East Hope (33 page)

“That's a Harry I never knew.” She stared into the flames. “I should have anticipated that they would wonder about the baby's father.”

“They care about you, Caroline. I'm sure they're not concerned about who the father is or why you're here for the winter.”

“Do you ever get lonely?” she asked. “I mean, I know your wife doesn't live with you, and I wondered. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be asking. . . .”

“No. It's okay. I remember that I told you I'm separated. You must have wondered what was going on when Mary Beth showed up.”

He let out a sigh and said nothing for a moment. “I lost my job in Pennsylvania because of a terrible misunderstanding. I hated giving it up. Everything I worked for was over in a matter of weeks. It really threw me. Mary Beth wanted me to move to New York right away. That's where her office is. She'd been commuting to Pennsylvania for several years. It was my turn to live there. This summer she had to be on the West Coast for work. I wanted to come here. Part of the problem is that I hate the city. When I first got to East Hope, it was like a huge relief. I instantly loved the place: the old buildings, the land, the water everywhere you look.”

He paused and stretched out his legs. “The job market in New York is going to be tough. Coming here was a way of avoiding the whole thing.” Will turned to face her. “I have been lonely. Mary Beth kept saying that she'd come and then she'd put it off. I didn't know where our marriage stood. Then she came. But you know that. You met her.”

“She's lovely.”

“Yeah, she is. It felt good to be with her, except something had changed. I keep asking myself if I still love her.”

Caroline kept her eyes fixed on Will. She was glad to finally get a glimpse of what was going on inside him. She'd known there was some story. She was glad he felt comfortable enough to tell her.

“The thing is—we used to be so happy. Ten years.”

His eyes in the firelight appeared more deeply set. He held his hands steepled together under his chin, seemingly deep in thought.

“What will you do?” she asked.

“I'm going to go live with her in New York at Thanksgiving.”

“I see.”

“Mary Beth wants us to try again.”

“You mean try being married?” She pictured the sophisticated dark-haired woman who had stood by him in front of the store.

“It sounds stupid, I know,” Will said. “You're either married or you're not.”

“Would you like more coffee?” She leaned forward to get up. “Or maybe another glass of wine?” She remained perched uncertainly at the edge of her chair.

“No, please. I don't want anything else. I'm probably telling you more than you want to know.”

“Of course not,” she said, easing back into the chair. “It helps to talk. I must admit I don't get many opportunities to talk much myself these days. I've even thought about getting a cat or dog just to have some company. But that doesn't make sense with the baby coming.”

“It's so strange.” Will leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. His face looked a little gaunt to her. Too much running and not enough eating, she thought. “When Mary Beth came to see me last month, I didn't know how I'd feel seeing her again. I love it here. Taunton's has been really good for me. I've learned so much. I'm also tutoring a very bright girl at the high school. It makes me realize how much I've missed teaching. Mary Beth seemed to understand. She said she loved it here too.”

“That's good then.”

“It was fine until I told her I bought the place.”

“You bought it? Will, that's wonderful.”

“I haven't told anyone yet. I wanted to wait until the financing came through. It looks like everything's set. The settlement is in a couple of weeks.”

Caroline felt her spirits lift for the first time that evening. Will would be here now. Except not in the winter. She felt a draft on her neck and thought briefly of turning up the heat.

“Mary Beth doesn't think it's wonderful. Even when I explained it would just be for summers, that I'd get part-time help. Now that I've done it, I worry I may have made a terrible mistake.”

“I'm sorry,” she said.

“I'm the one who's sorry. Here I am, rambling on about my deteriorating marriage. This is nothing compared with all that you've been through. Please forgive me.” He got up and poked at the fire, stirring up the flames. The larger of the two logs broke into two pieces. He pushed them deeper into the hearth.

“I don't mind at all. Marriage is a complicated thing. I was married twice as long as you, yet there were things about Harry I never knew.”

“I don't want to make you unhappy.” Will sat again. The sweet earnestness in his manner made her feel she could tell him anything.

“You're not. I don't mind talking about Harry. I was married fairly young, a common scenario really: swept off my feet by an older man. Harry was a classmate of my sister Darcy's husband. Darcy is the beautiful one in my family, smart too, and I couldn't believe that any friend of theirs would be interested in me. I was working at a magazine in New York, living with three roommates, barely able to make ends meet. He proposed when he accepted a job with the firm in Washington.”

Will appeared to want to hear more. “For a long time,” she said, “everything was perfect. We had Rob, bought our big house, and Harry threw himself into building his career. Then we lost Grace. She died the day after she was born. It was like a light went out. It took me a long time to get over that. Working on the cookbooks and writing the food columns helped. Harry became more absorbed in his work too. I think it gradually became an obsession. When the stock market was down for so long, he made some terrible decisions.”

Caroline leaned forward, resting her hands on her knees. “I made awful mistakes too.” She closed her eyes.

One winter night the year after Grace's death, Harry had come home late from work. She had built a fire in the living room, and after he'd looked in on Rob, she brought his dinner on a tray by the fire. Harry had started to eat distractedly, pushing his food absently with his fork. It had been a new recipe for a beef bourguignonne that had taken all afternoon to cook. She had let Rob paint at the kitchen table to keep him occupied. Cleaning up the huge mess he made had taken a lot out of her.

“Do you like this recipe?” she had said.

“I've had a rough day, Caro,” he replied.

“Mine hasn't been easy either.” She had spoken harshly, annoyed that he wasn't appreciating her efforts. Angry that he'd been late from work once again.

“I lost a major client today. One of my biggest portfolios. They're taking their business to Anchorage Trust.”

“Losing a client. Is that all you ever think about? Losing a daughter is a whole lot worse than that.”

Harry's face had gone ashen. He stood and set the tray on the table next to him. “You think you're the only one who remembers? I wake up every day wishing for my little girl. Still, I have to keep doing my job, trying to make a living. Believe me, Caroline, you don't have a monopoly on grief.” He had stalked out of the room.

The clock in the hall ticked loudly. She opened her eyes, almost surprised to find Will in the room with her.

“I'm sorry, Caroline.” She felt Will's hand on her shoulder. “You shouldn't have to explain all this. Now I'm afraid I've ruined your evening.”

“No, honestly. It's not your fault.” Stupidly, she began to cry. He must think her truly pathetic—in tears at the side of the road and now this. “I must be crazy. I wake up every day and try to convince myself that this baby will change everything.” She stood and walked in front of the fireplace. The flames had died out. A steady heat rose from the coals.

“But you have your son,” he said, and, stepping behind her, he tentatively placed his hands on her arms, as if afraid that touching her might upset her further.

Caroline lowered her head and brought her hands to her face.

“He doesn't know.” She wept openly.

“You haven't told him about the baby?”

She was too upset to speak.

Will drew his arms around her more firmly, as if to support her, to hold her together. She felt the warmth of his grasp above her belly and below her breasts, at her very center. “But you will tell him,” he said, “and if having a child makes you happy, surely he'll understand that and . . .” His voice trailed off, as if finding words to console her was too much to manage.

He continued to hold her while she cried, rocking her lightly like a boat on the waves. She felt his breath in her hair and then his lips on her neck as he kissed her gently there. She took her hands and covered his, still above her belly. Then she froze. The memory of Pete and his kiss, there, on her neck like this . . .

Caroline pulled out of his grasp. “Please, no.”

Will stepped back. “I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. I shouldn't have—”

“You should go.”

Will looked dazed, as if struggling to wake from a dream. She walked with him to the back door and handed him his coat. He didn't put it on, but fumbled with the door, pulling it open wide. A gust of wind blew into the hall. “I'm sorry,” he said again.

She looked up into his eyes and, before she could stop herself, reached out and took his hand once more. “Thank you for being here.” She squeezed his hand firmly and let go. “It's fine. Truly.”

Will was gone. Caroline went back to the fire and watched the final embers flicker in the dark. He had put his arms around her. She couldn't think. Could life become any more complicated than this?

“Yeah?” Rob's voice was clouded with sleep. Yet it was eight thirty in the morning, and Caroline knew that his first class began at nine.

“Sweetie, it's Mom.” There was a pause, and Caroline pictured Rob in wrinkled sheets dragging himself up to a sitting position. She tried to contain her excitement. Now, two days after the party, she'd learned from her Realtor that a couple returning from a diplomatic assignment abroad had offered to buy the house in Chevy Chase. The contract came in five thousand dollars under the asking price, but there were no contingencies. They were offering cash, and they wanted to settle immediately so they could start redecorating and have the house ready for their children, who would be starting school after the new year.

“Is anything wrong?” Rob asked.

She told him the good news. “I'm going in a few weeks to meet with the lawyers and see to having our things go to storage.”

“So?” He sounded annoyed.

“Shall I buy you a ticket? I'd love you to come home the first weekend in November. Our last time in the house.”

“Look,” he said, “I don't want to think about this now. Do whatever. I don't care anymore.”

“Rob, I need to talk to you about something important. It can't wait.” Caroline remembered Will's arms around her. He had given her courage.

“Mom, I have a midterm in twenty minutes. I gotta go.”

“Can't you come that weekend?”

“I've got papers due and—”

“You can bring your books. I've missed you.”

“Look, I'll see you at Gram's at Thanksgiving.” He sounded stressed. “I can't change my plans now.”

“I wouldn't ask you to if it weren't important.”

“Fine. Okay. Don't send a ticket. I'll borrow a car. I'd rather drive.”

Caroline agreed, and he uttered a hurried, automatic “Love you, Ma,” before hanging up.

She sat quietly, savoring her relief. It was set in motion now. She would finally tell Rob the truth. At that moment she felt a few fierce kicks from the small person inside her and a tightness in her chest. Her blood pressure had probably gone up. She sat for a minute on the chair next to the phone and tried to slow her breathing. Listening to the hall clock, she breathed in for four ticks and then out for four more. The baby's kicks subsided. She grabbed her coat from the back hall and went out to her car.