Authors: Walter Knight
* * * * *
“Is the game still on?” asked Corporal Tonelli, waving tickets at the Intelligentsia officer. “I got front row seats just for you. You’re not going to let one little riot cancel the game, I hope?”
“No way,” answered the Intelligentsia officer, snatching the tickets. He scanned the tickets, reading the human pestilence writing with his translator. “The Harlem World Trotters. Are they any good?”
“They’re average,” advised Guido. “Care to place a bet that your all-stars can beat them?” “How many points can you give me?” “It’s a straight up bet,” insisted Guido. “After all, this is a home game for you spiders. You have home planet advantage.” “Put me down for fifty thousand credits on our all-stars to beat your World Trotters.” “That’s Globetrotters.” “Whatever,” said the Intelligentsia officer, swiping his card to record the bet. “Others may be placing wagers, too.” “Not a problem,” advised Guido. “I can handle all the action you bring.” “Just remember, I get a percentage of all action I send you.”
* * * * *
I briefed Ambassador James Yamashita. He was concerned about fallout from the riot. This was my second assignment with Yamashita. In my opinion, he was a worry-wart, but he seemed to be a professional, competent diplomat.
“Was it really necessary to shoot that spider demonstrator?” asked Ambassador Yamashita. “Did you know the President saw the whole thing on TV and called me personally about it?”
“We’re still reviewing helmet camera downloads,” I advised. “Maybe that spider had a heart attack or something.”
“He was shot off his perch at the front gate! Everyone saw it on the database news.”
“That has not been confirmed. There was a lot of confusion, and we do not know for sure he was shot. We were ducking toasters. I plead self-defense. It’s a jungle out there.”
“There will be no more incidents,” warned Ambassador Yamashita, pacing about his office. “I worked hard to get this plum appointment to Arthropoda. Do not screw it up for me, or else!”
“Yes, sir.”
“Why are the spiders throwing toasters, of all things? Have they gone crazy? Or is this a result of more games by you and your CIA buddies? Why was I not informed the spiders toasted their bread!”
“They don’t. That’s the problem. That, and a few malcontents and agitators. It’s nothing to worry about.” “Security is getting lax,” complained Ambassador Yamashita. “I expect you to be more diligent.” “Yes, sir.” “Are you going to the Globetrotters game?” “I don’t have tickets yet.” “Neither do I. You tell Guido I expect front-row seats for two behind the American bench!” “Yes, sir.”
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Chapter 2
The Emperor and his Americanized wife, Queen Rainbow from planet colony New Colorado, sat in a deluxe box seat high above the basketball arena.
“How come I have to sit way up here?” asked the Emperor, pointing unhappily at the basketball court below. “Look at that. Even that fool Barney has a front row seat!”
“Oh!” shouted Queen Rainbow. “Ambassador Yamashita and Lulu have front row seats, too. Do something! Everyone has front row seats but us!”
“Your Majesty, this deluxe box is necessary because of security concerns,” replied the Intelligentsia officer. “It is unsafe for you to sit among the peasants.”
“But the rabble have a much better view!” complained the Emperor.
“That reminds me,” said the Intelligentsia officer. “The game is about to start, and I have to get down there. My wife gets upset if I am late.”
“You have front row tickets?” asked the Emperor.
“Someone has to keep an eye on that anarchist Barney,” explained the Intelligentsia officer. “He has devious ways.”
“Give me those tickets!” demanded the Emperor, snatching the Intelligence officer’s stubs. “The Queen and I will be sitting courtside.”
“But Your Majesty, it is not safe. What about security?” “That is why I have Imperial Marines. It is about time they started earning their pay!” “But my wife will be upset. I will get the silent treatment for weeks.” “Tough! It’s about time I got out among my loyal subjects. An Emperor needs to be seen and to make his presence known. Otherwise, the peasants get restless.”
“It’s so nice of you to give up your tickets!” exclaimed Queen Rainbow, kissing the intelligence officer on his mandible, and excitedly following His Majesty down the stairs to courtside. “Everyone who is anyone is here. Oh honey, I’m so happy to be out of that box! Go Globetrotters!”
“We are cheering for the home team,” admonished the Emperor. “Remember your position.”
“Yes, dear,” answered the Queen as she ran off to greet and hug Lulu.
The Emperor let Queen Rainbow run amuck. Better she give Lulu an earful than him. A marine security detail chased after her. The spider all-stars, having finished their warm-ups, were seated directly in front of the Emperor. He leaned forward and tapped one of the players on the back. “I expect you to win this game, or else!” threatened the Emperor. “I have money riding on you.”
“We will try,” replied the startled spider player. “But you know the human pestilence Globetrotters have won over ten thousand games in a row.”
“What? That is impossible. If this game is fixed, heads will roll!”
“It is their ball handling,” explained the spider player. “Globetrotters pass the ball at the speed of light.”
“We shall see about that,” commented the Emperor, upset. “Speed of light indeed! You have eight hands and feet. You have eyes in the back of your head. Your superior evolutionary exoskeleton design gives you a distinct advantage. I expect superior ball handling and passing, or else. Do your Empire proud!”
“Yes, Your Majesty.”
* * * * *
Skyhook Johnson captivated the crowd with his skilful dribbling and quick ball handling. An artist with a basketball, Skyhook was the de facto leader of the Globetrotters. He relished the spotlight, and all eyes were on him as he put on another fine performance for his fans, literally running circles around the spider all-stars.
Skyhook waved to the adoring crowd as he dribbled. With the lead secured, the Globetrotters now performed their antics. Skyhook grabbed the jersey of the spiders’ team captain, stretching the fabric several feet until the referee finally called a foul. As the spider player stood at the foul line, preparing for a free-throw shot, Skyhook snuck behind and pulled down one of the spider’s socks.
Annoyed, the spider player kicked at Skyhook but continued concentrating on his free-throw attempt. Skyhook darted in to pull down another sock. This time the spider player turned to confront Skyhook, chasing him past the three-point circle. Skyhook was too quick to be caught, taunting the spider player from afar. The crowd loved it, cheering loudly.
The spider player returned to the free-throw line. This time he kept one of his eight eyes pointed at Skyhook. The shot was up ... and missed! Skyhook clapped his hands, edging closer to the spider player. Skyhook rushed forward to grab the spider player’s sock again, but this time grabbed his shorts, pulling them down. The spider player was furious, taking a vicious swipe at Skyhook with his claw. Skyhook avoided injury by deftly dancing back. He turned his back on the spider and waved again to the crowd.
The spider player threw the basketball at Skyhook, striking him in the back. Both benches cleared, followed by a lot of shouting and shoving. When order was restored, the spider basketball player returned the free-throw line.
Skyhook made a great show of apologizing to the spider player, extending his hand to shake hand to claw. They both publicly made amends, and play resumed. Skyhook tossed the basketball to the spider player. However, the ball fell short, bursting into a million ceramic pieces in front of the spider player.
Having switched the basketball for a ceramic ball, Skyhook now waved to the cheering crowd, celebrating his latest gag. The referee was not amused, and called a technical foul on Skyhook for delay of game.
Seeming out of character, Skyhook became enraged at being cited with a technical foul. He picked up a bucket from the bench and threatened to douse the spider referee with its contents. Mortified, the ref ran in the opposite direction, with Skyhook chasing close behind. They ran the entire perimeter of the basketball court, fans on each side cheering as they passed.
Suddenly the referee angled toward the spider all-stars’ bench. Arthropodan marines jumped up, forming a barrier protecting the Emperor. Annoyed, the Emperor yelled in displeasure, “Sit down you fools, I cannot see the show!”
“Your Majesty, that human pestilence intends to throw a bucket of water,” responded a spider officer. “We will not allow royalty to be assaulted by the human pestilence.”
“Nonsense!” replied the Emperor. “I have seen this show on human pestilence Satellite TV! It is just a gag for our amusement. The bucket only contains harmless paper confetti. Sit down, or else!”
As the spider marines lowered their guard, the referee ran straight toward the all-star bench. Skyhook, close on his heels, threw the bucket contents. Green Gatorade missed the referee and doused His Majesty.
A dozen spider marines rushed forward, grabbing Skyhook, knocking him the floor, and stomping the Globetrotter into unconsciousness. Skyhook was kicked so hard, his diamond stud earring popped out and skittered across the floor. Globetrotters, along with human fans and armed legionnaires from the honor guard, raced to save Skyhook. Several shots were fired, dispersing the crowd surrounding Skyhook. Sensing another riot about to take place, the spider Intelligentsia officer grabbed a microphone, trying to calm the crowd and establish authority. “By order of the Emperor, order will be restored immediately! By Imperial Decree, the human pestilence ‘World Trotters’ basketball team forfeits this game for unsporting and uncivilized-like conduct! The offending Skyhook is under arrest for assaulting the royal personage of His Majesty, and will be tried and executed at dawn! Go home. The show is over!”
Corporal Tonelli, until now quietly watching and counting his profits, grabbed the microphone from the Intelligentsia officer and yelled, “Oh no you don’t! You can’t fix this game!”
“The Emperor’s Decree is law!” replied the Intelligentsia officer. “Our all-stars win. Your human pestilence World Trotters lose. I win my bet! Pay up. Do not try to worm out of it. I will collect my due!”
“Not likely,” responded Corporal Tonelli. “All bets were registered and bonded through Bonanno Bookies and Associates of New Memphis. This matter will go to binding arbitration before any payouts are authorized.”
“You cheat!” accused the Intelligentsia officer, poking his claw at Corporal Tonelli. “Guido, you will not get away with welshing on our wager! You will be arrested if you do not pay up!”
“Read the fine print on the back of your receipt,” advised Guido. “Disputes are handled by binding arbitration. It’s the law. I think it’s even in the Constitution, somewhere in the Bill of Rights.”
“You will join Skyhook in front of a firing squad!” “You want a war? Mess with me, and I’ll have the Mafia on you!” “There is no such thing as the Mafia,” scoffed the Intelligentsia officer. “I have heard you say that a million times!” “I lied. The Mafia is everywhere, and they will invoke the Vendetta if anything happens to me!” The Intelligentsia officer paused, looking about, half expecting to be rushed by a mob of human pestilence sub-category Italiano. Not seeing any swarthy human pestilence about, he brightened. “You bluff. Your Mafia is a paper tiger, just like your Foreign Legion and your Uncle Sam!”
“You don’t know what are talking about,” warned Guido. “You better watch your back.”
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Chapter 3
General Lopez called me on my communications pad. “What is this?” he fumed. “I’m watching the game on TV, and suddenly there’s another riot? That’s two riots this week! What are you going to do about Skyhook? The man is a national hero, an icon for little kids! We can’t allow Skyhook to be treated like that. Are they really going to execute Skyhook at dawn?”
I ignored General Lopez at first, pushing my way through the crowd. I could see Skyhook being carried off by spider marines, but could not get to him. The crowd was upset. Scattered fights broke out among gamblers. The Emperor quickly left. I looked about, helpless to do anything. I spied Guido and the Intelligentsia officer arguing.
“I’m working on it,” I finally answered Lopez, still upset.
“Do you realize how much money I lose if the Globetrotters forfeit?” asked General Lopez. “I bet on a sure thing against those dumb
bendaho
spiders, and this happens! Do something!”
I disconnected as I approached Guido and the Intelligentsia officer. “I want Skyhook released immediately,” I demanded. “His illegal arrest will not be tolerated!”
“I assure you there is nothing illegal about the arrest of your human pestilence assassin thug, Skyhook,” replied the Intelligentsia officer. “Do not worry about legalities. A magistrate will review the matter before Skyhook is executed at dawn.”
“I want to be present at his hearing!”
“And so you shall,” promised the Intelligentsia officer smugly. “We believe in due process in the Empire. No one on Arthropoda has ever been lynched, unlike your sorry legal system.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I replied, poking the Intelligentsia officer. “I’m bringing a Legion attorney, too. You will be in big trouble if anything happens to Skyhook!”
“Whatever,” taunted the Intelligentsia officer as I tromped off.