Echoes of a Distant Summer (93 page)

S
erena sat tiredly on an uncomfortable, metal-framed plastic chair in the hospital hallway, watching the white-garbed medical staff walk up and down the halls. She rubbed her eyes. She had just come out of the darkness of Elroy’s room, and the unremitting glare of fluorescent lights in the hall was forcing her eyes to adjust to brightness. If there was anything in the hospital she really disliked, it was the lighting, which seemed to be the antithesis of a healing environment with its cold chemical luminescence. The banks of fluorescent tubes always seemed to bring out the blue-gray pallor of illness even in healthy people.

A young nurse stopped in front of her. “Mrs. Tremain, why don’t you go home for a while? You’ve been here twenty-four hours a day since your son was brought in. He seems to be resting easily now since his second surgery. I’m sure you’d be more comfort to him if you took care of yourself.”

Serena looked up into the nurse’s concerned face and shook her head. She thought, I have no place to go and no place where I’d rather be. For her nothing mattered more than Elroy’s health. She felt that if she could right any part of the wrong that she had done, she would rest easier. If she had any doubts, all she had to do was walk down the hall to the elevators and there waiting for her were the ghosts. While she remained in the hospital with Elroy, they left her alone. It was the first peace she’d had since Amos’s funeral. There was no doubt in her mind that if Elroy should die, she would have no respite from the wraiths that now waited for her.

The nurse, concerned by her silence and the faraway look in her eyes, asked, “Are you sure you don’t want me to call you a cab? If you stay here any longer we may have to hospitalize you.”

“I’ll be all right, dear, as soon as my son is out of danger.”

“He’s out of danger now, otherwise they wouldn’t have released him from intensive care. If he keeps improving the way he’s going, they should release him some time in the next two weeks, provided that he’ll get good home nursing care.”

“He’ll get everything that money can buy and a supportive family can provide.”

The nurse smiled. “Mrs. Tremain, I wish all parents cared as much as
you do. Your son is a lucky fellow. I may nominate you for Mother of the Year.”

Serena’s smile acknowledged not the compliment, but its misplacement. “That’s kind of you, but I don’t deserve it.”

“And humble too?” The nurse shook her head appreciatively. “You’re pretty special, Mrs. Tremain. All the staff on this floor think so. Well, I’ve got to clock out. I’ll see you tomorrow and I hope that you’ll get some rest between now and then.”

Serena thanked the nurse and watched her walk down the hall toward the nursing desk. She had no doubt that if Elroy’s full story were known, the nurse would think differently. She stood up slowly and discovered that she was stiff from sitting in the uncomfortable chair. She walked back to Elroy’s room and entered into the welcoming darkness. She heard intermittent snatches of speech coming from his bed. She crossed over to him and stood beside the bed in the semidarkness, watching him. Elroy seemed to have fallen into a delirium again. In the past few days he’d had several bouts of semiconsciousness in which he often mumbled and sometimes shouted. As far as Serena could tell, most of the time he was remembering some military or police-related experience. The nurses had told her that these bouts were nothing to worry about unless they were attended by a fever. He was tossing and turning as much as his injuries would permit. She leaned down to feel his forehead as he began muttering.

His voice was whispery and emotional. “Papa! Papa, why is them white men burning down our house? It’s burning to the ground! Mama got out, didn’t she? Oh, God, Papa, is that Ruthie all burned like that? She smells like barbecue, Papa! Please, God, don’t let that be Ruthie! Judah, Papa been shot! Oh, no! No, please, God, don’t let him be dead! What we gon’ do? Don’t hit me, Judah! I’m running for all I got! I hear them bullets whistling! Which way, Judah? Judah?”

Serena watched as Elroy’s voice tapered off, but she saw that he was still deep in his delirium. His head twitched back and forth on his pillow and he began panting loudly, making a gurgling sound deep in his chest. Serena was alarmed. This was new behavior and it didn’t look good. She moved to the head of his bed and searched for the nurse call button. Elroy did his best to shout in his whispery voice, “Judah? Judah, don’t play now! Please, don’t be dead. Oh, God! Please, God! Don’t let Judah be dead!” The force with which he spoke caused him to cough
and gasp, but still his words were distinct. Serena heard them clearly; each word burned through the casing of her heart, striking deep within her, like molten metal falling onto solid ice. She was beginning to have trouble breathing. She traced the call button’s wire, finally locating it under his pillow, and pushed it.

She stepped back away from the bed. Was there no escape? Was she going to be continually confronted by her crimes? Serena sat down in a chair to catch her breath. She knew the story of the Caldwell family. She had been contacted by the nuns when they were first thinking of adopting Elroy. Using the mother superior as her go-between, Serena had sent a message to the Caldwells through her attorney that she would assist in the education of all their children should they decide to adopt Elroy. The Caldwells declined her offer, saying that they chose Elroy because of what was in his heart. At first, Serena had thought her worries were over, but Tini’s subsequent death and Della’s continued miscarriages eradicated that presumption; then four years afterward, the orphanage contacted her again and informed her of the circumstances surrounding Elroy’s return. Now, forty-nine years after the fact, she was hearing his firsthand account of the tragedy.

The nurse, a stocky Filipino woman, pushed open the door and entered the room. “Something wrong, Mrs. Tremain?”

“Well, he’s in some sort of delirium and he’s moving pretty wildly!”

The nurse walked over to Elroy’s bed and reached down and grabbed Elroy’s hand. She said firmly, “Push the red emergency button!”

Serena did as she was bidden. She asked anxiously, “He’s not in danger, is he?”

“No, he’s torn out his IV and it’s making a bit of a mess, but I think we want to sedate him right now before he does any more damage to himself. I need some help. Your son is a big guy. Might be better for you to wait outside when the other nurses get here. We’re going to need to change the linen on this bed.”

Serena stepped out into the hall as the reinforcements arrived. The brightness of the corridors accosted her eyes once more. She returned to the same uncomfortable chair that she had sat in before. She inhaled deeply. Her chest had gotten tight as she had listened to Elroy’s memory of the Klan attack. Serena put her head in her hands and began to cry. There was no sound, the tears just began to flow. They dripped down her face leaving the streaks of their passage. One of the nurses
stepped out of Elroy’s room and saw her. The woman came quickly to her side.

“You shouldn’t worry, Mrs. Tremain. Your son is all right. It was just a bit of thrashing. Why don’t you go and rest. We’ve replaced the cot you’ve been using with a real bed. Why don’t you go lie down. We’ll have someone check on him every hour. I wish all our patients’ families were as supportive as you are.”

The nurse helped Serena to her feet and guided her back into the room. Serena lay down on the bed provided and she remembered no more until she awakened in the wee hours of the morning. Restless dreams and a full bladder caused her to get up and make her way into the bathroom. On her way back she stopped by Elroy’s bed and saw that he was sleeping calmly. In his face at rest, Serena again saw traces of King. There was no doubt it was predestined that he would be a part of her life. She felt abashed and humbled by the forces which had caused her to finally accept him.

Serena had been a churchgoer, but had never spent much time in prayer. She had always been more concerned with the appearance and impact of her own presence rather than devotion. However, she felt this was a good time to reestablish her relationship with the Almighty.

Serena got down on her knees and began to pray out loud. “Lord, I know it’s been a long time and maybe I don’t have the right to ask, but I’m asking you to help this man back to life. I don’t know whether he’s a sinner or a saint, whether he’s lived a just life or not. But I’m asking you to lighten his load and help him to heal because I’ve sinned against him. I’ve wronged him and I’m asking you to help me right that wrong. I can’t undo the bad that I’ve done and I know there is no atonement for me, but maybe you can do something to put a smile in his heart and a spring in his step. Help him find joy in life.” Serena fell silent as she pressed her face against the cold metal of Elroy’s bed rails. She began praying once more. “I know I’m a sinner, Lord. I’ve done terrible things to people that I loved. I’ve stunted the lives of my sons and destroyed my family’s ability to bear children. I look back on my actions now and there seems no justification for them. I know that hell awaits me and I do not seek to turn away from it. I ask nothing for myself. I ask only that you look kindly on the family that I have nearly destroyed and help them find peace and joy—” Serena heard movement in the bed and looked up. Elroy was lying on his side, staring at her. She was embarrassed,
as if she had been caught undressed. She dipped her head to him and said, “I’m sorry if I awakened you.”

Elroy said nothing, he just looked at her. Serena exhaled slowly and began to pull herself to her feet. As she stood up, Elroy asked in his whispery voice, “Why did you leave me in that orphanage?”

Serena looked down at the floor and shrugged helplessly. “I was a petty, jealous woman. I was afraid for my oldest boy, LaValle. He wasn’t tough like his brother Jacques, like you. He was a weak boy who, through my ignorance, I helped turn into a weaker man. I knew it was wrong, but once I got on that road I couldn’t get off. I know you can’t forgive me and I won’t ask you. But I will ask you to get well and not waste your life like I have. Don’t waste time hating me. The Tremain family is your family and they need you. They need someone to help pull them together. I can’t do it, but you could do it. You’ve always been part of this family; I was the one who prevented you from being included. Now I’m begging you, please come and help us. Help us be a family.”

“Is that why you’re here? To ask me this? Why now? Why after all this time?”

Serena started to cry again. “I’m so sorry for the wrongs I’ve done you. I needed to apologize to you in person and be of assistance to you in your recovery. I just want to do anything I can that will be of help to you. I’ve ruined so many people’s lives. It’s hard to live with the weight of it.”

Elroy didn’t reply immediately. He was silent for almost five minutes. Serena began to fear that he would ask her to leave. She started to turn away when he began to speak. “I know that you’ve been here all the time. I remember seeing your face each time I woke up. The nurses told me that you brought in a surgeon from Johns Hopkins to operate on me. I guess I owe you something, maybe even my life.” Elroy paused to catch his breath. When he continued his voice was a bit stronger. “I say, let the one without sin cast the first stone. Sorry is all you can say to God. I accept your apology.”

The tears welled up in Serena’s eyes. She reached hesitantly for his hand and gripped it lightly. “Oh, thank you. Your willingness to forgive me means so much. I can’t tell you. Thank you.” Serena stood in silence by the bed, gratefully holding Elroy’s hand. The irony of the situation was not lost on her. She was receiving comfort from the original one
she had wronged so long ago and out of all of her family, he was probably the only one who would accept her apology. She squeezed his hand gently and asked, “Can I stay here with you?”

Elroy nodded, closed his eyes then said, “I thought I wanted revenge. I thought killing those responsible would make me feel better. That’s why I went to the DuMonts’, but when I saw him I knew I could kill a million like him and it wouldn’t change a thing in my life. The cruelty was committed a long time ago and the years have covered it with dust. It’s time now to leave all that behind and leave the dust undisturbed.”

Serena dabbed at her tears with the back of her sleeve. “I’m so grateful that you allow me to stay here with you. I’ve been so stupid and petty that no one in my family cares about me or wants to spend time with me. I can’t even look into their faces without feeling shame.” She put her free hand to her face and covered her eyes.

Elroy watched her for a moment then said, “I know what it is like to mistreat those you love. I tried to make my sons tough. I was hard and demanding with them. I let my oldest son go to Vietnam and I never told him that I loved him. When I got the telegram telling me he had been killed, I felt like an absolute fool, like I had thrown away a divine gift. I was no better with my youngest son. I knocked him down when he was sixteen and he never forgave me. I haven’t seen him in over ten years and he’s nearly twenty-eight now. I’m no winner either.” Elroy swallowed hard and continued, “I know what it’s like to find out you’re going down the wrong road and being unable to make yourself turn back. To know you’re wrong, but keep doing it anyway. I’ve been there. I did it with my wife and my boys. Not once, but over and over again. I’m talking about brutality, hurtful things. Don’t get me wrong, I never raised a hand to my wife or my oldest son and I only hit the younger one once, but that doesn’t excuse me from being a brute. Sometimes I knew I was standing right on their hearts, squashing them flat. Sometimes I even thought I could see them shrivel inside, but I never stopped what I was doing. I didn’t keep doing those things to be hurtful, I kept doing them because I didn’t know any other way. I look back on those times now and I see that I had a thousand other ways to accomplish my goals. Now, I got nothing. My life is as blank and empty as that hospital wall. You see, you’re asking the wrong guy to help you pull your family back together.”

Serena knew intimately of what he was referring to when he mentioned
being a brute. She knew all about being brutishly correct and coldly perfect. She had played those hands in spades. She knew of the emptiness. The fearful shape of darkness. The silence of a still house, a silence broken only by paid staff. There was no living person that she could point to whom she had given her love. Money she had given, and she had made all who had received it pay dearly for that gift. She had squeezed out her pound of flesh before gratitude could flow of its own accord. The unfortunate thing about a pound of flesh was that it could not be stored. Once it was pressed from the unwilling victim, it disappeared, leaving nothing but resentment. She who had dreamed of a joyous house knew that she herself was the reason that no fire could bring warmth to her still hearth.