Edith Layton (21 page)

“Now,” Daffyd said, positioning himself by the hearth, hands behind his back, and his back to the fire. “Enough drama. Tell all.”

“Not yet!” the earl said as he settled in his favorite chair. “Harris,” he told his butler, “we’ll have that bottle of ’49 now.”

They waited until the butler had brought in the brandy, glasses, and a tray of little cakes. When the
door closed behind him as he left, both men looked at Meg.

She stood, one hand on the back of a chair, and looked at them solemnly. Her hair had loosened after her evening out, framing her flushed face. Even so, she looked, Daffyd thought, beautiful, though strangely cool and self-composed.

“I went to see Lady Sloan today, as you know,” she said. “I was offered the position, and for more money than I’ve ever been paid.”

“Congratulations!” the earl said. He reached for the bottle of brandy.

Meg sighed. “I’ve written her a note, because I don’t want to see her again. You see, I turned her down. There was no other sane thing to do apart from throwing something at her, and I try to be a lady even though I wasn’t born one.”

Daffyd’s body stiffened. The earl’s hands paused on the bottle.

“But I can’t really be angry at her,” Meg went on. “She was only completely honest. She wants me to companion her dreary daughter because I’m the talk of the Town, and my notoriety will bring some notice to the girl, which she wouldn’t get any other way. She was perfectly reasonable about it. The more gossip about the notorious companion, the more the gentlemen eye her, the better chance some one of them might notice the poor girl. The thing is, she’s right.

“She believes I’m utterly ruined in the eyes of the world,” Meg continued, “although I have great value
as a conversation piece. Oh, I know I could probably get some better position far from London. But I’d rather not bother. I’d prefer to go home and wait this out. The talk of the Town never stays around Town too long. But it is echoing through London right now. It seems everyone knows what I did, or if they don’t, at least know that I did it with Daffyd.”

Daffyd opened his mouth to speak, but she raised a hand to stop him. “It isn’t just because you’re famous, Daffyd, although you are.”

“Infamous,” he corrected her through tightened lips.

“Well, yes, and no,” she said. “You’re considered highly desirable, though I’ll grant, not just for marriage. All the ladies talk about you. It’s not just because of that; you could have been a cobbler or a baker. Except no one would have gossiped about it if you were, and I’d just be considered a common slut and not offered any jobs at all. I’m thought of as an uncommon slut now, which was why I was offered employment.

“The point is that an unmarried woman just can’t go coursing across the land in the sole company of a single man. It’s just not done. I did it. Moreover, I knew it when I set out. So I’ll accept Society’s judgment, but not its punishment. I’m going to my aunts’ house tomorrow morning,” she said, holding her head high. “They’ll lecture me. But they always do. They won’t beat me, or shun me, or whisper about me.”

She raised a hand to silence any protest. “Life will
go on as it did, and in time I’ll be able to apply for other positions. Gossip doesn’t stay fresh long, and when I’m older it will seem ridiculous, not seamy.” She smiled. “Please don’t pity me. It was a grand adventure. I was foolish and headstrong, I’ll agree with my aunts on that. But now I look back, I don’t think I’d have changed any of it for anything. If I’d stayed home, waiting and fretting, I’d be considered a very good girl. But I wouldn’t think as much of myself as I do now. I tried to take my fate in my own hands, and I almost did! I gambled, and if Rosie had come home with me, I’d have won.”

She cocked her head to the side. “But what would I have won? Only more of the same, a pleasant position for another year. My life wouldn’t have changed. Now that I’ve seen a bit of the world—and more, a bit of myself in the world—I believe I can look forward to better.” Her expression grew serious. “I think I now know why women are cautioned to be passive. A little self-respect is a dangerous thing. Once you believe a female can do as well as a male, you find yourself refusing to be downtrodden. That would never do if I chose to stay on in London now. But it will do for me in future, I think. So I’m going home. Thank you for your hospitality, my lord,” she told the earl. “I think when you consider it, you’ll see I’m doing the right thing.”

“Surely not all the ladies in London feel as Lady Sloan does?” the earl asked.

“Oh, I believe they do,” she said. “And the gentle
men, too. Otherwise she wouldn’t have made the offer. She’s a practical woman.”

“You can’t go!’ Daffyd said angrily.

“I can, and I shall,” she said firmly. “It won’t be so bad. I’ll have a roof over my head, enough to eat, and tasks to keep me busy.
You
certainly know there are worse fates for females the world considers sinners.”

He fell still.

“So,” she said. “May we have that brandy now, my lord?”

The earl sighed. “It’s not what I wanted to toast. But yes, I think we should.” He poured them each a glass and stood up. He raised his glass. “To a gallant woman,” he said, “one I hope knows she’ll always have safe harbor here should she ever decide to avail herself of it.”

“Thank you,” Meg said. “I’ll drink to that.”

But Daffyd didn’t speak, or pick up his glass. He stood glowering as the other two finished their sad toast.

“I’ll say good night and good-bye now,” Meg said. “I’ve made arrangements to be at the
Bull and Mouth
early in the morning. That’s where my coach will be leaving. Thank you, my lord,” she told the earl, “for all your kindnesses.”

He took her hand. “I meant what I said,” he said soberly. “You can always return here.”

“I know,” she said, “thank you.”

“I’m to bed,” he said, glancing at Daffyd. “It’s not considered proper to leave you two alone, but we’ve
gone far beyond that sort of nonsense now. You need a private farewell. Good night.”

When he’d left the study, Daffyd moved. He strode over to Meg and took her hands in his. “You can’t mean to do this.”

“I do,” she said. She smiled. “The earl’s such a clever man. If I couldn’t have had a moment alone with you now, I was going to track you to your room later tonight. I’d hate to do that in his house. Now I have a chance to bid you a proper good-bye, Daffyd.”

His black brows lowered.

“I want to thank you, too,” she said, looking up into his face. “You frightened me, threatened me, teased me, but you always treated me gently, fairly, and honorably, even when you gave me a taste of what lovemaking was all about. In fact, Daffyd, you educated me in a dozen ways, and I thank you for that, too. But I can’t stay for more lessons, and you have a life to return to, too. So, let me say good-bye so you’ll remember me. I’d hate for you to forget me,” she whispered.

She threw her arms around his neck, drew his head down to hers, and kissed him. Her lips opened against some exclamation he was about to make. She tasted brandy and Daffyd, and sighed against his mouth. She pressed close to him and kissed him with all the art he’d taught her, and all the love she felt.

After a heartbeat, he responded. His tension eased, and he enclosed her in his arms, and kissed her with all the passion that she felt. After another
long moment, and mutual startled indrawn breaths, they drew back, looked at each other, and kissed again.

Then she pulled away from him. He dropped his arms and looked at her in confusion.

Her face was filled with color, her eyes sparkled. “There,” she said breathlessly, “forget that!” Her eyes searched his, and her smile was wistful. “I expect you will. What’s a kiss against a lifetime of expert lovemaking? But remember me, Daffyd, at least that. Good night,” she said, and went to the door.

She turned when she got there. “I will remember you,” she said, “and with gratitude.” She hurried from the room before she could say more, or he could see more.

Daffyd took a step after her. He stopped. He ran a hand through his hair. And then he collapsed into a chair, and stared into the hearth. He sat and stared at the fire blazing there until it cracked and crumbled, and deep in the night, fell to ashes.

“W
hy don’t you just go and get her?” the earl asked the sole occupant of the library in his London townhouse a month later.

Daffyd looked up at him and raised an eyebrow. He’d been sitting staring into space, an unopened book on his knee.

The earl looked troubled. Daffyd’s face was darker and drawn, he looked thinner, and his usually lively eyes were dull.

“I know you read,” the earl said. “In fact, I taught you to. I know you like books, too. But you’ve only been using them to decorate your lap for days now.”

“I read this one before,” Daffyd said gruffly.

“Yes, and it’s such a long walk to the bookshelves to get another. Daffy,” the earl said. “When are you
going to stop this? It’s the most tremendous bout of sulking I’ve ever seen a grown man go through. Either forget the girl or go get her, it can’t go on this way. Amyas agrees, he was appalled at your condition when he came to visit the other week.”

“I don’t blame him. I was drinking then. I’m not drinking now.”

“No, you’re not doing anything. I’m not sure that isn’t worse. Amyas wrote to Christian, and now I’ve a letter from him that urges me to step in. And before the Viscount Haye left the other day, he said that if I didn’t help you win back Meg Shaw, he would.”

“That’s rich,” Daffyd said bitterly, “the Viscount Haye giving advice to the lovelorn.”

“So you don’t deny it?” the earl asked as he sat opposite him.

Daffyd shrugged. “I’ve my vices, God knows. Lying to you ain’t one of them.”

“Then…”

“Then why don’t I go get her?” Daffyd asked gruffly. “I ain’t the marrying sort, Earl. You know that. Never was, never can be. Though I confess she landed me a facer.” His sapphire eyes were dark with unhappiness as he looked at his mentor.

“I can’t promise to be faithful to her, Geoff,” he said, reverting to the way he’d spoken to the earl in the days when they’d first met. “I come from a line of selfish cheats and rovers on both sides. It’s in my blood. Neither my mother or father ever loved anything more than they did themselves. How can I know if I’d be different, even if I want to be? I never
have been. Love comes too lightly to me. And if I wasn’t faithful, it would fair kill her. I’d rather cut off an arm than cause her any hurt. And though I know she’d never be false, still I can’t convince myself she’d be faithful to me, neither. That’s madness, but so it is with me. I’ve never seen fidelity.

“Aye, I know,” Daffyd said wearily, as though the earl had spoken, “I can see how happy Christian and Amyas and their wives are, and know in my heart neither of them would ever cheat neither. But they’ve only been married months. I’m talking about the years ahead. It’s the wondering that would never leave me. That’s no way to live.”

“And this is?” the earl asked.

“I’m not happy now,” Daffyd said, shrugging. “But it could be worse. This way, I can only regret what can’t be, not what I did. I’ll get over it.”

“Can she?” the earl asked quietly.

“Oh, she’ll do. It isn’t what I’d want for her, but she’s safe, fed and clothed, and better off without me altogether. I couldn’t stand poisoning her faith or her love. She’s too good for me, earl. It’s best this way.” He tried a tilted smile. “Not having ain’t as bad as losing.”

“That isn’t what your favorite poet said.”

“‘’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.’” Daffyd quoted. “Aye. And I lost her, so that’s that.”

“Is it? Daffyd, you’re letting the past write your future. If you’d thought that way back then you wouldn’t be here now.”

Daffyd shrugged.

“You’re a good man, Daffy, you’ve never betrayed any man or woman I ever knew. The woman’s in love with you. Any fool could see that, and you never were a fool. Meg Shaw is wholly adorable as well as intelligent. She acted rashly, that is true. But she did so out of desperation, and admits it. She’s decent and moral, and, for a wonder, she remained moral even with you to tempt her. Don’t tell me you didn’t! And don’t try to tell me she succumbed. Neither of you would be so unhappy if she had.”

Daffyd’s thin dark eyebrows rose.

“She’s unique and a catch for any man,” the earl continued. “You have so much to offer her, too. You possess wit and charm, courage, and tenacity. And now you have great wealth, too. That makes a difference in the social world. I know it doesn’t mean a thing to you now, nor to her, but you’re already halfway to being accepted everywhere. Your children would be part of Society, if they wished. Where is the impediment, except in your own mind? I’ve never seen you afraid of anything, this isn’t like you.”

Daffyd looked up. His eyes flashed. “By God, Geoff, you never spoke so false. I was always afraid. I wouldn’t be here now if I wasn’t. I took risks because I had to. I gambled because I’d no choice. I was brave, because not being brave would have killed me, and I’d a notion to survive. I still do. Even then, I knew when something was too big for me to try, and I’d let it be. Like now. Let it be, Earl.”

The earl put up his hands in surrender. “Let it be?
I’d rather not, but I suppose I must. I can’t do otherwise, can I?” He thought a moment and then spoke again, his tone brighter. “So, what are your plans for the day? It’s brisk and clear outside. There won’t be many fair days left, the last leaves are falling off the trees. Are you going to step out?”

“Clearing out the library? Or just trying to see if I can still walk?” Daffyd asked with a smile. “Don’t blame you. The other week, when I was making a tour of taverns, you only saw me carried in. I seem to have grown into this chair now, haven’t I? Aye, I guess I’ll be moving on soon. Maybe I’ll set about finding my other brother, the footloose one. He has his faults too, but he don’t moralize like my noble kin is suddenly doing. But first I have to put my ear to the ground. I know a ken where I can get word of the Rom. A little roving might be just the thing to set me right again.”

“Indeed,” the earl said, though he looked even unhappier. “But before you go, I must tell you: I had a visitor the other day who requested your company. It seems she sent you a note asking the same, but you never answered. At least, you refused to meet with her.”

Daffyd put a hand over his eyes and rubbed his forehead. “My mother?”

The earl nodded.

“I thought so. I did send her a note to reply. I told her I bungled it, couldn’t retrieve her goddaughter, and offered my apologies and regrets. What does she want? To have me crawl in and say it?”

“I understand it was about something else that she wished to speak.”

“What?” Daffyd asked, without moving his hand. But his whole posture was suddenly more alert.

“That, she wouldn’t say. She’s a charming woman, but she and I are not precisely intimates.”

Now Daffyd did move his hand. The earl saw he was smiling, but the smile wasn’t a nice one. “Aye, but I bet she wishes you were.”

The earl shrugged. “I don’t know. Nor am I going to find out. We have little in common. But one thing we do share: a lively concern for you.”

Daffyd’s smile twisted. “That, I doubt. Not on your part, of course. But on hers? As for her interest in me, she showed none for decades. Then she meets me, raised from the dead or wherever she believed I was, and almost faints on the spot. Then, suddenly, months later, she asks a favor of me. And now she sends a second summons to me? Depend on it, that isn’t motherly love. She’s got another favor to ask.” He sat up straight. “Well, then there’s something I can do. And this time, whatever it is she wants, I’ll succeed.”

“You’ll try to please her even though you don’t care for her? I confess, Daffyd, I don’t understand.”

Daffyd looked at him directly then. His eyes were filled with sorrow. “You wouldn’t, my lord. You’re a thoroughly good man. But me? See, a blighted tree bears twisted fruit. She threw me away. Now she needs me. I could tell her to go straight to hell. But
that’s too easy. Now, if I show her that she threw away something of worth and then tell her to be damned,
then
she regrets what she did. She sees how wrong she was. It proves my value, Geoff. I want her to see it, I need to have that.”

“Ah, Daffyd,” the earl said sadly. “If you don’t know your value then no one else can ever prove it to you.”

“Aye,” Daffyd said wearily. “There it is, isn’t it? A man who thinks he has no value can never be content, can he? He can’t live like a normal fellow, or love like one….” He caught himself, stopped, and muttered under his breath, “Maudlin. That won’t do. Listen,” he went on in normal tones, “how do you pay someone back for costing you so much? By showing them how wrong they were, that’s how.”

“I don’t know your mother very well,” the earl said sadly, “but I’d be willing to wager she never forgets that.”

Daffyd rose and carefully placed his book on a table. “That only proves you don’t know her at all. But you always were a lucky fellow.”

“Mama,” Daffyd said, bowing, after the butler had let him into the salon and left. “You sent for me.”

The lady stopped pacing. She lifted her head. “I did. Please have a seat. When you pace I get dizzy. And you always pace.”

“I’m restless. It’s the gypsy in me,” he said. But nevertheless he sat in the chair she’d indicated.

She was dressed in icy blue, which suited her elegant looks. But she looked different to him. He eyed her, wondering if she was sick, before he realized it was that she looked unsure and uneasy. He’d never seen that.

“I wanted to speak with you,” she said.

“I’m here,” he answered. “Wasn’t my apology enough?”

She gazed at him in confusion.

“I mean, for not nabbing the runaway. I tried, but I was too late. She isn’t in any particular difficulty unless her fiancé, or husband, or whatever he is now, is a total clunch. She isn’t alone, nor penniless. I hear he took a heap of cash with him. Clever. For what it’s worth, I’m surprised, too. I thought I could catch them. I suppose I let you down again.”

“Again?” she asked.

“The first time was when I was born.”

He was surprised. He didn’t know a pale woman could get that much paler.

“We’ve never spoken much,” she said.

He nodded agreement.

“Indeed, that’s my fault, because when I first saw you, last year, at that ball, in the earl’s company, I didn’t know what to say.”

“Makes sense,” he said.

“I should have spoken to you then,” she said. Now she was the one who rose and paced. “But I was too shocked at seeing you to find my wits. I tried, later. Then you didn’t want to talk to me. That’s when I be
gan inventing errands for you to do. I didn’t care if you succeeded or not, Daffyd. I was trying to build a bridge to you.”

He looked bored. “Consider it built. What do you want? I’ll try to oblige you, unless it’s some chit you want me to marry. I’m not in that line no more than my father was. Or you, for that matter.”

She stopped and stared at him. “You look like him, you know. But you’re nothing like. He was merry, always laughing; it was his carefree air that drew me to him. You’re dark, serious, cold. You have undercurrents I can’t guess at.”

“It was impossible to be carefree after I was left with your merry gypsy,” Daffyd said too sweetly. “Odd, though. He wasn’t very merry, as I recall. He liked to hit more than he liked to laugh, in fact. And it’s hard to be jolly in Newgate prison, Mama. Even harder when you’re stashed on a prison ship on the way out of England for a time the law hopes will be no less than forever. The work crews at Botany Bay are no place for hilarity either. You want me to smile more, is that it? Is that what you brought me here to ask?”

“I never meant to leave you!” she cried.

He stilled. Then he smiled. “Ah,
you
want to apologize, is that it? A little late, but fine. Why not? Apology accepted. Is that it, then?”

“Daffyd,’ she said desperately, “I was going to take you with me the night I ran away from your father, but you were only a few weeks old, and had a fever. You cried if anyone touched you. Your father’s
mother, Keja, said I shouldn’t dare. Your father was drunk, he’d fallen deeply asleep, but every time you wailed, he stirred. And Keja had some distant cousins who were passing through, who had agreed to take me away. They were waiting in back of the caravan for me to come out so we could ride. I promised her I’d be back. I meant it. But by the time I returned to my home and could send you for, you and she, and your father, were gone. I could never find you.”

Daffyd’s smile was gone. He cocked his head to one side. “Fine. I said I understood. What more do you want, madam?”

“You can’t understand,” she said bitterly. “I ran off with a gypsy, yes. Because he was everything my husband was not. And because I was a foolish, spoiled, and arrogant child. I was not looking for adventure. I sought approval and affection. I was starved for it. My husband was chosen for me. He wasn’t a bad man, but he was reserved and prideful, and cold, so cold I froze in his arms. He didn’t care for women, and had no conversation for me, no lust either, except for me to bear him an heir. After I did, he left for London, leaving me alone at our country estate. He said I wasn’t to come with him.

“I didn’t know how to insist. I had no experience of the world, Daffyd! I married young. But I’d been declared a diamond as a girl, and was used to flattery and flirtation. That’s when I sought revenge. And that’s when your father came whistling down the lane on his way to a country fair near our estate. He flattered me, he teased me, he made me feel beautiful
and desirable. More, he taught me what desire was, and what it was for. I stole out at night and danced in the dew with him. I flew from the house and played in the sunlight with him. Then my husband returned and told me he required another heir. I pleaded a headache that night, and eloped with your father the next.”

“Foolish, indeed,” Daffyd said.

Now her face showed animation, and he got a glimpse of the girl she must have been with his father. “He took me to Keja’s caravan, and was pleased with himself for it. Not because he’d gotten me, I discovered, but because he’d stolen a gentleman’s wife. He bragged about it every time he got drunk. Which was often. The fact is he grew tired of me before the season changed. And I, of him. He wasn’t so merry when thwarted, and he was thwarted easily when he got in his cups. He was free with his hands then, too.”