Elephant Dropping (9781301895199) (68 page)

‘I need to
stretch my legs,’ he said and walked off leaving her with the
children, puzzled and angry. She couldn’t understand his change of
mood, ever since he had got that damned car he had been distant and
unfriendly and the drive that could have been so much fun, had
turned into a weary marathon. She gave up and lay down on the floor
beside her children using her arms as a pillow, and listening to
the rhythmic throb of the engines, fell into a dreamless sleep.

Patel woke her.
‘We are here,’ he said, ‘come on let’s go.’

The children
looked up sleepily and stretched. ‘When do we get to the ship?’
asked Gulam, yawning.

Jitu laughed.
‘We are on the ship you dozy head.’

Gulam looked
about him in wonder. ‘Come on, we must leave,’ Patel instructed as
he ushered his family towards the stairs leading down to the car
deck.

They drove off
the ramp at Dover. The road divided at the top of the hill where
clearly marked signs pointing the way to the red zone, “Something
to declare” and the green zone, “Nothing to declare.” Patel gripped
the steering wheel and followed other cars that had chosen the
green zone. The whole area was lit up like a football pitch and
there seemed to be no one about. As he crested the hill more
buildings came into view. The car in front of him went round a
series of small roundabouts, the road divided again as they passed
what looked like a weigh-bridge. He keenly searched for any road
signs to London. Some speed bumps slowed their progress, a man
stepped out in front of the car wearing a fluorescent orange
jacket, and waved them down.

Patel rolled
down his window.

‘Good evening
sir,’ the man said pleasantly.

Patel nodded,
raising his eyebrows.

‘Are you aware
sir that you have driven into the nothing to declare zone?’

Patel said.
‘Yes, it’s only my family, we are on holiday.’

‘Good for you
sir, but all foreign registered cars, when they enter Britain must
go through the red zone, even if you have nothing to declare. Those
plates, you’re from Kenya?’

Patel nodded,
gritting his teeth.

‘Had a great
holiday there once meself. Now sir, if you just carry on this
road,’ he said pointing to the left, ‘you will come to a building
with a barrier across the road where you can present your car
papers.’

Patel breathed
out and managed a smile. ‘Ok,’ he said and followed the man’s
instructions; the kids were now wide-awake.

‘Where are we?’
Jitu asked.

‘Shhh,’ his
mother said. Patel stopped in front of the barrier. A uniformed man
walked over with a large Labrador on a lead.

‘Switch off the
engine sir,’ he instructed. ‘Do you have the car papers?’Patel
reached into the glove compartment, took out a brown envelope, and
handed it through the window. The man stepped back. ‘Just take them
into the office,’ he said pointing at a nearby building.

Patel looked at
his wife. ‘I won’t be long,’ he said getting out of the car and
walking to the building.

The man with
the Labrador walked round the car to Fatima’s side. ‘This car is
from Kenya?’ The dog was animated, sniffing under the wheel arches
excitedly.

‘Yes,’ she said
and smiled.

The man watched
his dog. ‘She must have smelt sum buffaloes or something; I have
never seen her so excited. Would you mind getting out of the car
madam, you and the kids. Don’t worry, she won’t bite you,’ as
Fatima hesitated.

She got out
reluctantly. ‘My husband,’ she said.

The man had
hold of the passenger door. ‘Com’on you two,’ he said to the
children with a smile. ‘Georgie doesn’t bite,’ Jitu and Gulam
looked at their mother, not moving.

‘It’s ok,’ she
encouraged them as they scrambled out and stood beside her looking
fearfully at the dog.

Georgie sat
wagging her tail. ‘Wont to touch pet,’ the man invited, both
children shook their heads.

He laughed. ‘Ok
then this won’t take a moment,’ and lifting the lead up he said,
‘Hup seek!’The Labrador leapt in the back of the car through the
passenger door. It sniffed about rooting among the piled suitcases
and then dropped to the floor to sniff under the seat. Suddenly the
dog stiffened with raised hackles, backing away towards her handler
barking furiously.

‘Blimey never
seen her do that before, you don’t have any snakes do you? Com’on
Georgie girl,’ he pulled the frightened dog out and tried to calm
her.

A second
customs man walked over to see what the fuss was all about. ‘What’s
the story Bill? he asked.

‘Dunno, the dog
smelt something under the seat there. Hold her a minute will you.’
The dog now had stopped barking but was wining and trembling. He
took a torch out of his pocket and ducked down to look warily under
the seat. ‘There seems to be a carrier bag there,’ he said
straightening up, ‘there under the seat.’

Patel joined
them. ‘What’s the problem.’

‘The dog has
found a bag under the seat. Would you care to remove it sir?’

‘A bag?’ Patel
leaned down and looked at a plastic shopping bag he had never seen
before. ‘I don’t know how that got there,’ he said to the customs
man.

‘Would you
remove it for us sir?’

Patel reached
in his heart pounding, and pulled the bag out.

There was
something in the bottom wrapped in tissue paper. He unwrapped it as
the customs men looked on. The dog started leaping up again, the
other handler led her away, to calm her. Patel started to laugh.
‘It’s a dropping! It’s an Elephant dropping.’ He held it out
grinning with relief.

Gulam
exclaimed. ‘My science project!’

The customs man
declined to take it. ‘What’s that you say?’

‘An elephant
dropping, you know, ah, shit. An Elephant shit.’

‘Oh an elephant
shit is it?’ staring at the round ball of compressed vegetation.
‘That takes the bacon for bullshit that’s for sure,’ he said,
clearly not amused.

‘No look at
it,’ holding it out once more in earnest. ‘My youngest put it in
the car for his science project.’

‘Replace it in
the bag sir, and give me your car keys. I’m impounding your
vehicle.’

‘What? No. Look
there’s no problem, my car has been cleared,’ he waved his
envelope, ‘that thing was for my son’s science project, he forgot
it in the car that’s all.’

‘The keys sir,’
the customs man held his hand out.

‘No,’ said
Patel, ‘you can’t do this to us, it’s just a piece of dung, please,
we have been cleared.’

‘Not by me you
haven’t.’

Patel smiled
and reached for his wallet. ‘Now officer, I’m sure we can reach an
arrangement.’

The customs man
stiffened and stood a little straighter.

Patel opened
his wallet revealing a large wad of money. ‘Officer it’s late and
the kids are tired, please…’

‘You’re a right
one you are,’ the customs man muttered ignoring him. ‘The keys
Sir.’

Patel handed
them over. ‘It’s just a bit of animal shit, that’s all, nothing
illegal,’ he said miserably.

‘Yes I’m sure,
now if you will follow me.’

He took the
still trembling dog from the other handler and handed the keys
over. ‘Give her the works John,’ he instructed. ‘Elephant dropping
- whatever next!’

FORTY-FIVE

Some months
later Firdus was expecting Doug and Gem for the weekend, he drove
into Voi to do some shopping, but more importantly to renew his gun
license, a mere formality but nevertheless it was required by
law.

Firdus had not
seen his nephew for months apart from a fleeting visit to collect
his motorcycle, it would be fun go bird shooting together. He
shopped first, leaving the gun license as the last thing to do and
then drove into the familiar sleepy police station presenting his
papers at the desk, the forms already completed. All it now needed
was a signature from the police commander and he would be on his
way. The policeman at the reception read through the papers, his
finger slowly following the text as he murmured to himself. ‘It
just needs your boss to sign it,’ prompted Firdus pointing at the
line that said station commander. The policeman moved the form away
from Firdus’s finger.

‘Yes,’ he said
and continued to read. Firdus waited.

Eventually the
cop stopped. ‘You want me to sign where?’

‘Not you,’
Firdus said, ‘the station boss. Is he in?’

‘You wait,’ the
policeman said and disappeared with the form into the back
offices.

‘Firdus?’ A
familiar voice called out. He frowned, the voice called out again
getting closer. ‘Firdus Fernandez?’

Detective
Katana walked up, a big grin on his face.

‘Katana!’
Exclaimed Firdus. ‘What on earth?’

‘Come in.’
Katana waved at him, his eyes beaming as he lifted the desk counter
to let Firdus through.

They shook
hands warmly as Katana lead him to his office, still holding his
hand.

‘What are you
doing here?’ Firdus asked, unable to contain his curiosity, he
looked around the office and then sat down.

‘Have I got a
story to tell you,’ said Katana. ‘Tea?’

‘Yes please,
I’m all ears.’

Katana shouted
the order for two cups and sat down opposite Firdus. The two
friends looked at one another in pleasure, a moment of silence.
‘I’m back here now, permanently. I’m the regional boss now,’ he
grinned.

‘Should I be
congratulating you? It doesn’t sound like a career move.’

‘No it’s not,
there’s a long story behind it, but I’m very happy to be back here
I can tell you.’

‘I’m waiting,’
Firdus said with a smile.

Katana laughed
happily and reading the form on his desk quickly signed it with a
flourish. ‘Here you go.’

Firdus folded
it and put it in his jacket. The tea arrived and they each took
their mugs and sipped, an African formality before business. Katana
talked for an hour, prompted occasionally by Firdus, marvelling at
the twists and turns.

Firdus drained
his cup. ‘That’s quite a story detective, from what you have told
me, I’m very pleased you made the decision to come back to
Voi.’

‘Yes,’ agreed
Katana, ‘it was touch and go if the Minister would release me to
take up this post.’

‘Why did he,
you must have been invaluable to him?’

‘We reached an
impasse. I had sensitive information and he was threatening me. So
I assured him that if he left me alone I would do likewise.’

‘That was very
brave of you - just like that was it?’

Katana laughed.
‘No, I won’t tell, even you sir.’

Firdus smiled.
‘Doug and his new wife are coming down this weekend, why don’t you
come out to the farm, come for dinner? They would love to see
you.’

‘Oh he married
her - Gem - did he?’

‘Yes and now
has something to tell me, an announcement.’

‘Ahh going to
make you a grand uncle,’ ventured Katana.

‘Come on out
and bring the family, it could be fun.’

‘Maybe,’ Katana
got to his feet, ‘good to see you again sir.’ He held his hand out
formally; the meeting had reached its end.

They shook
hands. ‘And you are welcome anytime, in my home detective.’

Doug and Gem
arrived at the farm in the early afternoon bubbling with
excitement. Firdus walked out to meet them. Gem opened the car door
gingerly. ‘We saw lions, just a few miles from here.’

He smiled. ‘Did
you now.’

‘Yes they were
huge and looked hungry.’ She stayed in the car craning her neck to
look round the compound nervously.

Doug got out
and hugged his uncle. ‘We had a great drive, even saw a few
elephants.’

‘What’s this
car?’ Firdus asked, walking around the pickup with a critical eye.
‘You’re driving a Landcruiser now?’

‘Yup, at least
it starts when you want it too, not like your crappy
Landrover.’

‘My Landrover
will still be running when this is a rust bucket,’ Firdus assured
him.

‘Landrovers
only last forever because they are parked most of the time, out of
order,’ Doug shot back as Firdus grinned, enjoying their familiar
argument.

He proffered a
hand to help Gem out of the car. ‘Hello Uncle,’ she smiled a
greeting as she took the hand and lightly hopped out and hugged
him.

‘Welcome to my
home,’ Firdus led her towards the house like a prize. ‘Don’t worry
about the bags,’ he called over his shoulder to Doug, ‘the staff
will get them.’

Once they had
settled in, they had tea on the veranda. Gem was enchanted at the
wild birds squabbling over cake crumbs on the floor. ‘They are so
tame!’ She exclaimed in wonder. The men smiled indulgently at
her.

‘So you have
something to tell me,’ looking at Doug.

Doug took a
deep breath and then grinned. ‘Gem’s pregnant.’

‘Wonderful!’
Firdus, feigned surprise, ‘congratulations.’

Gem smiled
shyly at him. ‘It’s only two months,’ she said hugging her tummy,
and looking at Doug.

‘Fantastic, I’m
so pleased for you both, it’s time you made my nephew a little more
responsible. I hope he has got rid of that noisy motorbike of
his?’

Doug grinned.
‘Not likely.’

‘He doesn’t
ride it much.’ Gem came to her husband’s defence.

‘Yes it’s
true,’ said Doug, ‘hardly ever really.’

‘Hmmm,’
murmured Firdus, ‘you just be bloody careful, you have
responsibilities now.’

Doug stood up
and stretched. ‘Thanks for the tea, I need to walk a little. Gem
let me show you the river.’

Gem looked at
Firdus and shook her head. ‘No lions?’

Firdus smiled.
‘No lions, but tell you what,’ he stood up and walked into the
house and came back with a cocked shotgun, which he handed to Doug
along with some shells. ‘See if you can get some birds. The sand
grouse are usually down there at this time of day.’