Embracing You, Embracing Me (31 page)

“Oh, my God, Gabriel. I have missed you so
much.” I had so much to tell him and couldn’t get the words out fast enough.

“I love you. You know that right? I have
always loved you. I should have told you. I’m so sorry that I never did.” It
came spilling out so fast that I could barely take my next breath. “Oh, why did
you have to leave me?” I sobbed into his chest, everything inside of me breaking
into a million little pieces.

He softly stroked my long hair, crooning in
his soft, familiar tone, “I know, Roshell. Shh, Shh, Shh. I know.” He held me
until my crying ebbed, then gently pulled away, holding me at arms length.
“Roshell I need you to get control of yourself, or this visit will do you no
good. I came because there are things left unsaid between us, but we can’t
communicate if you don’t calm down. It’s not good for you, and I will have to
leave.” His expression was calm and loving as he searched my face, waiting for
me to understand.

I was still overwhelmed, but the thought of
him leaving was unbearable. I took in a few shaky breaths and nodded.

Gabriel embraced me again with the same
tight bear hug that I had always loved. I felt secure. I was happy. When he
spoke, the vibration of his voice rumbled through my body. “I had a hard time
leaving too. I have been watching my family, you, Darren, and everyone else
that I love. It’s been so difficult to watch all of you while you struggle to move
on and live your lives. But I have been there for you, desperately hoping that
you could all feel my presence.

“It’s difficult to reach you, to get
through to you when you are so consumed with grief. It closes you off from us.
I have been working with my strongest guide, learning how to communicate with
the material world. I think that dreams are my best medium so far.” He pulled
back again, his eyes roaming my face, monitoring how I was holding up given the
circumstances.

I was listening intently, and while part of
me knew that this was a dream, I knew that it was also as real as any waking
moment that I had ever experienced. His face was so crisp and clear, and the
timbre of his voice resonated in the air as he spoke. My eyes were wide and my
body taught with tension as I tried to take it all in. I wanted to etch it to
memory so that I would have it forever, and my heart was beating so hard that I
thought it would surely crack.

Gabriel’s face grew serious. “Now, I need
to talk to you about your life, Roshell, your choices. I know that this has
been difficult for you. You feel guilty for not expressing your emotions to me
while you had the chance. You regret not paying closer attention to the more
precious moments that have passed in your life. You’re having a hard time
moving forward as you are so afraid of letting go of the past, because you
think that you will forget.” He paused as Isimply nodded while silent tears
streamed down my face.

He reached out and cupped my face in his
hands. I turned my cheek to feel the warmth of his skin. “Roshell, you hold
onto your pain like it’s your friend. I’m here to tell you that you cannot
cradle and protect that pain anymore. You have to let it go, before it
completely consumes you. You will not forget me when you choose to let go of
that pain, and you have to know that my time is over. I did the things in that
life that I was supposed to do. You still have things to do in your life.”

I broke in at that moment. “But I don’t
know how to let you go. I don’t understand so many things. Why would I know you
and love you just to have you leave? I never even knew how you truly felt about
me, I still question it,” I cried, expressing my frustration.

Gabriel sighed. “I know it feels unfair
that our time was so short and left so many open questions and loose ends. The
only thing that I can say is that that time was special for the both of us and
it must not go wasted by only grasping onto the pain of what was lost rather
than what was created.”

Then he looked into my eyes with an
intensity that was unbelievable, and suddenly a vision came into my mind. I saw
a clear image of Nico and Marissa as Gabriel spoke. “This is what you are
supposed to be doing, Roshell. This man is whom you are supposed to be with
now. But I have to warn you, that you will push him away if you don’t let go of
your pain. Don’t make that mistake.”

Then the vision dissipated. I blinked and
re-focused on Gabriel’s face as he stood before me.

He caressed my cheeks, and gave a
bittersweet smile. “Now, I have said all that I came to say.” He must have seen
my panic as I feared his departure because he quickly added, “But… there is one
more gift that I have for you. I know that you have repeatedly wished that you
had paid more attention to the small details while you had the chance. Neither
one of us was ever good at being forthcoming with our feelings for each other
because of our stubborn ways. We have unfinished business and we’ve been given
the opportunity to have some closure… for both of our sakes.”

I had his wrists in my tight grip and
looked up into his face. I knew that every second with him was precious and
limited and feared doing or saying anything that might cut it short, so I
merely nodded my acknowledgement.

Suddenly everything went dark. My breathing
picked up heavily as I looked around and saw only a pitch-black void. Before I
could further panic, my body was filled with a warm, fluid calm and I closed my
eyes, falling into its salvation as it bubbled inside.

In the next moment I was lying down completely
unclothed, yet still felt warm and uninhibited. Then a soft light filtered in
from above, just as familiar arms embraced me. I almost purred as I curved into
Gabriel’s loving arms. We had been given this gift, to replace the last night
that we had been together and had not made the most of.

I ran my hands and fingertips up and down
his arms and chest feeling the texture of his hair, the softness of his skin.
Burying my face into his neck, I inhaled deeply recognizing, loving, the scent
of him, praying to mould it into memory forever. Everything was so real, so
vivid that it was impossible to separate it from reality. He was caressing my
body and soul with the same care and tenderness. Knowledge of a lifetime and of
the beyond encompassed the moment and we felt that our hearts would break from
our longing.

Gabriel whispered in the dark, “I love you.
I will always be with you. Remember… ‘we will always find our way back to each
other.’”

I wrapped myself around him and brought him
even closer. “I love you Gabriel, I always have, and I’m sorry that I never
told you before. Thank you so much for being part of my life and being the
person that you are.”

We continued to hold one another, each of
us grateful for the precious time we had been given as we avoided yet another
goodbye and drifted off to sleep.

My eyes fluttered open as consciousness
slowly seeped into my brain, the dream still vivid. I stared straight up and
saw a faint glow on the roof of the tent and assumed that it must be very early
in the morning. The sky was beginning to lighten just before the sun rose for
the day.

I slowly turned the other direction and saw
Nico sleeping soundly right next to me. I smiled at his open-mouthed, deep
breathing.

The dream was still alive and thriving in
the back of my mind and I needed to get out of the tent to create a distance
from the man sleeping beside me, and the one that had just visited in the
dream-world.

I carefully slipped on my shoes and crept
out of the tent, making barely a sound.

I was right. The sky was slowly beginning
to lighten to a grayish-pink glow over the horizon. I walked down to the lake
to watch the earth come alive with the return of the light of the world.

Looking out across the smooth waters of the
lake, I scanned the stillness of the surroundings. The dream played out over
and over again, and I was filled with a calm and sense of love that I had never
before experienced.

I wasn’t sure exactly what had happened
during the night, but whatever it was, had changed me instantly and completely.
I searched deep inside myself for any traces of pain or bitterness and felt
only acceptance. I no longer felt connected with the scared little girl who had
grown up feeling unlovable, unremarkable. I no longer felt one with the
all-consuming guilt of lost time and words unspoken. I no longer felt trapped
with that prison of loneliness that had always held me within its tight grips,
strangling my ability to reach out and accept the love that people offered.

Somehow, Gabriel had helped release me from
that bondage and I could only feel gratitude.

Looking up into the huge family of trees
that had been there since before my time and would continue to be there when I
was gone, I felt an incredible sense of belonging in this confusing yet loving
universe.

I knew that I had come here to heal, and
heal is what I had done, with the help of a friend.

NICO:
All day I have been sensing that there is something profoundly
different with Roshell. There is a calm quiet about her that is perplexing but
somehow I can tell that it is a positive change, a grounding change.

We swam in the chilly lake and took another
long walk before making dinner. Roshell was giggly and lighthearted as she
cooked steaks over the fire and I poked at a couple of mating slugs, making all
sorts of inappropriate comments just to get her to laugh.

I love to make her laugh. She has a way of
laughing that makes your heart rise to your throat and your chest swell with
pride at having caused it.

I want to make her laugh for the rest of my
life.

Later that night as we sat by the flicker
of the campfire, I told Nico of my dream. I trusted that he would listen
without judgment and wouldn’t think me crazy. This was the person whom I could
lean on and love without question.

I spoke of the dream and how it had
affected me from the moment I awakened. I told him of the new sense of peace
that had surrounded me since, and he just listened.

When I finished, I sat quiet and stared
into the firelight. He sat forward in his chair and casually rested his elbows
on his knees. “You know, in the Native American culture, we are brought up to
respect the messages that come to us through the dream plane. Loved ones can
reach us and guide us in a way that will make sense in this world.”

His big, brown eyes were full of love. My
heart sang when he put into words what I had been contemplating. I was grateful
that he was there in that sacred place with me and willing to walk forward into
a future together.

I stared across the flickering fire into
his intense gaze. With a small smile I said quietly, “I’m ready for that trip
to Vegas.”

Born in Boise, Idaho in August of 1976,
Michelle Bellon was raised by her loving mother and devoted grandmother who she
claims is her biggest role model.

Throughout her childhood she was stubborn, precocious and
full of big dreams for her future. She dedicated much of her time to pursuing a
career as a ballerina, but as she grew into a young woman, that drive and
energy evolved into raising a family. She earned a degree as a registered nurse
in 2005.

Michelle lives in Washington with her husband and their four
children
.

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