Authors: Walter Knight
The border between Arthropodan and USGF territories was marked by wooden stakes. To the right was the beach. To the left was high grass, palms, and the volcano. I parked the armored car and got out. “Guido, you put your guard shack here. This will be the only checkpoint. No drug dealing. Understand?”
“Yes, sir,” replied Corporal Tonelli, shrugging. “I provide a service. If not, someone else will step up.”
“Sergeant Williams! Place a machine gun at the tree line. Dig in and fortify with sandbags. I want wire and landmines, too.”
“Are you planning on starting a war and shooting it out with the spiders?” asked Guido. “That’s bad for business. We’re allies now.”
“This is an island,” I explained. “There is nowhere to run, and I still don’t know what those spiders are up to. I’m sure it’s no good.”
“In case of emergency, we can swim,” suggested Guido, surveying the landscape and beach. A spider work crew was clearing brush across the border. One of them waved.
“I don’t swim with sharks. This side of the island is the only access point. If the spiders cause trouble, they have to pass through here. Stay alert.”
“More people die from falling coconuts than from shark attacks,” scoffed Guido.
A spider officer from the work crew approached. “Czerinski!” exclaimed the spider commander. “I blame you for marooning me on this piece of nowhere! Every time you get transferred, our Military Intelligence suspects the worst and assigns me to find out what you human pestilence are scheming. Well? Out with it. Why are you here?”
“To find out what you are hiding under that camouflage netting,” I answered, nodding to their construction project on the far slope. “It’s good to see you again. Long time no see.”
“Ha! You don’t know everything, after all. None of your business what we are building. You stay on your side of the border, or else!”
“I’m not feeling the love.”
“Trouble follows you like a dragon. There is no love!”
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Chapter 13
We erected prefab huts on the beach, a beautiful site.
Maybe this assignment to Paradise won’t so bad after all,
I mused. Master Sergeant Green was keeping the men busy moving in and setting up camp. I scheduled a meeting with the locals tomorrow, but for now I sat at my desk with paperwork. Administrative duties and paperwork never end.
“Sir, Private Krueger wants to talk to you about a personal problem,” advised Sergeant Green, rolling his eyes. “You are not going to believe this.”
“Send him in.” Private Krueger entered and saluted. “Sir, my wife is pregnant.” “Congratulations Krueger. When is she due? “Any time now, sir. Dawn is holding back on laying the eggs until I get home.” “Eggs?” “He’s married to a spider,” explained Sergeant Green. “Remember? You signed the permission slip yourself. I told you it wasn’t a good idea.”
“I didn’t give permission to hatch eggs!” “Sir, the problem is ... Dawn can’t give birth unless I assist,” advised Krueger. “I need to be there to cut the egg sac.” “Spare me the gory details! How is this even possible? It’s not possible, that’s how. Obviously Dawn had help from the neighbors.” “Sir, Dawn has been seeing a fertility doctor,” advised Krueger. “Want to see the sonogram? Our babies will be a new species.” Private Krueger passed me the computer images. It was true. Dawn was giving birth to little ankle-biting monsters. “You’re going to need a flyswatter,” I mused out loud. “Does anyone else know about this?”
“No, sir, just Pastor Jim and the doctor, and maybe a few of Dawn’s biker friends.” “Have you considered getting an abortion?” I asked. “I don’t think you realize the repercussions this is going to cause.” “No, sir! Dawn is Catholic.” “Dawn is a spider.” “She’s a Catholic spider. Dawn found the Lord while I was away, sir.” “I suppose you found the Lord too?” “No, sir,” replied Krueger. “I tried, but did you know Catholics follow the Ten Commandments? I can only manage to follow about six or seven. Does that make me bad?”
“Don’t worry about it. I can only manage a few commandments myself.” “So, you think I can still get into Heaven?” asked Krueger. “You? Not a chance.” “Sir, I need emergency leave to assist Dawn. Otherwise, I will go AWOL.” “No! Dawn will be brought here. I will arrange a Legion shuttle.”
* * * * *
“Dawn is being brought
here
?” asked Sergeant Green, after Krueger left.
Major Lopez had also joined us. “On a Legion shuttle?” he scoffed. “How are you going to manage that?”
“When General Daly finds out, there will be no problem bringing Dawn here,” I explained. “This has to be kept secret until we figure out what to do.”
“What do you mean?” “Those eggs will hatch monsters, a new exoskeleton species. You think that is going to be allowed?” “What is the alternative?” asked Major Lopez grimly. “You would murder them?” “No, Lopez,
you
will. I suggest you use a grenade to take them all out.”
“Do your own dirty work!” shouted Lopez, visibly shaken. He produced a grenade from his pouch and placed it on my desk. “I have enough of your bullshit etched into my retina. I won’t do it!”
“Since when are you such a saint?”
“Screw you, Czerinski. If you do this, may the Grim Reaper take you straight to Hell, because you really are the Butcher of New Colorado.”
“I’ll have lots of company!” I shouted as Lopez left my office, slamming the door. “You will join me soon enough!”
“The Universe is a big place,” advised Sergeant Green, trying to reason with me. “Surely there is enough room for a few more monsters. Hell, that’s all there are out there. Humanity is surrounded by bugs.”
“Our superiors will make the final decision.” “You are on your own this time,” replied Green. “This is messed up.” “Maybe,” I said, pocketing the grenade. Later, I received a text from General Daly. The CIA concurred that I should handle it. I had a personal matter that needed to be resolved, too. My ex-girlfriend, Lydia, could no longer handle thirteen-year-old Joey Junior, and wanted me to accept more responsibility for my son.
No problem.
I told Lydia to hitch a ride on the same shuttle as Dawn, and bring Joey Junior. Legion efficiency strikes again.
* * * * *
I was waiting on the beach when the shuttle touched down. I was nervous about seeing Lydia again because she used to be a terrorist and had tried to kill me several times. I ordered Legionnaires to frisk her for weapons as she exited the shuttle. Surprisingly Lydia didn’t put up much of a fuss. I guess she remembered my paranoid nature. Still, Lydia gave me the silent treatment. All Lydia would say was that she was ‘fine,’ which of course meant she had issues that I would be forced to talk with her about later. No such luck with Joey Junior.
“Hey pops, how’s it hanging? Long time no see. I see you and mom still love each other.” “Don’t call me ‘pops.’” “No problem, dude.” “Do not call me ‘dude’ either. Address me as ‘father,’ ‘dad,’ or ‘sir.’” “Bite me!” “You will be on KP duty until your attitude changes for the better,” I ordered. I nodded to Corporal Wayne, our largest spider legionnaire. Wayne slid his claw alongside Joey Junior’s ear, grabbed a clawful of matted hair, and dragged the boy off to the kitchen to join Private Knight on punishment detail.
“Help!” cried Joey Junior, throwing wild punches. “Get this stinking alien off me! I’m not one of your legionnaires you can just order around! This is child abuse! I’m calling CPS on you! You will be so sorry! This is inhumane!”
“If you got a haircut, Wayne wouldn’t be able to grab your hair like that,” I advised, trying to be fatherly and helpful. “Those earrings are coming off too.”
Wayne pulled a dreadlock out by its bloody roots, tossing it at me contemptuously as he passed.
“See what you have to look forward to,” I whispered to Private Krueger, after he hugged and kissed Dawn. “Except you will have fifty of the little unappreciative ingrate monsters.”
“We’ll manage,” replied Krueger dismissively. “Sir!” “It’s not too late to change your mind, you know.” “What?” asked Dawn. “What’s he mean by that?” “Nothing, sweetie,” answered Krueger nervously. “Officers, they’re never happy.” Dawn and Private Krueger were whisked off to a special honeymoon beach shack built especially for them, designed for maximum privacy. Both were told to keep a low profile until the birthing.
* * * * *
Dawn was restless and declined to even go inside the honeymoon beach hut. She immediately began cutting palm tree branches, piling them atop the shack. Private Krueger looked on, helpless as the nest grew. Finally annoyed, Dawn turned her attention back to her husband. “Why don’t you make yourself useful and get me some pizza and ice cream? I don’t need male help building my nest. Get me some blue powder cocaine too. I’m all out, and I need something to relax my nerves. The sound of that damn ocean is driving me nuts!”
“Yes, dear,” replied Krueger, hesitating before leaving. “Sweetie, I don’t think blue powder cocaine would be good for the kids. They might be born addicted.”
“Go! And don’t come back until you have brought me my fix! How I let you live this long is beyond me!”
* * * * *
Private Krueger contacted his friend Guido to get the blue powder cocaine. “Czerinski told me no drug dealing,” explained Guido. “I can’t do it. I have no inventory.” “Who are you more afraid of?” asked Krueger. “Dawn or Czerinski? “Dawn. I’ll give you my last stash, but after that, I’m out.” “Thanks, Guido. You’re a real pal.” “So it’s true, Dawn is pregnant with little Krueger critters?” asked Guido. “I have connections. We can make a fortune putting the little guys in a circus. The whole galaxy is going to want to see this.”
“My kids are not freaks for a show,” advised Krueger, showing Guido the sonogram images. “See? Aren’t they beautiful?”
“No,” answered Guido, cringing as he looked closer. “Look at the size of that pecker!”
“I’m going to name one of them Guido, after you. In fact, I will name all my kids after my Legion family. Did I tell you there will be fifty eggs?”
“Don’t name any of your critters after Czerinski or Lopez.” “I might.” “You better hire a nanny or something,” suggested Guido. “Or build a cage. Do they bite?” “We’re on an island. How far can they go?” “Make sure they don’t cross the border,” advised Guido. “You know how anal the spiders get. They have no sense of humor about trespassing or interspecies fraternization.”
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Chapter 14
I visited Dawn at her love shack. Oddly, she was perched atop a ragged crow’s next on the roof, fanning herself with a palm as she rocked back and forth and chanted.
“Hi Dawn! Have you laid your eggs yet? I was hoping you would do your business inside.” “Would I still be sitting up here if I had?” hissed Dawn. “When is your due date?” “I am too tense to birth now,” she hissed again, seeming a bit on edge. “Have you seen Willie? I sent him out for some blue ... for some pizza and ice cream. Food calms me down.”
“I noticed you’ve put on a few pounds,” commented Major Lopez, standing next to me. “There are no pizza parlors on Quenaudenville. Want some MREs?”
“I would rather starve to death than eat that toxic waste,” advised Dawn, crossing all four arms.
“How about some coconut milk?” I offered. “We have lots.”
“You can shove your coconut milk up your poop chute,” replied Dawn sweetly. “What do you and your pet snake Lopez want? Willie told me about you suggesting an abortion. You disgust me!”
“It’s not abortion if it’s just unhatched eggs,” I reasoned. “It’s more like omelets.” “You are a beast!” “If you aren’t in the mood for laying eggs now, how about we give you a tour of the island? Peace?” “What are you up to Czerinski?” asked Dawn, suspicious. “Whatever it is, I am sure it is no good.” “Ever see a volcano from the top?” I asked pleasantly. “It’s quite a sight, seeing a lake of bubbling red-hot molten lava.” “It’s cool way up there in the clouds,” added Major Lopez. “Very relaxing.” “I am all for that!” exclaimed Dawn, scrambling down from her palm mound. Her sudden mood change was startling. “The heat and humidity is killing me. I am used to dry heat, you know.”
“I’ll pack some sweet iced tea for the trip,” I suggested. “We can ride the conveyor belt to the top.”
“How nice,” gushed Dawn. “You really are quite charming when you want to be. Although I doubt it, maybe that Butcher of New Colorado tag is just bad press after all.”
“Don’t count on that,” grumbled Major Lopez to himself.
“I suppose Lopez has to come along?” whispered Dawn. “I do not trust that snake-in-the-grass Lopez. See how his facial muscles twitch with every perverted deceitful felonious thought in his tiny evil brain?”
“I’ll be sure to keep Lopez on a short leash,” I promised, offering Dawn a hand down from the last step. “You’re right. Lopez is a
bendaho
.”
“You both deserve your fate,” bristled Major Lopez, following us to the lift.
“Shouldn’t we wait for Willie?”
“I’ll text Guido to have your husband join us,” I replied. “Who knows? Maybe by that time Willie will have found pizza and ice cream, and we can have a picnic.”
“Or a barbecue,” added Major Lopez, smirking. “All I have on me is some Pirate’s Booty Aged White Cheddar Puffs,” I added. “Arrrr, arrrr, arrrr!” “Oh, I love the taste of Pirate’s Booty!” exclaimed Dawn. “Do you have real pirates in these waters?” “Yes, lots.” “The Pirate’s Booty people should pay us for the good press,” commented Major Lopez. “Just saying. Taco Bell and McDonald’s, too.” “I hope Knight gets sued by Pirate’s Booty.” “Walter Knight, that fine looking boy with the big nose?” gushed Dawn. “The world-famous science fiction writer? Don’t be silly.” “You don’t know Knight like we do,” warned Major Lopez. “He’s not to be trusted. No story with a looming volcano in it ends well.” “It’s always the quiet types who sneak up on you,” I added. “I hope Nike sues Knight too.” “I love Nike’s spider-wear shoes,” advised Dawn, glancing down at her brand new Nike spider-runners. “Nike wouldn’t sue a nice boy like Walter.”