, I was essentially sending Ethan off to his death. Then again, I wasn't god, why should I get to chose if he lived or died?
Suddenly full of anger, I threw the crowbar as hard as I could. I watched it sail through the air and smash into the side of the garage. Cringing, I saw I'd just taken off one of the doors, part of a wall, and the bumper of our SUV.
"Want to talk about it?" Dean asked, startling me. I spun around to see him leaning against the side of the barn, arms crossed over his chest with a raised eyebrow.
"Yes. No, I don't know. Fuck!" I yelled, running my fingers through my hair and pulling on it. "I don't know what to do, Dean."
"About Ethan?" he asked gently. I nodded, closing my eyes for a moment before seeing his sympathetic look. "Just do whatever you feel is best, Spence."
"
That
'
s just is
,
I don
'
t
know
what
'
s best.
"
I exclaimed
,
throwing up my arms.
"
And why do I have to make the choice
?
I always have to make the decisions.
"
"How can we tell you what to do on this one?"
"What the fuck does that mean?" I asked, getting pissed by his calm demeanor.
"How could any of us tell you 'no, don't do this', when it's exactly what you did for each of us?" he answered, pushing off the barn. I watched him walk to me, thinking about what he'd said. "You gave each of us another chance at life, Spence. We can't tell you not to do it for someone else."