Authors: Constance O'Banyon
Entering the sitting room, Maleaha absentmindedly straightened the books in the bookshelves. Walking over to the window, she stood staring out into the twilight as the first snowflakes of winter began to fall. What if Kane had run into trouble? Suppose he was injured? Stop this, she chided herself. She pulled the draperies together and walked over to the sofa and sat down. She found herself watching the clock tick off the minutes. She heard the buggy returning just as the clock struck nine o'clock. She waited silently, knowing Kane would most probably unhitch the buggy himself. Time passed before she heard his heavy footfall and felt a blast of cold air when he opened the front door.
Kane stood silently appraising Maleaha, and she could not tell what his thoughts were. He removed his heavy coat and draped it over the wooden coat tree. Maleaha stood transfixed as Kane's silvery eyes pierced through her. He removed his leather gloves and dropped them on the table.
"I apologize for being late. I drove to Deveraux to see your father.''
"You do not owe me any explanation."
"Do I not?"
"No. Have you eaten?"
"No, I don't want anything." He sat down beside her and leaned his head back against the sofa. Maleaha noticed the dark shadows beneath his eyes and wanted to reach out and comfort him.
"You should have something to eat. I will bring it to you on a tray if you would like."
He turned his head to look at her. She looked so beautiful with the firelight glistening on her black hair. Her green eyes were filled with uncertainty and Kane could not resist reaching out to touch her soft cheek. "I don't want anything to eat. It just feels good to be home."
"Do you think of this as your home, Kane? Do you not wish to return to Boston with your father and Lucinda?"
He ignored her question. ' 'My father was full of praise for you. I don't know how you managed it, but it seems that you have bewitched him in some way."
Maleaha would have stood up, but Kane reached for her hand and restrained her. "Don't go. I want to talk to you."
"Could it not wait?" she asked, wishing with all her heart that she could postpone the inevitable.
"I fear that I have postponed it too long already, Maleaha. I will not wait another day to say what must be said."
"Kane, please," she pleaded in a soft voice. "I don't know what you want of me. Have I not always done as you asked me to?"
"Yes, all I ask of you and more. For the moment, I would like you to accompany me upstairs to our bedroom."
Maleaha gave him a questioning look, and he smiled. "I want no more than to talk to you where we will not be disturbed. Mrs. Higgens could come into the room at any time. What I have to say to you is for your ears alone."
Maleaha could think of nothing more to postpone their discussion. She stood up and followed Kane upstairs. When they reached the bedroom, Kane closed the door and motioned for her to sit down on the bed.
Maleaha hesitated. Kane, seeing that she did not trust him, picked up a chair and placed it beside the bed. He then sat down on the bed and offered her the chair.
Maleaha sat with her hands folded demurely in her lap, knowing that what was yet to come would be very hard to endure. Her eyes wandered over her husband's handsome face. His dark hair fell carelessly across his forehead. She looked into his eyes and noted that they were pain-filled. She swallowed hard, knowing he was having a hard time telling her about his love for Lucinda. She loved him, but she was not about to make it any easier for him.
"Maleaha, I have to go back a long way in hopes of making you understand about myself. I have found you to be a very forgiving person. I hope you can find it within you to forgive me."
She started to speak, but Kane silenced her with a glance.
"Before I met you, Maleaha, I was a very selfish man. I took from everyone, but never gave of myself. I could make all kind of excuses for myself, but that would be trite. I have known many women, Maleaha, I will not deny that. I never loved any of them. I didn't know how to love."
"But Lucinda…?"
Kane held up his hand for her to be silent. "One day, on a day that started out much as any other, I met this lovely Indian maiden. From the first I felt drawn to her. She . . . you turned out to be more than I had bargained for. You were highly intelligent. In most instances you made me look like a fool."
"No, Kane, I never…"
"Let me have my say before I lose my nerve, Maleaha. You have no idea how difficult this is for me."
She nodded.
"As you will remember, I wanted to make you my mistress. What a foolish bastard I was. I found out that night of the ball just how low I had sunk. You made me squirm that night, did you know that?"
Maleaha smiled. "Yes, I know."
He glanced at the ceiling, and Maleaha waited for him to continue. This was not what she had expected him to say. She could see no point to what he was telling her.
' 'The night when you came to me at the Jojoba village and asked me to save you from Mangas, I knew I would do anything to keep him from getting his hands on you. I wanted no one to have you save myself. I would have killed Mangas before I would have allowed him to touch you."
His voice became deep and husky and Maleaha could not meet his silver gaze.
"When I made love to you that night, I knew I had never felt that way with a woman before…" He paused as if he was having a hard time speaking. When he did speak his voice came out in a painful whisper.
' 'I knew that I loved you more than my own life. When Mangas united us that night, I knew that I wanted to tie you to me forever.''
Maleaha placed her hands over her face. He had said that he loved her. Oh, please don't let it be some cruel jest, she pleaded silently. Maleaha felt tears wash down her face, and she brushed them away hurriedly.
"I intended to ask you to marry me when I returned to Santa Fe, but you know what happened then. I was wounded and was unable to come to you, and I thought you had not come to me." He closed his eyes for a moment, before he could bring himself to continue.
"I was half out of my mind when I thought you did not care enough about me to come and see me."
"I came, Kane, but I didn't stay to see you. I heard you and your father discussing me."
"Is that what happened? Is that why you left without seeing me?"
Maleaha nodded.
"Tell me what you overheard."
"You ... I heard you say I was a . . . half-breed, and your father would not think I was good enough for you," she said in a voice that plainly showed how hurt »he had been that day. "I left not wanting to hear any more."
"You should not have left, Maleaha, for had you stayed, you would have heard me telling my father that I loved you and wanted you for my wife."
"Kane, I thought you wanted to marry Lucinda. I thought you loved her."
"No, Maleaha, I never loved Lucinda. She is the last woman I would ever have wanted to marry."
"But, Kane, why didn't you tell me all of this before?"
"I was going to. The night you came to the fiesta with Clay Madason, I was eaten up with jealousy. I was going to ask you to marry me that night, but, as you recall, it didn't quite work out that way. After you had run away I searched for you. When I heard you had gone away to join your father, I knew there was nothing I could do until you returned. I bought this land and had the house built, hoping when you returned I could convince you to marry me.
"You had this house built for me?"
Kane could see the tears in her beautiful eyes, and wondered if they were tears of pity. "Yes. I wanted it to be the kind of house you would feel comfortable in. I wanted you to fix it up as you had your father's home at Deveraux."
Maleaha shook her head, unable to speak.
"Do you have any idea how I felt when I was summoned to the Jojoba village by Mangas, and found that you had run away to have my child?" He didn't give her a chance to answer. "At first I was angry and confused, then I began to see Cimeron as a means of forcing you to marry me. I admit I used our daughter to get you, Maleaha." He seemed to want to avoid her eyes. "I love Cimeron, Maleaha. But I used her."
"Kane, please . . . I . . ."
"Hush, darling, allow me to finish and then you can have your say."
Maleaha wanted to reach out to him. He loved her! She could hardly believe that they both loved each other, and that they had kept that love hidden.
"When I forced you to accompany me to the mission, and the priest married us, I felt that with time and patience, I might earn your respect. It was too much for me to hope that I would ever have your love. I thought if I didn't make any demands on you, you wouldn't leave me. I hadn't reckoned with my desire for you, however. When I was near you, all I could think about was making love to you. I wanted to make love to you as I had that night in the Jojoba village."
His eyes were soft as he searched her face. "It was good between us, Maleaha, even you will have to admit that. I knew even if I didn't have your love, that I could satisfy your body. When I made love to you was the only time I felt you truly belonged to me. At times I would want to tell you about my love for you, but I was a coward. I feared you would scorn my love."
"Kane!"
"No, let me finish, darling. I want you to know the worst and the best of me." He reached for her hand and pulled her onto the bed beside him. Raising her hand to his face, he closed his eyes.
Maleaha felt a sob deep inside her throat. Kane was such a strong, proud man, she knew it was very difficult for him to humble himself like this.
Clasping her hand tightly, he continued. "Maleaha, each afternoon after working hard all day, I could not wait to come home to you and our daughter. I cannot tell you how good it was walking through that front door and knowing you would be waiting for me. You didn't love me, but you would be here all the same. You would have a nice meal waiting for me, and you would listen while I told you about my day. I don't know how long things might have gone on as they were had you not started helping Betsy. Let me say now that I was eaten up with jealousy when I thought you were not with Betsy but spending time with Clay Madason."
"Kane, I never…”
' 'I know that, Maleaha. I am so sorry, my love, for not trusting you then, and again when you went to the Jojoba village to be with your aunt." He touched her face and looked deeply into her eyes. "I am so sorry about your aunt's death, Maleaha."
A tear escaped her eyes, and Kane bent his head to kiss it away. "I promise you, darling that I will never doubt your word again. Believe me, I finally know what a wonderful person you are. I have never known anyone finer or braver. Stay with me, Maleaha. Allow me to love you and hopefully learn from you."
"Kane, when I returned from the Jojoba village and your father and Lucinda were here I thought you were ashamed of me."
He smiled. "Is that what you thought?"
"Yes."
"No, I have felt many things for you, but never shame. I have come to treasure your Indian heritage, and I want Cimeron to grow up feeling pride in her Indian blood the same as her mother does. That day I was angry because I had been half out of my mind worrying whether you would ever come back to me. I thought you had left me because of the way I had treated you the night before you left."
"Kane, none of this is important."
"Is it not? What about when I made you apologize to Lucinda, when in fact she should have been the one to beg your pardon."
"I didn't exactly apologize to her, did I?"
Kane laughed and hugged her tightly to him. "No, darling, you did not exactly apologize."
Maleaha's head was resting on his shoulder and she looked at him. "I thought you loved Lucinda and wanted to be rid of me." His eyes were so bright she had to lower her own eyes. "You once told me you loved a woman who did not love you. I thought that woman was Luanda."
He tilted her chin up. "You poor misguided darling. Did you not realize that I was speaking of you?"
"Me?"
"Yes, you, my beautiful love. Always you."
"But I saw you and Lucinda. ..."
"What you saw was Lucinda kissing me. I did not kiss her. I told her that I loved my wife. In fact I told her I didn't even like her."
There were conflicting emotions written on Maleaha's face. "Lucinda told me that you and she loved each other and that you had . . . been very close."
"Maleaha, I will not lie to you. I have been intimate with Lucinda, but that happened years ago. I never loved her, nor have I ever told her that I loved her. When she stood beside you, Maleaha, she came off as a selfish, spoiled, dishonest woman. I admire nothing about her."
"She is very beautiful."
"Not to me, Maleaha." He swallowed hard. "Nothing is so beautiful and rare as shining green eyes. No face can compare with your lovely face." He reached out and touched her long ebony hair. "Did you know when the firelight reflects on your hair it appears to be soft satin, and when you are in the bright sunlight your hair looks blue-black? I have never known anyone kinder than you. I am proud of your honesty, and your valiant spirit. I love you, Maleaha!"
Maleaha was startled when he went down on his knees and laid his dark head in her lap and he clasped his arms about her waist. There was silence in the room as she placed her hand on his head. She felt as if her heart would break when he raised his head and she saw tears sparkling in his silver eyes.
"I know you don't love me, Maleaha, but I will do anything you ask of me if you will stay with me." A tear rolled down his cheek and Maleaha knew she was also crying.
"Don't leave me, Maleaha," he pleaded.