East is East (13 page)

I want to help you, she whispered as he stood there in the doorway, the lunch bucket clutched in his hand. They all wanted to help him. That's why they blasted their shotguns at him and hunted him with their dogs, that's why they played Donna Summer in the swamps and tried to run him down in their speedboats. It was this one's lover, her
b
ō
ifurendo,
the beef-eater and butter-stinker, naked and hairy and with his big dog's prick hanging down like a sausage, who'd run the boat at him when he was half drowned and chased him out of the store when he was starving. He'd wanted to help too.

Still, there was something about her—he couldn't say what it was, couldn't find the word for it in English or in Japanese either. She was sitting at her desk, her back to him, and when she turned he saw her silken legs, long and slim, American legs, and he saw the movement of her breasts and the weight of them. He remembered those breasts from his night in the water, though he was terrified and exhausted and fighting for his life at the time. He was drowning, he was dying, and there were her breasts, naked and appealing under the pale glaze of moon and stars. The whiteness, that's what he remembered, the whiteness of her there and below,
skin like milk in a porcelain bowl. He stepped through the door.

He was terrified, though he had J
ō
ch
ō
and Mishima to sustain him—he was sure she'd betray him, screech till her tonsils fell out, rouse up every sweating
hakujin
cowboy and kinky-haired Negro in the county—but then he caught the look in her eyes and saw that she was afraid of him. For a long moment he just stood there inside the door, watching her eyes. And then, when he saw them soften, when he watched the smile play across her lips and heard her laugh, he shuffled into the room and squatted in the corner.
“Arigat
ō
,”
he whispered, “sank you, sank you so much.” And then he opened up the lunch bucket and he ate.

She offered him more—apples, dates, crackers—and he took it, took it greedily, though he was humiliated. He crouched there like an animal, filthier than he'd ever been in his life, bleeding in a hundred places, stinking like a hog. And in rags. Stolen rags. Negro rags. J
ō
ch
ō
would have despised him; Mishima would have turned his back. He recalled the words of J
ō
ch
ō
on the importance of grooming and personal appearance—life was a dress rehearsal for death, and you always had to be prepared for it, right down to the smallest detail of your toilet, your underwear, your pedicure, your hands and teeth and the color in your cheeks—and he felt humiliated to the depths of his being. He was polluted. Degraded. Impure. Lower than a dog.

“I'll get you clothes,” she said.

He was nothing. He stank. He loathed himself.
“D
ō
mo arigat
ō
,”
he said, and though he was already squatting, he bowed from the waist.

Then she stood. Stood on those lovely slim ghostly white legs and crossed the room to him. She didn't speak. She hovered over him, her eyes lush and consolatory, and held out her hand. “Here,” she said, the voice caught low in her throat, and when he took her hand she pulled him to his feet. “Come, lie down,” and she offered him the couch. He gave up then and let her lead him like a child, let her tuck the pillow beneath his head and whisper to him in her
sacramental tones until his muscles went loose and he felt himself tumble through the wicker, the wood, the earth itself, and into a realm where nothing mattered, nothing at all.

His dream was of baseball—
b
ē
sub
ō
ru
—the game that was his whole life until he discovered J
ō
ch
ō
. He was with his grandmother, his
ob
ā
san,
and she was having a
sake
and he a
hotto dogu
and the players on the field were swinging their bats and the pitcher was pounding the ball into the dark secret pocket of the catcher's mitt. And then suddenly he was down there amongst them, standing at the plate and swinging … not a bat, but the
hotto dogu,
chili, mustard and all… swinging it till it began to swell and grow and he felt he could do anything, clout a homer with every swing, soar into the air like a bird or rocket. He turned to wave at his
ob
ā
san,
but she was gone, replaced by a girl with a baby at her breast… but no, it wasn't just a single girl, there were hundreds, thousands of them, and every one with a suckling infant and every one with breasts as pure and white as … breasts … an avalanche of breasts …

He woke slowly, gradually, a diver rising to the surface of a murky lagoon, and the sleep clung to him like water. It took him a moment, disoriented by his exhaustion and all that had happened to him—he was home in bed, safe in his bunk on the
Tokachi-maru,
nodding off over a lecture at the maritime academy—and then all at once he knew where he was and his eyes locked open. He saw the crosshatching of the wicker, shellacked and faded, and he saw the flowered pillowcase and his own filthy and battered hand. He heard nothing, not a sound. In the next instant he was up and off the couch, cursing himself, cursing her, and then he tore open the door and ran for the woods, his breath coming in torn ragged gasps. How could he have trusted her, he thought, oblivious to slash of palmetto and tug of briar, his adrenaline surging, expecting at any moment to hear the first startled bellow of the sheriff's hounds at his back. The bitch, the false deceptive white-legged
hakujin
bitch: how could he have been so stupid?

This wasn't fair play—
fea pur
ē
—not at all. This wasn't how the
game was played. This was cheating. She'd caught him with his defenses down, caught him when he was ready to pack it all in, to give up and die of shame and ignominy, and she'd seduced him with her voice and eyes and her pure white body and then stabbed him in the back. But he'd escaped her. Oh, yes. And he would never yield again, never—he would be as ruthless and crafty as the high-noses themselves. No more
fea pur
ē
for him. Nice guys finish last—Leo Durocher, the great
Amerikajin
manager of the Brooklyn Dodgers had said that, and J
ō
ch
ō
had said it too.

He tore at creeper and twig, splashed through a scum-coated channel and startled something in the shallows. Finally, winded, he threw himself down in the red muck to consider the situation. For a long moment he held his breath, listening—they came at you with dogs, bloodhounds, he knew that. Give them a sock, a sandal, a cigarette butt, and they could track you to the ends of the earth. He was too frightened yet to be miserable, too exhausted to think straight. But when he calmed down, when the sun dropped below the rim of the world and left the trees in haunted gloom and the birds of the night screeched overhead, he was fully miserable once again, and he began to wonder if he hadn't been just a bit rash.

Perhaps she
had
meant to help him after all. She said she was going to get him clothes. He couldn't very well expect her to have a suit of men's clothes in her cabin, could he? She didn't live there, he knew that much. She came in the morning and left in the evening. He supposed she was a secretary of some sort and that the cabin was her office—and if that was the case, well then perhaps she
had
gone to get him clothes … and food, more food, the meat paste sandwiches and hard vegetables and fruit he'd discovered in the lunch pail, the little cheeses wrapped in foil and a wedge of frosted cake. His
hara
announced itself then and he rose itching from the muck, a lingering sour troubled taste in his mouth, and struggled back in the direction from which he'd come.

It wasn't easy. The shadows deepened; the trees stood in ranks, linked arm to arm, as alike as blades of grass; things swift and unseen whipped through the scrub at his feet. Twice he toppled
headlong into the bushes, the dirty gauze of cobweb and spider silk caught in his mouth and nostrils, mosquitoes harassing him in all their legions. He'd almost given up hope when the tangle of trees released him to the brief remission of the yard.

He froze. It was full dark now, the night clear and moonless. Not twenty feet away stood the cabin, an absence of definition, a shadow that drew in all the shadows around it. Nothing moved. He listened to the chirr of crickets, the hum of mosquitoes, the violent thump and wheeze of his own internal machinery as it went about the business of keeping him alive. What if they were waiting in there for him? What if they were watching him even now, their dogs at heel, guns drawn, fingers twitching over their searchlights?

Step by tottering step, he approached the mass of shadow that was the cabin. Going to school, living with his
ob
ā
san,
swabbing the galley of the
Tokachi-maru,
he'd almost forgotten his own physicality, and here he was, playing another children's game: red light, green light. He took a step and then froze. Two steps. And then another. When he was close, when he could distinguish the horizontal bar of the porch railing from the clot of shadows behind it, he felt a surge of joy. The clothes: there they were! He reached out to the material, the white T-shirt palely glowing. She'd been true to him after all—she was his ally, his friend, his comfort and support, and she did play by the rules, she did, though he must have been as strange to her as she was to him. In that moment, he loved her.

In the next, he was crestfallen. She'd brought him antiseptic and bandages, water and soap and clothing that smelled of scented detergent and the tumble-dryer—but she'd forgotten the most important thing, the thing that made his gut seize and cry out in peristaltic anguish: she'd forgotten food. The apples, dates and crackers, the box lunch, they were nothing, a distant memory, and a great howling inconquerable hunger took hold of him like rage. The bitch, the stupid bitch, she'd forgotten to bring him food!

All right. But he had the clothes, the soap, he had clear clean potable water. Or at least he assumed it was clear, clean and potable—
he could barely make out the basin in the black of the night. He bent his face tentatively to the basin and drank, and to his joy he found the water sweet and fresh, with no taint of the swamp—had water ever tasted so good? Then he stripped off his rags, fumbled for the washcloth and soap and began a long slow luxurious lathering which he interrupted only long enough to stave off the mosquitoes.

When he'd finished, he stood and upended the basin over his head and then filled it again—at least she'd thought to leave the water jug on the porch, he muttered to himself, his gratitude drowned in outrage:
no food—Band-Aid strips, but no food!
He wet his hair, soaped and rinsed it and wet it again. Then he sat on the front steps, still naked, and cut the burrs and thistles and twigs out of it with his penknife. He didn't have much of a beard—a few sparse hairs curling from his chin and darkening his upper lip—and these he tried to cut too, but with less success. Finally, he reached for the shorts and slipped into them with all the satisfaction of a half-grown boy slipping into his
yukata
after a long hot soak.

He carried the T-shirt and the tennis shoes, J
ō
ch
ō
and his penknife into the dark cabin with him. For a moment he stood there in the darkness, smelling her, a sweetness of the flesh and a hint of western perfume that lingered like spice on the air. The cabin was deserted. He remembered the hot plate and the tin of crackers. She must have something here, he thought, anything. And then he took a risk: he fumbled round the place, lost in utter blackness, till he found her desk lamp and switched it on.

The room sprang to life, a dazzle of color and dimension—a room, habitable space, four walls and a roof. He was inside. He'd spent his whole life inside, and now he was inside again. The windows glared at him, opaque with light, and he knew he was visible to anyone standing out there in the night… but he didn't care. Not now. Not anymore. All he cared about now was food. And where was it? Where did she keep it? He scanned the room—the rows of books, the typewriter with its curling page, the fireplace, the chairs and loveseat—finally settling on the flimsy little table
that held the hot plate. There were coffee things there: a mug, a spoon, a ceramic container with packets of Sweet'n Low and non-dairy creamer, a boldly labeled jar of decaf. And that was it. Nothing else. Nothing to eat.

For the next half hour he sat there in a pool of golden light, treating his wounds and sipping decaffeinated coffee—one cup after another. There wasn't much nutrition in it, he knew—some soya protein in the creamer, maybe—but he loaded his cup with the artificial sweetener and the packets of dry yellowish powder and told himself he was having a rich and satisfying meal. He dabbed gingerly at his torn flesh, examined his poor battered feet like a pensioner in his garret. He squeezed the pus and flecks of dirt from the infected cuts and abrasions that striped him from head to toe, treated them with stinging iodine and soothing peroxide, and applied the Band-Aids one atop the other till his legs and arms and chest were a pale wheeling collage of plastic strips. He took his time, and his heart beat like a clock, strong and steady. To be here, to be inside, in this space separated from the hard ground and naked sky, was a quiet miracle. That it was her space, that she was here during the gathering hours of the day, made it all the sweeter. He felt, at long last, that he'd been rescued.

When he was done—when he'd used all the Band-Aids, drunk all the creamer and emptied all the packets of Sweet'n Low—he flicked off the lamp and stretched out on the wicker loveseat. He would spend the night—this one, at least—under a roof, instead of scrabbling around in the mud like an animal. God, how he hated nature. Hated the festering stink and the wet and the gnats in his eyes and ears and nostrils. The wicker was hard beneath him, but it didn't matter. He closed his eyes and settled himself, the obscene drama of the night, with all its comings and goings, its little deaths and devourings, its spiders and snakes and chiggers, out there where it belonged.