Effortless With You (15 page)

“Do you seriously think you can handle her if she ends up like this again in that van? Emmanuel will freak out if she starts puking.”

“No. I won’t puke, I’m fine.”

“See?”

“Alex. No.”

“But …”

The van honks again.

“Go.”

“Fine.” Alex kicks the dirt. “I’m sorry, Lucy. I hope you stop shaking soon.” He leans down close to me to whisper, “And, no offense, I kind of hope you throw up again in Justin’s truck.”

I nod, closing my eyes at the mere mention of throw up. “If I do, I’ll make sure it’s a good one.”

“Thanks,” he pats me on the back as he goes.

With Alex gone, I become acutely more aware that Justin’s hands are still on my shoulders. A different type of adrenaline takes over. My shaking intensifies.

“Lucy,” Justin voice is husky. “What am I going to do with you?” His hands rub my arms. “Relax,” he urges.

“Right,” I turn toward him. He grabs my hands in his, deciding to make the shaking stop on his own. Justin’s hands are so warm. My heart pounds against my chest. I close my eyes, urging my shoulders, arms and hands to relax.

“There you go,” Justin says. I open my eyes to find his green ones wide with worry. “I shouldn’t have let you work. Bad call. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. It just hit me, that’s all.” I pull my hands back out of his. He nods and stands up with me, putting his fingers over his lips as Alex had.

“So, am I going to have to carry you?” he teases.

***

I curl up in bed and, for the second night in a row, silently let my tears overwhelm me. I pull my blanket over my head, welcoming its darkness. My thoughts become a fuzzy void that seems to dull my pain. Time slips by, only marked with the occasional creak of my door and light pressure of a hand on my thigh. I shift away from Mom’s touch, desperately hating being brought back to reality.

I must have fallen asleep because at ten o’clock the ringing of my cell phone wakes me. It's Justin. I answer without thinking.

“Hello?” I say, not able to mask my groggy tone.

“Sorry, were you asleep?”

“In a way, yes, but not really.”

“Right, of course.” Justin pauses awkwardly on the phone. “So, tomorrow’s a work day.”

“I want to go to work.”

“I’m not going to hold it against you.”

“No, really.” I look around my blank-walled room. Did anyone with a personality live here? “I can’t stay here.”

“Well,” Justin wavers.

“I promise I’ll be just fine.”

Justin sighs. “How about I’ll pick you up but we’ll play it by ear, okay?”

“Sure, whatever gets my mind out of this place, you know?”

Justin’s musical laugh turns my heart. “Right. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Thank you.” I'm unable to mask my sincerity.

Justin’s voice echoes my tone. “Lucy, you know you are going to be okay, right?”

“Yeah,” I squeeze my eyes shut. “I just need to work through it.”

Justin doesn’t respond right away, providing an awkward moment of silence that I don’t have the energy to fill. “Sleep, Lucy. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Sounds good.” I push END CALL before Justin can change his mind.

I drag myself out of bed to brush the rotting taste from my mouth. I catch my reflection in the mirror. My face is uncharacteristically pale and greasy while wisps of hair fly away from my ponytail. Dark circles have found a home under my eyes.

I look like a troll.

I groan, realizing that most of the day Justin has looked at some version of this girl in the mirror. It’s not like it really matters though. I turn the shower on extra hot. I need to start over again. My mind keeps replaying Zach’s arms around Marissa’s waist and her cackling giggle. I can’t take it anymore. I seek relief, allowing my thoughts to drift to Justin.

I picture Justin’s smile, accentuated with his stubble and jaw line, and my heart flutters. My hands tingle as I remember Justin’s palms in mine. I sigh, knowing that part of me is falling fast for him. I can’t deny that his tenderness today has sent my heart haywire. I blast the top of my head with cold water. I have to be sane about these feelings. Justin is taken, in love with Jennifer. I have no chance.

But somehow, knowing that a future with Justin is impossible makes it easier to like him. It's risk-free.

I climb out of the shower with my mind feeling warped. How Justin drives me crazy yet simultaneously melts my heart confuses me. I sigh as I pull a brush through my hair. Maybe it’s because I have to be real around Justin? I can’t hide my sarcasm, sass, and annoyance from him when I try. Something about him unarms me. I'm not used to thinking and acting so freely. No wonder I'm confused. I don’t know how to be me.

I crawl back into bed, holding my own hands as I let that small part of me remember again the warm pressure of his palms. The memory eases me into an odd but peaceful sleep. Only once do I wake, to the sound of my door closing. Dad’s snoring crackles from down the hall. The spot next to me on the mattress is warm. Someone has been sitting there.

Mom.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

I wait on my front step the next morning, holding my knees up against my chest. Random butterflies try to take flight inside me but I catch each one, blushing as I shoo them away. These will be the only blushes of the day. I can’t allow more.

The clank and sputtering of Justin’s truck announces his arrival before he pulls around the corner. I hop off the front step, not wanting him to feel the need to greet me. He rolls down his window and smiles. A butterfly takes flight. Damn.

“Good morning Lady Barfs-a-Lot,” he taunts from his window.

A quick frenzy of rage squashes the butterfly with its thumb.

“Wow, have I ever told you how hilarious you are?” Sarcasm seeps out of my mouth like lava.

Justin leans over and opens my door from the inside. “Nope but I’d love to hear it. You know me. Just can’t get enough.”

I roll my eyes. “Yeah. I’m pretty sure I caught that about you.”

Justin stretches, his hand reaching over and blocking my face. I push it out of my way. “Well, I’ve got to nurture my ego if I’m going to maintain it.” He chuckles as he throws the truck into reverse.

“So,” he continues, “Yesterday kind of sucked, huh?

I attempt a laugh. “Pretty much the lowest I can go.”

“Naw, I wouldn’t say that. I think yesterday was a step up for you.”

“In comparison to?”

Justin shrugs, “The day before.”

“So you liked me barfing and totally freaking out over—?”

“Being Marissa’s oblivious drone,” Justin states harshly. He looks at me, gauging my reaction. I work hard not to flinch so he will continue. “Trust me. That look was not becoming on you.”

 “Well, I’m happy to have climbed your ladder of approval, barf and all.”

“I’m glad you finally did too. I was worried I’d have to bring you to your senses.”

“Oh? With what plan?”

Justin grins. “I had a few ideas. But, their way was much clearer than anything I could have come up with.”

I don't grin back. “And when did you decide I needed your help?” This isn’t funny.

“At the pool that first day.”

“When I was waiting for Zach?”

“No, earlier when you were reading a magazine next to Marissa. I’ve known her since elementary school. Everyone knows her general philosophy on relationships. You seemed like a victim of one of her master plans.”

“That’s one way to put it.” I bite the inside of my lip. How can he talk about this so casually? Her betrayal is still an oozing wound.

“And then I saw you pathetically waiting for Zach. You needed help. I had to save you.”

Pathetically. Great.

My heart tugs. What he says doesn’t feel right. I turn away from him and look out the window. My mind starts piecing things together. “Wait, so I was a project for you to save?” The situation mirrors Marissa’s original attempt at saving me.

He looks confused at my question. “No. That’s not what I’m saying.”

“I
needed
you to save me? You planned to bring me to my senses?” I shake my head. “Sounds like a project to me.”

“No. I mean, well kind of. But it wasn’t like that.”

“How wasn’t it?”

“I was going to help you.”

“That’s exactly what Marissa said.”

Justin throws his hands up in the air. “Oh, come on. You know I’m not like her.”

“No, you aren’t. But doesn’t that make it worse?”

“How?”

“She’s vain. But I thought you had a sense of humanity.”

Justin looks back at me blankly. “Well yeah. That’s why I wanted to save you.” He says a little too slowly.

“Okay then, let me ask you this. What were you planning to do with me after you saved me?” As the question comes out, I realize how desperately I need to know the answer. Where does he see this unique relationship going? Are we going to be friends? Or, now that the
project
is done, would I just go back to blending into the background?

Justin doesn’t answer. I watch his jaw clench. I desperately want it to open with a response. Instead, Justin focuses intently on the traffic.

“Whatever,” I say under my breath.

The truth of the moment hangs between us. I reach over and turn on the radio, hoping the noise will chase the awkward truth away.

As we continue to drive, my conscience picks away at me. Did I really believe that Justin thought of me in the same manner as Marissa? I glance back at him, catching him as he glances away from me. He takes a deep breath and relaxes his jaw, pulling his hand through his black hair.

The answer rises from my gut. No. Justin doesn’t think of me that way. I am someone to him. I just don’t know what someone means. That butterfly I’d squashed earlier resurrects. I push it aside. No. That isn’t possible. Justin is dating Jennifer. But, friendship? Yes. That I want. In fact, I absolutely need it.

Justin is right—I was Marissa’s drone. I shamefully followed her everywhere. Even when I had an idea, I never initiated it. I didn’t need to when Marissa controlled everything. I press my hand to my forehead. How did I become so passive? That needs to change. I look at Justin and swallow a lump in my throat. The change needs to start now.

“Justin,” I begin. He glances at me. “Listen, I’m sorry.” Please let him understand. “I know you aren’t like her. I just,” I take a deep breath. “I guess I’m on edge, not having a lot of recent experience with trust.”

“Yeah, I get that. You’re kind of …”

“Broken,” I volunteer, and he nods. “I shouldn’t have asked you what you planned to do with me.” Justin lightly furrows his brow in confusion. “It doesn’t matter to me because,” my heart pounds in my chest, “I already know what role I want to take.”

Justin becomes rigid. “Listen, Lucy …” He takes a deep breath and I realize he thinks I’m about to throw myself at him. He’s going to give me his let down speech.

I laugh, interrupting him. “Oh, no. No.” I laugh again, trying to cover up that little butterfly shouting
yes
! from inside. “Not that.” I shrug, “Just friends, that’s all.”

His face relaxes. “Good.” He sounds a bit too relieved. “I mean, not that … well … you know. I just want to be friends with you too. Anything more would kind of ruin it, right?”

Splat.
That butterfly commits suicide.

“Yup, totally.” I say with convincing confidence.

“So, friends, Lady?” he offers.

“Absolutely.”

“Well, just so you know,” he leans in toward me, “I take friendships very seriously.” Now I look at him confused. “So, if something of my friend’s is broken, I’m the type of friend who helps them fix it. Understand?”

I smile, “Do I have any choice in the matter?”

Justin shakes his head.

“I didn’t think so.”

***

The weather couldn’t have been crueler. Ninety-seven degrees with seventy-eight percent humidity. The air is so thick I swear I can chew it. Alex, to a point of annoyance, makes me take too many water breaks. My progress slows. I start waving Alex off every time he motions for me to climb down and grab a drink of water. I am determined to pull my weight with this job. The white trim needs my help. Every brush stroke covers up the cracked paint beneath. I willingly let it symbolize myself, tenderly brushing away the cracks. Proving that somehow I will find a way to heal.

“Lucy, water break,” Alex calls again. I shake my head, leaning in closer, making another clean stroke over dull blue paint. “Fine, suit yourself.”

“Lucy.” Justin’s voice. I instinctively turn around, following it to its source. The moment I see him I wish I hadn't. He holds a huge bucket of water. “You wouldn’t,” I gasp.

He smiles wickedly. “Of course I would.” He tilts the bucket back and throws the water in the air toward me. The cold water hits me like a ton of bricks.

I take a deep breath before jumping off the ladder, completely soaked from the neck down. “What the—?”