“Yes, it is but you don’t become a leader unless you can deal with it.”
“Rachel committed suicide,” I said.
“We’re not taking about Rachel,” she said, now her anger was on me. “We’re talking about Abe.”
“I didn’t see you running to save him. You were the last person who saw him alive, you cow,” Dave said and I knew he didn’t take a drink.
Grace wasn’t insulted by what she said. In fact she looked amused. She saw Abe jump off the roof.
“Were you there to see me, David?” she said. This might be the first time she spoke to Dave directly. He didn’t respond.
“In case you were all wondering. I did not get the chance to stop him. He smiled and waved at me which was unusual. I thought he was drunk. He walked to the edge and dove off. I ran when I saw him but not fast enough. So please do not tell me what I did or did not do.”
I didn’t say anything neither did Jim or Dave. I never knew what exactly had happened on the roof. Grace had never been one to chat.
She went to the coat rack. Her slender figure would fit any coat, so Jim got her a pretty one but probably not designer enough. She didn’t complain. She slipped on her coat, put on her Hermes scarf and opened the door to let the icy wind in.
I took another shot. I wasn’t done drinking but was done talking about Abe.
“Annie, wake up,” Henry’s voice beckoned me from a happy world where everyone was still alive, my parents, my boyfriend, even Mindy was there. We celebrated Christmas around the tree, each grateful for being alive.
“Let me sleep unless there is a plague of zombs—“ I had a headache from too many snorts.
“Annie, it’s snowing, just a bit. Thought you would want to see. It might be a white Christmas after all.”
I didn’t care. I turned over and saw the big fluffy flakes in the window. For a moment I felt sentimental. I got out of bed and ignored my headache. I was already dressed in thermals. I took off my flannel nightgown and added jeans, a tee and a sweater. Henry left to allow me room to dress.
I headed to the salon. Jim was already there getting on boots.
“Not even sticking,” he said.
I put on my boots and coat. I saw a few people outside on the deck watching.
The air wasn’t as cold as yesterday but I was glad for the coat. I didn’t even check what time it was but it looked as if it was a little bit after dawn. It was lovely out. The air was crisp. The snowflakes hit my hair.
Mike had his arms around Hannah. Brie was moving about the deck, giggling trying to catch snowflakes with her mouth.
I went to the bow, passed Mike and Hannah and walked to the very edge.
“Careful, Annemarie,” Mike said, but his tone wasn’t serious. “It’s slippery.”
I stopped where I was and looked into the water, watch some of the snow stick to it and then melt.
For a moment I thought that maybe we weren’t going to die. I stood there for a long time until the flurries stopped and I was chilled to the bone. When I turned around, everyone else had gone inside and now Henry was on the bridge. He waved and I returned one. I walked carefully
but slipped, only slightly on the deck.
I walked back into the salon relishing the warm air. Mike was reheating dinner as breakfast. Same shit, different day. Tanya was perched in her usual spot.
“Merry Christmas, Annemarie,” he said, putting the food on the table. “Tanya.”
Tanya hunched her shoulders.
“You too,” I said, but didn’t mean it.
Mike walked back to the pantry
and came back with a box. I knew from the green and red design outside it was some kind of Christmas item. When he placed it on the table, I saw it was candy canes.
“Only 12, someone has to share.”
“I don’t want one.” Tanya said as she dug into her food.
I took one and stared at the red and white striped candy. It wasn’t crisp like a new candy cane but chewy and stale. I ate it anyway enjoying the peppermint flavor. Christmas had become any other day. I was never religious before other than Easter and Christmas dinner with my family or occasionally my boyfriend’s family. I believed in god but that was fading.
His name was Mark and he went Hofstra Law School. We planned to marry as soon as we finished, although he hadn’t given me a ring. We lived together in an off campus student apartment, had an indoor/outdoor cat named Sprinkles who disappeared when everything went to shit. I hoped he ran away because of the zombies and didn’t get killed.
Mark died of the flu. He didn’t come back. I nursed him for two days despite the fact that I knew if I got it I would die. I never did. Mark choked then stopped breathing. I tried to give him mouth to mouth but he went so fast. I called 911, the dispatcher took my information, but no one ever came. I called funeral homes but no one answered. I wrapped him up in a sheet and as far as I knew, he was still where I left him. I waited for Sprinkles but he never came back. I thought about going to my parents but instead decided to go to Costking to get supplies. I meet up with Abe, Mindy and Dave who convinced me my best chance was the stay at Costking.
For three years Mark and I were inseparable. I went to sleep at night next to his warm body. He woke me up with kisses before he left for work, interning at a Manhattan law firm. I worked part time in Hofstra’s theater so I could go to school full time. My parents were eager for an announcement. They didn’t like us living together, but never mentioned it. Mark and I knew we would get married, and we talked about getting the rings the day after his graduation. I still lived off my parents a little, and student loans. Mark wanted us to be more financially stable.
We fought on one thing. He wanted me to lose weight. I got my build from my dad. I gained my freshmen 15 but lost it the following year when I had to walk from one side of the campus to another for a class. I always tried to eat healthy and exercise. My weight stayed the same.
I had trouble getting work and Mark thought it I were thinner I’d have more opportunities. I often wondered if it was because I was too fat for us to be an attractive power couple. He always said he was worried about my health even though he knew I ate healthy and exercised as we often used the school’s rec center together. He probably thought I was secretly eating.
I ignored him when he bothered me about my weight which wasn’t often. We were in love and had our entire life planned out. Now I had no future, no husband, no career, I had nothing. A strange man I barely knew warming my bed, and loneliness beyond despair.
“Hey Annemarie,” Jim said. “You okay?”
“Just thinking about my parents.”
“I’m sure they’re okay.”
“You’re a great liar Jim, but thank you.”
I knew at their house they got the flu, drove to the hospital and died. Nice and neat like always. They liked a comfortable and predicable life. I thought about my sister. The one who rebelled, moved to Tennessee to sing, and waited tables between auditions. I will probably never find out if she was alive but if anyone could survive on spunk, she could.
Tanya had the radio on. Every Friday morning, Bob Bam did a radio show contacting us and other ham radio operators. Christmas was no exception. Bob talked to operators in Ohio, Vermont, New Jersey, and Nebraska. He had taken over a Suffolk radio station frequency and broadcasted on FM as well. Because he had limited power from a generator, he only broadcasted every Friday at 9am for 30 minutes.
“Hello, this is Bob Bam on the Ham on Suffolk county’s greatest hits, WBAM. First things first, we got connections corner. New listeners, these are people we connect to other love ones. We give them a frequency and we play nice and don’t listen in.” A few times a week read off two or three names. He had all of our names but no messages ever came for us.
There were no ham operators in Te
nnessee and despite that Bob had said my name once a month, my sister never contacted me. Not everyone had a radio. We are the only one besides Bob Bam in this area.
I only half paid attention to the names until Bob read off a familiar one.
“James McIntyre—“
Jim looked up. His eyes widened as Bob read the frequency. Tanya switched to it and handed Jim the mike.
“Hello,” he said, his voice hesitant.
“Jimmy?” said a male voice, older. A lot of static filled the radio, Jim stood up, his eyes so wide I thought they would pop out. Even with the static it looked like he recognized the voice.
“Dad?” he croaked out.
“Do you want us to leave?” Tanya asked.
Jim waved her away and sat.
I heard his father start to cry like a little girl. Jim seemed teary eyed but stoic.
“My boy, oh god, it’s so great to hear your voice. Are you okay, is everything okay? Is Cameron okay?”
“Cameron’s dead, dad—Mom? Lori? Mary? Eleanor.”
“Mom, Eleanor and Lori are gone, son. I spoke to Lori, both she and Scott had the flu. Eleanor and Mom died here. I don’t know about Mary. She didn’t have the flu the last time I spoke to her. But—living in the city—“ his voice trailed off.
Jim looked almost emotionless as he absorbed this information.
“I’m so sorry, Jimmy, for everything. I should have loved you unconditionally. I thought about that every day when I was alone. I wished, prayed, I could tell you how sorry I was and how I love you. Please, can you forgive me?”
Jim nodded which his father couldn’t see. His green eyes were wide and teary. “Yes, I forgive you, dad and I love you.”
“Are you safe?”
“As safe as I can be. I’m among good friends.”
“I’m glad.”
“What about you, dad? Are you okay?”
“Yes, I live in a house with other people, including a gay woman. She makes me think of you. Listen, Jimmy, the operator won’t let me stay on much longer. He has to do regular reports.”
The room remained quiet during the conversation. I didn’t say anything because I was jealous. I shouldn’t be. Jim lost his great love, now his mother and sisters. I lost everyone. Every single person that I loved was dead.
Jim and his dad promised to talk once a week and then disconnected. Mike changed the frequency back to Bob. Tanya touched Jim’s shoulder and smiled. He smiled back, left the room, probably to share the news with Eric or to be alone.
I decided to go back to bed. Since Henry was on watch, I wanted to enjoy having the bed to myself. I placed the blanket over my head and gave myself a little hole to breath. It was cold, but not freezing. I tried to enjoy the warmth of the blanket. I closed my eyes and ignored the slight motion of the ship. I tried to pretend I was home. My last Christmas with Mark, I was snuggling under the covers and he brought us two cups of cocoa. Not diet, or sugar free, but hot cocoa made with full milk, marshmallows and whipped cream. We had dinner with his parents the night before and he was happy they liked me. Today we would be going to my parents. Despite their issues with us shacking up, they loved Mark. Mom told me I picked a great guy and that I should always make him happy. My mom would then end the night with how I should diet. My sister meanwhile always needed money but she had my grandfather’s genes and was a bean pole. She could never do wrong with a figure like that. I tried not to get jealous of her.
I thought of the cocoa I had last night. No whipped cream and we didn’t take marshmallows. I made sure that the essentials were taken, canned beans, meat, vegetables, and then we trolled the aisles for frivolous foods. I took ten bags of different kinds of chocolate but didn’t think to take marshmallows. I had two chocolates a day after dinner. I thought that we might never get new shipments of chocolate. Whatever left on the shelves was it. No other imported fruit like bananas, grapefruit, pineapple, oranges. I haven’t had orange juice in almost two years. We have a lot of canned pineapple juice. Jim wants to try to pick farmland that has apple and pear trees. We can plant all kinds of berries but it was too cold for oranges.
I wondered about the state of the South or California? I wonder if we can ever make a road trip to Florida to get oranges.
I thought about making my own marshmallows, before I fell asleep.
Chapter 4
Day in and day out, we stayed on the boat. It was tedious with the same routine every day. I wished for change and got it with food poisoning.
It started in the morning. I was asleep when Henry woke me on a mad dash to the deck only wearing slippers and a robe. I didn’t think anything of it. Every other day it seemed Henry was running from the room to barf. Then I felt a strong wave of nausea. Lying down kept it from coming up immediately, but I knew I had seconds before it made an appearance.
I jumped out of bed, grabbed my robe and slippers because I had no time to get into boots.
I almost didn’t make it. I had to cover my mouth to stop the vomit from coming, I felt the disgusting taste in my mouth and felt its texture in my palms. When I got to the deck, I saw three other people besides Henry and me throwing up. I didn’t care, I went to the side and my entire dinner came out and hit the choppy water. Everything I ate was gone and still more came up. Stomach cramps rode in waves like the sea ahead of me, forcing up everything in my digestive system.
When I couldn’t vomit up any more, when only bile came up, I turned around. Despite the fact that it was freezing outside I was both sweating and shivering. My legs had turned to jelly and I slid down to the cold deck. I couldn’t move, but I managed to open my eyes. The other people vomiting were Jim, Dave, Henry and Mike.
Mike similarly sat on the deck like me. He looked white as a sheet. Jim and Dave still were over the edge. Henry was lying on a lounge chair, with his eyes squeezed shut, holding his gut.
The door opened and I figured it was another person about to lose their dinner. It was Hannah, she wore boots but not her glasses. She didn’t throw up and she didn’t look white as Mike. Instead she came over to me.
“You too?”
“What’s going on?” I shivered uncontrollably.
“I think it’s food poisoning.”
“From where?”
“I don’t know yet. When you feel like you’ve finished, go back to bed. Do you have water in your room? Does Henry?”
“I have. I don’t know about Henry.”
“I’ll bring two just in case. Try to drink as much as possible. I don’t want to bring out the saline, but I will if you can’t get water down.” She gave me a box of wipes. I used them to clean off my hand.
That was the least of my worries. I felt hot and cold at the same time. My stomach gurgled in protest.
“Anyone else sick?” I managed to croak out.
“Everyone but Dena, Grace and me. Keith won’t come out of his room, but he says it’s not bad. I don’t know why he barricaded the door. I guess he’s afraid.” He was but I didn’t tell Hannah why. “It hit Tanya, Eric and the kids early this morning. Also please go down to the swim platform if you have diarrhea.”
“There’s diarrhea too?”
I shit into the freezing cold air and felt the icy drops of water hitting my butt. I thought everything I ate came out of my mouth but apparently that wasn’t true. Right now I was grateful to be alone but the deck was filthy indicating I wasn’t the only one with a problem. Hannah had given me something anti-diarrhea medicine and I prayed it worked soon. I shit where rich people had once jumped off for a cool swim. I mooned the zombies, worried that some floater would come by and bite my ass. I began to cry. I didn’t care if anyone heard me. I was humiliated. I missed Mark, I wanted him to bring me broth. I missed running water and having a bathroom where I could shit in private.
After either I finally emptied my stomach or the medication worked, I wiped myself, dumping the wipes into the water. I pulled my pants up, walked to the edge of the swim platform and dumped my slippers now covered with filth into the ocean. I didn’t care how cold my feet were as I took the ladder back to the deck. Dave and Jim were sitting on lounge chairs, looked white, pale, unsure about what to do. Neither said anything to me, nor I to them. I walked back inside without a word
No one was in the salon. I went to the bedroom and crawled back to bed; stripping almost everything because I didn’t know if any of the platform shit got on me. Henry was wrapped up in a blanket on his side of the bed.
I wished Henry was gone, even though he was asleep. I wanted to crawl in bed alone and die. I felt really hot but I also shivered uncontrollably.
I don’t know how much time passed before Hannah came. She looked sweaty herself.
“You too?” I asked. She nodded. I knew she didn’t like me, but we shared this moment.
“Dena and Grace?”
“So far, so good.” Figured the bitches would be fine.
She left a bottle of water for me and one for Henry. She put a bottle of pills on my night stand.
“It’s a seven day course of antibiotics and a bunch of Tylenol. One for you, one for Henry. Can you make sure he takes it?”
“I will, thanks,” I said. “Go rest.”
“Drink your water and--” She didn’t finish her sentence. She ran from the room holding her mouth.
I did as she asked. I took the pills with a few sips of water. My stomach complained but kept it down.
“Henry?”
He didn’t respond. He felt warm and alive, so I figured he was sleeping. I could bother him later about the antibiotics.
Just being in the cold air, I shivered uncontrollable. I covered myself up and held the blanket close but then I felt hot. Wishing for Mark or my mother to comfort me, bring me soup. At least Henry was a warm body, but I wanted someone I loved.
Just the idea that I’ll never see Mark or my parents, I began to cry again. I buried my head into the pillow to stop myself from wailing. I wanted this to be a bad dream. I wanted to wake up in a world with no flu or zombies.
My crying didn’t wake Henry.
“Did you drink?” a stoic female voice said breaking me out of my sleep.
The Tylenol had worked somewhat. I felt less hot, not shivering as much and I managed to sleep. My tongue felt dry, yucky and tasted like old puke. I needed to brush my teeth.
I peeled open my eyes to see Grace looking at me with her pissed off expression. The expression was “I don’t want to do this.”
“Everyone is sick,” she said. “Hannah said you should all drink water. Did you drink?”
“A little.”
“Drink more.” I hated that she was standing over me, lecturing me but I grabbed the bottle and drank two mouthfuls. That seemed to satisfy her.
“What about him?” she said, referring to Henry.
“I don’t know.” I nudged him a little and he groaned. I looked at the water bottle Hannah left. It hadn’t been touched. I touched Henry again.
“Henry, wake up and drink some water.”
He didn’t respond. I lifted up the blanket and felt his forehead. It was like touching a hot stove.
“He’s got a bad fever,” I told her. She didn’t look like she cared. “We should cool him down. Can you help me get him to the shower?”
“We’re out of bathing water.”
“We still have to cool him off.”
“Drop him in the ocean.”
I looked at her but she was dead serious.
“Won’t that make it worse?”
“Better he freeze or burn up? We can dip him from swim deck.” Great back to the same disgusting swimming deck.
I got up. My head felt like it was swimming. “Get Dena, we can use all the help we can get. Unless she’s sick.”
“She doesn’t appear to be.”
“Go get her and anyone who can help. Ask Hannah if we should do this.”
Grace looked annoyed at being given orders, but she left the room. When she was gone, I swung my legs around the bed. A wave of nausea hit but nothing came up. I felt only slightly better than I had this morning, but I still felt weak. There was no way I could carry Henry on my own.
I heard footsteps. Grace had left the door open. She reappeared outside the door with Dena and Keith. Dena looked fine. Keith looked a little pale but he seemed steady on his feet.
“Mom says not to dip him in the water, but to put him on the swim deck and cool him with towels with cold water on his forehead, the back of his neck, armpits and umm-- groin. She says to do it on the swim deck. You don’t want to get the bedroom wet. Only dip him if the towels don’t help.”
“I’m going to need help carrying him.”
Dena came into my room, and motioned for Keith to follow her. They moved Henry to a seated position. He didn’t respond to their moments.
“Henry, wake up,” Dena said.
Henry opened his eyes but they looked unfocused.
“We have to cool you off but we can’t carry you. You have to stand. We need to talk a short walk to the swim deck.”
“I don’t want to go there,” he said, his voice low and slightly garbled. “They’re waiting.”
“Grace will be on look out,” Dena said, her voice stern. I’ve never seen her like this. “Now get up.”
I heard the moaning as soon as we got to the deck. Henry was right. The platform had been left open and we had a visitor. I dumped Henry gently on one of the lounge chairs. I didn’t have a gun but Grace did. I looked over the ladder to see half a bloated corpse moving around the deck like a flopping fish. Probably attracted to our shit. I tasted bile in my mouth.
“I’ll kill it,” Grace told me. “If you remove it.”
“I kind of want to stop barfing.”
“Just kill the stupid thing,” this came from Dena.
Grace looked over the edge, the thing moaned louder. A single shot and it stopped. Before anyone could volunteer, Keith climbed over the ladder and made his way down. I didn’t look but I heard the splash.
Keith came back up. Now we had to get Henry down.
While leaving the platform open invited the zombie, the water had cleaned away some of the filth. This time I managed to put on my boots but I left my coat even though it was freezing. I didn’t want it to get dirty.
Even though Henry helped by not being such a dead weight, it was a pain in the ass to carry him when I felt like crap. Grace helped but she didn’t look happy. Keith looked 90 pounds soaking wet and Dena was petite. Being a big tall girl most of it came on me. And with every movement, my stomach made gurgling sounds.
I ended up being the one to strip him which I did to his underwear. Dena got towels and was standing on the swim deck soaking them. Mike should be proud to see how well she handled herself in a crisis.
She handed me the freezing cold towels which I put on his forehead. Keith helped me lift him to put them on the back of his neck. I put one on his groin and each armpit. Then I used another towel to sponge him down. I shivered anytime the freezing water touched me. I couldn’t imagine being what it was like being in the water now.
“To cold,” he said and began to shiver.
“Just give it five minutes.”
He didn’t respond. I pulled the towel off his forehead. He felt cooler.
“I need a dry towel.” Keith handed me one and I covered Henry with it.
“Annie--” he whispered. He tried to reach out to touch me. I worried he would die on this platform. Instead his teeth began to chatter. I removed all the towels, dumping them in a pile in the corner, one fell in the water, but I didn’t care.