Echoes of Dollanganger (10 page)

Even though I never spent any time with Kane and his sister together, I could tell that he had a very good relationship with her. Was she as critical of their parents as he was? Did they complain about them to each other? She surely must be complaining to him about her mother's attitude toward her boyfriend. In how many families that I knew only on the surface were the children allied against their own parents? Even if
I had a brother or a sister, I couldn't imagine the two of us being adversaries of our parents, especially my father.

How ironic this was all becoming. In the beginning, I was afraid that I would be the one who revealed too much about herself, but it was starting to look like it might be Kane who did that. Was I ready for the revelations? Did I want to know them? What sort of a Pandora's box had I opened by agreeing to read the diary with him? Of course, I didn't bring up any of this, even after the school day had ended and we were on our way to my home. All day, I had tried to distract myself from these heavy thoughts.

The girls were all talking about Tina Kennedy's party the coming weekend. Unlike Kane's recent party at his home when his parents had gone on a trip, Tina's party was promising to be wild. Her father owned lots of real estate, and one of the properties was an adult bar outside of Charlottesville, so everyone imagined there would be a good supply of booze, and Tina had an older brother in his third year of college who seemed to have an endless supply of mood-enhancing drugs. Lately, she had practically dared me not to attend. In her effort to win Kane's attention, she was portraying me as the class “goody-goody,” who was capable of turning “state's evidence” when it came to whatever my girlfriends and the boys did. She didn't want me to be trusted. I complained to Kane about it, but he didn't want to take any of it seriously. That was beginning to annoy me.

To counter her insinuations, my closer friends, like
Suzette and Kyra, were telling everyone that Kane and I were really getting it on at my home after school almost daily. I wasn't happy about any of that and was even a little irritated at Kane's indifference to the chatter. Until now, that was his charm, his “coolness,” as most girls put it, but I had seen him be quite the opposite in the attic.

I suggested that he and I boycott the party.

“Why give her the satisfaction?” he said. “We can handle it. Don't worry.”

We both had a light load of homework that day, which Kane took to mean we could spend more time on the diary.

“We'll order in Chinese or something, okay?” he asked.

“Sure,” I said. He drove a little faster than usual. Neither of us said anything more until we entered my house and went up to my room to get the diary.

“I just want to freshen up a bit,” I said when he turned to the door.

“Go to the bathroom?”

“Just freshen up. Go on ahead if you want,” I said, and to my surprise, he did just that.

I was even more surprised at what he had done by the time I got up there. He had moved furniture around so it resembled the Foxworth Hall attic as much as possible.

“Gives a better idea,” he said when I just stood there looking at it all. “Okay?”

“We have to move it back before we leave.”

“Oh, absolutely. No problem.” He got into the chair and looked at me. I moved to the sofa. He began.

Momma had told us about the grand Christmas party her parents were having, and Cathy pleaded and pleaded for us to be able to see it.

“How can I let you do that?”

“We'll hide and watch. We'll be careful. Please,” she pleaded.

Momma looked at me. I knew she was hoping I would disagree with Cathy or help her explain why it wasn't possible, but I was just as tired of being confined and seeing nothing beautiful and fun. She read it in my face, thought for a moment, and then pulled us aside so the twins wouldn't hear us.

“Okay. I know a place where you can hide and watch. Just the two of you. The twins wouldn't be able to contain themselves, and they would give us all away. Promise not to tell them, and promise to wait until they are fast asleep.”

We did, and she promised to come get us and take us to where we could watch the party unseen. I thought Cathy would be ecstatic about it, but the moment Momma left, she took on a long face.

“What?”

“She won't come back. It will be like our wonderful Thanksgiving dinner. Something will prevent her.”

“Give her a chance,” I said, but in my heart,
I bore the same skepticism. Momma was good at making promises and then finding explanations for why they were broken. But that was something I thought I would never tell Cathy.

Fortunately, this time, I didn't have to consider it. Momma showed up looking more beautiful than ever. She looked like a princess, a movie star, in her formal gown, which showed more cleavage than I expected, especially in this house with our grandmother. I couldn't take my eyes off her. Even when I was younger, but not too young to appreciate a naked woman, I wasn't as moved, even when she had paraded nude in front of us. Maybe it was because it was so long since I had seen her so bright, the crests of her breasts so crimson with excitement, her eyes as dazzling as her diamond and emerald earrings, that I found myself so taken. It was easy for me to imagine how my father had been so smitten with her beauty and impervious to any suspicions of incest. I could feel my own sexuality stirring, and I was admittedly ashamed. How could I have these thoughts and feelings about my own mother?

Kane paused and looked at me with a strange expression of guilt on his face. In fact, he seemed to cringe in the chair.

“What?” I asked. “Why did you stop reading?”

I expected him to go into his theory of the Oedipus complex again, but he surprised me. “I remember when I first had a similar feeling.”

“What similar feeling?”

“Feelings about my mother. I've never told anyone. I've read about it, of course. I don't have an Oedipus complex,” he added firmly. “The jury's still out on whether that even exists.”

I didn't know what to say. I just stared at him.

“I was just a little more than twelve. For the previous year or so, my mother had become very careful about undressing in front of me or appearing undressed where I could see. She always closed her door, but one time, she didn't, and . . .”

“You saw her naked?”

“Worse. She and my father were on the verge.”

“Oh.”

“I couldn't help becoming aroused. Sometimes you just can't help it,” he quickly added. “It just happens, especially for boys. Understand?”

“Yes.”

“It never happened again,” he said. He looked angry now.

“I'm sure it's quite normal, especially at that age, when you were just . . .”

“Breaking out,” he said. Then he smiled, which gave me an instant sense of relief. “And not just with pimples.” His expression changed again, returned to a cross between anger and guilt. He looked around the attic and nodded to himself.

“What?” I asked. What was he thinking now?

“This is our special place now, Kristin, our attic of secrets, right?”

“Of course. We both took blood oaths.”

“I'm serious.”

“I am, too. I was the first to demand that, Kane. And I would never repeat anything we say to each other up here, especially because of the diary.”

He nodded, looking satisfied. “I'm sorry. I just . . . I've never been so honest with anyone else, even my parents or my sister.”

“Then I'm flattered,” I said, and his smile returned.

“You're very special, Kristin. I mean it. I'm happy you trusted me with this. I know what that means to you.” He looked down at the diary in his hands.

“Go on,” I said. “It's all right. You haven't done or said anything that would change my mind.”

I told him that, but I wasn't as confident about it as I made it sound.

Nevertheless, he nodded, smiled, and began again.

Momma smiled at me as if she knew how intoxicatingly beautiful I thought she was. Why should I be surprised? She was always good at reading my thoughts.

She warned us not to stay out for more than an hour, as the twins might waken, and then she took us to a place she said used to be her own hiding place from which to spy on adults, a massive oblong table with cabinet doors underneath. There was barely enough room for Cathy and me to crawl under, but through the fine mesh screen, we could see the grand ballroom below, all lit with candles. The elegantly dressed men and women, the women
with glittering jewels, the huge Christmas tree with what looked like hundreds of lights and ornaments, the dozens of servants serving champagne, the display of foods being served by chefs, and the music made it the greatest display of wealth we had ever seen. Momma hadn't lied about this. They were rich, very rich! She hadn't exaggerated about that.

I looked at Cathy. Her face was so full of wonder it brought tears to my eyes. All these months of boredom and depression, sickness and cold, and reams and reams of cruel words spewed at us, all of it paled at this moment. A curtain had been lifted and showed us what could one day be ours, too! Oh, how worth it our struggle has been, I thought.

I looked at my sister and smiled at the way she was dazzled before my eyes. She could easily grow into one of those beautiful women below, as beautiful as Momma, I thought. We watched Momma, who was talking to a man about my father's height. Suddenly, he took her hand and kissed it. I felt like an arrow of ice had just been shot into my chest. Cathy nudged me.

“Did you see that, what she let that man do?”

Of course I had, but instead of talking about it, I talked about what our parties would be like when we were finally accepted and living in this grand mansion.

I thought we had seen all we would that would shock and amaze us, but suddenly, our
grandmother from hell appeared, only now she looked as elegantly dressed as any of the other women. Cathy was astonished, too, but could only remark about her size. Somehow, among other women, she looked even taller than when she loomed as she stood above us.

And then the most astonishing thing of all happened. Our grandfather was brought in, in his wheelchair.

“It's him!” Cathy muttered.

He paused and slowly raised his head and looked up in our direction. I was positive he was smiling. Instinctively, I pulled back, but Cathy remained staring down at him.

“He looks like Daddy, only older,” she said.

“Why wouldn't he? He's Daddy's half brother.”

“But—”

“Shh,” I said. There were two people nearby talking, a man and a woman. They talked about our mother. The woman was uncomplimentary, but the man, whom she called Albert Donne, raved about Momma and wished she was his instead of belonging to someone named Bartholomew Winslow. They confirmed that Momma was once adored by her father and would inherit the fortune, but neither was happy for her. They drifted off.

“Who's Bartholomew Winslow?”

“Let's go,” I said, instead of trying to come up with an answer. I knew it had to be the man who had kissed her hand and was paying so much
attention to her at the party. “The twins might have woken up.”

Cathy wanted to stay longer, but I made her leave and return to our little bedroom. The twins were still fast asleep. Both of us stood there looking at them, stunned and dazzled by all we had seen and heard.

“Is Momma going to marry this Bartholomew Winslow? Is that what those people meant?”

“How do I know?” I snapped back at her. I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help it. The woman I had seen below at that grand party was different from the woman who had brought us to Foxworth Hall, and I was afraid of what that difference might mean.

Suddenly, I felt defiant and excited about a new idea. Why not take advantage of this opportunity to explore the house and really understand where we were? Momma was occupied, I told Cathy, and the door was unlocked. We wouldn't get a better opportunity. She was worried that our grandmother would find out and whip us, but I thought I would go up to the attic, find some clothes to use for a disguise, and then go out. I found an old dark suit that fit well. Cathy stared in amazement as I paraded boldly before her, pretending to be some old gent.

“I'll never be recognized,” I declared. She still looked quite terrified but told me to go explore. She made me promise I wouldn't be too long. I pretended to be a hero about to embark on a
dangerous venture to save us both by learning the secrets of the mansion. She smiled when I swept her up in my arms, and for a moment, inhaling the sweet scent of her freshly washed hair and feeling the smoothness of her skin and the closeness of her body naked beneath her new nightgown, I felt a rush of passion, heat rising from my thighs, through my body, and into my face. I kissed her cheek, and the kiss was such a surprise to both of us that we stood motionless for a moment. Then I forced a laugh and, pretending to be a knight in armor, rushed out of the room and into the mansion of secrets.

Kane paused, looked at me, and then jumped up and came over to kiss me.

“Why did you do that?” I asked, smiling.

“Christopher kissed his sister. You said we had to do what they do when they do it.”

“I didn't mean literally,” I said.

“Maybe you did and you didn't realize it.” He returned to his chair. “You hear anything that surprised you?”

“Don't try to be a teacher, Kane. Remember, this is supposed to be different from a school assignment.”

He laughed. “Sorry. Okay. You heard how the old man looked up at them and smiled?”

“Christopher said he thought it looked like that. He wasn't sure.”

“The old man knew they were there,” Kane said, nodding. “Your uncle's contact was right, I bet.”

“Okay, I'll play along. What do you think it all means?”