Authors: Irvine Welsh
– Well, we’ll see, ah say tae Nukes, noticing how different each ay his profiles is. One side ay his face is dead handsome, the other really geekish. The American-evening-television Nukes and the American-daytime-television Nukes. I’m tryin tae visualise Heather in her totality. All I can think about is eyes and face. It strikes me that ah dinnae even ken what her tits and arse are like: size, shape, form n aw that. It surprises me; ah always clock that sort ay thing first. My face seems never tae be more than a few feet fae hers when we’re the
gither
. This is defo different, but it would be fuckin horrible tae die the now, just fuckin peg oot withoot ever huvin that total sense ay her.
– Tread warily, Lloyd, that’s aw ah’m sayin, Nukes turns tae show off his good side, – Ye ken how easy it can be tae feel great aboot somebody when yir eckied up. Ah mind ay once a few ay us gaun through tae a Slam do oan the Renfrew Ferry. Ah wis jist comin up oan ma pill n Henzo comes runnin up tae ays sayin, fuckin battle stations here, ye cunt, the place is full ay Motherwell cashies. So ah looks over and sure enough, it’s the whole Saturday Service crew, top boys n aw, groovin doon in a big wey. So ah turns tae Henzo an says: just fuckin chill ya tube. Every cunt’s fuckin loved-up the night. They boys are sound. They’re jist like us, eh; they’ll take the fuckin buzz where they can find it. Disnae matter whether it’s the house buzz wi the E or the swedge buzz wi the adrenalin, it’s aw the same. So ah goes up tae this big cunt ah recognised and wi jist point at each other and laugh for a bit, then it’s big hugs aw roond. He introduces ays tae the rest ay his crew and we’re pertyin away thegither. He says tae me: this rush isnae quite as good as the swedge rush, but ye can get tae sleep easier eftir a few nights. Ah’m up fir days wi the swedge rush, cannae sleep or fuck all. That’s us big mates, but jist wait till we’re next at Fir Park. Nae quarter asked or given, eh.
– So what ye sayin?
– It’s like at a rave we create a kind ay environment, and it isnae just the E – although it’s maistly the E – that encourages that kind ay feelin. It’s the whole vibe. But it doesnae transfer that well tae the ootside world. Oot thair, these cunts have created a different environment and that kind ay environment lends itself mair tae the swedge rush.
– Thing is but, ye could still find love, real love, in the club environment. It just helps people tae get thegither, tae open up mair and lose thir inhibitions. Nowt wrong wi that.
– Ah bit listen tae this. Sometimes the whole thing plays tricks oan ye. When yir eckied, every bird looks a fuckin doll. Ye want tae try the acid test: go oot wi her trippin the next day. See what she looks like then! Ah remember one night at Yip Yap ah pills this wee bird.
Fuckin tidy n aw, ah’m telling ye, man. So the emotions are sizzlin away and bein a romantic type ay cunt ah suggests a wee walk up Arthur’s Seat tae watch the sun comin up, eh no?
– Bein E’d up oot yir face, ye mean.
– That’s exactly the fuckin point but! If ah wis jist left tae ma ain devices ah wid huv said somethin like: fancy comin back tae ma place, ken? Bit naw, cause ah wis eckied ah acted in a different wey fae usual. Mind you, the thing is that now ah’m eywis eckied so that’s become the fuckin normal wey ah do act! But anywey, what wis ah sayin?
– The bird, Arthur’s Seat, ah reminds him.
– Aye, right … well, this bird thinks, cause she’s E’d in aw, she’s thinkin tae herself: this is a romantic cunt. So wir up oan Arthur’s Seat and ah looks at her in the eye and says: ah really want tae make love tae ye now. She’s up for it, so it’s oaf wi the fuckin gear n we starts gaun for it, cowpin away, looking doon oan the city, fuckin great it wis. Thing is, about ten minutes intae it, ah started tae fell like shite. Ah goat aw that creepy, tense, sick wey; the comedoon’s diggin in good style. They wir funny cunts fir that, they flatliners. Anyhow, aw ah wanted tae dae was tae blaw ma muck and git the fuck oot ay thair. That’s what ah did, eh. The bird wisnae pleased, but there ye go, needs must. So ye have tae watch oot before ye call it love. It’s just another form ay entertainment. See if the feelings transfer tae yir everyday life, then call it love. Love’s no jist for weekenders.
– The thing is, Nukes, ah’m changin the keks everyday and cleanin under the helmet.
Nukes raised his eyebrows and smiled, – Must be love then, he said, then he added, – Oan your side, right enough. What’s gaun oan wi her though, mate?
23 Heather
– Lloyd. You never really think that you’ll be going out with someone with a name like that, I tell Marie.
Marie looks tired. She hates her job, and it’s Tuesday. She’s on the comedown and she’s burnt out. She says she wants a life beyond the weekend but she can’t resist its temptations. Besides, what’s on offer during the nine-to-five weekday doesn’t measure up. – Yeah, it’s funny how it all works out, she moans distractedly.
– The thing about Lloyd is, I say, well aware that I’m boring her, exasperating her, perhaps even irritating the fuck out of her, but I can’t stop, – is that he doesn’t seem to want anything.
– Everybody wants something. Does he want you? she asks, forcing her attention on me. She’s a wee sweetheart.
– I think so, I smile. This flat’s in a real state. It must look even more horrible to Marie, her on that comedown. I’ll give it a tidy later.
– When are you going to shag him? she asks, then says, – it’s about time you got fucked properly.
– I don’t know. I feel pretty strange around him. Very inexperienced and nervous.
– Well, that’s exactly what you are, she tells me.
– I’ve been married for five years, I tell her.
– Exactly! If you’ve been with the same guy for five years who hasn’t even been fucking you satisfactorily, then it’s like being totally inexperienced. If the sex is just a meaningless ritual, if it means nothing and feels nothing, then it is nothing, and it’s like never having had it. A lot of men are wankers cause they don’t mind bad sex, but for a woman bad sex is far worse than no sex at all.
– What do you know about bad sex, Ms Shag-Artiste? I thought you always sought out the best?
– I know a lot more about it than you think. Remember back in our teens we used to joke about the smash-and-grab brigade? Well, they still exist. A few weeks ago I met this really cool-looking guy, a real hunk; about twenty-five, twenty-six. We’re both on these really nice pills and there was a brilliant love vibe up at Yip Yap. Anyway, I got swept up in it all and ended up on Arthur’s Seat with him. We got wrapped into each other, but he started to go all tense and funny and then just came inside me and got away as quick as he could. He wouldn’t even wait for me. Left me there on top of the fucking hill. A fucking silly bastard in a jerkin walking his dog came past while I was sobbing my heart out. Watch out for this guy if it’s a chemical romance. Go slow. Beware.
– You know, Lloyd played me this record the other day, by Marvin Gaye, one of his less well-known songs. It’s called Piece of Clay. It was saying like, everybody wants someone to be their piece of clay, to mould them, you know. Lloyd doesn’t seem like that. With Hugh, it was like he was moulding me right from the start. Everything I said or thought or did was circumscribed and controlled by his views, obsessions or ideologies, from revolutionary socialism to managerial career advance. There was always a struggle of some sort, identified by him of course, that dictated the pattern of our whole fucking lives. There was no time for us to just act like human beings. Lloyd, though, he’s interested in me. He listens to me. He doesn’t laugh or sneer or cut in or put down or counter-argue with what I say, or, if he does, at least I know he’s heard me. I don’t feel ridiculed or belittled or patronised when he challenges me.
– So Lloyd isn’t Hugh. You’re free, you’re attracted to this guy who sounds a bit of a waster. Nae job, deals drugs, no ambition to do anything else, crackpot pals. That must seem a very tempting world after the one you’ve been in, Heather, but I wouldn’t get too carried away by it all. It won’t seem so glamorous after the passage of time. Just enjoy it as a trip. Don’t give out so much. That’s your trouble, you give out too much. Hold back something for you, Heather. Otherwise you’ll find that they’ll just keep taking. They’ll take it all,
girl
. It’s one thing winning freedom, it’s another thing holding onto it.
– You’re a cynical fuckin cow, hen.
– I’m trying to be realistic.
– Yeah, you’re right. That’s the big fucking problem. You’re right.
24 Lloyd
It was just so beautiful, beyond anything ah could have imagined I’d ever feel. It was love no sex. Sex was just the starting motor; this was pure love action. Ah felt her essence, ah know ah did. Ah know she did too, ah know she got there like she’d never done in her life, cause she was greetin and hiding her face. She felt like she had never been that exposed before. Ah tried tae put my arm around her, but she pulled away. Ah suppose after her sexual problems with the guy she was married to, it was such a big emotional ordeal and she needed time to herself. Ah could dig that, thank fuck I’m a sensitive cunt. Okay, ah said to her softly, okay, I’ll gie you some time oan yir ain. It sounded a bit fuckin daft but it was all ah could think of saying. Ah went through to the living-room and put on Scotsport: Hibs v. Aberdeen.
She was a bit distant and nippy eftir that, and she went back over tae hers. Ah suppose she just needed time tae git it sorted oot. Ah made up a Bobby Womack tape fae Shaun’s collection and took it up tae ma Ma and Dad’s.
25 Heather
It was a nightmare. Our first fucking time and it was a nightmare. The most horrible thing was that I was so close to getting there. I never got close with Hugh, so it didn’t really bother me. I got close but I knew I wasn’t going to, so I cried with frustration, and that selfish bastard Lloyd did fuck all except blow his load and roll over, then walk around with a stupid smile on his face all day, talking hippy bullshit and watching football on the telly.
I had to go.
26 Lloyd
This time it was even better than the first time, for me
and
for her. Ah didnae realise it, but ah fucked up big style the first time. She telt me how it felt for her. It was a bit ay a shock. Ah think it’s because you always want to get the first one over, there’s too much at stake when it’s someone you’re really intae. The first shag stands alongside yir fledgling relationship like a big question mark, when it’s somebody you really care for, really love. Then once you get it oot the road you can settle down tae making love. Things like foreplay can come mair intae their ain. It’s funny how there’s nae embarrassment aboot stickin yir cock intae a strange lassie, but like licking and caressing her are a bit dodgy the first time. Ah should’ve got E’d up the first time ah made love tae Heather, eh. E makes it great for strangers, the barriers come down so that sex with a stranger on E is magnificent. See wi someone you love though, the barriers should be down anyway, so the chemicals shouldn’t make any difference. Eh, no? This is what ah want tae discuss with Nukes when he comes up.
Ah make some tea and build a spliff and put on the video of the Orb, the one wi the Dolphins. Keep it psychoactive, there’s sex things ah want tae confide in wi Nukes. The spliff is good for Edinburgh soapbar and Nukes is up at my door on cue. Ah’ve goat ma love tape oan: Marvin, Al Green, The Tops, Bobby Womack, The Isleys, Smokey, The Temptations, Otis, Aretha, Dionne and Dusty. It melts ma fuckin hert, man. Jist git that oan and apply it tae yir ain life n ye’d huv tae be a deid cunt no tae feel as emotional as fuck, eh no. Barry.
– Awright, ma man, Nukes smiles.
– Glad ye came ower, mate, thir was somethin ah wanted tae talk tae ye aboot.
– Aye?
– Ah jist wanted tae see if ye fancied comin up tae McDiarmid Park for the BP Youth game the moarn’s night. Ally’s takin the car, eh.
– Na, cannae be ersed. Snooker tourney doon the club, eh … by the way, you cowped that bird yit, Lloyd?
Ah like Nukes, ah lap the cunt up, but see the day? The day ah wish it wis Ally or Amber that had come roond.
27 Heather
When I get home I can hardly keep the smile off my face.
– How was it then, Marie asks me, toking on a spliff.
I’m looking around the flat. It’s a total wreckage. Ashtrays full, curtains still drawn, cassettes and records out of their boxes and sleeves. It’s been some night round here. – Let me get me coat off first! I smiled.
– Fuck the coat, how was it? she insists.
– He’s a total shag, I told her.
– Ms Cheesy Grin herself, Marie smiles.
– Well, darling, if you’d been sucking on a cheesy cock you’d have a cheesy grin too, I say to her.
– C’mon then, I want all the details.
– Well, he’s hot on fingers and tongue stuff, once he relaxed and stopped trying to please me, stopped being so …
– Performative?
– Yeah, that’s the word I was looking for.
– He didn’t give you head …
I smiled and nod, curling my lips inwards and tremble in delicious recall.
– Heather! The second date!
– It wasn’t the second date, it was the sixth date. It was the second shag, remember?
– Go on.
– I came bucketloads, woke up the whole of Leith. It was fucking marvellous. So good, in fact, I did it again. I could feel him right up in my stomach. It was weird, I thought it was because he was bigger than Hugh, but they looked about the same size. Then I realised that it was because Hugh had only been fucking me with half his cock, the
poor
bastard. I was just so tense with him I’d never open up properly. With Lloyd, though, he just opens me like he’s peeling a fucking orange. What a wide-on I got … you could’ve got a convoy of lorries up there.
– Lucky cow … no, you deserve it, hen, you really do. I’m just jealous. I fucked a coke-head last night. It was good for him and shite for me. So fucking cold, she shook her head ruefully.
I went over to her and gave her a cuddle, – It’s awright … it’s just one of those things …
She rubbed my wrist, – Yeah, next time …