Elevated (12 page)

I turned toward the door,

Planned to sleep on the couch,

Sneak back to my equally empty apartment

Before Mom got off work.

“Stay,” he whispered just as I reached the door.

“Please, Elly, I can’t be alone.”

His need pulled me across the room,

Toward him,

Toward the empty space in his bed.

His need mirrored my own.

I knelt next to his bed,

Faced him,

Sandwiched his hands between mine.

“I’ll stay.”

“Forever?”

“Always and forever.”

I SAID THOSE LYING WORDS.

I’d believed them then.

Sometimes, I think I still believe them now.

I yank my hands out of his grasp,

Clutch my belly.

I can’t believe I still have tears inside,

But they keep coming,

Fast and furious over my skin

Until I’m sure my cheeks are wrinkled.

Why do those words hurt so much?

They haven’t even been said lately,

Here,

Now,

But I hear them in my head,

In my own voice,

And they hurt.

HE REACHES FOR ME,

Gathers me into his circle of safety,

Curls my body into his lap,

His arms strong and right around me.

He’s lost inside himself,

Just as I am inside of myself.

I hear my mom’s words from that fateful morning

Over and over.

“Eleanor, honey.”

Pause,

Cough,

Shuffle.

“El, there’s been an accident.

It’s Honesty.”

Pause,

Cough,

Shuffle.

Mom took a deep breath,

The sound punctuating the silence like a series of gunshots.

“She’s…”

Pause.

Shuffle.

Sob.

“Honey, she’s gone.”

With those three words,

My world shattered.

They pounded around inside my head,

Morphed into different three-word sentences.

You did this.

It’s your fault.

Travis went alone.

It’s my fault.

Elly, please stay.

I love you.

Please forgive me.

Always and forever.

I SAID THOSE WORDS,

With my voice,

In his bedroom.

I said those words and

Made Trav smile,

Barely a movement of his mouth,

Made him tug on my hands.

I said those words and

His invitation was crystal clear.

I joined him in bed,

Held him close, his head against my heartbeat,

Hoped to infuse him with enough love to make up for his missing-since-birth father

And his messed-up mother.

Before I knew it,

His mouth found mine and

We kissed and

Kissed and

Kissed

Until kissing wasn’t enough to

Fill the void in our lives.

TRAV PROVIDES THE SHELTERING I NEED,

The calm from the storms of my life,

The anchor in a brutal world

Of working mothers,

Wounded fathers,

Sub-par grades,

An uncertain

Future.

Before, the future didn’t matter.

Only being with Trav mattered.

Inside the safety of his arms,

I allow myself to remember.

After Mom said, “Honey, she’s gone,”

After I’d stopped crying,

We’d gone to see Honesty’s mother.

She stood when we entered,

Wiped her tears,

Welcomed us with kind words.

She relayed the details of the accident to my mom.

While I listened,

I held back tears,

Words,

Truth.

“I don’t know what she was thinking,”

Honesty’s mom said,

One hand clutching her throat.

“Why would she leave in the middle of a snowstorm?”

I knew why,

I knew she
wasn’t
thinking,

I knew everything that had forced her into that street.

I said nothing.

She’d taken Trav’s keys,

But not his car.

She’d walked the city streets,

But not too far.

She’d been hit by a sliding-on-ice van,

She’d smashed the windshield with her skull,

Injured her spine,

Broken two ribs,

Her right arm,

Her left leg.

I’d broken our friendship,

Her spirit,

Everything.

I punished myself by keeping my promise to her,

And cutting Trav off,

Refusing his phone calls,

Doing my best to disappear.

The way she had.

THE QUIET IN THE ELEVATOR

Is the perfect background for the memories

Circling inside my mind.

I used to avoid this pain,

These thoughts,

All remembrances.

“When did you know you liked me?” I ask,

To cut the silence,

To curb the desire to find solace in Travis.

He answers immediately.

“The first time I kissed Honesty.”

He says her name so easily,

Inhales,

Tightens his grip on my body.

“I knew as soon as I did it,

That it should’ve been you.”

For some reason, this hurts more than anything else,

More than the past five months of silence,

Of bearing burdens solo that he should’ve shared with me,

More than seeing Honesty lying in that casket,

More than never seeing her again.

Because he still went out with her,

Still asked her to prom.

He shouldn’t have done that.

He could’ve chalked it up to a romantic day,

Or the chocolate,

Or almost anything else.

He didn’t.

“WHAT ABOUT YOU?”

“What about me?” I ask,

Though I know exactly what he’s asking.

I need more time to answer,

More time to order the words,

More time to arrange the lie on my tongue.

“Oh, come on. When did you know you liked me?”

I raise one shoulder in a shrug,

Unable to pinpoint when,

Or at least unable to vocalize it.

The feelings I have for Trav

Seem to have existed inside me forever.

“I know when,” he says.

“Or, at least when I figured it out.”

I wait for him to tell me,

Hope I haven’t been completely transparent.

“When you called me to reschedule our shopping trip.

Remember that? The day I asked Honesty to prom?”

“I remember,” I murmur,

Wish someone would cut the cable on this elevator,

Send us plummeting to the basement.

Suddenly, I don’t want to talk about—
us
.

“I heard it in your voice.

Or I thought I did.

You said you couldn’t go because she was coming over,

And you’d be ‘tied up for hours.’

You sounded like you’d rather eat seafood

Than spend the afternoon with her.”

The seafood comment

Makes me sob/smile.

The seafood comment

Reminds me of how well Trav knows me,

How much I miss him,

How much we’ve shared.

The seafood comment

Also reminds me of how much he’s missed,

How much I haven’t told him,

How much I blame him.

“SO I SUSPECTED.

When we went to the florist,

I watched you.

You eyed the flowers like you wanted to sprout claws,

Rip them to ribbons.

I saw the jealousy in your every move,

Hoped it was because
I
hadn’t asked you,

And not just because no one had asked you.”

“But I really knew when we got back to the building.

The elevator came;

You just stood there.

I took your hand,

Pulled you in,

Saw the look on your face…”

He trails off as if remembering something valuable.

I REMEMBER THAT DAY

When he touched me,

Knowing that we would be good together,

Knowing I wouldn’t be whole without him,

Knowing if I ever loved again, it wouldn’t be like this.

“Our hands fit together,” I say,

Craving that touch,

Craving the past,

Craving what can’t be repeated.

“I was so happy,” he murmurs back.

“I should’ve called her,

Told her everything,

Asked you to prom instead.

I’m sorry, Elly.”

My chest shudders with his apology,

The words sound true,

Real,

Genuine.

I want to tell him that it’s okay,

But it’s so far from okay I can’t even name what it is.

“I didn’t kiss her at all after I kissed you,” he continues,

Drives the pin deeper into my heart.

“She told me.”

Somehow, knowing this makes me

Love him more.

Even when I want to hate him,

I can’t.

“IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.”

Trav’s words echo in the elevator,

Push deeper,

Deeper,

Invading my mind like they might be true,

Like I might be able to believe him

Someday.

“It’s mine, Elly, and mine alone.

I should’ve waited to get a hold of you.”

I breathe in the smell of his detergent,

Press my face right over his heartbeat.

“Maybe. Maybe not. But she—”

I cut myself off,

Unsure if I should reveal this secret,

Knowing he’ll hate me.

Really hate me.

I CAN’T STOP MYSELF FROM REMEMBERING.

And now,

Now,

Now I know I won’t be able to stop myself from telling him.

LAST WINTER, I STOOD IN MY ROOM,

Stared at the calendar.

Three weeks.

Three weeks,

Three weeks since the ballet.

Last winter,

My muscles felt like they’d been run over,

Run over,

Run over with an eighteen-wheeler full of
I-can’t-believe-it-what-will-everyone-think?

Last winter,

It took two rounds

Two rounds,

Two rounds of
bubble gum, bubble gum

For me to pick up the twenty dollar bill.

The best three out of five coin tosses to get dressed.

Where to go?
Eenie, meenie, miney, mo.

The C-station on the corner.

It had rained overnight,

Coated the sidewalk with ice.

I slipped,

Cut my palm when I fell,

Stuffed my hand in my pocket,

Pulled my hood over my face.

Once there, I grabbed the first available box,

Kept my hood up when I paid for it.

Back home,

My hand dripped bright red streaks into the sink.

My fingers gripped the white stick.

My hood couldn’t block the sight

Of those

two

little

pink

lines.

TRAV’S PATIENCE IS
ENDLESS,

Maddening,

Adorable.

His arm around me stiffens slightly,

The only indication that he’s desperate for me to keep talking.

“She seemed okay for most of it,”

I force myself to say.

The words sound cramped in my mouth,

Too big for this giant elevator,

Too dangerous to keep inside any longer.

“She only flipped out when I told her about the baby.”

The last word is a whisper,

A dream,

A curse.

THE SECRET,

The pregnancy,

The baby,

Ate at me,

Took complete control of my thoughts,

Left no room for anything,

Or anyone,

Else.

I fell off the map,

Didn’t eat for fear I’d throw up,

And then Mom would know.

I didn’t help her

In the kitchen on Christmas Eve for fear the smell would make me sick,

For fear she would know.

I wasn’t brave,

Didn’t tell her,

Didn’t want her to know.

I wasn’t responsible,

With Trav,